Advice For Frustrated Game Masters

…#1: Remember that murder is still a crime
.

Become a Patron! So I can buy tacos!

.

The Doclopedia #1,878

Seven Bad Axes: Alifa’s Bloodletter

.

Now we come to the axe of Alifa Al Saakor, one of the more tragic cases we have. As you can see, it is a simple woodcutter’s axe, plain and unadorned by either artwork or magic. Despite being a very common axe, it still took the lives of 15 men.

Alifa Al Saakor was sold into marriage by her farther when she was 14 years old. Her husband was 20 years her senior and wealthy. He was also a cruel man who constantly abused her both physically and mentally. Alifa was kept a prisoner in their home. Her only friend was her maid, Tarin. It was this maid that provided the story to the authorities once Alifa began her killing spree.

As her third anniversary drew near, Alifa grew desperate to escape from her husband. According to Tarin, Alifa began begging to the gods, starting with the God of Life and working her way on down. No god answered her pleas. No god, that is, until she got to the God of Death. He answered her prayers by telling her that she would become an instrument of death. She would be able to escape her husband, but her debt would not be satisfied until 15 men had died a bloody death at her hands. Then he told her to go to the kitchen, where she would find what she needed.

Going to the kitchen, she looked at all the knives, but that is not what she needed. Then she saw the axe the cook used to split wood for the oven. She picked it up and immediately began to change.

Tarin said that the change made Alifa several inches taller, much more muscular and her eyes blood red. Despite her fear, Tarin followed her mistress into the husband’s study, where Alifa chopped at him until he was unrecognizable. Then she jumped from the 3rd floor window and ran off into the night, axe in hand.

That night, Alifa killed 14 more men, including her father, both her brothers and the youngest son of the Caliph. She killed her final victim on the Great Eastern Bridge, then dropped the axe and, seeing what she had done as she transformed back to normal, threw herself off the bridge.

Despite a week long search ordered by the Caliph, her body was never found. Perhaps she was eaten by crocodiles, but I prefer to think that the poor tortured girl survived and went somewhere to live out her life in peace.

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,879

Seven Bad Axes: DeeGak’s Icebringer

.

As you can see by the ripples, our next axe is surrounded by a sphere of extremely hot air. That is because left alone, this axe would lower the temperature for several yards around it until it was just above freezing. This is one of the most powerful enchanted weapons in the whole museum, and that’s saying something.

Far to the north, in the Frozen White, live the ice demons, terrible creatures made of living ice. Their very touch can chill a person until they suffer frostbite or worse. They hate not only the warm blooded, but each other. Their icy homeland is a constant battlefield.

One ice demon, DeeGak, was bigger and more skilled than any of the others, and he conquered vast areas of the Frozen White, subduing those he did not kill outright. But DeeGak wanted more. He wanted to leave the ice and head south to where the warmbloods lived. With this desire burning in his mind, he summoned forth all of the shamans under his rule, telling them to find both a way for him to survive in the warmer south and a great weapon for him to use.

After a month of rituals, spells and incantations, the shamans presented DeeGak with his axe. They told him that it would not only keep a area around it freezing cold, but that it would kill warmbloods with even the slightest cut. They also told him that the area of cold given off by the axe would strengthen and heal all icebloods within it.

Armed with this mighty weapon, DeeGak took his six fiercest warriors and headed south. After many days travel, they came to first the barren tundra, then the Great Norther Forest. Here, they killed any creature they could that was bigger than a rabbit. Eventually, the came to the frontier of the Barbarian Lands.

DeeGak and his warriors ravaged the land, killing hundreds. Even the slightest nick from his axe would cause freezing to spread rapidly, killing a man within a minute. Even when the warmbloods managed to wound an ice demon, the wound would heal quickly. DeeGak felt invincible.

But as often happens with magic, greater magic was soon found. When DeeGak attacked a walled barbarian town, he and his men felt first the pain of hot pitch poured upon then, and then the incredible heat of a Rain of Fire spell. The ice demons melted into a great pool of cold water. Even then, the pool soon began to form into a giant ice demon, and may well have succeeded, had not the barbarians dragged the axe far away from it.

Eventually, they brought the axe to civilized lands, where many attempts were made to destroy it, all in vain. So now it resides here, thousands of miles and a heat bubble away from any ice demon.

The Rare And Beautiful Winking Skink Of Potawango Island

…nudge nudge, wink wink

.

The Doclopedia #1,876

Seven Bad Axes: Mackenzie’s Murderer
.

Welcome to the Museum of Infamous Weapons. We have a most wonderful collection of weaponry used in an assortment of deadly crimes. Many, indeed more than half of them, are enchanted in some way. Some were wielded by actual monsters, not just the human kind. All of them have a bloody history.

For example, take this hand axe that we call “Mackenzie’s Murderer”. It was used by the legendary bandit and murderer Argus Mackenzie to kill at least 30 people, and possibly twice that. His favored method of doing people in was a deep blow to the head from behind given that he was a large and powerful man, such blows often split the victims head like a melon. Witnesses, what few there were, said that he laughed out loud as he killed.

Argus Mackenzie was captured by the Queen’s Northern Patrol in 1285. He was executed via fireball on GreenMoon 10th, 1286.

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,877

Seven Bad Axes: Uwon’s Cleaver

.

This mighty axe, as you can see, has a 7 foot long handle. That razor sharp blade is 3 feet wide. Even in an unenchanted state, I think we can all agree that such a weapon in the hands of a Blue Troll would be very deadly. In the enchanted state, it was far worse.

Uwon was, as we all learned in school, the terror of the 13th Century. Leading his army of Blue, White and Swamp Trolls, he came out of the south like a wave of death and destruction. So crazed with murderous intent were they, we now know the Orc people only from old writings. Their entire race was wiped out in a matter of days,

The cruelty of Uwon himself was legendary. This axe is the perfect example of that, for it was enchanted not to kill. No, instead, when Uwon would strike a victim with it, it would cleave then in two, but both halves would stay alive in intense pain. Only by destroying one half could both halves die. The Troll Army never did this. They left screaming victims for predators or any survivors to deal with.

Eventually, the Troll Army was stopped and every single one of them except Uwon was beheaded. For Uwon, the punishment fit the crime, as he was cut in two lengthwise using his own axe. Because of the enchantment, both halves live even now, 400 years later. The left half is a crypt deep under Slime Mountain. The right half is in an unmarked grave on the other side of the world.

Happy Mouse Stories

…written by and for happy mice

.

Become a Patron! It could be the start of something good!

.

The Doclopedia #1,874

Random Character Creation (Super Hero): What Is Your Secret Identity?

.

1: Geoff Gordon, math teacher

2: Sylvia Peterson, reporter

3: Umi Tanaka, artist

4: Rudolfo Herdez, lawyer

5: Ed Weinburg, used car salesman
6: Carol, Pznofski, housewife & mother

7: Jenny M’Botho, chef

8: Lou Roberts, tv news anchor

9: Larry Spinnelli, truck driver

10: Maggie Birdwoman, convenience store owner

11: Ka’Nita Prince, dentist

12: Andy Polk, farmer

13: Ben Torres, mechanic

14: Patsy Mullins, high school junior

15: Tim Schneider, construction worker

16: Beth Edmunds, scientist

17: Trevor Chin, writer

18: Mitch Smith, police officer

19: Francine Gilbert, office manager

20: Pat Treadway, college student

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,877

Random Character Creation (Super Hero): How Did You Gain Your Powers?

.

1: Exposure to radiation

2: Bitten by a radioactive animal (your choice

3: Just born with powers

4: Ate a strange fruit

5: Exposure to magic

6: Taught by Tibetan mystics

7: Blessed/Cursed by the gods

8: Struck by lightning

9: Exposure to a mutagen

10: I have a magic item

11: Exposure to nanotechnology

12: I’m an alien

13: Exposure to alien spores

14: Triggered by great mental trauma

15: Fell into toxic waste pool, then hit by lightning from a UFO

16: Drank a strange potion

17: Forbidden ritual

18: Exposure to cosmic rays

19: Had hot sex with a superperson

20: I’ll be damned if I know

Guitars & Cataracts

…hillbilly muzak

.

Become a Patron! Do it now, before the rush!

.

The Doclopedia #1,872

Random Character Creation (Super Hero): What Is Your Weakness?

.

1: Fire

2: Silver

3: Mental Attacks

4: Cold

5: Poison

6: High Levels Of Radiation

7: Magic

8: Some Goofyass Mineral From Another Solar System

9: Suffocation

10: Explosions

11: Drowning

12: Alcohol

13: Sonic Attacks

14: Strong Magnetic Fields

15: Gold

16: Holy Symbols

17: Acid

18: Bullets

19: Electricity

20: Animal Venom

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,873

Random Character Creation (Super Hero): Who Is Your Archenemy?

.

1: Doctor Terror

2: The Brown Spider

3: Miss Murder

4: Captain Chaotic

5: Beastwoman

6: Robo-Tiger

7: Supercat

8: The Yellow Mist

9: Professor Y

10: Quolgax, Master Of Magic

11: The Crimson Cow

12: The Asskicker

13: Jokeboy

14: Mrs. Crime

15: Hox, Fucker Upper Of Worlds

16: The Purple Shadow

17: Giant Dog Boy

18: Doctor Dreamz

19: Magnetic Mama

20: The Blackness

Bucky & Squint Just Blow It

…spectacularly so

.

Become a Patron! 9 out of 10 doctors recommend it!

.

The Doclopedia #1,870

Random Character Creation (Super Hero): Who Are You?

.

Note: Precede with “The” where logical

1: Red

2: Cosmic

3: Blue

4: Super

5: Incredible

6: Yellow

7: Choose a mammal name (ie “Bat”, “Wolf” “Tiger, etc)

8: Green

9: Solar

10: Captain

11: Black

12: Amazing

13: Doctor

14: Mighty

15: White

16: Purple

17: Choose an insect name (ie “Ant”, “Spider” “Beetle”, etc)

18: Professor

19: Gray

20: Fantastic

1: Choose an insect name (ie “Ant”, “Spider” “Beetle”, etc)

2: Beast

3: Man

4: Guardian

5: Woman

6: Protector

7: Thing

8: Choose a mammal name (ie “Bat”, “Wolf” “Tiger, etc)

9: Girl

10: Boy

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,871

Random Character Creation (Super Hero): What Are Your Powers?

.

Note: Select up to 5

1: Super Speed

2: Rapid Healing

3: Warning Sense

4: Fire Blast

5: Flight

6: Enhanced senses

7: Spellcasting

8: Telekinesis

9: Super Strength

10: Fuck Super Powers, I’m Gonna Batman This Shit!

11: Enhanced Reflexes

12: Invulnerability To Most Types Of Damage

13: Teleportation (with or without accompanying “BAMF!”)

14: Weather Control

15: Shapeshifting

16: Insanely Good Luck

17: Force Blasts

18: Ice Blasts

19: Telepathy

20: Sonic Attack

Silver Spider Dreams

…very creepy, really

.

Become a Patron! And help me keep writing!

.

The Doclopedia #1,867

Three Characters In Search Of An Adventure: “Red” Jane Hawks

.

At 5′ 4” tall, the redheaded, blue eyed woman known as Captain Jane Hawks is one of the shorter pirate captains out there. That does not mean she’s not tough, as many a man can tell you once she has carved her initials on their chest with her rapier.

Red Jane was born to a mother and a father who were both privateers under the auspices of the British, despite them both being Irish. She was loading pistols for her parent’s crew during raids when she was 5. When her parents decided to retire, she inherited their ship, the “Sea Wasp”.

As her mostly male crew got older and died or retired, Jane replaced them with younger men and women, until she had the youngest crew in all of piracy. This was reflected in them also being one of the most successful and feared crews around.

It was during a successful raid of three Spanish merchant vessels that Captain Hawks gained one of her fiercest and most dedicated crewmembers,…

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,868

Three Characters In Search Of An Adventure: Carlotta Fernandez

.

Raised as royalty in Spain, Carlotta was a wide eyed innocent of 16 when her parents loaded her and her sister onto one of the three merchant ships owned by her Uncle Luis. Their destination was Cuba, where her father would become governor. Then, halfway there, a large and well armed pirate ship sank both of their escorts and took all three merchant ships captive.

As insurance that her father would not do anything rash, Carlotta was taken onto the pirate ship while her mother and sister were put on the other two merchant ships. That was the beginning of her eye opening experience with pirates.

After a few days on the Sea Wasp, where she was treated quite respectfully and well, she spoke with many of the crew, especially the women. She was amazed at how independent and free they were. They could be the equals of men, choose their trades and, more importantly to Carlotta, choose their mates and/or lovers. By the middle of the second week, Carlotta was convinced that she would not be able to go back to her old, managed life.

A month later, when the cargo of the ships had been offloaded and Cuba had paid the ransom on it’s new governor, Carlotta told her family that she would be staying on with Captain Hawks to become a crewmember. Her parents were, to put it very mildly, not amused.

Now, 5 years later, she is one of the best pirates on the Sea Wasp, along with her best friend and lover…

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,869

Three Characters In Search Of An Adventure: Mary O’Brian

.

Mary came on board the Sea Wasp about 6 months after Carlotta did, when the ship pulled into a small cove in Cornwall. She had left Ireland at 14 with an 18 year old man who took her to England before she knew he was part of a gang of highwaymen. When Mary was 15, she saw him and most of his gang get taken by soldiers. She grabbed what she could and took off on a horse.

For the next two years, she spent most of her time hiding out and doing the odd bit of highway robbery herself. Eventually, she got involved with smugglers, one of whom she robbed and left tied to a tree shortly before asking to join Captain Hawks crew.

Jane and Carlotta hit it off right away and gave each other encouragement on their way to becoming full crewmembers. Later, this friendship turned into love. Now, working as a team, they are perhaps the most valuable pirates on the ship.

Mary is 5′ 6” tall and has light brown hair and green eyes. She has many tattoos and a ginger cat named Miss Stripes.

Doc Tempest VS The New World Crime League

…from the March 1960 issue

.

Become a Patron!

.

The Doclopedia #1,864

Three Characters In Search Of An Adventure: Professor Grenvale

.

Professor Fred Grenvale is a Professor of Biology at Big State University. He is also a well known explorer and collector of new and undiscovered species, both plant and animal. He has traveled all over the world.

He is a 40 year old white male and is in considerably better shape than most professors 10 years his junior. He has thinning blonde hair and blue eyes. He tends to dress in a more casual style than the university would like.

Fred was married once, in his early 20s, but his globe hopping explorations did not sit well with his social climbing bride, so he was divorced by his 27th birthday.

Recently, Fred has been considering an expedition to an unexplored area of the Congo, where rumors of strange large beasts are common. He is being spurred on in these thoughts by his star student…

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,865

Three Characters In Search Of An Adventure: Audrey Books

.

Audrey is a bit of a rebellious young woman in 1922. She wears men’s clothes, steadfastly remains unmarried and is a champion for women’s rights. She is also, above all, a lover of science.

Audrey is a somewhat formidable woman, standing 5’10” tall and having an athletic build. Raised on a cattle ranch in North Dakota, she is a crack shot, an expert horsewoman and, thanks to three brothers, a real brawler in a fight. Her hair is red and her eyes are brown.


When Audrey found out that Professor Grenvale was thinking of mounting another expedition, she wanted in on it. She is fascinated by the thought of discovering some new large species.

Audrey admires and respects Professor Grenvale. In light of this, she has found a financial backer for the expedition. His name is…

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,866

Three Characters In Search Of An Adventure: Nat Ingram

.

Nathaniel Osbourne Ingram comes from an old money family out of Philadelphia. Fact is, they own a pretty good chunk of the city. His family has high expectations for Nat, once he “gets those ideas about gallivanting all over the world” out of his system.

Nat is a totally average looking fellow. 5’8”, 150 pounds, brown hair and eyes. He could be a bank manager, a butcher or just a guy on the street, except he’s much better educated and cultured than most gents.

When he met Audrey, Nat was recently back from an expedition to Costa Rica with a couple of archeologist. He was almost immediately smitten with Audrey and was excited to hear of Professor Grenvale’s expedition idea. He has since told Audrey that he will bankroll the whole thing.