The Early October, But Still Planning The Halloween Party, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Farting Cow

…co-starring her pet chipmunk, Penelope


Sasha Explains It All

Reader Mail

Hi, folks! I’m back with another edition of Reader Mail, mostly because I’ve been too busy to think up a proper rant. I asked for serious questions this time and here is what I got.

Carol Robinson asks: “Given that human Terrans have not been acceptable stewards of the planet we share, what is the Non-Human Terran Alliance doing to counteract the destruction?”

Great question, Carol! The first thing you have to understand is that the NHTA has to work in secret, because if the human governments (to say nothing of the vast human herd) ever found out about us and our ultra-tech, they would wage war on us and things would go to shit really fast. Note that I’m not saying humans would win.

Anyway, we have teams out neuralizing humans who see anything suspicious, so we are pretty okay vis a vis security.

What the NHTA is doing, mostly, is making sure that as many species as possible are going to survive. We do this by setting up preserves and such in the one place that humans won’t find us anytime soon: the past. 1,000 BCE, to be exact. We have enclosed preserves that are miles across and placed all over North & South America. They are fully automated, but we keep a staff on hand just in case. We transport species there using the bus, which has a cargo bay large enough for 6 Galaxy Class starships, to use a Star Trek reference.

The preserves have full breeding populations of many species, including the ones who have gone extinct over the last century or so. We also have a preserve for humans that we stocked with missing people from all over the world. This was not a unanimously loved decision, since some species have a really good reason to have you humans die off. Still, we dogs, especially Silky and I, have control of the NHTA and we love you guys, so about 3 million of your species (a good diverse breeding population) will be safe when things go to hell.

And they WILL go to hell. Earth has passed the climate tipping point and while we could use technology to mitigate much of it, study of alternate Earths that went through the same thing tells us that you hairless apes only really learn the hard way. Sad, but true.

So while the downside is pretty bleak, the upside it that the Earth will survive, along with the vast majority of species on it, including humans.

Cupcake Walters, a Doberman Pinscher from Austin, Texas, asks: “Why Mad Science?”

An excellent question, brother! Sorry about your name. Humans are just nutty sometimes.

To answer, I need to explain why there even are Mad Scientists on the so called “hard science” worlds like ours. Please bear with me.

As we have hopefully described over the last few years, there are other universes out there where the laws of physics and other sciences are not the same as ours, the classics being those where the speed of light is faster or slower and those where gravity can vary wildly on a single planet.

After that, you get into worlds where only a few “laws” of science can be broken or, on the other end of the spectrum, the laws of science go right out the window because magic or superheroes exist. There are even universes where the laws of physics change with astounding regularity. You never want to visit one of those.

Despite all of these varied universes, one rules guides them all: Clarke’s Third Law. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”.

Yes, even the Potterverses and, even more amazingly, the various fantasy realities, are using an advanced form of science. Now, it is VERY rare for folks on these world’s to realize or understand that, but somewhere in their past, somebody found a loophole in physics and exploited it. Same with superhero worlds, horror worlds, etc. Yes, even fucking Cthulhu and his gang are the result of somebody (not necessarily a human) fucking around with highly advanced science.

Now, I need to mention here that by “science”, I also mean certain philosophical and religious disciplines. For more info on that, I suggest you contact Stephen Strange, a wonderful man whose elaborations on the roots of magic make my eyes cross.

Note: Every time I have explained this to hard scientists, they have gone a bit goofy in the head and required neuralization. Carl Sagan was the exception, but he died a few days later. I’m not entirely convinced Carl wasn’t a bit Mad himself. By the way, if you think scientists go goofy from that, you ought to see how truly religious believers react when you show them what the real universe is like. Again, you’ve gotta neuralize the shit out of them.

So, having taken up WAY too many words on that, let me sum up how one becomes a mad scientist like me.

1: Universes have weak spots and sometimes a bit of one leaks into another.

2: Receptive brains like mine tap into this leaking, never consciously.

3: Said brains are usually, but not always, possessed of a very high intellect and a rather fluid moral outlook.

4: Affected being can tap into a bit of hyperscience. (for Victor Frankenstein, it was of a biological bent.)

5: Mad Scientist, baby!

As with the case of Victor, the bit of hyperscience is often pretty limited. In some cases, it might include another branch of science (See: The Invisible Man). In my case, due to dimension hopping with my family along with my getting sapient, it pretty much meant I tapped into most branches of science, although biology/genetics and physics/engineering are my strong suits.

As to “Why Mad Science?”, the answer is always the same: Because I can. Because it is fun. Because it made me a fucking billionaire, allows me to travel through space & time & realities with my family, gave me my pet giant spider, allows millions of non-humans to be sapient, allows them to speak to damned near anyone in any language, and because it will one day ALLOW ME TO CONQUER THE WORLD! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry. Got carried away there. Anyway, thanks for the questions!

Until my next rant,

Dr. Sasha Jane Cross, PhD (X3)


The Happy Holiday, Yet Somewhat War On Christmassy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Hannukah Harmonica

…co-starring Patty’s friend Rabbi Rabbit

Sasha Explains It All

More About The Magic Bus

If there is one thing folks always seem to have questions about, it’s the Magic Bus. This is pretty understandable, since it is unlike anything most sentients here on Earth (or for that matter, about a zillion other planets) ever encounter. Today, I’m going to do a bit of a FAQ for you, Dear Reader. It should clear some things up.

What powers the bus?

For all of our electrical power, we use Mr. Fusion power generators. Now, these are larger ones, about the size of four big refrigerators. Each one could power about 30 standard suburban homes. We have 120 of them, because we have a lot of stuff to power and we have triple backups. For our weapons system, which we hardly ever use, we have a Mr. Fusion the size of a house. Same goes for our shielding, which we use pretty often. Oh, yeah, the same type of house sized unit powers the DocCave, too.

The Space/Time Unit and the Bus itself are powered by a sort of system that is based in several interstitial sub-realities and I can’t even begin to understand how it works. Joe understands, but if he thinks about it for too long, he gets a nosebleed and then faints.

Who/What are the SmartBots?

They are sentient artificial lifeforms, like Commander Data on Star Trek: the Next Generation, only they are not that human looking. They live to serve and are darned good at it.

Early on, they looked kind of like a taller R2D2 with clunky mechanical arms, but they’ve been upgraded a few times and now look more like C3PO crossed with Iron Man’s armor. Of course, their number of arms varies, too. Jeeves, who is the majordomo and Daddy’s gentleman’s gentleman (I laugh every time I type that) & Mrs. Hudson, who is Mom’s ladies maid, only have two arms. Alton, Julia and Jacques, our kitchen staff, have four arms each. Fry, Laurie, Larry, Moe, Curly, Lucy and Ethel all have anywhere from 3 to 6 arms. Their personalities vary and are much like their namesakes, except that the general staff is far less goofy.

The SmartBots are all powered by batteries that can run full tilt for 3 days between charges, but the bots still plug in every night.

Can the Magic Bus travel through outer space?

Technically, yes, it can. The bus is totally sealable and has full life support capabilities. It also has a warp drive. However, due to reasons relating almost entirely to Daddy being Daddy, it won’t do space travel. When asked why not, the T-Computer only says that we get up to enough mischief here on Earth and on alternate Earths.

Now, there is a caveat to this. If the bus gets loaded onto a spacefaring craft, it can go into outer space. We have used this loophole to visit several versions of Mars, Venus, the Moon and other places in the solar system of other realities. We also went to both Vulcan and the Klingon homeworld once. I’m pretty sure we won’t be invited back to either of them.

Is the Magic Bus alive?

Oh yes, she is. The T-Computer, which is the heart & soul of the bus, has been uploaded with hundreds, maybe thousands, of katras from various beings. The latest of those was my sister, Winker.

The T-Computer/Bus has a very wry sense of humor and is very protective of her “owners”. She also likes to screw around with us by changing the sizes of rooms or just adding a new room or two with no notice.

That’s all for now, folks. I hope this answered some of your questions. You can always send more questions or comments to me via our Facebook page SashaDaisySilky or Tweet me at @CritterAvengers.

Until my next rant,

Dr. Sasha Jane Cross, PhD

The Journal Of The American Society Of Earwax Collectors

…with a circulation of 32!

Sasha Explains It All

Reader Mail

Hi there, folks! Time for another go at reader mail.

Kyle Miller asks: “Do fish sleep?”

A good question, Kyle. Turns out, fish don’t sleep like humans and other mammals, birds, reptiles or amphibians. They do slow down all bodily functions from time to time, sort of going into suspended animation, but nope, they don’t actually sleep.

Now, that’s here on our Earth. Over on Earth 17, there is a fish called the Sand Snoozing Cod that actually comes into very shallow sandy coves and does indeed fall right to sleep for about 5 hours out of every 30. They even snore! To protect themselves during this vulnerable time, they excrete a deadly poisonous mucus that spreads all over their bodies.

Carol Robinson want to know about the canine sense of smell: “Can your beautiful species smell intentions? Can you tell when someone is up to no good as opposed to someone who loves you at first sight?”

First off, Carol, thank you for the compliment about my species. And the answer is a definite yes. Dogs can smell bad folks and good folks pretty easily. We know if you are up to no good or are a nice person. Generally, bad people smell of fear and sometimes insanity. Also booze, drugs and filth. Nice people smell like, well, you humans have no word for it, but in canine it would be “roowurf”. It’s a good smell.

The big problem is that we dogs are fighting about 20,000 years of wanting to cut you humans slack and be with you. That’s why some dogs stick with bad humans and other dogs fear everyone. It’s not that different than mental illness in humans or whatever it is that makes people stick with abusive mates or parents or vote for the same scumbags over & over. It sucks, but there it is.

As you no doubt know, we dogs can smell all manner of things you can’t. And wolves can smell stuff we can’t, at huge distances. Of course, wolves are often arrogant wankers, but man, can they catch a scent.

In a somewhat less than serious vein,
Joshua Simon wants to know: “Has anyone fed you in the last three weeks?”

Well of course they have. We get fed four times a day, plus a Milkbone or other treat at midday. Most days it’s dog food, sometimes dry, sometimes mixed with a delicious sauce (our dad makes an excellent Stinky Sauce). Recently, the Parental Units have been mixing in delicious cooked lentils. Yum Yum!

The problem is that the portions are never enough to satisfy our doggie lust for food. There is also the fact that Mom & Dad eat delicious human food right in front of us and almost never share. However, this seems to be a common human trait, so I guess we can’t change it.

My Auntie Avis Crane wants to know: Why is the sky blue?

As you well know, Auntie Avy, the sky is blue because we see it after certain wavelengths of light have been scattered by particles in the air. Now, some folks not involved in the hard sciences will tell you that in the past, people did not see a blue sky because they had no word for blue. These folks are as full of shit as a well fed hog. Blue has always been there, but those old humans just didn’t know how to describe it. A bunch of stuff was there that they didn’t have a word for, like germs, radiation and lead poisoning. Ancient humans were not nearly as smart as modern man thinks they were. Of course, modern man is pretty damned stupid, too.

Now we dogs, as well as many other animals, have also always seen blue (and yellow & grey), but we had a word for it: wefif. Just as an aside, I’d like to point out that once dogs like me become Smart, certain pysiological changes occur that let us see the rest of the colors. I can tell you that seeing green grass and red flowers for the first time was quite the mindblower, yessir.

If you ever want to hear a REALLY strange description of the world, talk to a swarm of bees. It has to be a swarm, the bigger the better. They see all sorts of goofyass colors.

Ok, folks, that’s it for this session. Good questions.

Until my next rant,

Sasha Jane Cross, PhD