Mr. Sort Of Wrong

…but also sort of right

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The Doclopedia #2,101

The Minorka Story: In Which Mr. Minorka Shuts Out The World, But Not His Wife

Our Story Thus Far: After spending a couple of nights in jail (Mr Minorka) and a couple of nights under psychiatric evaluation (Mrs Minorka), they were allowed to come home.

Our court system being so clogged with cases, Horace got a fast hearing in night court, where he was issued a pretty stiff fine and told to pay damages. He also has to attend 6 weeks of anger management classes.

Minnie was given a whole bunch of medication and a therapist who would visit her at home twice a week. Her first day home, her pastor, a nice old guy that she had been looking at with doubt after the Alien Bigfoot Jesus incident, came by for a visit. Sadly, Minnie was too whacked out on drugs to hear the word of Regular Human Jesus.

I’ll finish this recap by saying both Minorkas were also “strongly advised” by the police to stay at home unless there was an emergency.

So that’s why, just three days ago, Ol’ Horace had some guys come and put up an 8 foot tall fence around his property, install security cameras, put out livetraps for “god damned cats and raccoons”, and deliver about a month or more amount of groceries. Basically, Horace built his own little prison.

That same day, Mrs Vang, their elderly Vietnamese neighbor across the street, started taking bets on how long before the cops would be back at the Minorka Prison. I put a fiver on 2 days.

As it turned out, it took 5 days before things things went both sideways and upside down.

It all started when Minnie’s therapist asked her if she and Horace were having sex regularly. Upon hearing that the answer was no because Horace sometimes has the will, but not the ability, the therapist prescribed some of those blue pills and suggested they give it a go. I figure ahe was trying to help both of them release tension and get their minds off recent events. If she had known where that was going to lead, she would have just suggested masturbation.

From the various bits and pieces that I’ve been able to put together, things went down like this.

The first night went well, with Horace back to full functionality and both of them enjoying themselves.

The second night went well, too. In fact, it went so well that Minnie cut back on a couple of her meds without telling anyone.

A couple of nights later, during the heat of passion, Minnie is just getting her orgasm when she see’s the dancing raccoons and Bigfoot Jesus outside the bedroom window.

A word of full disclosure here: the raccoons in question were my grandson, Brownie and his best friend Omar. “Bigfoot” was, in fact, my gorilla granddaughter, Cupcake, who was chasing them off and would later lock them both on a cage for being “a couple of ringtailed dickheads”.

Anyway, the sight of Bigfoot Jesus and his raccoons along with getting her rocks off caused Minnie’s religious delusions to cut trough her now less effective meds the way Batman cuts through a bunch of cheap crooks.

It also, according to what was overheard by a neighbor as they loaded Horace into an ambulance a couple of days later, was a signal for Minnie that sex was the way to enlightenment.

What happened over the next few days was that Minnie, now energized by religious fervor, became a wild woman. Horace, empowered by modern pharmaceuticals, was at first happy to do his part. It was only when his body started saying “DUDE! WE ARE NOT 25 ANYMORE!” that he tried to tell Minnie no. By the time the police and EMTs arrived a day later, Horace had locked himself in a bathroom.

In the end, Minnie spent two weeks in the Psych Ward, Horace spent 12 days in the hospital for exhaustion and “very severe chafing, and their four children decided to keep an eye on them until the courts allowed them to move to Florida.

That should take place in about 2 weeks. Until then, Horace is sleeping in the guest room.
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The Doclopedia #2,102

The Minorka Story: In Which The Minorkas Leave For Florida

Sasha: Hey, Daddy, the Minorkas are moving!

Me: Really? The special plea to release them from home confinement must have gone through.

Sasha: Yeah, Mrs. M is doing much better with her new meds and Mr. M is medicated to control his temper. There are two big U Haul trucks loaded with their shit about ready to pull out. According to their grandson, they sold the house to Mr M’s nephew. He’s about 40, ftom Bakersfield, has a wife and three kids. 17 year old rebellious daughter, 14 year old game geek son, 13 year old science geek daughter. The grandson didn’t seem to think much of him.

Me: Well, maybe things will improve with Horace & Minnie gone. I mean, at the very least the cops and EMTs will caych a break.

At this point, Cupcake, Brownie and friends, all wearing invisibility cloaks, enter the house with a news update.

Cupcake: Oh boy, the new Minorkas are real winners! He pulled up in his himongous SUV wearing a MAGA hat and a Q Anon t-shirt. His wife, who is failing bad at making anyone think she is 30, was wearing an anti-vaxxer t-shirt. I heard one of the other relatives say he’s a loud mouthed asshole and she’s a nut.

Brownie: Horace told the new guy that they’d better not miss a payment or they’d be out on their asses. New Mr Minorka told him not to worry. Minnie told them that if the dancing raccoons showed up to send them to the new address. The new Mrs M asked a neighbor if they knew a good place to buy essential oils.

Cupcake: The 17 year old daughter said quietly that her parents were batshit crazy and somebody should kill her now. I like her. Anyway, Horace & Minnie got in a car with their son & daughter in law and left. The new Trumpistas are moving their stuff in as we speak.

Sasha: So, we traded a couple of regular wackos for a couple of goofy MAGAts. Wonderful.

Brownie: I may have 1 or 15 ideas for how to deal with them.

Me: As do I, Blue, as do I. Jeeves, bring us each a milkshake. There’s a new pair of walking targets in town.

My Life Among The Colorful Pirates

…blue, green and red

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The Doclopedia #2,099

The Minorka Story: In Which The Cat Comes Back, Sort Of, To Ill Effect

Well, folks, things down the street at the Minorka house were pretty quiet for a couple of weeks, aside from the day when Horace Minorka decided to dismantle his traitorous lawnmower with a 9 pound sledgehammer.

Minnie Minorka has been okay now that she has some light medication, but she’s pretty much watching nothing but a mix of Bigfoot Hunters, Ancient Aliens and religious channels on television. I hear she listens to Coast To Coast AM every night, too.

Like I said, everything was pretty quiet, but then a cat who looked like, but was not, their former cat Moe. As you no doubt recall, poor Moe was tangled up with Mr. Minorka and his lawnmower during the Alien Bigfoot Jesus affair. Scared, and kind of a dangerous cat anyway, he clawed and bit the shit out of old Horace and did a good number on the face of surly Officer Hank, which only made him more surly.

Anyway, this cat wanders into the Minorkas front yard and Minnie thinks it’s a sign from God. Mind you, she tends to thing that about pretty much everything.

According to neighbors, she cried out “Praise be! The Lord has sent Moe back to us!” The cat, whose name was not Moe, paid her no mind. On the other hand, Horace, who had been replacing the air filter on their Dodge, started so badly that he whacked his head on the hood of the car. This upped his temper to around 15 on the 1 to 10 scale.

With a cry of “That goddamn cat!”, Horace threw a crescent wrench at the cat, who deftly dodged it and wisely began strolling off the property. That only pissed Horace off even more, so he started running toward the cat. Sadly, or comedicly, as the case may be, he did not see the wet spot caused by Minnie dropping the hose as she praised Jesus.

Eyewitnesses say that old Minorka did a perfect backflip and landed right in the wet spot, knocking the wind out of him. Minnie, running to either stop Horace or save the cat who was not Moe, managed to knock over the cheap plastic birdbath Horace had bought her 5 years earlier on her birthday. This not only drenched Horace with water, it landed right on his crotch.

Minnie kept on going after the cat, who now decided that he had better split the scene much faster. He ran off into the big patch of cactus over by the power substation and was gone. This caused Minnie to start babbling about Jesus wandering the desert. She was half undressed by the time Officer Judy arrived. The EMTs arrived a few minutes later and medicated both Minorkas.
The cat has not been seen since that day.
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The Doclopedia #2,100

The Minorka Story: In Which We Learn That Gun Safety Is Important If You Are Horace Minorka

Some of you may or may not remember my stories of our down the street neighbors, Mr & Mrs Minorka. Well, they are going to be moving to Florida soon, we think. I mean, they WANT to, but since the “hologram incident”, Mrs Minorka has become a firm believer that Bigfoot is both a ghost and an alien. This has caused her to start acting very strange sometimes. And by “sometimes”, I mean all the time.

Mr Minorka, never one to be called calm and reasonable when under pressure, has developed a hatred toward lawnmowers, cats, Bigfoot, cacti and pretty much anyone that gets within 30 feet of his front yard. He’s not too big on Jesus or aliens, either. The police have stopped by their house several times.

Their cat, Moe, ran off during the above hologram debacle and their dog Jeff was sent to live with the Minorka’s daughter, Jean, a nice lady who lives in Elk Grove with her husband and kids. Moe is living with the Sabata family about 4 blocks from here.

Anyway, tonight both the cops and the paramedics were at the Minorka home because Mrs M apparently saw 5 raccoons, one of whom was taller and blue, dancing atop the back fence. Moments before she underwent one of her “seized by the power of Jesus” moments, she called out to her husband. By the time he got their, all he saw was a Savannah cat on the fence, licking her paw.

According to their next door neighbor, Mr. O’Malley, who was grilling burgers in his back yard and wishing the Minorkas had moved out months ago, Mr M yelled “THERE AIN’T NO FUCKING RACCOONS, BUT THERE’S A FUCKING CAT!”, then ran out into the back yard a couple of minutes later with his shotgun.

The cat in question was long gone, but that became a secondary concern when Mr M tripped, fell, and discharged both barrels of the scatter gun into and through the back fence, hitting the police car of Officer Hank, a man of little humor who had dealt with the Minorkas before and had the facial scars (from their former cat, Moe) to prove it.

Meanwhile, inside the house, those darned dancing raccoons were dancing about merrily and telling Mrs M, who was by now speaking in tongues and removing her clothing, that she should relax and party with them. This did not help things at all. No, not at all.

The raccoons wisely split the scene when they heard the sirens on the cop cars and ambulances. Officer Judy, another veteran of Minorka incidents and a far nicer person and cop than Officer Hank, entered the house and, after determining that that the now buck naked Mrs M was not carrying a firearm, began helping the medics get her under control. By then, Mrs M was quoting from the Book of Revelations, amended to include dancing raccoons.

Now, on the other side of the Minorka’s back fence is a hospital emergency room where there are often police units and the accompanying police. Tonight was no exception, which is why after Mr M accidentally shot a cop car, three big fully armed cops came over that fence while 4 more came through the side gate. Seeing 7 guns pointed at him, Mr M lost bladder control, then gave himself up.

Things have calmed down now, although 50 or 60 people are gathered around watching and discussing the latest “Minorka blow up”. Mr M is handcuffed and in a cop car. Mrs M is pumped full of tranks and will be staying over at the hospital in the Psyche Ward.

Several people are making bets on how long it will be before the Minorkas actually do move to Florida. Mr O’Malley and other neighbors close by are taking up a collection to help them move.

In other news, nobody but the Minorkas has seen a raccoon or a Savannah cat recently.

 

The Secret Guinea Pigs Stake Out A House

…but why?

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The Doclopedia #2,097

The Minorka Story: In Which The Ball Gets Rolling

Things that Grandpa, Uncle Luke, Cupcake and Brownie Learned About Trebuchets Today.

A watermelon hitting the side of a hospital makes a humongous splat. Then the police come to investigate.

A slightly over inflated NBA basketball, when thrown high and about 150 yards, will keep bouncing for over 2 miles. Then the police come to investigate.

A bundle of 60 tennis balls flying through the air looks hella cool and even cooler when they all land in the soccer field of a nearby school. Then the police come to investigate.

If an errant water balloon hits Mr. Minorka, who lives a ways up the street, just as his wife yells “I wish God would strike you down, you old bastard!”, and said balloon knocks him out cold, it will trigger one of Mrs. Minorka’s “events”. Soon, she will be running around naked while speaking in tongues and evading police and first responders. Mr. Minorka, who recovered fully after a few minutes, is convinced she threw the balloon and is telling the police to “Lock that screwy bitch up in the nuthouse”.

All in all, a very fun and educational day, but one that will not be allowed to happen again because Sasha & Misty just got home and are just brimming with stinkeye.

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The Doclopedia #2,098

The Minorka Story: In Which Alien Bigfoot Jesus First Appears

In today’s episode of “Grandpa watches the kids for an hour”…

Sasha left a very long list of things we absolutely could not do, and at the top of the list was “leave the house or Bus unless they are on fire or getting ready to explode”.

Restricted as we were, we decided to go into the holotransmitter booth and project our holograms outside, just in case Sasha was watching. Fortunately, she wasn’t.

Unfortunately, the transmitter projected us up the street to Mr & Mrs Minorka’s front yard. Here is the scene just before we appeared.

Mrs Minorka was repotting some cacti. Mr. Minorka was bent over trying to start their self propelled lawnmower. Their dog, Jeff was sniffing something over by the fence. Their very large cat, Moe, was sleeping about 2 feet away from Jeff.

The holotransmitter camera is a bit goofy and it actually mixed our three holograms together so that when we appeared halfway between Mrs Minorka and Jeff, we looked like a large yellow human/gorilla hybrid with a blue raccoon bursting out of it’s chest.

This caused Mrs Minorka to scream and throw a particularly prickly cactus up in the air and Jeff to give a very loud bark and leap toward the heinous monstrosity that was attacking his human mom.

Sadly, Jeff is an old and rather clumsy dog, so he really only leaped onto Moe, who is an excitable cat even when wide awake. Coming out of a sound sleep because of a loud bark, a falling dog and what looked like an sasquatch from Hell, Moe took off running at full speed.

The tossed cactus landed right of Mr Minorka’s ass just as he got the mower started and was asking his wife what the hell she was screaming about. The sudden multiple sharp pains in his ass caused him to yell and fall forward into the mower, letting his right leg and arm caught in the control bar of the handles in such a way as to push down the dead man’s switch and set the mower moving.

It should be noted that the mower in question was about 45 years old and the most powerful Mr Minorka could find. It could move along pretty quickly.

Back in the booth, we tried to get the camera adjusted, but only succeeded in enlarging our hologram by 50%, making it nearly 9 feet tall.

Moe, the cat ran straight into Mr Minorka on the mower and, seeing this grass covered, yelling, half man/half lawnmower, went into attack mode. For an overweight old cat on the high side of 12 years old, he was ripping into Mr Minorka pretty good. This in no way improved Mr Minorka’s mood.

I will pause here to mention that at the first scream, the Minorka’s neighbor across the street, Mrs Vang, started dialing 911.

Now facing an even larger alien sasquatch, Jeff, to his credit, ran forward to attack it. Of course, he ran right through us, which somewhat distorted us further, which is okay because now the kids were fighting and I was breaking them up. Anyway, Jeff plowed through us, hit mrs Minorka and caused her to sit on 3 or 4 cacti.

For a woman nearing 70, Mrs Minorka could move awfully fast when confronted with a monster and a butt suddenly turned into a pincushion. She took off running and ran right into Officer Janet, one of our local cops who was first on the scene of what I’m sure the police are now calling “the latest Minorka incident”. Both Officer J and Mrs M, went ass over heel onto the pavement.

Meanwhile, Jeff had wisely decided to dive into the house through the doggie door. It was less wise of him to evacuate bowels and bladder as he sped across the living room.

The Lawnmower Thing was now heading up the sidewalk, panicking little kids and several cats & dogs. About 4 houses down, Mr Minorka got his leg untangled and the mower stopped moving. Things would have been relatively okay if he had not brushed his left hand over the mowers spark plug while trying to get up. His right hand was busy pulling a still mad and terrified Moe of his head. When the powerful electric shock went through him and Moe, it caused him to toss Moe away, right into Officer Hank, a large and not very pleasant cop.

About that time, we decided to leave the booth and go into the living room to watch old cartoons. When Sasha arrived home 5 minutes later, she looked at us for a long time, then reviewed the security camera footage, which showed that we never left the house. Only after that did she say that up the street, EMTs were pulling cactus needles out of the Minorka’s butts, Mrs Minorka was yelling about monsters, Mr Minorka was yelling that after he killed that goddamn cat he was moving to Florida, their lawnmower was half a block away, Officer Janet had a bandage on her head, a bleeding Officer Hank was try to chase down Moe, a couple of dozen kids were crying and things had generally gone to hell.

She started to ask us a question, but then just said “Aw, screw it” and went to get a drink.

Lemur Party!

…ain’t no party like a lemur party!

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The Doclopedia #2,095

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The Lucky Ace

After a long hot ride across the prairie, a feller wants a drink, maybe to play some cards and a bit of sport with a pretty gal. In Coldwater, Colorado, that most likely means a visit to The Lucky Ace.

Owned and operated by Miss Jessamine Mills, you’ll see it right there on the north side of Main Street and the corner of Second Street. It’s a big place, all white with lavender trim. The inside is real nice, all done up with gold trim and clean as a whistle. They make you feel welcome right from the git go.

I got to warn you though, that Miss Jessy don’t tolerate no fightin’ or gunplay or disrespecting her girls. You do any of that and one of the big bruisers that works for her will put a knot on your head and toss you out into the street.

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The Doclopedia #2,096

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Stoutly’s Pub

The best pub in Newshire? Why, sir, that’d be Stoutly’s, just down this road and around that hill over yonder. It’s as fine an establishment as you’ll find for six days ride in any direction, yessir.

Stoutly Sidebottom, he’s been running the place since he built it 80 years ago. Pours a lovely pint, he does. Like nectar from some Elven fruit it is. Oh, and the food! His wife Elin is a wizard in the kitchen. Her baked goods are so light they near float into your mouth. And her meat pies…well, sir, you eat one of them and you’ll swear no meat pie ever crossed your lips before.

Hmmm, I’m thinking it’s just about time for lunch, so how about if I just walk with you over there?

The Adventure Of The Three Gingers

…by John H. Watson, MD

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The Doclopedia #2,093

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Geedak Tro Tro

Located on the desert moon of Ulvak, this is the largest bar in Geedak City, a wild & wooly town that is home to miners, doolo hunters, fortune seekers and outlaws.

Geedak Tro Tro is a large and low dome. It has the traditional nine doors that all Geedakite buildings have, which offers plenty of options to anyone needing to leave the bar in a hurry. The staff are mostly Low Geedak or Hcholans, so servis is fast and professional.

Drinks and other mind altering substances tend to be very reasonably priced and the food is plentiful, if the menu is rather limited. Every fourth day they have Lonka Races and there is the monthly darts tournament.

Geedak Tro Tro never closes.

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The Doclopedia #2,094

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Maxie’s Tiki Lounge

Hey, cool cats and surf bunnies, come on over to Maxie’s Tiki Lounge after a day of riding the waves! The drinks are cold, the food is great and the music is really rockin’!

Don’t forget that this Saturday we have another Best Bikini contest with a $50.00 first prize! After that, we have a double bill of the Surf Tigers and the Hot Rod Rockers playing great music until closing time.

Plenty of parking around back and on Wednesdays it’s 50 cent drink night from 6 until 9! Come on down!

That’s What Sidhe Said

…some of you will get that

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The Doclopedia #2,091

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Pismo Joey’s

You’ll find Pismo Joey’s right next to the old Clam Shack, there on the north side of Pismo Beach. Now, half of the place is where tourists and locals come got great fried clams and cold drinks, but if you go around to the back, you’ll be able to get into the bar. It’s small, dark, smells of clams and there’s not a tourist to be found. You got your choice of 3 kinds of beer and that’s it.

But you ain’t there for the atmosphere, you’re there to find out something. See, lots of interesting folks pass through here and they might say some interesting things that Dewey, Sue or old Surfin’ Pat. Then, those three barflies might be willing to repeat what they’ve heard if you slip them a few bucks.

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The Doclopedia #2,092

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The Cock & Hen

As London pubs in the Age of Steam go, The Cock & Hen looks to be about average. Nice enough inside, friendly staff and customers, decent pub food. Pretty much like any of 100 other pubs you could find.

The big difference is that the pub is just the entrance to the much larger area under it, a 3 story deep workshop used by the League of Creators.

The LOC is a secret group of inventors who create gadgets, weapons and conveyances for various champions of good. The things they create are sold several miles away at the dusty little shop of S.Mills & Son.

Membership in the group is open to any top notch inventor, as long as they are sponsored by at least two members.

The Rare And Beautiful Wandering Pink Pine Trees Of Potawango Island

…not really tall, but pretty quick

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The Doclopedia #2,089

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: A Trap!

1: 2d6+2 Sword blades fall from the ceiling

2: A bomb with all red wires

3: A steel rod pops out at crotch level

4: Sloped and greased pit that dumps you in a sewer

5: Fire! Fire coming up from the floor!

6: Three pissed off honey badgers behind the door

7: If you pick up the gun, explosive gas floods the room

8: Snakes! Lots of poisonous snakes.

9: Hidden shotgun goes off if you open the wrong door

10: Rolling barrel studded with razor blades

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The Doclopedia #2,090

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: A Message

1: Written on a notepad “Werewolf on ship”

2: Interrupted phone call “You gotta get to 5th and Bell right now. They have to be stopped before…”

3: Spelled our in stones outside the cabin “RUN!”

4: A postcard “I shall rob the Royal Gala tonight. Your efforts to stop me will fail”

5: Note on a murder victim’s chest. “I killed Tony and Big Lou is next!”

6: Message in a fortune cookie. “Leave via rear door. Wing Hong men waiting out front

7: Delivered via messenger boy. “I await you on West Hill with my sword ready.”

8: Tied to a brick that came through your window. “Science is the Devil’s tool!”

9: Coming over your car radio late at night as you cross the desert. “Stop your conveyance, Earthling!”

10: A text message. “The experiment failed, Gail! I’m losing control. Call in Army!”

Her Nickname Was Spanky And So Was Her Lifestyle

…or so I’ve heard

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The Doclopedia #2,087

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Things To Search For

1: A diamond the size of a duck egg

2: The murder weapon

3: A bomb

4: The villain’s hideout

5: Treasure

6: A missing person

7: A lost robot

8: A transdimensional gateway

9: The key to unlock the dungeon exit

10: The girl with the green eyes

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The Doclopedia #2,088

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: A Meeting Place

1: Ernie’s Place, midnight

2: Her/His apartment. noon

3: The Tower Of The Gods, 2:00 am

4: City Hall, 9:00 am sharp

5: Next to the village well, just after sunset

6: ACME Labs, in 10 minutes

7: Starbase 225, in a week

8: The Stork Club, 9:00 pm, dress sharp

9: 221 B Baker Street. whenever

10: May 9th, 1630 AD, Florida, look for a bus

Mud Babies

…cute, but muddy

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The Doclopedia #2,089

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: An Ally

1: K-Bo, the DJ

2: Professor Winklemoore, Chemist

3: Rufus, a large goat of high intelligence

4: Sister Esperanza, amateur detective

5: Jake, a down on his luck veteran

6: Gina, a taxi driver

7: Moonpie, a mysterious vigilante

8: Old Kay, an expert in local legends

9: Big Bones Billy, a tough palooka

10: Agent Roscoe, FBI

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The Doclopedia #2,090

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Spooky Places

1: Dead Wolf Canyon

2: Fire Lake

3: The Old Anderson Place

4: That abandoned warehouse over on 57th Street

5: Satan’s Swamp

6: The Killwell Family Cemetery

7: The Bar X Ranch

8: Apartment 1280

9: That abandoned mall out by the river

10: The sewers under the city

Module J-2: The Island Of Slime Hags

…for characters level 3-5

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The Doclopedia #2,087

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Powerful Magic

1: Wand Of Many Spiders

2: Rejastro’s Spell Of Face Melting

3: Scroll Of Fast Escape

4: Ring Of Slime Creation

5: Staff Of Bonecrushing

6: Minzel’s Dust Of Lust

7: The Ancient Jewel Of Soul Transference

8: Scroll Of Greater Firestorm

9: Ring Of Zombification

10: Wan Loo’s Staff Of Lava Bombs

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The Doclopedia #2,088

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: A Major Clue

1: A pair of red lace panties

2: A business card for “J. Harper Attorney”

3: Four gold coins

4: A .38 Special and 3 shell casings

5: A bloodstained frying pan

6: A note saying “Meet Jones at 3rd & Main, 2:30”

7: A half empty bottle of bourbon and three shot glasses


8: A photo of the dame and the cat

9: Footprints with swamp mud

10: A matchbook with a phone number and a swastika written on it.

We Had The Secret Meeting On The Big Bridge

…just in case somebody needed to be thrown off of it

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The Doclopedia #2,089

How Not To…: Rob A Bank

Suggested by Gaylin Chev

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I can tell you three ways to not rob a bank. Don’t ask how I know this stuff.

1: Do not gather up a crew in a hurry. Sure as hell, you’ll get at least two idiots who forget to do crucial things or, even worse, do stuff wrong and you’ll have to haul ass out of the bank before you crack the safe.

2: Do not use a sonic assault cannon to blast open the gate to the safe deposit box room, because there will be a shitload of transharmonics and you’ll be deaf as a post for 3 or 4 days.

3: Make damned sure the bank you go into is not one frequented by cops to do their banking while off duty but still armed. You will very quickly learn what a “Mexican standoff” is.

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The Doclopedia #2,090

How Not To…: “Fix” The Bus

Suggested by Avis Crane

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The Bus in question is, of course, our time traveling & dimension hopping bus, Sweetie.

If, by “fix”, you mean repair, don’t. That is something that Sweetie can do in some cases and Joe, our quantum mechanic, can do in all other cases. Sasha can do certain diagnostics and very minor repairs, but that’s it. If anyone else decides to play mechanic, things can go very wrong.

Now, if you mean the kind of “fix” that pertains to reproductive sterilization, well, I’m not sure even Joe would know how to do that. If Sweetie wants to reproduce again, I reckon she will. I don’t think it’s very likely, since she just had Spock a few months ago, but it’s up to her.

Lock Robster

…we were at a party

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The Doclopedia #2,087

How Not To…: Talk to Aliens

Suggested by Gaylin Chev

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Well now, that entirely depends upon the aliens you are speaking to, doesn’t it? I mean, every memberspecies of the Galactic Counsel communicates using one of the 16 versions of the lingua franca, so you just need to look it up.

Now, mind you, most species can only speak 2, maybe 3 GalLangs, but since Universal translators ore everywhere, just buy one and use it. Try to speak clearly, because if your Gal Lang is off by a couple of levels, the UT will make you sound like a primitive git.

So, I guess THAT would be the way NOT to speak to aliens, by using the way wrong language.

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The Doclopedia #2,088

How Not To…: Wear a Mask 

Suggested by Gaylin Chev

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Do NOT wear a dinky little mask that just covers right around your eyes. May as well not even wear a mask.

Don’t wear a mask that makes your voice too muffled to hear. Bad guys will just look at you all confused and then start shooting.

Absolutely do not wear a mask with your company logo on it. That’s just asking for trouble.

Don’t wear another superhero’s mask. That’s just tacky and might get you sued or beaten up.

Don’t wear a mask that makes it hard to breathe.

Don’t wear a mask with too much high tech stuff built into it. If you lose power you might not be able to see or hear or whatever.

Looking For Mr. Crowbar

…was that a book or a movie?

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The Doclopedia #2,101

How Not To…: Alienate Friends

Suggested by Nancy Aikman Martin

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It turns out that the solution to alienating friends is the same solution to many things: DON’T BE A DICK! Be caring and understanding instead. Works every time. Also maybe be mindful of your breath and try not to rip off really horrible farts.

I need to admit that when I fierst read the suggestion for this entry, I thought it was ALIENIZE Friends, which, as it turns out, is very difficult.

I mean, aside from whacking then full of alien DNA, which is almost never compatible anyway, the only other way is to take their great X 20 grandparents to some other planet centuries ago and see what you end up with today. The Wemafolons did that with some homo sapiens about 30,000 years ago, which is why there are so many human looking races out there. We can interbreed with about half of them, if they wanted to hook up with the trailer trash of our Galactic Sector.

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The Doclopedia #2,102

How Not To…: Blow Up The Universe

Suggested by Avis Crane

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This is one of my friend Avis’ little jokes, because you can’t even blow up a good hunk of a galaxy, let alone an entire universe. It would be like a paramecium trying to blow up a black hole. Ain’t gonna happen.

Hell, you can’t even mess up an entire universe, although you can, given enough time and motivation, play a good bit of hell with a Galactic Sector or two.

I’d tell you how, but then the shit would hit the fan and I’d be dead.

I Only Have Eyes For You, Plus A Couple Of Ears And One Finger

…and a foot. almost forgot the foot.

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The Doclopedia #2,099

How Not To…: Meet Your Future In-Laws

Well, you don’t want to confuse the days and think your future in-laws will be there on Sunday morning when in fact they show up on Saturday morning after you and your future wife have hosted a big damn party the night before and the house looks like a frat house and a gay bar and a zoo slammed into each other and exploded and for reasons we won’t go into both of you are wearing each other’s clothing and your friend Tony who is a great cook is yelling “What the fuck do you assholes want for breakfast” and Lily is asking where her shoes are and your big dog is sleeping on the sofa with Albert and both of them are snoring and the living room has a kiddie pool full of banana pudding in it and you and your future wife and all your friends are still drunk.

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The Doclopedia #2,100

How Not To…: Be An Asshole

I’m pretty sure a few of my friends bet money that I would be clueless on this subject, but they are wrong. So, how not to be an asshole? Some examples.

1: If you are a corrupt scumbag of a cop who shakes down hookers and weed dealers and other street people in 1978 San Francisco, stop doing it and quit the force and go do something decent. That way, you will avoid eventually having your cop car stolen and used on an errand of mercy and then dumped so those street people can strip it. You will avoid being punished and laughed off the force and having your ass kicked several times once you are an ex-cop.

2: If you are a sleazy businessman who is cheating on your wife and threatening your hard working waitress daughter with no money for college unless she gives up her boyfriend, you should stop that shit and beg forgiveness and never do it again. By doing so, you will avoid having 8X10 glossies of yourself boning your side action put up all over town, as well as having some of your virulent rants recorded and played back for people you do business with. Added bonus: Your wife doesn’t get the best 50% of your stuff when she divorces you.

3: If you are the #1 mean rich girl at school, who torments many other girls, you should repent and try to undo the bad you’ve done. That will prevent your extremely detailed diary containing of your sex life, hatred of your parents and some seriously vicious rants from finding it’s way into your parents hands. You can avoid being cut off financially, sent off to a boarding school in the middle of nowhere and losing all your friends.

Bad Ducks

…with bad attitudes

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The Doclopedia #2,097

How Aliens Have Sex: The Vuunuufas

For this species of aliens, it takes three to tango. The Vuunuufa are a humanoid species with some resemblance to pigs. They have three sexes: the sperm/egg producer, the egg/sperm producer, and the fertilizing partner. They all have the same two sex organs.

Basically, sex involves all three of them inserting/receiving each other’s sex organs and then just sort of standing there trembling for as long as 45 minutes. If the sex is just for pleasure, the fertilizing partner withholds the hormones that let sperm and egg meet. After they are done, they separate and everyone takes a nap.

But if the sex is for procreation, the hormones flow and everyone ends up pregnant except the fertilizing partner. Then they take a nap.

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The Doclopedia #2,098

How Aliens Have Sex: The Ixnili

These 15 foot tall, warm blooded reptilians are a savage race barely into the Bronze Age. They are savage and bloodthirsty and their sex lives match that.

When two Ixnili want to have sex, whether for fun or procreation, they first fight. They don’t use any weapon except their body parts. The fighting is brutal and there are no rules. Sooner or later, one of them defeats the other and it’s sex time.

Now, you might think that the winner would then ravage the loser, but you’d be wrong. No, the Ixnili heal very quickly, so after only a few minutes, the loser is okay enough to take control of the sex and the winner just lays back and enjoys things. Which is probably good, because the actual sex act lasts about an hour.

DON’T TURN AROUND!

…you turned around, didn’t you?

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The Doclopedia #2,095

How Aliens Have Sex: The Skeeords

Skeeords are an Early Industrial race. They look like a cross between a orangutan and a cow. The sexes are generally the same size, about 6 feet tall and 300 pounds.

When the female, who always calls the sexual shots, gets in the mood, she begins to emit a smell reminiscent of vinegar, cherries and stale beer. This pretty much causes any mature males who smell it to think of nothing but the old in & out. But first, if there is more than one males around, they begin wrestling to see who gets her. This means there could be a big sweaty mass of several males on the ground trying to pin each other.

Once a male is pinned for a few seconds, he goes all limp and then crawls off. After a bit, one male reigns supreme and he goes to claim his female. Except she actually claims him, because grasping tentacles in her vaginal analog hold his branching sex organ inside her until she has orgasmed several dozen times. Then she just up and leaves to do whatever and the male sleeps it off for 12 to 36 hours.

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The Doclopedia #2,096

How Aliens Have Sex: The K’wnu

The K’wnu are a protoplasmic race that are at the Early Agriculture stage of development. Watching them have sex is both amazing and rather beautiful.

These large 2,000 pound blobs of clear to opaque jelly come in dozens of colors. When a pair of then decides to have sex, they back off each other until they are about 100 feet apart. Then, they begin advancing toward each other at amazing speed, around 45 miles an hour. Sex starts happening when they slam together, which produces a very loud sound like a wet towel hitting a brick wall.

The two jellies merge together into one huge jelly. Unless they are intent on reproduction, the colors do not blend together, but stay distinct. The mass writhes and moves around for several minutes, then begins to start rising up.

As the big finish approaches, the 4,000 pound jelly mass will form a tower around 30 feet tall, with the two colors moving very quicklly. Then, at what must be the point of orgasm, everything stops moving for a few seconds before the tower collapses and the two colors separate. It’s quite a sight to see.

Chapter 294: In Which Our Hero Leaves Town Late At Night With A Pigeon, 11 Pounds Sterling And A Jar Of Quince Jam

…the pigeon was named Josephine

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The Doclopedia #2,093

Stuff In My Pockets: A Business Card

Normally, my business cards are in my wallet, but I had put thus in in my shirt pocket and forgot about it. It’s for our friend Charli Willow’s business, “Willow’s Widgets.”

Charli and her assistants, Gus and Raneesh, make all of their widgets by hand right there at the shop. The widgets are made in all sizes and from dozens of exotic materials. If you want a custom made widget, they can do that, too. Check them out if you need a new widget or if you’re a collector.

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The Doclopedia #2,094

Stuff In My Pockets: A Firecracker

This is a goddamn toon firecracker, so there is no way I’m gonna ever light it here on our world. Damn thing could go off like a pound of C4 or explode into butterflies.

I’m pretty sure my Uncle Roger slipped this into my pocket the last time we visited him and Aunt Jessi in Toontown.

Pig Racing Report

…all the latest racing news

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The Doclopedia #2,091

Stuff In My Pockets: A Small Dog Biscuit

This is a gourmet dog biscuit, one of 30 baked for Sasha back in 1920 by none other than Georges Auguste Escoffier. When you have a time machine, you can meet all the cool people.

We went back to visit him so that he could have a lavish feast on the Bus, prepared by our great kitchen staff. Afterward, he insisted on baking some goodies for us all, including “le chien extraordinaire, Mlle Sasha”. She was quite honored. The goodies he made were all incredibly delicious.

This is the last of those dog biscuits. I might put it in the Museum Room.

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The Doclopedia #2,092

Stuff In My Pockets: A Ring

No, damn it, not THAT ring. This one came from a Martian kid who was selling illegal artifacts in the rougher section of Burroughs Dome. Cost me 35 MarsCred.

The only special power it has it that it generates oxygen, so you can breathe easier in a low oxygen environment. I reckon that was pretty important to those original Martians all that time ago.

What The Fuck, Jeeves?

…the book Wodehouse did not write

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The Doclopedia #2,089

Stuff In My Pockets: A Sonic Screwdriver

I don’t normally carry one of these around, but this one ended up in my back pocket yesterday when I was looking for something in the tool room on the Bus.

We probably have 50 of these things lying around on the bus. Pretty sure we have every style you’ve seen on TV plus 6 or 7 you haven’t. They’re pretty useful, really, but I don’t carry one because I really try to avoid Doctor similarities, for all the good it does me.

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The Doclopedia #2,090

Stuff In My Pockets: A Vial Of Blood

I have no idea where this came from. It was in the watch pocket of these jeans and I found it when I was getting ready to wash laundry. Since I haven’t worn these jeans since we went to Dai ni Tōkyō (Second Tokyo, on Earth 603-C) for the Kaiju Festival, I have no idea whose or what’s blood it is.

It’s red blood, but that doesn’t narrow things down much. It could be from Ancient Rome or maybe one of the villains in Gotham City. Could even be Kaiju blood, I guess. I’ll have Sasha analyze it.

Doc Tempest And The Blue Madness

…from the March 1956 issue

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The Doclopedia #2,087

Stuff In My Pockets: A Picture Of Harpo Marx

This picture of Harpo Marx was one of many small ones that a guy in Hollywood on Earth 3-R sold me for 50 cents in 1969, local time. It’s a shot from Duck Soup.

What makes it special is that, in that photo and on that world, Harpo Marx was a woman, as were all of the Marx Sisters. In fact, that entire planet has about 2 women for each man and some of them are famous faces you would recognize.

Like Harpo Marx.

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The Doclopedia #2,088

Stuff In My Pockets: A Grocery Receipt

Yes, it it just a standard grocery receipt like millions of folks get handed every day. This one, however, is from September 1970, because why have a time travelling bus if you aren’t going to use it to go back in time and save a bundle on groceries?

So yeah, according to this, I bought a bunch of stuff for $35.00. That would be about $140.00 today. And the fruit was better than now, too.

Wife Adventures

…which I cannot discuss ever

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The Doclopedia #2,085

Stuff In My Pockets: A Silver Dollar

You know how in about, oh, 7,000 movies and television shows, somebody appears to get shot/stabbed/speared/whatever, and later you find out they survived because something in their shirt pocked saved them? Well, that’s what this silver dollar did.

I had won the silver dollar off of a young Virgil Earp in a spitting contest back in 1859. I put it in my shirt pocket and forgot about it when we left that year and went to Earth 9-K, a rough place where law and order was pretty much on hold for a few decades. Anyway, I was there to help a young fellow escape from certain death at the hands of a gang. We were hauling ass down a street on his motorcyclt when some crazy fucker shot me square on the chest. It hurt like hell and knocked me off the bike and unconcious.

When I woke up a bit later, I was on a Med Table on the Bus and Sasha was spraying some healing stuff on a huge bruise on my chest. Grace was holding my hand and then showed me the silver dollar with a slug in it. I keep it in my pocket now as a good luck token.

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The Doclopedia #2,086

Stuff In My Pockets: My Keys


This is what is on my key ring.

Clicker for the car

Car key

3 keys to the 3 doors of our house

Key to the Bus, which we really never need to use

A small pocket knife

A brass ring from a carousel circa 1916

The key to Storage Area 5X in the DocCave, where we keep dangerous stuff

A key to 221-B Baker Street, London, 1893

A small ring that acts as a key to the Tomb of the Lich Queen on Earth 905-Z

Thrilling Toddler Stories

…hard to understand, but thrilling nonetheless

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The Doclopedia #2,083

Stuff In My Pockets: A Tiny D20

Lots of gamers have these tiny dice. You can buy them at game cons and game stores. That’s exactly where I bought this one as part of a set. The set was black with white numbers. But I didn’t buy them for myself. I bought them for a skunk.

The skunk in question is Janet, whom the family has known for years. She was Daisy Mae’s best friend and played in her RPG campaigns. At first, she had to borrow Daisy’s dice, so I bought her the tiny set, because as a small NHT, Janet’s ottopus hands were small. She used them for years, but after Daisy died, she gave her dice away to several of her friends.

Janet and her friend, Snowy, also a former member of Daisy’s gaming posse, are humans now, working for NHT Intelligence as agents. I miss them both.

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The Doclopedia #2,084

Stuff In My Pockets: Bubblegum

This piece of bubblegum comes from Earth 504-T, a world where ultra-advanced technology has begun to look like magic and many humans have embraced a sort of quasi-fantasy lifestyle.

Anyway this is basically Bubblegum of Healing. Sasha tells me it has nanites and assorted chemicals in it that rush to small wounds and heal them up very quickly. I’m saving it for any future wounds I get.

Uncle Doc Talks To You About Soup

…primarily, chowders and bisques

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The Doclopedia #2,081

Stuff In My Pockets: A Comb

It’s a simple men’s comb, the cheap kind you can buy anywhere. The thing is, it’s special for two reasons: it’s bright red instead of black and I got it from Errol Flynn back in 1938, just after he finished filming on “The Adventures of Robin Hood”. I had helped him out of a tight spot with a mobster who’s adult daughter had a fling with Errol. I told him I liked the comb and he gave it to me, along with a couple of bottles of booze and a car.

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The Doclopedia #2,082

Stuff In My Pockets: Shoelaces

They are straight up ordinary shoelaces off a pair of sneakers I wore when I was 9. I had some great adventures in those sneakers and finally wore them completely out running down the steep gravel road from Old Man Kelzie’s place, the day we turned loose the bear he had live trapped. He was going to eat it and that shit did not fly with me and my friends. So we opened the cage and then hauled ass. The bear escaped and Old Man Kelzie, who was known to be a drunk, didn’t find out until 10 hours later.

Foul Opossums Threatened My Gerbils

….poor little gerbils

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The Doclopedia #2,079

Twenty Miles Through The Goblinwood: The Third Five Miles

Alright now, you listen up good to this, because this third leg of your journey is the most dangerous part. See, it’s about now, when you’ve descended a bit into lower land, that you need to get up in them huge trees and travel along the Branch Road.

Why? Because the floor of the forest has about a million big slimes, oozes, jellies, puddings and and blobs living just under the leaf litter and not a damned living thing survives there for long, that’s why! Hellfire, even some of the undead like zombies and ghouls get eaten. No, you climb your asses up the vines until you’re a good 200 feet up.

You’ll see the Branch Road marked out real clear. The Tree Kobolds painted the branches red along the entire route. You don’t have to worry much about them Kobolds. They’re all pretty cowardly. The Bark Trolls are another matter. They’ll be after you within minutes. Move fast though, and you’ll stay ahead of them, probably. If one does catch up to you, fight him with all you’ve got and you’ll probably win.

Other things you need to worry about are thrinks, floating claws, trap moss and Qualimaxius, the Great Tree Dragon. Now, old Quali isn’t all that great in size, or even age, but the snakey looking bugger has a big ego and that right there is his downfall. You start praising his good looks and telling him how his name is known far and wide. A few minutes of you bullshitting him like that and he won’t kill you.

Then, you mention that you’re heading through the Goblinwood to steal some great treaure item. Then you tell him that if he let’s you get on with your mission, you’ll cut him in for most of the loot. He’ll give you a hearty goodbye then, but if you came back through the woods, you’d best have some treasure for him.

Once you’re done with the dragon, you’ll have some of his scent on you, so the rest of the way through the woods is prety easy. Now, you fetch me another ale and I’ll tell you all about your last 5 miles.

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The Doclopedia #2,080

Twenty Miles Through The Goblinwood: The Final Five Miles

The good thing about the final five miles is that you can stop running. Fact is, once you get down out of the big trees and back into the normal sized trees, running will probably get you killed. See, now you’ll be in the part of the Goblinwood that’s full of goblins. Villages, individual huts, hunting camps, outlaw camps, the woods are full of them. You put that little rogue fella out front and let him scout ahead.

There ain’t much else to fear in this part of the woods. Oh, sometimes a bear or a tiger might pass through, but you’ll do better watching out fot those green skinned goblin sons of bitches.

Once you clear the Goblinwood, the trees get really spread out and you’ll see lots of grassland. It’s crawling with goblins, too. They’ll have some ogres and bugbears hanging around, too. If you’re traveling by night, which you damned sure better be, I’d suggest making a little raft and poling up the Karanzi River. You’ll probably get to the Goblin Lord’s pyramid by dawn. After that, mates, you are on your own.

Good luck and try not to die.

Slugs On Parade

…a slow, slimy parade

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The Doclopedia #2,077

Twenty Miles Through The Goblinwood: The First Five Miles

Now you listen up, “adventurers”, because I done been through the Goblinwood and back. All it cost me was this eye, a gimpy leg and three of my best mates.

Now, you lot’ll be going through 20 Mile Gap, and for sure, that’s the narrowest part of them woods. Anywhere else, you’d be going 50 miles or more. ‘Course, that narrow gap is the most dangerous part, because folks keep going through it like fools, Or, like folks in a big damned hurry to kill the Goblin Lord. Again. I hate that enchanted son of a bitch.

Now, the first mile or so along the trail, the woods ain’t too thick, so you can make good time, as long as a flying snake or a spikerock don’t get you. If you see the Black Stag, throw somethin’ shiny to him. A silver piece will do and he’ll stare at it long enough for you to slip away.

Around two miles in, the trees get taller and thicker. Bloodcats live up high in those trees, but they’ll come right down if they smell blood, so try not to be bleeding. And if you see groupsof little red mushrooms, don’t step on them. Those are baby Fungurillas and you don’t want the adults after you.

So the three miles you’ll travel until you get to Blood Creek are damned dangerous, but once you get to the creek, you can rest a few minutes. My late friend Coliria cast her Dying Spell on the big flat rock you’ll find there, so no harm will come to you.

But that won’t help you worth a shit once you cross the creek and start the next 5 miles. Now go get me another ale and two of them pickled eggs.

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The Doclopedia #2,078

Twenty Miles Through The Goblinwood: The Second Five Miles

After you take a short rest at Safe Rock, and it had better be damned short if you want to go on living, you jump across Blood Creek and keep on the trail. No, young Wizard, the creek ain’t very wide. Maybe 3 feet. Even a fella like you can jump across it.

Once you are across, the trail runs strait as a sword for three miles. You run at a good clip and don’t trip over a tree root and you’ll make good time. That is, unless the White Madness is around. Oh, you’ve heard of it, Sister? Yeah, it’s nothing but evil. About rhe size of a large horse and all bloblike. Got one big red eye and half a dozen mouths and all sorts of tentacles. You see it, you toss some holy water on it and then run like your asses are on fire. It can’t outrun you and after a while it will give up.

While your running or trotting along the trail, if you see a swarm of little purple critters that look like pixies, just fireball ’em and keep on going. They’re a Spriteswarm. Individually no thtreat, but in a big swarm they can hurt you good.

When the straight path starts to curve and twist, slow down. We didn’t encounter the hag there, but we found evidence that she was around. I hear a few years later that she killed a big barbarian member of the Hard Luck Nine adventuring band. Most likely, she cooked him up and ate him.

After a couple of miles, you see the trees thin out and get really tall. Some of them pines are 500 feet if they’e an inch and the oaks have branches as wide as a country road. Congratulations, You’re now halfway through the 20 Mile Gap and in one of the most dangerous parts of the whole damned forest.

I’ll tell you all about it after I go take a piss.