The Ice Cream Dwarves And The Candy Gnomes Go To War

…over caramel or peanuts or something

The Doclopedia #1,388

Potion Ingredients: Troll Sperm

Contrary to popular wisdom, only the very largest and very smallest trolls reproduce by splitting in two, with a new troll growing from each half. All of the other trolls mate like the majority of humanoids do. The trick then is how to get sperm from a male troll without getting killed.

You cannot cast an illusion strong enough to convince a troll to shag some sort of receptacle, nor can you build a convincing enough fake female troll. No, you will have to deal with a real female troll. We suggest the Red Troll species, since the females are far smarter than any other trolls. For a price, you can probably get her to gather a good amount of sperm during the annual breeding season.

Make sure you have her place it in glass jars with tight fitting lids, then pour essence of goldflower over each one. Store in a cool dry place until you get it to market. You should have no trouble getting 200 gold pieces per jar.

The Doclopedia #1,389

Potion Ingredients: Dungeon Blood Dust

Should you find yourself deep in a dungeon, as I am told more than a few adventuring folk do, you should keep your eyes open for this popular potion ingredient.

Comprised not of the actual blood of any creature, this scarlet dust is actually the dormant spores of Rust Monster Fungus, a type of fungus that infects and can even kill these annoying creatures.

The spores are completely harmless to any other creatures, so the actual act of scooping it up is simple. Of course, getting to it, then escaping the dungeon may be another matter.

You should expect to get about 75 gold pieces per ounce, although prices fluctuate in cities with a large Adventurers Guild.

Hey,do you want to be one of the Cool Kids? Well then, just become a Patron of this blog! Besides being cool, you get sweet compiled Doclopedia posts in the popular PDF format, plus other stuff. You can get in on this for as little as one dollar a month, so click the link and check it out.

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I Have A Very Large Duck

…no, wait…goddamn it, spellcheck!

The Doclopedia #1,387

Potion Ingredients: Ankaski Rainbow Sand

The island of Ankaski lies 700 miles off the coast of the southern Draan Empire. It is 97 miles long and from 5 to 50 miles wide. A tropical island, it is home to many deadly beasts both large and small. The sea around it teams with creature like the Greater Sea Drake, Crab Turtles, Flying Sharks and Bloodkelp. No sailing ship could survive the voyage there, even if by some miracle you found a captain and crew willing to try.

So, how does one get to the volcano at the north end of the island that produces this sand, which is the most expensive potion ingredient in the world?

You fly there.

About one in five expeditions to the island return and all of them used flight to get there and come home. People have used flight belts, trained hippogriffs, skyships, magic carpets and, in one case, an ensorceled young dragon.

Of course, getting the sand means dodging hungry beasts and possibly molten lava, but if you get back home and sell it for upwards of 5,000 gold pieces per ounce to alchemists and wizards who will fight like dogs for it, you’ll swear it was worth the trouble.

Confessions of a Time Traveler

Woodstock

I, along with my wife, assorted friends and dogs, have been to the Woodstock Music and Arts Fair in our universe 6 times. Most of us cannot go again because of the annoying fact that if you are too close to yourself in the past, it is dangerous.

The effects don’t occur until you are within about 100 feet of yourself, but they start with a bad headache. Get a bit closer and you get a blinding headache and a nosebleed. Get closer still and you’ll probably have a stroke and die. So, with 6 of us at Woodstock for 3 days, we’ve just about reached the safe limit. Still, we had a great time every time we went.

Now, I need to qualify that “great time” statement. Unlike most of the attendees, we did not have to stand/walk/camp/have sex in the mud. We had a nice stable wormhole that transported us into the Bus anytime we wanted to eat, sleep, use the bathroom or whatever. The Bus was parked in a wooded area 56 miles from the concert.

The big question people have is why, if there are multiple versions of us there, they don’t see us in a single photo or film footage. Well, the answer is, you do see us! We all used a different android body each time, so we are actually in dozens of photos and shots from the movie.

The second question we get is “How was it?”, and the answer is GREAT! So much incredible music in one spot! On one trip, we even hung out behind the stage and met some of the performers. I killed a bottle of wine with Keith Moon of The Who. My friend Spike had his picture taken with Jimi Hendrix. It was very cool.

The third most asked question is, “Did you fuck around trying to change history?” and the answer is “Of course!”


We replaced the brown acid with windowpane. We changed the weather to sunny and warm all weekend. We made sure that all the equipment worked. We got about 100,000 more folks to the concert, including 15.5 year old me all the way from California. We got Led Zeppelin, Jethro Tull, Bob Dylan, Procul Harum and The Doors to perform. Tried three times to get Frank Zappa there, but he refused each time. We…well, we did a bunch of things that spun off several new realities. It was fun.

So, if you ever get a time machine, I highly recommend going to Woodstock. And if you meet a tall thin white guy with red hair…or a short African American woman wearing a “WEED!” t-shirt…or a chubby kind of nebbishy looking Jewish guy going prematurely bald…or a big Italian biker with a scar across the left side of his face…or an 18 year old blonde hippie girl with silver gogo boots on…or a 25 year old version of me, say hello. They’re all me.

 

The Rare And Beautiful Nervous Bison Of Potawango Island

…they’re a neurotic mess

 

The Doclopedia #1,386

Potion Ingredients: Death Flower Petals

Collecting the petals of Death Flowers is a thing done only by the very strong of will and stomach, since they only take root and bloom in the blood drenched soil of a very large and recent battle.

The seeds of Death Flowers are transported from one battlefield to the next by carrion birds. Once dropped on the bloody soil, the seed germinates within 12 hours. About 48 hours later, the first flowers appear and are pollinated by flies that land on them. By the end of a week, the rotting corpses have feed the flowers well and they will release seeds. For the next few weeks, this cycle repeats.

For those who can stand to do it, collecting Death Flower petals is simple, easy and sure to make money. Both necromancers and druids will pay up to five silvers per ounce for the petals. No special storage is needed, but be sure to not let them dry out.

Murder With A Side Of Hash Browns And A Cup Of Coffee

…black coffee, black as a bad dame’s soul

This Just In: New Patrons Unleash Podcast!

I’d like to welcome Jaym Gates, Bill Reger, Gabriel Gentile and Bruce Harlick to the merry band of folks who support this blog on Patreon. Thank you, folks!

Since their patronage has pushed things past my stated $100.00 a month goal, I will soon start doing a 20 minute weekly podcast, full of strangeness and wonder. I’m shooting for the first episode dropping around September 1st. Stay tuned for more news as the day approaches.

 

 

Hey,do you want to be one of the Cool Kids? Well then, just become a Patron of this blog! Besides being cool, you get sweet compiled Doclopedia posts in the popular PDF format, plus other stuff. You can get in on this for as little as one dollar a month, so click the link and check it out.

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,385

Potion Ingredients: Chimera Dung


When gathering this very useful ingredient, one must get is very fresh. Still steaming, if possible. Naturally, the person or persons doing the gathering should be very adept at stealthy movement, very tough and very fast on their feet. A strong constitution coupled with a poor sense of smell would not be a bad idea, either. The dung, which can weigh up to 5 pounds, should ideally be collected in an unbroken state, but as Hralji the Lame once put it, “Fat chance of that!”. Regardless, it must go into a large jar that has had the interior of both jar and lid coated in beeswax.

Fresh Chimera dung can fetch prices as high as 100 gold pieces per pound and has a ready market in most large cities. It is a key ingredient in potions such as Dual Form, Fire Breath and Protection Against Minor Undead.

Chapter 134: In Which Our Hero, Forced To Wear A Suit Made Of Feathers, Must Free Young Kate From The French

…and she’s allergic to feathers

The Doclopedia #1,383

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Cat Tree

Why give your cats some plywood and shag carpet monstrosity to play/sleep on when you can give them an actual, living, cat tree? Thanks yo modern genetic manipulation, these 7 foot tall trees grow very well indoors and have plenty of wide horizontal branches for kitty to lounge on. The trunk of the tree naturally develops hollows that cats can hide in! The tree also gives off a lovely scent that both cats and humans enjoy. Best of all, it sheds very few leaves each year, making clean up a breeze! Available at pet megastores and garden stores everywhere. Only $59.95 and it comes with a 5 year guarantee!

The Doclopedia #1,384

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Egg Slicer

Be truthful, have you ever tried to slice any egg larger than a chicken egg in an egg slicer? You can’t do it! But with this new adjustable egg slicer, you can slice duck eggs, turkey eggs, goose eggs, ostrich eggs, even Triceratops eggs! Just adjust the holding tray, then bring down the custom titanium wire slicer and BINGO, perfectly sliced eggs every time! Available everywhere for only $22.50!

We’ve Got Minks In The Pickle Barrel!

…GODDAMNIT! A whole barrel of pickles, ruined!

The Doclopedia #1,381

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Melon Baller

If you like sports, then you need a melon baller! Just place any melon into it, select the type of ball you want and press the button. In just2 to 4 minutes the outside of any melon can look like any ball, from a golf ball to a basketball. Great for those game day tailgate parties! $29.99 at most stores. Buy one this month and get the Autographer attachment, normally $19.95. for only $10.00!

The Doclopedia #1,382

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Allen Wrench

No matter if Allen is your first, last or middle name, this wrench is made for you! Using special Allen specific nanotech, this fully adjustable wrench will last a lifetime and look great doing it. And it’s only $15.00! We also have William, Robert, James, Peter, Richard and Paul wrenches for sale.

The Secret Origin Of Ian Skinner!

…one of my Patreon backers!

 

The Doclopedia #1,379

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Ice Cream Scoop

Do you love ice cream? I mean, REALLY love ice cream? Well an ice cream scoop is just what you need! This device will keep you up to date with the latest ice cream news. New flavor invented somewhere? Favorite ice cream shop having a sale? Famous celebrity declares their favorite flavor? This little gadget will give you the scoop on all that news as soon as it happens! Under $25.00 in most stores. Requires internet connection.

The Doclopedia #1,380

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Bread Box

Now you can stash your money and other valuables where no thief would ever look for them: in a moldy stale loaf of bread! Or at least a box made to LOOK that way. This quality stash box is made to resemble a large unsliced loaf of bread that has gone hard and has some greenish mold on it. No burglar in his right mind would touch it! Be safe and secure with a bread box! $19.99. includes plastic storage bag. Also available in sourdough round or French loaf.