The Rare And Beautiful Floating Cattle Of Potawango Island

…for the love of God, don’t stand under them!
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The Doclopedia #1,650
The Village Of White Rock: An Introduction

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The village of White Rock is situated on a large wide bend in the Sorsis River, 100 miles due west of South Bay and 80 miles due east of Dragon Hill. In fact, the bend is caused by the huge stone mass the village is named for. The rock itself is 250 feet wide along the river, extends back another 400 feet and rises to a height of 175 feet, leaning out over the river a few yards.

This wide spot in the river allows for barges and other river vessels to tie up at the docks and take on cargo, supplies, or just have a rest. Half a dozen boats pass through every day, but during the harvest season, that number can triple.

The village is located at the “T” intersection of Trade Road One and Wheat Road, in the central valley of Valduria. As the name Wheat Road implies, the area is mostly covered by vast wheat fields, along with a number of other types of farms.

The population of White Rock is about 80% Human, 10% Halfling and 10% various other peoples. The total population is around 600 people. A mayor is elected every 3 years and nobody can be mayor more than once without waiting 6 years. The village council is made up of 6 adults whose names are drawn at random. They also serve for 2 years.

Aside from the occasional fight between river boatmen, White Rock is a peaceful place.

Famous Residents of White Rock

Mercuria Gold: Famous archer and hunter of the undead

Wodly Boxhill: Royal Chef to King Erak of Valduria (1056-1103)

Lork: Red Troll warrior and Defender of the Greenwood

Dinnia Lindsale: Current Headmistress at Glowleaf’s School of Magic For Young People
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The Doclopedia #1,651

The Village Of White Rock: The Leaping Stag


As with most villages and towns, White Rock started out as a stop along a road, and the Leaping Stag is where travelers stopped to quench their thirst.

First built as a three room wooden building in 885, the tavern is now considerably larger, but still serving up drinks to thirsty travelers, river folk and farmers 305 years later.

The Zanderz family has owned and operated the Leaping Stag since day one. Rilla Zanderz, the current matriarch of the family, has contracted with many breweries and wineries to ensure that the selection of drinks is a varied one.

The Leaping Stag is located at #1 Trade Road One and is open from 8:00 am until 3:00 am every day.

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Dog Food Pizza

…thick crust

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The Doclopedia #1,648

Blame The Cat!: For The Baby
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So, my wife and I have this female Siamese cat named Trixie. Now, she’s a great cat, but she has this terrible habit of meowing and raising hell any time we get horizontal, you know what I mean?

Kissing and stuff standing up, fine. Laying down on the couch to make out? Nope. She’s an indoor cat and we live in an apartment, so we need to avoid too much noise. Putting her in another room doesn’t help, plus she’ll claw the shit out of the door.

Then, one night, my wife says “What if we try doing it in a standing position?”. So, with all our clothes on, Polly, my wife, leans over the back of the couch, I get behind her and we start acting it out.

EUREKA! Trixie watches for a few seconds, then goes back to playing with a catnip mouse. Naturally, after several minutes of dry humping, Polly and I are ready to go, so we get naked and start up. Trixie falls asleep! For, Like a week, we tried different standing positions and the cat did not care once. Our sex life went through the roof.

The problem was, on that first night, we were so excited, I forgot to put on a condom.

The baby is due in May.
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The Doclopedia #1,649

Blame The Cat!: For Killing The Dinosaurs
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My name is Roberta Cross, but everyone calls me “Doc”. My husband, Greg and I own a time traveling Cadillac Eldorado that is way bigger on the inside and can travel trough space & time. We also own 3 cats, named Sasha, Daisy & Silky. They’re as smart or smarter than humans. They are also chock full of energy and shenanigans.

One time, we were out near Saturn, watching the early formation of the rings. After a couple of hours of that, we started heading back toward Earth. We were in no hurry, so we stayed in that time, 85 million years ago.

As we were getting near to Jupiter, we sighted a humongous asteroid that was 14 miles across. Our computer said it was in an orbit that would cause it to fall into the sun in about 50,000 years, so I figured I’d just leave it alone.

And no sooner had I decided that, when three zoomie cats came racing into the bridge. Sasha ran under my chair and over the radio controls, causing Led Zeppelin to blast at full volume.

Silky lost her footing and slid into the box of cookies I had sitting on the floor next to me. Once she regained her footing, she ran over the top of me and out into the living room.

Daisy, always the athlete, parkoured off of various points, including the control panel, where her foot caused a photon torpedo to be launched straight at the asteroid. In 3 seconds, it hit, blowing away part of the space rock and leaving one big chunk and one much smaller chunk.

Now, I should have immediately checked their new trajectories, but Greg, was yelling at me to turn down the music and I had spilled tea all over my boobs and there were cookies all over the floor and I was cussing at the cats, so I forgot all about trajectories.

About 2 weeks later, back home in our time, Sasha started checking the recordings for that incident. She reported that the biggest portion of the asteroid was the one that killed the dinosaurs and the smaller piece is what blew up over Tunguska.

So, if you want to know what REALLY killed the dinosaurs, it was a cat.

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This Space For Rent

…cheap!
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The Doclopedia #1,647

Blame The Cat!: For All Those Fireworks
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“Jesus, Mike, we’ve gotta leave town and fast! All those fireworks going off is gonna have cops and fire marshals and feds and lawyers all after us. Step on the gas and let’s get outta here!

Oh shit! The fucking mall is on fire! Drive! DRIVE!

You know what started the fire, right? It was that big black cat from Old Man Lueker’s farm! I had the little grill set up on some boards on sawhorses way in the back yard of that empty house we had the fireworks in. I’d just put on some hotdogs for me and Jay when that cat starts walking along the fence. Jay yells at it and it gives him a fuck you look, so he chucks a rock at it.

Then the damned cat jumps off the fence, lands on one end of my table boards and next thing you know, the grill on the other end goes flying and then the dry grass goes up in flames and then Jay and I are running and then the shit hits the fan.

We were lucky to get outta there ali…Oh nononono! It’s a roadblock! Here come the cops. Fuckin’ Jay must have ratted us out!

I hate cats.

The Astounding Jellyfish-Man Versus The Villainous Red Newt!

…not a Marvel or DC comic

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The Doclopedia #1,644

Blame The Cat!: About The Explosion
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It is the ruling of this panel that, on the 21st of May, 1990, at 3:16 in the morning, a mixture of volatile chemicals spontaneously combusted, starting a fire that ignited rags and wood in the back storeroom of the H.R. Twiggins Auto Painting Shop at 5688 Gunderson Road in Spratsville, Ohio. Said rags and wood spread the fire into the main portion of the building, which was quickly engulfed it flames, causing two propane tanks and four paint storage tanks to explode. The resulting explosion completely leveled the building. No lives were lost.

As to how the chemicals became mixed, the panel refers you to footage taken by security cameras and provided to us by Daxx Security. You will note that at 2:30 am, a cat named Porky wakes up, sniffs his food bowl and acts upset by the contents. After knocking the bowl over and spilling the contents, as you have just seen, he now goes to several spots around the building, in some cases urinating or defecating in what can only be described as an upset manner.

Finally, we see him climbing up to a shelf in the back room and knocking down everything on it, including the aforementioned chemicals.

Finally, we have this last bit of footage of the cat leaving the building via a cat door. Approximately 50 seconds later, the explosions occurred.

Given all of the evidence, this panel blames the cat.

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The Doclopedia #1,645

Blame The Cat!: For Crashing The Car
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See Missy the cat.

Missy is a large fat cat.

See Missy left in the car while her owner buys a cup of coffee.

See the car on a hill.

See Missy jumping around the car.

Missy does not like being left in the car.

See Missy accidentally knock the car into Neutral.

See the car begin to roll.

See Missy’s owner come running out of the coffee shop.

Look! The car is going faster!

Missy’s owner is chasing the car!

The speedometer now reads 40 miles an hour!

Look there! It’s a curve!

See Missy being frightened and pooping all over inside the car!

Oh no! The car misses the turn and crashes into Mr. Feldman’s Dry Cleaning Shop.

Look! Missy leaps out through the shattered windshield!

Missy is unharmed!

See Missy’s owner arrive 2 minutes later. Look at her huffing and puffing!

Uh oh! Missy’s owner is saying bad words.

Missy is just sitting and grooming herself.

The End
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The Doclopedia #1,646

Blame The Cat!: For Wrecking The House
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Our Players
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Wally: A ginger cat
Jed: A dog
Pinky: Another dog

Wally: Man, I am bored.

Jed: So am I. The humans have been gone for hours.

Pinky: What’s “dinner and a movie” anyway.

Wally: Hell if I know. Hey, you guys want to play “Chase”.

Jed: Sure!

Pinky: Sounds like fun!

Wally: Okay, you two chase me. This will be fun because all the room doors are open in the house tonight.

<insert a healthy and tiring 40 minute long game of chase that covers every room of the house, at high speed, here>

Pinky: Wow, that was fun, but I’m hella tired now.

Wally: Me too.

Jed: Hahaha! We all have flour and craft glue and glitter and potting soil in our fur.

Wally: Yeah, but we can just roll on the carpet to get it off.

<insert much rolling on the few areas of carpet and sofa not already filthy>

Wally: Whew! Time for a nap!

Jed: You betcha!

Pinky: Yep! You know, Wally, you have some great ideas sometimes.

Wally: Well, I am a cat, after all.

<insert much snoring until the humans get home around midnight>

Rocket G-Men! Episode 7: Fire Warriors!

…they fight WITH fire!
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The Doclopedia #1,642

Recipes For The Devout Worshiper: Pocket Pie For The Traveling Redemption Seeker
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What You Will Require
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4 female virgins, tastefully dressed, between the ages of 16 & 21

1 pound of Certified Sin Free Wheat Flour

2 quarts of water gathered by the virgins from the Spring of Veth

2 tablespoons of salt

½ pound of Gim Butter, churned late at night under the supervision of two 5th Order Priests of Hakandru. Improper churning technique may result in punishment via a Soul Saving Buggering.

3 ripe Deeshta Fruits

4 ounces of honey made by the Giant Bees of Motis.

A dash of the Forbidden Spice, which will require you to then remain celibate for 9 days.

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Preparation
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While the virgins mix the dough, all the while singing the 19 Songs of Purity, you must peel, seed and chop up the Deeshta Fruit.

When you are done chopping the fruit, go flagellate yourself for 10 minutes while begging Yornuk, Hakandru and Qoul to forgive your impure thoughts.

Now, roll out the dough to 1/8th inch thickness.

Next, using a Thrice Blessed Pocket Pie Cutter, cut out 6 pie doughs.

Mix the fruit with the honey and then add the spice.

Have the virgins light the over using a Rizz Candle.

Put equal portions of the fruit filling on the dough discs.

STEP AWAY NOW, SINNER!

Have the virgins fold and crimp the dough, then place the pies in the oven until golden brown.

Once the pies are cooled, you may leave on your pilgrimage in search of redemption. EAT NO MORE THAN ONE PIE A DAY OR BE TAINTED WITH SIN!
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The Doclopedia #1,643

Recipes For The Devout Worshiper: Blessed Drink Of Insight
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What You Will Require
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An Eska Goat in full milk.

A blue glass bottle, washed in the River Carroon.

A Golden Milk Pail.

2 ounces of Junandra Juice, squeezed by a child.

1 ounce Common Sugar

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Preparation
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While reciting the 7 Insights of the Golden Era, milk the goat.

Pour the Junandra Juice into the bottle.

Add the sugar AS IF YOUR FILTHY SOUL DEPENDED ON IT!

Pour in the milk until the bottle is almost full.

Seal the bottle and then recite the Prayer of Bokol twice.

Go to your Home Shrine and place the bottle upon it.

Begin praying and do not stop for anything for at least 2 hours.

Once a full day has passed, gather your slaves and begin the Dance of Calling For Divine Favor. Keep dancing for an hour.

Go and cleanse your body.

Don your Amtun Robes.

Drink the Blessed Drink and begin praying for whatever insight you require.

More Songs About Aardvarks And Plums

…they’re real toe tappers
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The Doclopedia #1,641

Recipes For The Devout Worshiper: The Most Blessed And Holy Breakfast Loaf Of The Pure Hearted
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What You Will Require

6 slaves, preferably Ulugs, but Milonto’s will do, if properly trained

½ pound of holiest Red Grain flour

1 cup ripe Vaa Berries

½ cup of Lurm Milk, blessed by the Most High Mother of the Blind God

2 eggs from either a Tuak or a Giff

1 cup of chopped, dried & smoked Seena Sausage

½ pound crushed and soaked Pimmel Rice
1 once of the Nine Sacred Spices of Kupzatt the Judging Goddess

2 ounces of Tubon Fat, melted at night while singing sacred songs

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3 mixing bowls made of silver and prayed over for 1 hour each
A Blessed Stirring Spoon
A Hez Wood Masher

A steel loaf pan etched with the 37 Runes of Purity and Devotion.

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Preparation

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After performing the Third Ritual of Banishing Impure Thoughts, have 3 of your slaves prepare the kitchen, including starting a fire in your Oven of Fiery Redemption/

Have the other 3 slaves bathe you in water scented with Squink Urine. Then have then dress you in the Robes of the Most Devout Chef. Once that is done, banish them to your House of Sin Removal for flogging and preaching.

Take the Pimmel Rice and place it in one of the bowls. Use the Hez Wood Masher to pound it into a paste.

When the paste is made, add the flour, milk and spices. Use the spoon to stir it up. STIR ONLY 14 TIMES, LEST YOU BECOME TAINTED WITH SIN!

Add the berries, eggs, sausage and fat.

Pray for 15 seconds to R’rakk that you are worthy.
Using the spoon, stir the mix exactly 21 times anticlockwise. It is good if you recite the 6 Virtues of R’rakk as you do this.

Set the mix aside for 10 minutes while you wash your hands in Yinf Bile, then water, then Sacred Pool Water.

Put the mix into the loaf pan and have your tallest slave put it in the oven. Bake for 25 minutes or until well browned on top. During this time, kneel before your chosen Kitchen Idol and pray while your shortest slave recites the Hymn of Soul Cleansing.

When the loaf is out of the oven, order it to be put on a platter. Leave it to cool for exactly 39 minutes. Lie very still on your Punishment Bed while waiting.

Once the loaf is cooled, you may eat it, but if your heart is not pure, Wormlings from the Hell of Gore will erupt fron your chest and devour you.
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Big Words On A Small Page

…Or is it the other way around?

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The Doclopedia #1,638

Me And My…: Living Brain
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NO! You must not touch her! Get away from Erin!

<insert police and FBI agents restraining Dr. Neil Jedlo from attacking FBI CSI’s who were looking at an enlarged human brain sealed in some sort of glass globe>

Alright! I’ll cooperate if you keep them away from Erin. Yes, yes, me wife Erin. Disappeared 3 years ago? No, she did not! Her brain is right there. I…I suppose her body did disappear. Once her brain was safe, I put that weakened husk into the toxic acid pit over at United Chemical. It was totally dissolved in less than an hour. But she no longer needed it. She was alive in the device I created. She was free of cancer and a bad heart. What? NO! I DID NOT KILL HER!

(Insert Dr. Jedlo attempting to attack Detective Inspector Barnes and being restrained again>

The cancer was killing her! I had no choice but to remove her brain. I injected her with the hyperoxygen and the cerebral nutrients and then had 15 minutes to remove her brain and put it into the device, which is filled with hyperoxygen and even better nutrients. I did it in 8 minutes. It was quite messy, but there was no degradation of the brain tissue.

<insert Agent Rox Millder asking about the brain’s size>

Oh, yes, that. Totally unexpected. I can only assume that the solution, being so oxygenated and nutrient rich, stimulated tissue growth. She is just short of three times the size and weight of an ordinary brain. Quite remarkable, really. What? Oh yes, she is completely alive and aware. What good would a dead brain do anyone?

<insert a general panic when a speaker on the device holding the brain emits a human female scream at high volume>

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The Doclopedia #1,639

Me And My…: Wombat
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Mom! Mom! Calm down, okay? It’s not a giant hamster, it’s…NO! It’s not a giant guinea pig, either. Mom! It’s a WOMBAT! They’re from Australia and…no, it doesn’t eat meat, it eats grass and stuff. No, he’s not going to bite. He’s just a baby. Umm, yeah, he will get a lot bigger. MOM, stop yelling! What? Why are you calling dad? Well, tell him Mr. Duggans, the old Australian guy down the street gave him to me. What? Oh, that’s wombat poop. See how it’s cube shaped? Isn’t that cool? I wonder how his butt…MOM! Stop yelling!

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The Doclopedia #1,640

Me And My…: Cyborg Cat
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That’s Felix, our ship’s cat. He’s a fine old guy who has seen his share of action. Yeah, he’s about 50% machine now. Lost his tail when that damned Tulgor accidentally hatched in Cargo Bay 3. Not quite fast enough to outrun it, eh, old boy? Of course, he was faster than poor Ensign Oofkar.

His eye? That was cancer. His ears got shot off during a battle with GirGons that transported on board. Would you believe he led one those snakey bastards into the trash recycler? Hahaha.

He lost his hind legs to a Cirrolon virus, same one that got my left leg from just below the knee. It was some nasty shit, I’ll tell you. His teeth? Old age. Hell, he’s 28 next month. The doctor says that his bionic heart and liver will help him live 4-5 years more. After that? Well, we’ll probably just let him go naturally. But until then, he’s about the best cat in the fleet.
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