Silly Things You Can Do With Grease

…we don’t judge

The Doclopedia #1,427

New Pets: Giant Guinea Pigs

Thanks to modern genetic manipulation, the common guinea pig has been crossed with it’s much larger cousin, the capybara, to produce an animal mostly resembling a giant guinea pig, weighing in at an average of 30 pounds. Like regular guinea, they are active, docile and can be quite affectionate to their owners. Unlike regular guinea pigs, they do not do very well as single pets. They also enjoy being in the water and will spend hours there. Like both guinea pigs and capybaras (and humans), they do not manufacture vitamin C in their bodies and so need a diet supplemented with it.

Giant guinea pigs do best in groups of at least 3 and require a good bit of room. In most countries, they are on a strict No Breeding list and are sold only after spaying and neutering. They are surprisingly trainable and, like rabbits, can be trained to use a litter box.

Giant guinea pigs come in a wide variety of colors and color combinations. They can be short or long haired. The average lifespan is 8 years.

The Doclopedia #1,428

New Pets: Dog Lizards

Dog lizards are not a cross between dogs and lizards. In fact, they are not actually lizards at all, but a form of small dinosaur that was created using the DNA of a group that had been frozen in Antarctic ice for around 75 million years.

Weighing between 25 and 35 pounds, dog lizards have a size and shape similar to a beagle, though a bit stockier. They have a short thick tail, no external ears and flat herbivore teeth. Most dog lizards are about as intelligent as the average dog, but individuals may be less or more so. They can learn to do tricks and basic commands.

Being herbivores, dog lizards require much the same diet as cattle or sheep. They also need a good mineral block. Dog lizards do not do well in very cold or hot climates. While immune to many diseases, they can get fungal infections in humid climates. They are very hard to breed in most situations.

Dog lizards have an average lifespan of 30 years.

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Appearing For One Night Only: The Dancing Elks!

…and opening act: The Harptones

 

Last of the Dangerous Dames for a while. The next theme will be New Pets.

 

The Doclopedia #1,426

Dangerous Dames: Miss Blue

Name: Unknown
Aliases: Miss Blue
Age: 30?
Hair: Dark Blue Eyes: Sky Blue Skin: Medium Blue
Height: 5′ Weight: 95 lbs
Last Known Sighting: Paris, France
Crimes: Disruption Of The Status Quo, Inciting Wrongful Thought, Slander Against The State, Theft Of State Property, and 27 Other Charges


Summary: The Dangerous Radical known as Miss Blue has been disrupting the smooth and happy operation of the New World Union for the last 12 years. She is one of the notorious Traitors known as the “Montana Mutants”, foul sub-humans that were spawned due to Enemies Of The State wrecking havoc on a Glorious State Science Facility that was doing peaceful agricultural work.

Miss Blue is the leader of the Rainbow Force, so known because each of the Criminal Deviants is a different color. Using their Unnatural & Unholy Powers, powers that are without a doubt gifts from Satan, they have spread across the globe to cause trouble to Good Citizens.

As shown many times on State News 1, Miss Blue has the power of flight and the ability to project Dangerous Illusions into the minds of Innocent Citizens, causing them to have Wrongful Thoughts and forcing them against their will to do Criminal Acts. Rumors that Miss Blue is protected by a “force field” and almost immune to harm is a Blatant Lie. Our Glorious WarriorPolice have brought her close to death several times and will soon…

Do not believe the lies of the State, my friends. I mean only to spread the truth about their crimes so as to help you break free and live your lives as they should be lived. They keep you uneducated, drugged up and hating. The Rainbow Force reveals their lies to you.

Despite what you have heard, the WarriorPolice have never caused me any significant damage and the Rainbow Force has never killed anyone. When WarriorPolice or anyone else is reported dead, it is because they have become Enlightened and either escaped to the Freedom Underground or been killed by the State itself.

Throw off your shackles, good people! The final rebellion against the State will begin soon!

…whereabouts are unknown. It therefore is the Duty of Every Citizen to immediately report any sighting of Miss Blue or any other Vile Mutant Traitor!

Doc Tempest And The Swamp Ogres

…from the May, 1949 issue

We are bringing back an oldie here, folks.

After The Change Came

Series 4

A Night For The Return Of The Living Blog

Holy crap, it has been almost SIX years since I did an “After The Change Came” blog post. Not that I haven’t been blogging 3 times a week, but it has all been over on the “Man Bytes Dog” blog AKA the official blog of ManDog Game Studios. Yeah, every so often I’d think of doing a piece for ATCC, but then I’d put it off and, well, there ya go.

But I’m about to change that, so strap in, kids.

First, of course, I need to bring all of you up to speed on what has been going on with family and friends.

Grace is still as beautiful as ever and has maybe aged 1 year in the past 6. Now the mother of two not quite 7 years olds, she helps out at the kid’s school and has her Mom act together.

Lily is 20 (21 in 4 months) and halfway through university (UC Davis). She is studying to be a veterinarian and getting excellent grades. She has recently gotten back together with her high school freshman year boyfriend, Marty, and I am informed that they are perhaps on the way to real serious stuff.

Will and Gin are, as I stated, almost 7 years old and are a study in contrasts. Gin is, like all Green Ladies In Waiting, level headed and pretty mellow. Will, as his father/grandfather/great grandfather before him, is an adventure waiting to happen and the wait is never long. They are, however, great kids.

Roscoe & Gigi are, as is the case with Smart Dogs whose puppies are now 8 (almost 9) year old adults, empty nesters. April, May, June & Nick are all going to graduate college this spring, with degrees in, respectively, Non-Human Studies, Art, Botany and Computer Games. Nick is already working with Roscoe and I at ManDog. Gigi still teaches kindergarten and Roscoe still works for the state Department of Nature.

My best buddy, Sin, knocked us all for a loop three years ago by getting married to a wonderful woman named Paloma. Like Sin, she is an artist. They live in San Francisco with Babe, the Smart Bunny and Greta, a Smart Goat. No children yet, but it’s only a matter of time.

Avis & Daniel, on the other hand, have two kids (Bo, age 5 & Ian, age 3), a Smart Cat (Hetty) and 2 ordinary dogs (Spock & Bones). They live in Scotland.

My various sisters and brothers are scattered to the four winds, although the gnomish ones are all here in California somewhere. My nieces and nephews, of which there are now dozens, are even more scattered, with my nephews Chris and Zach both living on/orbiting Mars.

My parents, who are now nearly 30 years old (early middle age for gnomes) still live on their farm just up the road and still do all the stuff they’ve done since The Change, plus extra spoiling of their grandchildren.

And me? Well, I’m 65 chronologically, but I look about 30 (thank you, Mutant physiology) and I’m in good health. I’m still a Speaker for the Diplomatic Corps, but I haven’t been out on a job in 2 years. I’m mostly working 5 days a week at ManDog designing new QuestWorld scenarios (#96 went live last month) and doing the promotional thing at conventions, both live and online. And, of course, I’m still a “gentleman” farmer, husband, dad, etc.

Now that I’ve filled you in on things, I’ll let you know that these blog posts by me will alternate with blog posts by Roscoe. He has some interesting things to say, too. We should be posting fairly regularly for a while.

See you next time!

This Is Not The Transdimensional Vortex Inducer You Are Looking For

…it’s a totally different one

The Doclopedia #1,425

Dangerous Dames: Louanne Warnok

Name: Luanne Warnok
Aliases: Luanne Briggs
Age: 45
Hair: Blonde Eyes: Blue
Height: 5’11” Weight: 180 lbs
Last Known Address: New York City
Crimes: Murder For Hire


Summary: Luanne Warnok is an independent contract killer and has been since she was 17 years old. Trained by her father, a former Navy SEAL, and her mother, a doctor, she can kill using weapons, poisons or even diseases. She is rumored to charge three million dollars per hit.

To date Luanne has killed 38 people and escaped clean every time. She uses no known accomplices, so far as any agency has been able to learn. The only alias that ever been unearthed was one she used for the killing of Thomas Caldwell, a high level banker for the Mob in Miami. She was 19 at the time and used the name Luanne Briggs to get a motel room. The next day, she shot Caldwell as he played golf. The shot was done from 1,200 yards away with a custom made sniper rifle. It is believed that she then left Florida in a car.

Among her other famous hits were:

Fidel Castro, dictator, via electrocution while he slept.

Valency Yurgonov, Russian hacker via arrow dipped in cone shell venom.

Freddie “Big Balls” Leoni, enforcer for the New Jersey Mob, via cutting his throat during sex.

Kathy Hesperson, CEO of Hespharm, via one shot at close range from a 9mm handgun.

General Yusef Ibrahim, military rebel, via long range rifle shot

Tommy Patterson, rock & roll musician, via strangulation using wire cable.

Owing to the fact that Luanne has only done one hit in the past 2.5 years, it is believed that she may be preparing for retirement. If she does stop killing, the odds of ever finding her become nearly zero.

It’s All Fun And Games Until You Pimpslap A Werebear

…after that, it’s only pain

The Doclopedia #1,424

Dangerous Dames: Maggie Grimm

Name: Maggie Grimm
Aliases: The Dark Lady
Age: 45? 60? 100?
Hair: Black Eyes: green
Height: 5’10” Weight: 150 lbs
Last Known Address: The Grimwood
Crimes: Murder, Possibly Cannibalism

Summary: At some disagreed upon time in the last 75 years, the woman known as Maggie Grimm began haunting a long stretch of the Grand Imperial Road, going as far west as Arrondale and as far east as Magyrr. She is most often seen in the lonely and hilly areas of the Grimwood. She usually strikes at night, but has been known to attack people during daylight hours.

Maggie prefers to attack young men, but will not pass up a chance to attack older men. She has never attacked a woman. This has lead to many caravans hiring female guards who charge greatly inflated rates.

The exact method of killing varies a bit. Sometimes, Maggie just slays her prey with a razor sharp sword, while other times she uses a Whisper of Death spell. Still others die when uses some method to just scare them to death. Rumors that she takes a body part from each victim as a souvenir are false. She does take a bit of cloth from each corpse, but only a small piece.

One of the most troubling things about Maggie, other than the slaughter of men, is the fact that she does not seem to ever be detected by animals. Guard dogs never sense her presence and horses do not react fearfully. She once pulled a guard off a wagon full of live chickens without triggering so much as a squawk.

It is unknown if Maggie Grimm is alive or undead, but most caravan guards come prepared for either state of being. Not that it seems to do them any good.

Anyone who can kill or capture Maggie Grimm would be able to collect several rewards and become very wealthy.

The Belatedly Retconned, But Well Crafted, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Blogger Who Forgot Things

…co-starring her favorite dwarf hamster, Ferdinand

The Doclopedia #1,423

Dangerous Dames: Rita Lincoln

Name: Rita Lincoln
Aliases: None
Age: 25
Hair: Blue & Green Eyes: Green
Height: 5’4” Weight: 100 lbs
Last Known Address: San Francisco, California
Crimes: Murder, Kidnapping, Grand Theft, Arson

Summary: Rita Lincoln was born in Reno, Nevada to a blackjack dealer and an auto salesman. She became a political activist in high school before joining the Rainbow Raiders, a well known and dangerous domestic terrorist group. She quickly rose to become the leader of the group.

The Rainbow Raiders are known for dying their hair two colors and wearing brightly colored clothing. They strike quickly, commit assorted mayhem, then disappear. They operate mostly on the West Coast, but have struck in Texas, New York, Illinois and Florida. They are responsible for the assassination of 3 US Senators, 1 Supreme Court Justice, 7 billionaires and the Mayor of Los Angeles. They are known to use firearms, explosives and in one instance, nerve gas. They should be considered armed and extremely dangerous.

Rita Lincoln is a marksman and skilled in several martial arts. She is a fanatic dedicated to radical environmentalism and feminism. She is known to favor broadcasting assassinations live on television and the internet. Experts have stated that she is the most dangerous sociopath they have ever seen. There is a $10,000,000 reward for her capture alive.

The Billionaire Dog’s Journal

…it’s printed on gold pages

New Doclopedia theme! WOOHOO!

 

The Doclopedia #1,422

Dangerous Dames: Lily Martin

Name: Lily Martin
Aliases: Lily Moran, Lily Magellan
Age: 33
Hair: Black Eyes: Brown
Height: 5’9” Weight: 140 lbs
Last Known Address: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Crimes: Murder, Grand Theft

Summary: Lily Martin was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia to a well to do family. Somewhere around her 14th birthday she ran off with her 16 year old boyfriend, Ken Redding. For two years, they lived in and around Ontario, where they got involved in a criminal gang. When Redding was caught by the police stealing a car, Martin left town and headed into the United States. Records of her life and whereabouts for the next 5 years are extremely spotty, although she is known to have spent time in Boston, New York and St. Louis.

At age 21 it is known that Lily Martin, using the name Lily Moran, took part in and probably masterminded the Texas Rancher’s Bank heist. The sophistication of the crime had federal agents convinced that it must have been done by much older career criminals, until a chance recording by a department store security camera proved them wrong.

Two years later, an art heist in San Diego, was recorded in full by two cameras not listed on the art gallery’s blueprints. Lily Martin and a gang of 5 other women are clearly shown in it. Three of those women were caught within a month, but the stolen paintings have yet to be recovered.

Five years and at least two heists later, a woman going by the name Lily Magellan shot and killed one Pietro Guinelli in a restaurant in Seattle while he was having dinner with 18 year old Karen Taggert. The killer shot Guinelli four times in the chest, then told Taggert she had done her a favor. She then told everyone to “sit very still and be very quiet for 5 minutes” before she left. She made her escape and has not been seen since.

As of today, Lily Martin remains at large. There is a 1.25 million dollar reward for her capture. Law enforcement officers are urged to consider her armed and dangerous.

Was the above bit of writing interesting to you? Well then, consider become a Patron of this blog! Besides being one of the cool kids and getting to read fun stuff, you get sweet compiled Doclopedia posts in the popular PDF format, plus other exclusive stuff, like five versions of the same tavern. You can get in on this for as little as one dollar a month, so click the link and check it out.

Note: Some PDFs available only at the $3.00 level.

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross