Ox In A Box, Dog In The Fog

…pig on a rig

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The Doclopedia #1,816

Why I Did It…: Kicked Out The Windshield

Courtesy of Alexia Holder

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? I was being pursued by three cars full of KGB agents and their hired gangsters, all heavily armed. We were moving at high speed on the twisty Pacific Coast Highway. There was, thankfully, very light traffic that day.

I got rid of the car immediately behind me using the laser guided missile, but since I only had one of those, I had to rely on driving skill and a few other upgrades to deal with them.

As we got into a less settled area, I was able to send the next car off the steep coastline with the last bullets from my rear machine guns. The third car was obviously driven by an experienced KGB agent, as it evaded both my oil slick and the explosive caltrops with ease. The gunfire from that car was constant and only the rear window shield kept them from hitting me.

When I heard on the radio that police were on their way, I knew I had to end things. Then I saw a helicopter approaching and that could only be more KGB. I quickly formulated a plan.

On one of the few lengthy straight stretches, I did a bootlegger reverse and fired my forward machine guns, shredding the tires and the radiator of the last car. As they few off the cliffside, I reversed my car back to the proper direction and hit the gas. I knew that a couple of miles ahead, there was a sharp bend it the road. The fact that this bend was at the top of a steep hill was a bonus to my plan.

As I neared the top of the hill, the helicopter was getting nearer. I activated both the smoke screen and the rocket boost 8 seconds before I flew off the cliff. I calculated that it would be about 12 seconds before I hit the water.

Sliding into the passenger seat, I fired the right rear flamethrower. That caused the car to begin turning to the left as it fell. Once it was turning, I , laid the seat back and began kicking the windshield. Although bulletproof, it had taken a couple of hits. This weakened it enough that on the third kick, two seconds before it hit the water rear first, I had kicked it free of the car.

After it hit the water, it was a simple enough act for me to spin around in the seat, grab the re-breather from the console and swim out of the sinking car. I stayed as deep as possible as I swam to shore. With police helicopters arriving, the KGB had just enough time to see that I must have went down with the car and they left.

I made my way to the highway and climbed aboard a pickup truck full of farm workers that was turning around due to the road being blocked. Once back near a phone, I called our office in Los Angeles and, well, you know all the rest.

And Q, a suggestion: perhaps a button to blow the front or rear window out, if needed? Three kicks made it a damned close run thing.

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The Doclopedia #1,817

Why I Did It…: Cut My Eyelashes Off

Courtesy of Dawn Beauford

I know why I did it, but you don’t. Heeheehee! No, you don’t know. I’ll tell you anyway. It was because of the Alien Eyelash Pixies! Hahahaha! They come at night, while you’re asleep and they eat your eyelashes. Then They grow really big and go kill people. I saw all that in my dreams.

I saw it in my dreams.

I saw it in my DREAMS!

I saw it all in my dreamy dream dreams!

La la la lalalalalala!

Heeheehee!

And Dr. Anderson? He’s a Tillybok! Tillyboks are spirits that try to make you go to Tillybokland, then never let you leave! They have green fingernails and their hair is on fire.

But they can’t get me, because I wrote the magic words on my head after I pulled out all of my hair. See? You can see the words!

I want to cut my pinky fingers off to keep the ratwolves from eating them, but they won’t let me because everyone here is a MONSTER! They put me in this straightjacket so they can dance around me in the moonlight!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That Day We Climbed The Redwood Naked

…poor choices were made

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The Doclopedia #1,814

Ten Things You Did Not Know About: Texas

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1: 15% of Texans secretly rage at the fact that they have to eat avocados from California or Mexico.

2: The state never actually won independence from Mexico and has actually been paying that country rent.

3: Until 1952, most Texas armadillos were vicious killers with a venomous bite.

4: If a Texan goes more than a week without consuming chili, country fried steak or Dr. Pepper, they must move to any other state except Oklahoma.

5: Thanks to a concerted effort by it’s citizens, Austin has enough reserves of weird to last 3 years, should the need arise.

6: Every coyote in Texas is a registered Republican.

7: Every roadrunner in Texas is a registered Democrat.

8: Being from California or New York is a minor misdemeanor in Texas.

9: All roads leading into Oklahoma warn drivers that they are abandoning true civilization for a society that puts beans in it’s chili.

10: 10% of the state is still in the 1920’s.

The Doclopedia #1,815

Ten Things You Did Not Know About: Dogs

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1: Most dogs understand human languages perfectly. They just think we aren’t very smart.

2: Dogs lick themselves because when they used to hire rats to lick them, humans freaked out.

3: The smartest dog has an IQ that the human scale cannot measure.

4: Canine based teams have won more Crazy Game World Cups than any other species.

5: Humans know Lassie was usually played by a male dog. Dogs know that they were actually trans bitches.

6: Dogs almost never play poker, smoke or drink alcohol.

7: Sooner or later, every dog couple has sex in the “human style” position.

8: The greatest dog minds still cannot figure out why humans keep throwing the fucking ball away.

9: 9 out of 10 dogs agree that cat poop is a gourmet delicacy

10: When human civilization finally collapses back to a Stone Age level, dogs have agreed to be our caretakers when we are rounded up and put on reservations.

The True Story Of of Ancient Alien Bigfoot

… it was just Nessie fucking around

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The Doclopedia #1,812

Ten Things You Did Not Know About: The Lunar Colony

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1: Viewed from the Earth, you will see one large (16 kilometer) blue dome surrounded by 8 smaller (8 kilometer) green domes.

2: The blue dome houses the Lunar Lake, which is nearly 150 meters deep

3: The smaller domes house forests and grasslands

4: Almost none of the 300,000 humans that work on the moon work above ground

5: Humans live in the L5 colonies and commute daily to the moon

6: The 9 domes are home to 1,600 species of plants and 900 species of animals

7: Lunar plants and animals grow much larger than they do on Earth

8: The Lunar Colony was founded in 1980 by 7 astronauts working for the Tempest Foundation

9: In 2030, the colony will be recognized as a sovereign nation

10: Tours of the 9 domes cost as little as $300 US per person

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The Doclopedia #1,813

Ten Things You Did Not Know About: Werewolves

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1: Some of them prefer to be called Lycanthropes

2: They all really loved Warren Zevon

3: Many prefer not to kill humans, as this causes lots of problems

4: There are secret “werewolf only” clubs for those nights of the full moon

5: They actually do enjoy a big dish of beef chow mein

6: They undress before they change, which saves then thousands of dollars in clothing bills

7: They really do hate vampires

8: While most have gray, brown or black fur, they are white, blonde and red werewolves

9: Wolfbane is not nearly as effective as most people think

10: Very few werewolves have perfect hair

Soup Cake!

…everybody loves it

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The Doclopedia #1,810

Ten Things You Did Not Know About: Class 5 Robots

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1: They have two brains! 1 Mark VII Mindmaster and 1 Mark IV Smarty

2: Class 5 Robots are made of steeluminum

3: They are superior in every way to Class 4 Robots

4: Class 5 Robots are fine companion robots

5: They can function in hostile environments, like fires or toxic waste dumps.

6: Class 3 Robots are primitive toys compared to Class 5 Robots

7: They can be trusted with delicate clothing, fine glassware and babies.

8: The best Class 2 Robot is unfit to polish the rollers on a Class 5 Robot

9: They can perform a wide variety of kitchen functions

10: Class 1 Robots are little better than rolling antique scrap heaps.

The Doclopedia #1,811

Ten Things You Did Not Know About: Dice

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1: In ancient times, the D12 was worshiped as a god.

2: On the whole, the D10 and the D8 are the kindest dice

3: Dice will breed freely in the proper setting

4: Lost dice often hide for years, but have also been known to teleport miles away

5: Dice are rich in Vitamin D

6: Dice are more prone to mutation than any other game component

7: The common D6 is a fairly calm and predictable die

8: D20s are known as the tricksters of the dice world.

9: A D4 will turn on you and attack in a hot second

10: The D100 is, in fact, not a die, but a golf ball with remarkable powers of mimicry

Make Big Money Taunting English Knniggits

…I’ll miss Terry Jones
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The Doclopedia #1,808

Ten Things You Did Not Know About: Godzilla

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1: He suffers from gout

2: He collects Mothra toys

3: His nickname is Zills

4: He did a 4 week run of his one kaiju play, “Tokyo Stomp, off Broadway in 1978

5: He is allergic to latex

6: He plays bass guitar

7: After “Gojira” (1954) he demanded and got 10% of the gross on all of the following movies he starred in

8: He has never been married

9: He loves baked beans

10: He and King Kong are actually good friends and often golf together

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The Doclopedia #1,809

Ten Things You Did Not Know About: Ducks

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1: More than 40% of them are named “Arthur”

2: They fly in a V formation just because it looks cool

3: Some of the females are venomous

4: They all pretty much hate Donald & Daffy

5: Certain species will travel in packs so they can hunt and kill duck hunters

6: As a species, they are noted for having poor money management skills

7: Many ducks are bilingual, speaking either goose, swan or chicken.

8: A duck named Arthur actually invented popcorn

9: Surprisingly, alcoholism is very rare among ducks

10: Ducks are excellent secret keepers

The Adventure Of The Royal Ptarmigan

…I just wanted to use “ptarmigan” in something

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The Doclopedia #1,806

Why I Did It…: Let The Mad Scientist In

Courtesy of Gerry Chriest

Do I regret it? What the hell do you think? Look around! There in the back yard? That’s a goddamn Kaiju footprint where my putting green used to be! My living room? Gutted, but you can still see the chemical burns and stains from…hell, I don’t even know what made those stains.

You do NOT want to go into the basement, which, by the way, I did not have before she showed up. It’s full of mutant spiders and moss that moves around and there may be human body parts. I’m having the whole basement filled with concrete on Tuesday. I’m not sure what I’ll do about the attic. Parts of that lab, WHERE SHE MADE A LIVING MAN OUT OF DEAD BODY PARTS, is still there. I don’t know, maybe I’ll just have the house torn down, sell the land, assuming it isn’t a toxic waste dump, and move.

Why did I let her in the house to begin with? Because she was a dog! I go to get my morning paper and there’s this sweet looking female basset hound sitting there looking at me with big sad eyes. Now, I like dogs, so I bring her inside to see if I can find out who she belongs to. No collar or tags. So I figure I’ll take her to the vet the next day and get her scanned for a chip.

Now, that first day, she was a really good dog. Wandered around the house, let me know when she needed to go out, slept a lot, didn’t bark, real affectionate, hell, she was damned near perfect. She curled up on the sofa just before I went off to bed and, I thought, slept there all night. Man, was I ever wrong.

So, next day, off to the vet and she’s got no chip. I figure I’ll keep her until somebody responds to the posters I put up. I start calling her Waddles and I take her to PetPlace and buy a collar, leash, food, the works. Then we head home and I see a big truck unloading crates of stuff onto my yard.

I tell them they must have the wrong house and they show me the paperwork. The address is mine, but the the person who ordered all this suff was a Dr. S. Barker, who had paid from an established account. Well, I go inside to call their boss and then the dog starts barking at the hall closet. I go to check it and next thing I know, I’m pushed inside it and the door locks. I beat the door and yell, but nothing. For the next two hours, I hear stuff being dragged around and some lady telling a bunch of somebodies where to put things.

After two ours, I hear the door unlock and I cautiously step out and my living room is a goddamn mad scientist lab. There are like, 12 robots of various sizes doing things and the dog…THE DOG…is wearing some sort of get up that gives her four mechanical arms like that Mr. Octopus super villain in the comics. Then she grabs me by the waist and holds me about 6 feet off the floor and starts telling me how she’s sorry for disrupting my life, but she needs a place to do her work until the heat dies down and my house at the end of a country road is perfect.

Then she slaps a collar on my neck and says if I try to tell anyone what’s going on (which I later did) I’ll get shocked unconscious (which I did). She says she’ll be there about 6 months and when she leaves, I’ll get a big bag of cash. Until then. I get the kitchen, dining room, my bedroom and the back bathroom. I’m also supposed to go to work and stuff just like always.

And that’s how it was for 6 months. I’d come home every day to some new strange and often dangerous shit. I mean, I could sleep at night, because she had soundproofed my bedroom, but then, in the morning I’d hear the buzzing or growls from some creature and chemical smells. It was a nightmare.

Then, six months to the day later, I get home from work and the collar just disintegrates into little pieces. I go inside the house and almost all of her stuff is gone. On the kitchen table is a note saying…

Ray,

Time for me to leave. Sorry about the mess. I left $120,000 in a bag on your bed. Thanks for everything.

Dr. S.

PS: Don’t go in the basement. Ever.

And that’s what happened to my house. Now help me pack up. I want to be out of here if that kaiju comes back.

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The Doclopedia #1,807

Why I Did It…: Caught The Car On Fire

Courtesy of Catherine Ford

Okay, Mom & Dad, I know this looks bad…well, okay, it is bad, but I can explain.

See, Kerry and Joanne and Pam and I were just going to drive over to the New Town Shopping Center in Rodney’s car. What? Of course I asked his permission to borrow it. Jeez, Mom, he’s my big brother. Anyway, he told us sometimes it runs rough, but to just let it warm up for a few minutes and it will be okay.

Well, we drive to the mall and do stuff and then watch that new Beach Party movie and then we ate and then we got in the car to go home. But I sort of got distracted and I didn’t let the car warm up and when we were halfway home, it died. I tried twice to start it, but it kept dying.

But then I remembered Dad and Uncle Hank getting an old car going by pouring a little gas into that thing on the engine. So we got the gas can out of the back and I took off the big air thing like I say Dad do and I poured some gas in the little holes and told Pam to try starting it and she tried and it almost started and so I started pouring more gas in and then it started and I jumped and spilled a bunch of gas all over and then it caught on fire and I dropped the can and we all ran back screaming.

There was fire all over the engine and stuff. We were crying and trying to get some water out of the ditch when Deputy Olin showed up and put it out, then put in a call to tell you what happened.

I am SO sorry. Rodney is going to just hate me and all the kids are going to laugh at me. I am such a dope.

The Outlaw Jersey Whales

…not starring Clint Eastwood
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The Doclopedia #1,804

Why I Did It…: Pitted Them Against An Illithid

Courtesy of Kevin Rice

Short answer? Because they hit 3rd level and got too damned cocky. A fighter, wizard, cleric and thief who had it a bit too easy coming up and started thinking they were hot shit and the DM couldn’t take them out.

So I waited until they were about 4 levels down in a dungeon, then I had the floor give way and they slid down a tunnel into the dark caverns a mile below. They were pissed off, but still cocky.

I hit ’em with a swarm of Intellect Devourers first, then had the Illithid attack in the middle of that battle. He blasted them all mentally and then charmed the fighter. Hahaha! The wizard, who was the only one not stunned, put the fighter to sleep. Then he roused the others and they fought like hell. The Illithid was winning when the fighter woke up and got in a couple of decent hits.

I had forgotten that the wizard had a Ring of Limited Wish, so he burned it out wishing the four of them back to the surface. I had them arrive okay, but without the backpacks they had removed before the fight. Oh man, were they ever pissed! They had to walk 50 miles to the nearest town with 3 fights along the way.

Anyway, they aren’t nearly so cocky now.

The Doclopedia #1,805

Why I Did It…: Said Yes

Courtesy of Kyle Miller

Look, buddy, it’s real simple: when the Shadow tells you to either do something or get shot by them two big pistols of his, you say “Yessir, Mister Shadow, I’ll get right on that”, and you hope you haven’t pissed yourself every time he laughed.

So he tells me to get in a car, a big black & silver job, and go drive past some place in Chinatown. So sure, I do it, and then I’ve got a carload of Chinese guys and a carload of mob guys both chasing me. I’m scared, but then the radio comes on and a voice is telling me when to turn and what streets to take and I’m driving balls out through the city.

It’s a big car and the gas tank is full, so I’m staying ahead of them. Bullets fly by every so often, but the car and the rear glass are bulletproof. Anyway, next thing you know, I’m out of town heading toward Yonkers. Then the voice tells me to turn down this road and hit the gas, which I do. After a couple of miles, I’m out in the countryside and I pass a guy hiding behind a tree. He waves as I pass and about a minute later, the road explodes under the two cars that were after me. No way did any of those guys survive.

Then the radio voice tells me to drive to some little podunk town and I do and there’s a guy there waiting for me in front of the only gas station. It’s two in the morning and I’m pretty sure we’re the only two people in awake in that town. He takes over driving and when we get back to the Bronx, he gives me a ring to wear and tells me I now work for the Shadow and they’ll be in touch soon. I walk up to my apartment and hit the sack, thinking I got really lucky that night. The next morning, I read about all hell breaking loose in Chinatown and I figure I’ll celebrate my luck by going out for a good breakfast. So here I am, eating my ham and eggs and telling you this because we’re wearing the same ring and I figure I’ll go straight because if I don’t, well, he’ll know.