Funeral For A Fiend

…not a song by Elton John


The Doclopedia #1,532

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: The Golden Worm


1: The Golden Worm is actually only about 18 inched long.

2: It’s made of gold, but also contains silver and copper.

3: The eyes are made of three perfect star sapphires.

4: Contrary to popular belief, the Golden Worm was not discovered in 1889, but in 1876. It was hidden away for 13 years.

5: The legendary “Curse of the Golden Worm” has yet to be fully dismissed.

6: There have been 15 attempts to steal it since it went on display in the National Museum of Australia.

7: Nobody is 100% sure who made it or how it ended up in a temple in Burma.

8: Regardless of the temperature around it, the Golden Worm remains between 72 and 78 degrees, Fahrenheit.

9: Estimated value of the Worm is around 2.5 million dollars, as of 1933.

10: Sometimes, very late at night, the Golden Worm changes it’s position slightly.



The Doclopedia #1,533

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: Rudy Aldorf


1: He has 9 children by 5 different women, but he’s only been married to two of those women.

2: When he invented the Wonder Jet Pack, he was suffering from Itchy Nose Syndrome.

3: His dog, Baker, is actually a mutant coyote.

4: He set fire to his house twice while inventing the Laser Eye.

5: He is allergic to cantaloupes and raspberries.

6: He retired for 5 years after he invented the Self Cleaning Toilet.

7: He is left footed.

8: His middle name is Oscar.

9: He was born in Idaho, not Colorado as most biographers say.

10: His latest invention is the Self Repairing Computer.



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Ballad Of A Blue Raccoon

…we call him Blue


The Doclopedia #1,530

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: Wazuun


1: Wazuun is enormous. 500 feet long!

2: Wazuun is a beast of immense glory! All must bow to Wazuun!

3: Wazuun prefers to eat grains and grasses, which his servitors collect for him in large carts.

4: When approaching Wazuun, you must crawl on your belly and beg forgiveness of your sins.

5: Wazuun has lived for 5,000 years. He will live for many thousands more!

6: The Priests of Wazuun are linked to him mentally.

7: Wazuun honors us with his weekly tons of excrement.

8: 367 years ago, Wazuun moved 290 feet to the north. After that, his loyal followers declared war on the Northern Infidels.

9: Wazuun only eats meat when all three moons are full and aligned.

10: To be eaten by Wazuun is the ultimate honor, so stop wailing.



The Doclopedia #1,531

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: Blonde Danger


1: Blonde Danger is not the first female crimefighter to go by that name. There was a Blonde Danger from around 1925 until 1934.

2: Her car is custom build, but can be quickly modified to look like any number of mid-sized cars.

3: Experts who have studied film and video of her agree that she can react and move much faster than an ordinary person.

4: While her pistols are custom designed, they shoot ordinary 9mm cartridges.

5: Despite what his lawyers got put into the news, she did in fact beat Marco “The Monster” Norell to a bloody pulp on Halloween of 1965.

6: She uses at least one drone disguised as a pigeon to watch the city streets.

7: Black Ace let her escape when he encountered her in New York, just after she had subdued Ella and Frank Townsend, the so-called Firebugs.

8: She has a team of at least 4 people that back her up as she fights crime.

9: Organized crime syndicates have a three million dollar bounty on her.

10: Her secret hideout is 90 feet below Police Headquarters.

Dogs Playing Cards, Cats Watching TV, Bunnies Going Online

…a typical night at home



The Doclopedia #1,529

What The Hell Was That?: The Wet Thing


I assure you, Detective. That neither my staff, nor I, nor the guests involved are intoxicated or hallucinating. We saw what we saw and I fully expect you to get to the bottom of it and find the person or responsible for this. Just look at these wet carpets! And that elevator has the controls shorted out due to wetness. People slipped and fell while walking across the lobby! Then, there are the guests and staff who are suffering no little distress due to having seen that…that…THING! Now I want to know what you intend to do about it!”

“Okay, Mister…Yardley, is it? Let me see if I’ve got this straight. This wet thing, which you all say looked like a gorilla with horns and a tail, and was made out of water, comes busting up out of that fountain over there. Then, it runs around the lobby, jumping on things and getting everything soaked. Then it runs through the bar over there, scaring several people and, again, getting everything wet. Then it comes over here, jumps in an elevator, and now you have no idea where it is. Is that correct?”

“Yes, it is. We did get a call that is was on several floors, from the third up to the fifteenth.”

“Okay, right. Well, we have officers heading up there and…”

Lieutenant! They’ve found it up on the seventeenth floor! You won’t believe it when you see it!”

“Aw, Christ! Which one of these elevators is still working?”

The Doclopedia #1,530

What The Hell Was That?: The Fast Thing


Cough…cough…cough! Damn, Paco, what the hell is that thing? Did you see how fast it was moving? It must have been going 200 miles an hour, easy.”

“Cough! Hell if I know, bro. It looked like some kind of lizard/horse thing. I think it had six or eight legs. Bro, it had green fire coming out of it’s ass!”

“I know, right? Whatever it is, it kicked up a shitload of dust. Look, there is is, hauling ass across those hills. Jesus, it’s really traveling.”

“I think we ought to get the fuck out of here, Ray. That thing could come back and run right over us. Oh shit, look! It’s heading toward town! We gotta get home!”

There Is No “I” In “Moon”

…but there is one in “Moon Pie”

The Doclopedia #1,527

What The Hell Was That?: The Weird Thing


Look, sister! Look at what is coming down the river!”

“By the Goddess, I have never seen anything like that, Ylva. Is it alive?”

“I’m not sure, Amel. It seems to be moving. Look how those tentacles wave. Oh, oh! Look at that! Is than an eye?”

It could be, but it is no sort of eye I’ve ever seen. All faceted like an insect eye. And look at the size of the creature. Larger that three big drafty horses, I’d say.”

“That fur on it looks strange and it…oh my! That is not fur. It looks more like worms growing out of it. OH! More eyes are opening!”

“Well, Ylva, whatever it is, it’s about to go over the High Falls and onto the rocks below. It will surely die.”

“I think that might not be a bad thing, Amel.”


The Doclopedia #1,528

What The Hell Was That?: The Sticky Thing


So, Mom, listen. I’m sorry about my clothes and hair and stuff, but me and Freddy and Nick found something in the woods. It was big and round, like, maybe the size of that beach ball Aunt Steffi bought us at the beach last month. And mom, it has this yellow goo all over it and so we poked it with sticks and it wiggled a little. Then Nick saw that his stick had some goo on it and then Freddy touched it and said it was warm and so we all touched it and it WAS warm, Mom! But then, our hands were sticky and then we touched our pants and hair and stuff and we got all sticky and leaves and stuff stuck to us and then I came home and I’m sorry, Mom.”



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The Worst Tasting Sandwich In The Whole World

…it was just horrible


The Doclopedia #1,525

What The Hell Was That?: The Big Thing

Good God! What the devil was that, Jim?”

“I am double damned if I know, Jack, but if it turns to go down the valley, it’ll stampede the herd sure enough!”

“That’s a fact, and… Wait, there it is, heading up the ridge over there. Lord, that thing is big!”

“Huff…puff…huff…Mr. Hawks, did you…huff…puff…see that?”

“Yes, yes, Ned, Mr. Anderson and I both saw it. Now catch your breath, son, before you keel over. Jack, you ever heard of a big hairy thing like that? It must have been 30 feet tall if it was an inch.”

“Nope, never heard of anything like it. Now, the Indians have a legend of a wild hairy man, but he’s only 7-8 feet tall and his eyes don’t glow like that thing’s did.”

“Well, sir, I don’t want to be here if that son of a bitch comes back, so let’s break camp and go back to the herd. We’ll let Mr. Bucksley decide on what to do next. Jack, you keep that Winchester close by.”


The Doclopedia #1,526

What The Hell Was That?: The Stinky Thing


Cough, cough! Oh shit, that was disgusting! Thank goodness we have a breeze. God, the smell of that thing was just gross. Are you okay, Danell? How about you, Sammy? I nearly barfed.

What the fuck was that thing? It looked like some sort of sick dog or something. Maybe a coyote? Do you think it was a coyote? I’ve never seen one this far into the city.

Yeah, you’re right, that tail was too long for a dog or coyote. The ears were not right, either. Yeah, yeah, they were way too long and stuck straight up. What? The front paws were like hands? No fucking way! Really? I didn’t see them. I was too busy trying not to puke.

Well, whatever it is, I’m glad it’s gone and I say we get the fuck out of here. Jeez, I think I’ll just burn these clothes. You can smell that thing on them.”

The Dancing Elks Fly To Havana

…MGM, 1938


The Doclopedia #1,522

Fantasy Foodland: The Pie Fairies


Name: The Pie Fairies

Size: 6-9 inches

Appearance: Translucent blue or red, beautiful, sexless

Personality: Shy, reclusive, often sing in an unknown language.

Their Specialty: Making all sorts of American style pies, often using exotic fruits and spices.

Friendly To: Pudding Pixies

Neutral To: Everyone Else

Do Not Like: N/A



The Doclopedia #1,523

Fantasy Foodland: The Pudding Pixies

Name: The Pudding Pixies

Size: 3-4 inches

Appearance: Tiny, chubby, dress in brightly colored clothing, almost entirely blue eyed blondes or green eyed redheads

Personality: Happy, mischievous, talkative, opinionated, curious.

Their Specialty: Creating large traditional British puddings, each of which must then rest for at least a month.

Friendly To: Everyone except the Cake Goblins

Neutral To: N/A

Do Not Like: Cake Goblins


The Doclopedia #1,524

Fantasy Foodland: The Cake Goblins

Name: The Cake Goblins

Size: 8-10 inches

Appearance: Lanky, green skin, warty, ugly, short black hair, dark brown eyes

Personality: Rude, crude, bossy, argumentative

Their Specialty: Absolutely beautiful cakes of all sorts.

Friendly To: Cupcake Gnomes

Neutral To: Ice Cream Dwarves

Do Not Like: Everybody Else



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Pulse Cannon On A Tricycle

…watch out for that kid

WOOHOO! New theme! Posting three tonight and tomorrow to catch back up on a two a day total.

The Doclopedia #1,519

Fantasy Foodland: The Cupcake Gnomes

Name: Cupcake Gnomes

Size: 10-14 inches tall

Appearance:Spindly arms & legs, slightly chubby torsos, large noses, big ears, big eyes, frizzy hair in a variety of colors.

Personality:Jolly, sarcastic, industrious. Enjoy whistling while they work and wearing somewhat steampunk inspired clothing.

Their Specialty: Beautifully decorated cupcakes with odd flavor combinations, such as Cherry & Olive, Rum & Artichoke, Dill & Chocolate and Bacon & Lemon.

Friendly To: Cake Goblins, Cookie Elves

Neutral To: Pudding Pixies, Pie Fairies

Do Not Like: Ice Cream Dwarves

The Doclopedia #1,520

Fantasy Foodland: The Ice Cream Dwarves


Name: Ice Cream Dwarves

Size: 18-24 inches tall

Appearance: Burly, muscular, well trimmed beards, long hair in braids, tanned skin, stern facial features, big feet

Personality: No nonsense hard workers, plain spoken and honest, sometimes sing long songs about various ice cream flavors, prefer to dress in leather.

Their Specialty: Ice cream in traditional flavors and none of that soft serve shit.

Friendly To: Pudding Pixies, Cookie Elves

Neutral To: Pie Fairies

Do Not Like: Cupcake Gnomes, Cake Goblins


The Doclopedia #1,521

Fantasy Foodland: The Cookie Elves

Name: The Cookie Elves

Size: 6-8 inches

Appearance: Androgynous, cute, skin comes in many colors, hair never the same color as skin, petite

Personality: Happy, friendly, kind, hard working, enjoy life

Their Specialty: Cookies in a million varieties

Friendly To: Everyone

Neutral To: N/A

Do Not Like: N/A


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