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The Doclopedia #1,816
Why I Did It…: Kicked Out The Windshield
Courtesy of Alexia Holder
Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? I was being pursued by three cars full of KGB agents and their hired gangsters, all heavily armed. We were moving at high speed on the twisty Pacific Coast Highway. There was, thankfully, very light traffic that day.
I got rid of the car immediately behind me using the laser guided missile, but since I only had one of those, I had to rely on driving skill and a few other upgrades to deal with them.
As we got into a less settled area, I was able to send the next car off the steep coastline with the last bullets from my rear machine guns. The third car was obviously driven by an experienced KGB agent, as it evaded both my oil slick and the explosive caltrops with ease. The gunfire from that car was constant and only the rear window shield kept them from hitting me.
When I heard on the radio that police were on their way, I knew I had to end things. Then I saw a helicopter approaching and that could only be more KGB. I quickly formulated a plan.
On one of the few lengthy straight stretches, I did a bootlegger reverse and fired my forward machine guns, shredding the tires and the radiator of the last car. As they few off the cliffside, I reversed my car back to the proper direction and hit the gas. I knew that a couple of miles ahead, there was a sharp bend it the road. The fact that this bend was at the top of a steep hill was a bonus to my plan.
As I neared the top of the hill, the helicopter was getting nearer. I activated both the smoke screen and the rocket boost 8 seconds before I flew off the cliff. I calculated that it would be about 12 seconds before I hit the water.
Sliding into the passenger seat, I fired the right rear flamethrower. That caused the car to begin turning to the left as it fell. Once it was turning, I , laid the seat back and began kicking the windshield. Although bulletproof, it had taken a couple of hits. This weakened it enough that on the third kick, two seconds before it hit the water rear first, I had kicked it free of the car.
After it hit the water, it was a simple enough act for me to spin around in the seat, grab the re-breather from the console and swim out of the sinking car. I stayed as deep as possible as I swam to shore. With police helicopters arriving, the KGB had just enough time to see that I must have went down with the car and they left.
I made my way to the highway and climbed aboard a pickup truck full of farm workers that was turning around due to the road being blocked. Once back near a phone, I called our office in Los Angeles and, well, you know all the rest.
And Q, a suggestion: perhaps a button to blow the front or rear window out, if needed? Three kicks made it a damned close run thing.
The Doclopedia #1,817
Why I Did It…: Cut My Eyelashes Off
Courtesy of Dawn Beauford
I know why I did it, but you don’t. Heeheehee! No, you don’t know. I’ll tell you anyway. It was because of the Alien Eyelash Pixies! Hahahaha! They come at night, while you’re asleep and they eat your eyelashes. Then They grow really big and go kill people. I saw all that in my dreams.
I saw it in my dreams.
I saw it in my DREAMS!
I saw it all in my dreamy dream dreams!
La la la lalalalalala!
And Dr. Anderson? He’s a Tillybok! Tillyboks are spirits that try to make you go to Tillybokland, then never let you leave! They have green fingernails and their hair is on fire.
But they can’t get me, because I wrote the magic words on my head after I pulled out all of my hair. See? You can see the words!
I want to cut my pinky fingers off to keep the ratwolves from eating them, but they won’t let me because everyone here is a MONSTER! They put me in this straightjacket so they can dance around me in the moonlight!