Stark Trek

…damn it, Tony!

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The Doclopedia #2,127

That Time We Did That Thing: In The Forest

By Kevin Rice

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It was 1377 AD, the place The Ardennes Forest.

HQ had gotten word that Time Anarchists were headed to here and now to do SOMETHING. The Time Corps had assigned me to stop them. In typical fashion they dropped me in zone with no back up, little Intel and no idea what exactly I had to stop.

I made my way to a nearby village, reactivating my language chip to make sure I could speak French with a regional accent and time appropriate idioms. I hate the damn thing, after the mission I’d have a migraine for 3 days, but you can’t do the job without it.

It was a market day, and the locals were abuzz about strange events in the forest, up to and including sightings of Werewolves practicing unholy magic. A quick side note on Time Anarchists: most of them are a strain of Lupine sentient who evolved after a nuclear war on a divergent timeline, and they spend a lot of time trying to trigger their evolution earlier.

So, great. Huge, powerful Dog-men in the forest, up to no good….and they were already up to their shenanigans.

I continued to surveil the village. And that’s when I get a HELL of a surprise. My nano-flies detected two apparent locals speaking Galactic 2. Yeah, not normal … I casually walked up and whispered in Galactic 3, ‘we need to talk, meet me by the barn.’

The female said to the male, “Busted, Daddy.”

Long story short, turned out to be Doc Cross and his Daughter/Dog (Honestly, no clue) Dr. Sasha Cross. And they were here for the same reason I was. Something about this event had triggered their warning systems.

Even longer story short: the Time Anarchists knew that all of WWII was surrounded by the harshest of Time Quarantine measures, but it was their primary objective to have it end in nuclear flames. Turns out that they were trying to bury a series of heavily shielded anti-tank weapons. Looking to change the outcome of the tank battle in the forest.

Let me just say that I thought that *I* didn’t like the Time Anarchists, but Dr. Sasha Cross, well, I still shudder thinking about what she did to those abominations.

Of course I left them out of my official report, but I’ll never forget them.

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The Doclopedia #2,128

That Time We Did That Thing: Driving Down Interstate 5

By Drew Sanderson

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The comic book and me were hauling down I-5, not looking for adventure and whatever came our way. We were supposed to be on a beach drinking beers colder than my ex’s heart, but fate had other plans.

Fate and Harvey, currently sunbaking on the roof, catching more bugs than rays. I was tempted to unhook the 20-footer, and watch him and it disappear into the distance. He’d probably just show up again in six months time with an even shittier favor to ask. Like this one.

Harvey (or Frank, Bugs or Roger as the comic book referred to him, depending on the level of blood in his chemical stream), was an uncommon-common crook; he was nothing special, but managed to attract interesting scams like a fresh bee turd attracted flies. It’d be funny if I wasn’t one of the flies that kept getting caught up. And the comic book? I’ve no idea why he showed up; either the thrill, or the chance to escape his Dolly Parton life; it wasn’t the money.

Just do it,” the comic book, shaking what could’ve been a Camel from his pack and sparking it with a one-handed Zippo trick.

“Wha-at?” Maybe the comic book was wearing off on me, or his chemicals that filled the cab. It’s not like he could read minds.

“Billboard. ‘Just do it.’ Like us with Caerbannog up there. Just fucking do it. Put some tunes on. I’m not a fucking mind reader.”

“Wha-at?” I looked at the comic book, and to the wing mirror for a billboard. Harvey filled the mirror and I hopped into the middle of the cab as he swung inside; I looked for the best way to disguise my need to change my shorts.

The fuck we doing on 99?”

“Wha-at?”

Harvey jerked on the wheel and we plowed off into E 8th, and I jumped to the other side of him. Comic book switched his Camel-not-Camel to the other side of his face, and jerked the wheel to straighten us up.

Harvey and the comic book proceeded to yank, pull, tug, and otherwise hurtle us down streets, side streets, and other roads where either or both of them should’ve been watching the road. My pants were fuller of shit than a politician at poll time. I had only one option. Duck and roll, amigo. Not sure if I screamed as I hit or was too busy trying to catch glimpses of my life as it flashed by.

I didn’t catch many glimpses, but got a lot of gravel. The last thing I saw before my head hit pavement was the truck hitting a building.

My eyes flickered back open and my head tried not to explode. The truck was gone, but the 20-footer was still there. I stumbled, trying to make out the letters scrawled on the side.

‘National Yo-Yo Museum’.

I laughed, hard, and farted like a small dog barking. Comic book.

 

Handsome Joe Has A Party

…and there is cake

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The Doclopedia #2,125

A Short Lecture: Your Vacation Destination

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Now, before we get into this whole vacation selection process, you’ll need to decide where you want to go and what sort of vacation you want. This is a decision not lightly made, should your spouse and/or children give you the chance to make it.

Some people enjoy a nice vacation at a beachfront resort, where everything is included in one price that is made up of many smaller prices. Some resorts are “all inclusive”, which means that your meals, drinks, entertainment, room and sand in every body crevice are covered by one price. Often, this is a rather high price, so I strongly suggest getting your money’s worth at the bar.

Camping in the great outdoors is a much less expensive venture, once you pay for tents, sleeping bags, camp stoves and the 300 other things that help you go “roughing it.” These expenses are offset by the fresh air and exercise you’ll get while swimming, hiking, fishing and running for your life from the local wildlife. I always try to bring a friend along that I know I can outrun, just for that wildlife situation.

Another beloved American vacation is the long automobile trip across the country. Those of you without children have no idea what you are missing when one takes a trip in a loaded down station wagon with several kids, all of whom declare firm demarcations as to their part of the seating arrangement before all out war takes place. A fascinating side note is that once the car begins to move, all children develop weak bladders and the ability to not understand the phrase “not yet” in regards to the question “are we there yet”.

For those poor souls without children, a vacation in the big city is often fun. Staying in a fancy hotel and going out to dinner and perhaps a show every night is wonderful and even educational. For example, you will learn that theater tickets cost only slightly less that your car did and a room service cheese sandwich runs about the same as the steak dinner you had the other night.

In recent years, the “staycation” has become popular and I cannot recommend it highly enough. You simply stay home, enjoy life and save money. You can go out to eat in local restaurants that you know are not run by some sort of bandits and if you want to pop into your local saloon for a reasonably priced drink, do so! Yes, the staycation is the best sort of vacation, particularly if your children are away at camp.

Good day.

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The Doclopedia #2,126

A Short Lecture: What To Have For Dinner

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When people are trying to decide what to have for dinner, they often ask me for suggestions. My first suggestion is usually “enough to share with me.” This does not seem to sit well with some people who most likely had no intention of sharing their dinner, so let’s just forget them. Greedy selfish rascals, every one of them.

Part of the decision as to what to have for dinner is often based upon dietary needs or cost of ingredients or whatever is left over in the fridge, but not that thing covered in mold way in the back. You might also want to be a bit leery of things on the lowest shelf, too. It’s a bad neighborhood.

Of course, once you decide on the main course, then you need to choose the side dishes and perhaps a dessert. You can’t just grab whatever you see! Besides that sort of thinking leading to meals of meatloaf and oatmeal or pork chops and spaghetti or some even worse combos, thinking that way is the first step toward Communism and worse! Before you know it, you’re clutching a little red book, quoting Mao and doing so while eating leftover cod and a bowl of tortilla chips! You certainly don’t want that.

No, I say it’s best to leave this whole dinner thing to decent Americans who prepare decent non-Communist American food. Just order out and be done with it.

Good day.

Mexican Jenny Goes To War

…against the neighbor’s crowing rooster

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The Doclopedia #2,123

A Short Lecture: Why A Dog?

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To get right into it, why not a dog? Are you some sort of dog hater? Do you have an allergy, or perhaps a fear of dogs? For that matter, do dogs like you? If so, you might want to seriously look at your lifestyle choices, since it is well known in these parts, and even in those parts over there, that dogs are sterling judges of human nature. Yes, a dog will let you know who is on the up and up and who you ought to avoid.

But back to the question of why a dog and not, say, why a monkey, or why a chicken. Of course, if you are an organ grinder or somebody looking to fry up Sunday dinner, you might well not give much thought to dogs, but I guarantee you that dogs will give much thought to that chicken dinner if you don’t keep an eye on it.

Of course, we could be discussing how a dog, although that might get too general for this lecture, as would where a dog, because dogs seem to be just about everywhere but public office, and I dare say they’d do a better job if they were.

When a dog is just too personal a topic for this lecture, especially for the dogs. Unlike the dog haters we seem to have here, I flatly refuse to delve into the personal life of dogs.

So, in conclusion, to those narrow minded dog haters sitting here thinking about their Sunday chicken dinner and their odds of becoming a successful organ grinder, I can only say, why not a dog?

Good day.
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The Doclopedia #2,124

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A Short Lecture: What To Do About Taxes

Now, in case some of you are hard of hearing or seated way in the back, this lecture is What To Do About Taxes, not What To Do About Texas. That would be a much longer lecture and, really, nobody has a clue as to what to do about Texas, most notably the Texans. I might suggest that they give most of it back to Mexico, with the rest going to Oklahoma, but Texans seem to bristle at that and a bristly Texan is an ugly thing to see, ladies and gentlemen.

No, we are here to discuss taxes, an important subject. In fact, being subject to taxes is something that you find everywhere. Income tax, sales tax, land tax, highway tax, business tax, thumb tax, even taxi tax! Why, I’d say you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a tax, but there might be a dead cat tax, a swinging tax or both. Besides, what were you thinking swinging that dead cat anyway? Try that with a live one and you’ll be getting stitches and, for all I know, a stitch tax.

Of course, if you refuse to pay taxes, the government will come after you, which might not be so bad if you can stay one jump ahead of them. Five or six jumps would be better, but some of us are built for onely a single jump at a time, or maybe two on Saturday if there is a matinee. Just remember that if the government catches you, they’ll send you to prison, which, come to think of it, is a place where nobody pays any taxes.

So in closing, perhaps we all ought to just go to prison and then see what the government does about taxes.

Good day.

A Slick New Look!

…just not here

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The Doclopedia #2,120

When Lulu Spilled Her Purse: The Emergency Panties Emergency

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At the tender age of 16, young Max Walker had very little up close experience with women or their panties. Not that he was bad looking, he wasn’t. It was mostly his shyness and geeky way that had kept him from dating much, let along doing anything that would end up with panties on his face. The fact that, despite being a dangerous klutz, Lulu was quite beautiful, did not exactly cause Max to go into Smooth Dude mode.

He barely retained enough wits to hand her back her Emergency panties, which happened to be black, lacy and very small. As he did, he saw from the corner of his eye Melody Profky coming out of Tates Stationary. She saw him and was looking at his interaction with Lulu.

Oddly, both of them were ignoring the mounting chaos going on around them.

“Oh, thank you so much for everything! I thought I had lost them,” Lulu said in a somewhat breathless voice. “You are just wonderful!” Then she gave Max a big hug and a kiss, because Lulu was just that sort of person.

As Lulu then started off down the street after more of her stuff, Max had the presence of mind to say, “Always glad to help a lady in need.”

A few feet away, Melody began to think that maybe there was more to Max than met the eye. She also began thinking that maybe a nice guy like Max might be the one to help her explore the more intimate aspects of boy/girl relations.

So it was that, after a bit of small talk and dodging three cops chasing a small kid riding a goat, she mentioned to Max that she was going to be home all alone and maybe he’d like to stop by for a visit.

Max, though being a nerdy fellow, was no dummy, so he told her yes and got her address. She said she would see him in 30 minutes.

As he watched her walk away while dodging a runaway fruit cart, a bunch of kids & winos & dogs, and more cops, it suddenly dawned on him that he had no condoms. He would have to get to Akbar’s Pharmacy fast!

Taking off down 15th Street at a dead run, as quite a few people seemed to be doing, Max dodged or leaped over assorted fights, arrests, huddled frightened people, assorted animals and several police & firefighters. Off to his right, he noticed a bunch of people tripping and falling on Willow Avenue, but he was in too big a hurry to investigate.

As he rounded the corner to Oak Street, he saw a group of SCA members, in full armor and carrying their weapons, being chased by a bunch of ladies in red hats and an ice cream truck. He made a mental note to ask D’Andre Blake, a member of the SCA, about all that.

As he ran toward the pharmacy, he accidentally brushed up against Mr Loofinger, who was riding a bike and trying to outrun an angry pig. Max kept on running and therefore did not see Mr Loofinger wreck his bike and land on the hood of Mary Joffencarp’s car.

Mary, a nervous woman of 40 who often told folks that the commies wanted to abduct her for breeding stock, panicked as a strange and no doubt communist man leaped onto her car, obviously intent on hauling her away to Siberia. That explains why she stomped on the gas and flew down Oak Street with a yelling Mr Loofinger on her hood and two motorcycle cops and a pig in hot pursuit. The pursuit was short due to Mary colliding with a runaway fruit cart, sending Mr Loofinger into a mass of grapes, melons, plums and bananas. About a minute later, the pig arrived and began attacking him as the police dragged a very defensive and loud Mary from her car.

Meanwhile, Max dodged a burning scarecrow on a skateboard and a group of Cub Scouts in a stolen pickup as he arrived at the pharmacy. Despite being nervous about buying a pack of condoms, Max was back on the street and at Melody’s doorstep in record time, despite having to step aside for a cattle stampede.

What transpired for Max & Melody I will leave to your imaginations, but back on 15th & Willow, Lulu had spilled breath mints all over.

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The Doclopedia #2,121

When Lulu Spilled Her Purse: The Breath Mint Massacre

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By far the largest and most dangerous thing in Lulu’s purse, at least on the day in question, was her one quart zip lock bag of breath mints.

Now, these were not your ordinary breath mints, no sir. These mints are made over in Spankerville by the Deffing Candy Company and they are expensive, but worth it.

About the size of an ordinary marble, these very hard candies look and eat more like jawbreakers. Each fruity/minty layer takes a good 10 or 15 minutes to through and there are about 40 layers in each one. Every layer has a different flavor mix and one mint will last you several hours.

Lulu had about 200 of the mints in her purse and was quite dismayed as they rolled out into the intersection of 15th & Willow. Not as dismayed as the humans, animals and drivers of smaller vehicles would be in a few seconds, but pretty dismayed all the same. That was about thirty bucks worth of mints lost.

Having picked up her hankie, which was the final spilled item, then looked around at all the chaos, Lulu started walking home via Jones Street, which was pretty free of chaos, with the exception of Mr Warf and Mr Plumquist arguing about whether this was a sign of the End Times or if everyone in town but them had gone crazy from that legalized reefer.

Back at the intersection which was now a veritable minty minefield, people were falling, animals were falling (including a herd of dairy cows) and three subcompact cars had skidded off the road, one of then driving through the new glass doors on the police station.

Bill Heffer slipped, fell and threw his big cup of soda on Officer Yambo, causing her to step on the foot of a large alley cat, who then clawed up the officer pretty well.

A mixed gang of kids and goats fell & slid right into Iskinoff’s Fine Glassware and Yuri Iskinoff will probably be crying and cursing about that for weeks.


Mr Loofinger, covered in fruit pulp and pig bites, was running up the street trying to get away from swarms of bees and flies when he slipped and fell right on top of the pig that had attacked him earlier. From there, things went even worse for Mr Loofinger

About 15 minutes later, the Sheriff’s Department, the State Police and the National Guard arrived, cordoned off downtown and began sorting things out. They let the last person go home around two in the morning.

They never did figure out what had started the Great Forlyburg Riot of 2009.

Three days later, the new purse Lulu had ordered online arrived. She was very pleased with it.

Rat Town

…it’s cheesy

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The Doclopedia #2,118

When Lulu Spilled Her Purse: The Lipstick Panic

If there was one thing you could count on Lulu Smelm to be, it was clumsy. This was a young woman who, by the time she was 13, had walked into 9 different glass doors, fallen down 7 different stairways and caught her nose in 4 different car windows. Fortunately, Lulu was pretty resilient and a rapid healer. Unfortunately, many times, her accidents had a way of growing into larger events and involving other people.

So it was on August 11th, 1990, when Lulu spilled her purse on the corner of 15th Street and Willow Avenue at high noon during the very start of the lunch hour rush.

Several items spilled from her purse, but the first one we’ll focus on is her Cherry Passion lipstick. As Lulu bent to pick things up, a fast walking businessman, Mr Henry Barstflartle, stepped on it and fell backwards into several other people. They all fell backward onto the sidewalk.

The lipstick, propelled by Henry’s foot, flew into the air, bounced off a light pole and into the parked car of Mr & Mrs Denmont, who were just crossing the street to get into said car after having a very tense session with their marriage counselor.

Now, Clara Denmont was a large and emotional woman, with her main emotions being anger and jealousy. Getting into her husband’s car and seeing a strange lipstick on the floor turned both of those emotions up to about 15. She grabbed up the offending lipstick and demanded that Eustace tell her what little tramp had lost it. Eustace, being a pretty angry fellow in his own right, told her he didn’t know what she was talking about and maybe she should shut the hell up.

About 2 seconds later, there was a full on knock down drag out fight going on in the Denmont car, which caught the eye of Officer Reyes as he drove by. Actually, the lipstick also caught his eye because Clara threw it out of their car.

Suddenly getting hit in the eye caused Officer Reyes to slam on his breaks, resulting in a rear end collision. Actually, it was a chain reaction of 8 rear end collisions. Getting out of his car, Officer Reyes called for backup because of the traffic pile up and what looked like a drunken brawl on the sidewalk and an officer assault/double attempted homicide in a car.

Back on the sidewalk, people were trying to get up after falling down earlier. As the last one stood up, they saw about 6 cop cars and 10 police on foot running toward them. Combine that with the crashing of cars and the Denmont’s screaming and they thought there was a violent riot going on, so they ran.

Within a few seconds, there were about 100 people running down Willow Avenue, with several cops in pursuit. Back at the rear enders, there was a lot of cursing. At the Denmont’s car, it took 5 officers to pry Clara & Eustace apart and arrest them.

Meanwhile, Lulu was looking for her coin purse.

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The Doclopedia #2,119

When Lulu Spilled Her Purse: The Coinpurse Chaos

Having picked up a couple of things that fell out of her purse, Lulu saw her coin purse a couple of feet away. Reaching for it, she managed to stumble forward and head butt old Father Milligan right in the crotch, racking his balls. This caused him to cry out a very bad word that did not go unheard by the 7 parish boys that had been following him to the church for choir practice. Nor did they fail to notice that two silver dollars fell out of Lulu’s coin purse and were rolling down the sidewalk toward a bunch of Baptist boys on the corner by the comic shop.

Running to save the money from their non-Catholic rivals, the boys started yelling at the others to leave the money alone. That caused them to yell back to fuck off and before you know it, a big fight was going on.

This fight caused a couple of cops to come running, which caused the boys to run into the comic shop to head out the back door. Their yells of “Look out, COPS!” caused about half the comic geeks to join them. As they ran down the alley behind the comic shop, they were joined by about 3 winos, 5 dogs and crazy old Mrs Trotwiffle, who started yelling that the aliens had landed.

A few seconds later, when they all poured out onto Oak Street, they caused 3 more traffic accidents and a couple of dog bites.

Back at Lulu’s location, Father Milligan was doing better and rushed off to find the boys. A nice young teenager picked up the two silver dollars and took them back to Lulu, who was thanking him profusely when a big gust of wind picked up her Emergency Panties and blew them right onto the teenager’s face.

The Unfortunate Pasta Incident

…don’t ask about it, ever.

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The Doclopedia #2,116

A Fist Full Of McGuffins: The Mask Of Satan

Who is the villain that wears the Mask of Satan? Is it a mad Cult Leader obsessed with awaking ancient dread gods using the terrible mask and the powers of darkness?

Perhaps he’s an Agent of a Foreign Government, bent on destroying our country by using crimes to fund his vile program. Is the mask a symbol of his country?

Could he be a Criminal Mastermind, fattening his coffers with loot obtained when the Dust of Satan turns ordinary people into savages?

Maybe a Mad Scientist, using the Dust of Satan and the chilling powers of the mask to set the stage for some greater act of Forbidden Science?

Is the villain even a man? Could it be a woman, or perhaps even…Satan himself?

Only you and your crew of daring Champions of Good can solve this case!

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The Doclopedia #2,117

A Fist Full Of McGuffins: The Crystal Hand

Can it be true? Has the location of the Crystal Hand, the last surviving relic of the Ancient Martian civilization, actually been rediscovered after being lost for 200 years?

If it has, a half dozen teams will be going after it, from red dust outlaws to legitimate exoarchaelogists and shady dealers in antiquities. They come from Earth, Luna and all points in the solar system to search for it. Things will get very dangerous, very fast. If the competition doesn’t get you, Mars itself will.

If you’re ready to deal with former lovers, rookie assistants, suspicious Planetary Marshalls and plain old crooks…AND if you can keep your wits about you, you may just find the Glass Hand.

It’s All Fun & Games Until You Miss The Boat

…then you have to steal a boat to get to the boat

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The Doclopedia #2,114

A Fist Full Of McGuffins: The Kraken Program

What is the Kraken Program? Why do all the TopCorps want it? Why are the Doomsday Kids sending hackers after it on the net and musclegirls after it on the streets? Are the Chinese after it? What about the Kali Komp AI out of Mumbai? Fuck man, is there anybody not after it?

Whatever, you have a piece of it. Maybe a key. You don’t know, but you need to find somebody you can trust ASAP.

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The Doclopedia #2,115

A Fist Full Of McGuffins: The Black Tiara

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Adventure! You’ve sought it all your life and now the King has chosen you to go on an important mission, a mission that could save the world from the Demon Queen of Tar Malevol.

Now, you and your assembled party must seek out the legendary Black Tiara, which holds the Demon Queen’s sole. At least that’s what Elvish legends say.

You’ll be traveling halfway around the world and passing through lands unknown, meeting peoples and creatures that you’ve never dreamed of.

Off now you go, for your King and All That Is Good!

Ice Dice

…are nice dice

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The Doclopedia #2,112

A Fist Full Of McGuffins: The Wexler Formula

The Wexler Formula is vital to the Space Program and everyone wants it. The Russians and Chinese are both after it, but so is Dr. Von Ruger, Wexler’s rival and not so reformed Nazi scientist. In fact, it was probably him that killed Wexler a few minutes after he gave the formula to you. Wexler told you to get the formula to General Gavin at the Pentagon, but that’s a long way from San Diego. You’ve got to leave now and you have no idea who to trust. All you can do is jump in your car and drive. GO!

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The Doclopedia #2,113

A Fist Full Of McGuffins: The French Horse

Everyone gathered here at Worsley Castle to spend a few days and see Viscount Worsley unveil his newest historical treasure, the French Horse. The Horse was indeed a great work of art, all gold and onyx with jewels. Last night, you saw many emotions pass over the assembled faces when it was revealed.

Colonel Briggs looked at it with unmistakable anger, as did Lady Patricia. Could this have something to do with her father’s death in the Great War?

Young Lord Allanby-Pratt was certainly sad for a moment, nearly to tears. Why?

The Delacourts, Allain & Louise, were filled with greed, as was Mr. Collings, the art dealer from Leeds. Were they thinking of buying it? It seems very unlikely that Worsley will sell it.

Why would Father Mulroney show shock and fear upon seeing the horse? Some Catholic legend?

And then there was the smiles you saw cross the faces of both Lawton, the butler and young Miss Worsley, the Viscount’s sister? What could be up there?

And then, this morning, Allain Delacourt is found dead, stabbed through the heart with a knife as yet unfound! Now you need to solve this mystery before the police arrive to muck things up!

Dr. Silkmelon And Mister Porkwaffle Meet The Queen

…as opposed to meeting a queen

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The Doclopedia #2,109

Guest Authors Write Warning Labels: Auntie Lizzie’s Ghoulash

By Avis Crane

Product Warning Label

Auntie Lizzie’s Ghoulash is a tasty stew in the traditional Hungarian style, made with only the best, well-aged locally-sourced ghouls!

Please observe the following preparation notes for your safe consumption!

The Ghoulash must be heated to exactly 350° F. for 30 minutes before it can be successful eaten. There is only a 5° plus or minus margin on this, so be sure you have an accurate fast-read thermometer (see Auntie Lizzie’s website for her top-quality thermometer – on sale today for only $39.95!).

Eating underheated Ghoulash will cause you to be haunted for eternity by all the souls that the ghoul had previously consumed.

Eating overheated Ghoulash will cause you to be turned into the ghoul itself.

So prepare properly, and join the ranks of the slowly growing list of adventurous gourmets who have eaten Auntie Lizzie’s Ghoulash safely and soul-intact! Happy eating!

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The Doclopedia #2,110

I Write A Warning Label, Because I Only Got 5 From Guest Authors : Super Coconut

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Thank you for buying Super Coconut, from Demise Agro Products.

1: To crack open super coconut without losing the delicious juice, we suggest using either a power drill or a laser.

2: To roast the meat of Super Coconut, use a 350 degree over for about 20 minutes. Do NOT use a flamethrower or blowtorch.


3: Do not use Super Coconut as a bowling ball, exercise tool or pet.

4: Under no circumstances must you EVER mix the lime with Super Coconut! Jesus, it’s dangerous enough with a regular coconut!

High Speed Internut

…blindingly fast!

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The Doclopedia #2,107

Guest Authors Write Warning Labels: Robot Tree Trimmer

By William Reger

WARNING!

Do not attempt to alter, adjust, tamper, or remove the Robot Tree Trimmer restraint chip. No matter what it says, it does not meet the requirements to be considered a sapient creature.

 

Always have your remote control on/off control box handy and with a full battery while monitoring the Robot Tree Trimmer. This will allow you to control the actions of the Robot while keeping a safe distance.

 

Do not operate the Robot Tree Trimmer near anything, or anyone, not needing trimming. Keep pets, children, and other loved ones in a protected space well out of sensor range of the device.

 

Always monitor the Robot Tree Trimmer while it is working. While it is quite capable of understanding instructions, vague statements such as, “Trim up the view” is likely to result in a clear-cut of all tree, shrubs, wood playsets, or other framed, or standing, items in line of sight of your home.

 

Do not approach the Robot Tree Trimmer while it is in operation! Always ensure the Robot Tree Trimmer is OFF. Luckily, you will likely only make this mistake once.

 

The Robot Tree Trimmer is not a guard accessory for your property! Do not “sic” the Robot Tree Trimmer on intruders. The units are not fully sealed and certain fluids can interfere with the restraint chip.

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The Doclopedia #2,108

Guest Authors Write Warning Labels: Z-9 JetPack

By Ron Wm. Hurlbut

 

Congratulations on your acquisition of the completely new and improved Avro Z-9 Jetpack!

Much more jet is now packed into this latest version!

WARNING: Due to the highly sensitive high level clearance required to obtain and operate this proprietary military grade equipment the may, or may not apply:

On take-off you are required to count to ten backwards from three

Shake well before using

Keep hands, feet and other appendages clear of intake, exhaust and

propulsion manifolds

Wear appropriate Personal Protection Equipment

Do not operate while under the influence

Do not under any circumstance flatulate while operating this device

Nose bleeds may result from high altitudes: Wear nose plugs (included) to avoid bleeding on highly sensitive navigational apparatus

Do not navigate over large bodies of open water

Stay clear of high tension lines

Operating at high altitude may result in the following symptoms: Changes in the color of your skin, confusion, cough, fast heart rate, rapid breathing, shortness of breath, slow heart rate, sweating, wheezing, euphoria and death

Do not point nozzles directly at your eyes

The ringing in your ears may or may not be permanent

Ensure that all straps are firmly in place and secured around your personage

Especially that one

Avoid contact with other airborne and/or land borne objects

Not to be used over active volcanoes

Ensure all personal objects are secured

Do not ingest fuel

Consult a mortician if gums or bowels do not stop bleeding

Operate this side up at all times

May induce vomiting

Stand clear of hazard areas

Explosively flammable and inflammable at the same time

Hot surface: Do not touch

May cause frostbite

Erectile dysfunction is a known side effect

May the saints bless you

Cats Playing Cards, Bunnies Shooting Craps, Dogs Playing Keno

…it’s casino night!

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The Doclopedia #2,104

Guest Authors Write Warning Labels: Inflatable Armor

By Kevin Rice

Inflatable Armor ™ is fun for the whole family! It makes you bounce like a ball! It protects you from falls! The kids love it!

 

WARNING: Inflatable Armor ™ offers no protection from harm! Do not wear Inflatable Armor ™ if you reasonably expect to fall down or otherwise encounter an impact.

 

Under no circumstances should children be allowed to play with, touch or in any way experience Inflatable Armor ™ . Children exposed to Inflatable Armor ™ , may experience swelling, become lighter than air and explode as they enter the upper atmosphere.

 

Adults wearing Inflable Armor ™ may experience increased flatulence for up to two weeks after removing Inflatable Armor ™ and should beware of open flames due to the percentage of hydrogen on this flatulence. The wearer may also experience voice changes and an inexplicable feeling of lightness. If experiencing feelings of lightness get indoors immediately and anchor yourself to a heavy object. Please see children’s warning above.

 

If Inflable Armor ™ is punctured while worn then Blammo, Inc. is not responsible for the resultant propulsive force generated, any possible explosions or property loss due to fire.

 

Everyone here at Blammo, Inc. hopes you enjoy your Inflatable Armor ™ !

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The Doclopedia #2,106

Guest Authors Write Warning Labels: STEAM POWERED DOG

By Quentin Long

Greetings to enjoined the FUELSAVER® family! With abundant caution, your FUELSAVER STEAM POWERED DOG™ must yield trillions of yoctoseconds of unbearable fun for all living relatives! To be follow simplistic rulings will harvest extreme diversion unto Allan Sundries:

Remove for walking STEAM POWERED DOG in daily recursion of 30-90 minutes

In case of STEAM POWERED DOG™ exhibits unwarranted sadness, reserve 10% DISCOUNT PURCHASING PRICE of alternative STEAM POWERED DOG™ for emotionless support structions

DO NOT emplace inorganic solids within FEEDING OF BURNER

DO NOT adjust intensity dial of SIMULATED LASER BARK SIMULATOR™ beyond altitude of 1 2

Maintain hotbox temperature of not greatly less than 1,000° RANKINE for all time to come

Insure comparable ABSENCE OF BLOCKAGE of steam ventricle, exception of desired explosive unblockage

Carefully exercise taunting of STEAM POWERED DOG™

STEAM POWERED DOG™ loves FUELSAVER®. STEAM POWERED DOG™ loves you. STEAM POWERED DOG™ has heart of incandescence for everything and everyone at everywhere in everywhen

IMPORTANT: FUELSAVER® is parental company not responsible for damage to dignity, property, lives, limb, organ, healthful, banking operation, ontological presupposition, which may or may not have been inflicts by unproperly operatored STEAM POWERED DOG™

The Seeing The Light At The End Of The Tunnel, But Still Cheerily Running Toward Danger Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Atomic Burp

…co-starring her long lost Uncle Otis Q. Spackleworth

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The Doclopedia #2,103

The Minorka Story: In Which The OTHER Minorkas Taste The Strangeness

It’s been 2 weeks since Horace & Minnie Minorka left for Florida and I’m told that they are now in Gainesville and doing well in their new home.

Walt & Debbie, the NEW Minorkas in our neighborhood, have already either pissed off or alienated about half the neighborhood. Mostly this happened because Walt is a typical Trump supporter and Debbie is a nutcase full of “useful information” that nobody wants to hear. Their next door neighbor, Jeff O’Malley, a pretty right leaning guy himself, told me that “these two are beginning to make me miss Horace & Minnie.” That right there is saying something, since he threw a big party when they left.

Four days ago, Walt laughed at Grace as she was wearing a mask while walking Sasha. Unfortunately for him, Grace was carrying her wand, so she hit him with a Stupify spell and kept on walking. Later, Sasha snuck back and hit him with a dose of medication resistant jock itch and impotence.

But, of course, our family does nothing by halves, so we began to pile on the strangeness. First off, we started hitting them with robocalls from the “Democratic National Congress”, “Nancy Pelosi For Vice President” and “The George Soros Project”. We made sure these calls only came when Walt was home. At one point, he got so mad he threw his cell phone out the door and onto the street where Officer Hank ran over it.

For Debbie, we had her see several adverts online for expensive vitamins and organic plant alternatives for everything from her desire to look younger than she is to Walt’s recent loss of a working weenie. It took her less than 12 hours to rack up a 700 dollar bill. We shipped her a bunch of random vitamins that we bought at Target. When Walt found out how much she had spent, he went ballistic, but he still took the male enhancement pills.

We also stoked Walt’s paranoia by having him see some small drones with cameras. He really began freaking out about that. Then we had a black helicopter fly over their house. That night, we had two guys in a car (Brownie & I) drive by and take pictures.

As of today, Debbie has become a member of a Facebook group that advocates yoga as a way to speak with “ancient entities”. Tomorrow, one of them will speak to her.

This is turning out to be fun!

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The Doclopedia #2,104

The Minorka Story : In Which Our Neighborhood Becomes Minorka Free

On our evening walk a few days ago, Sasha and I were passing by the house that used to belong to Mr & Mrs Minorka when we saw the teenage daughter out front sitting in her car.

Me: Hi, Jen.

Jen: Hi, Mr Cross. Hi, Sasha.

Me: Wassup, Jen?

Jen: I think we’re going to move again. MAGADAD is convinced that George Soros or Obama or Antifa is spying on us and gonna come take his guns or make us all gay or some shit.

Me: What the hell set him off?

Jen: Who knows? All I know is that he’s been buying tons of jock itch meds and I think he’s not doing right by Mom in the sack. Of course, she’s freaking out that the global vaccine monopoly is sneaking vaccine into our food. She was told that by some ancient ghost or some alien or something. Oh, and they both swore that one night coming home from some Trump Supporter meeting, they saw Jerry Brown in the front yard. He was holding a raccoon.

Me: Jesus, they are losing it, aren’t they.

Jen: Yeah, for sure. Not sure where they think we’ll move to. They spent all the savings fixing up this house and buying goofy vitamins and conspiracy books and donating to the Orange Dickwad. I’m thinking I might load up my sibs and take them to my grandparent’s house in Marin county.

Me: Probably a good idea, but leave an obvious clue that you went somewhere else, to throw them off. Maybe back east.

Jen: Great idea. My aunt & uncle live in Austin, Texas. My dad calls Austin a comminst hippie hellhole and my aunt & uncle call Dad a Trump humping tool. Yeah, I’ll make them think we went there.

Yesterday, Walt & Debbie came home and found a note from Jen saying she had loaded up her sibs and grabbed the emergency money from the cookie jar. Today, they announced that they were heading to Texas and told a realator to sell the house ASAP.

So now our neighborhood is Minorka free.

Mr. Sort Of Wrong

…but also sort of right

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The Doclopedia #2,101

The Minorka Story: In Which Mr. Minorka Shuts Out The World, But Not His Wife

Our Story Thus Far: After spending a couple of nights in jail (Mr Minorka) and a couple of nights under psychiatric evaluation (Mrs Minorka), they were allowed to come home.

Our court system being so clogged with cases, Horace got a fast hearing in night court, where he was issued a pretty stiff fine and told to pay damages. He also has to attend 6 weeks of anger management classes.

Minnie was given a whole bunch of medication and a therapist who would visit her at home twice a week. Her first day home, her pastor, a nice old guy that she had been looking at with doubt after the Alien Bigfoot Jesus incident, came by for a visit. Sadly, Minnie was too whacked out on drugs to hear the word of Regular Human Jesus.

I’ll finish this recap by saying both Minorkas were also “strongly advised” by the police to stay at home unless there was an emergency.

So that’s why, just three days ago, Ol’ Horace had some guys come and put up an 8 foot tall fence around his property, install security cameras, put out livetraps for “god damned cats and raccoons”, and deliver about a month or more amount of groceries. Basically, Horace built his own little prison.

That same day, Mrs Vang, their elderly Vietnamese neighbor across the street, started taking bets on how long before the cops would be back at the Minorka Prison. I put a fiver on 2 days.

As it turned out, it took 5 days before things things went both sideways and upside down.

It all started when Minnie’s therapist asked her if she and Horace were having sex regularly. Upon hearing that the answer was no because Horace sometimes has the will, but not the ability, the therapist prescribed some of those blue pills and suggested they give it a go. I figure ahe was trying to help both of them release tension and get their minds off recent events. If she had known where that was going to lead, she would have just suggested masturbation.

From the various bits and pieces that I’ve been able to put together, things went down like this.

The first night went well, with Horace back to full functionality and both of them enjoying themselves.

The second night went well, too. In fact, it went so well that Minnie cut back on a couple of her meds without telling anyone.

A couple of nights later, during the heat of passion, Minnie is just getting her orgasm when she see’s the dancing raccoons and Bigfoot Jesus outside the bedroom window.

A word of full disclosure here: the raccoons in question were my grandson, Brownie and his best friend Omar. “Bigfoot” was, in fact, my gorilla granddaughter, Cupcake, who was chasing them off and would later lock them both on a cage for being “a couple of ringtailed dickheads”.

Anyway, the sight of Bigfoot Jesus and his raccoons along with getting her rocks off caused Minnie’s religious delusions to cut trough her now less effective meds the way Batman cuts through a bunch of cheap crooks.

It also, according to what was overheard by a neighbor as they loaded Horace into an ambulance a couple of days later, was a signal for Minnie that sex was the way to enlightenment.

What happened over the next few days was that Minnie, now energized by religious fervor, became a wild woman. Horace, empowered by modern pharmaceuticals, was at first happy to do his part. It was only when his body started saying “DUDE! WE ARE NOT 25 ANYMORE!” that he tried to tell Minnie no. By the time the police and EMTs arrived a day later, Horace had locked himself in a bathroom.

In the end, Minnie spent two weeks in the Psych Ward, Horace spent 12 days in the hospital for exhaustion and “very severe chafing, and their four children decided to keep an eye on them until the courts allowed them to move to Florida.

That should take place in about 2 weeks. Until then, Horace is sleeping in the guest room.
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The Doclopedia #2,102

The Minorka Story: In Which The Minorkas Leave For Florida

Sasha: Hey, Daddy, the Minorkas are moving!

Me: Really? The special plea to release them from home confinement must have gone through.

Sasha: Yeah, Mrs. M is doing much better with her new meds and Mr. M is medicated to control his temper. There are two big U Haul trucks loaded with their shit about ready to pull out. According to their grandson, they sold the house to Mr M’s nephew. He’s about 40, ftom Bakersfield, has a wife and three kids. 17 year old rebellious daughter, 14 year old game geek son, 13 year old science geek daughter. The grandson didn’t seem to think much of him.

Me: Well, maybe things will improve with Horace & Minnie gone. I mean, at the very least the cops and EMTs will caych a break.

At this point, Cupcake, Brownie and friends, all wearing invisibility cloaks, enter the house with a news update.

Cupcake: Oh boy, the new Minorkas are real winners! He pulled up in his himongous SUV wearing a MAGA hat and a Q Anon t-shirt. His wife, who is failing bad at making anyone think she is 30, was wearing an anti-vaxxer t-shirt. I heard one of the other relatives say he’s a loud mouthed asshole and she’s a nut.

Brownie: Horace told the new guy that they’d better not miss a payment or they’d be out on their asses. New Mr Minorka told him not to worry. Minnie told them that if the dancing raccoons showed up to send them to the new address. The new Mrs M asked a neighbor if they knew a good place to buy essential oils.

Cupcake: The 17 year old daughter said quietly that her parents were batshit crazy and somebody should kill her now. I like her. Anyway, Horace & Minnie got in a car with their son & daughter in law and left. The new Trumpistas are moving their stuff in as we speak.

Sasha: So, we traded a couple of regular wackos for a couple of goofy MAGAts. Wonderful.

Brownie: I may have 1 or 15 ideas for how to deal with them.

Me: As do I, Blue, as do I. Jeeves, bring us each a milkshake. There’s a new pair of walking targets in town.

My Life Among The Colorful Pirates

…blue, green and red

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The Doclopedia #2,099

The Minorka Story: In Which The Cat Comes Back, Sort Of, To Ill Effect

Well, folks, things down the street at the Minorka house were pretty quiet for a couple of weeks, aside from the day when Horace Minorka decided to dismantle his traitorous lawnmower with a 9 pound sledgehammer.

Minnie Minorka has been okay now that she has some light medication, but she’s pretty much watching nothing but a mix of Bigfoot Hunters, Ancient Aliens and religious channels on television. I hear she listens to Coast To Coast AM every night, too.

Like I said, everything was pretty quiet, but then a cat who looked like, but was not, their former cat Moe. As you no doubt recall, poor Moe was tangled up with Mr. Minorka and his lawnmower during the Alien Bigfoot Jesus affair. Scared, and kind of a dangerous cat anyway, he clawed and bit the shit out of old Horace and did a good number on the face of surly Officer Hank, which only made him more surly.

Anyway, this cat wanders into the Minorkas front yard and Minnie thinks it’s a sign from God. Mind you, she tends to thing that about pretty much everything.

According to neighbors, she cried out “Praise be! The Lord has sent Moe back to us!” The cat, whose name was not Moe, paid her no mind. On the other hand, Horace, who had been replacing the air filter on their Dodge, started so badly that he whacked his head on the hood of the car. This upped his temper to around 15 on the 1 to 10 scale.

With a cry of “That goddamn cat!”, Horace threw a crescent wrench at the cat, who deftly dodged it and wisely began strolling off the property. That only pissed Horace off even more, so he started running toward the cat. Sadly, or comedicly, as the case may be, he did not see the wet spot caused by Minnie dropping the hose as she praised Jesus.

Eyewitnesses say that old Minorka did a perfect backflip and landed right in the wet spot, knocking the wind out of him. Minnie, running to either stop Horace or save the cat who was not Moe, managed to knock over the cheap plastic birdbath Horace had bought her 5 years earlier on her birthday. This not only drenched Horace with water, it landed right on his crotch.

Minnie kept on going after the cat, who now decided that he had better split the scene much faster. He ran off into the big patch of cactus over by the power substation and was gone. This caused Minnie to start babbling about Jesus wandering the desert. She was half undressed by the time Officer Judy arrived. The EMTs arrived a few minutes later and medicated both Minorkas.
The cat has not been seen since that day.
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The Doclopedia #2,100

The Minorka Story: In Which We Learn That Gun Safety Is Important If You Are Horace Minorka

Some of you may or may not remember my stories of our down the street neighbors, Mr & Mrs Minorka. Well, they are going to be moving to Florida soon, we think. I mean, they WANT to, but since the “hologram incident”, Mrs Minorka has become a firm believer that Bigfoot is both a ghost and an alien. This has caused her to start acting very strange sometimes. And by “sometimes”, I mean all the time.

Mr Minorka, never one to be called calm and reasonable when under pressure, has developed a hatred toward lawnmowers, cats, Bigfoot, cacti and pretty much anyone that gets within 30 feet of his front yard. He’s not too big on Jesus or aliens, either. The police have stopped by their house several times.

Their cat, Moe, ran off during the above hologram debacle and their dog Jeff was sent to live with the Minorka’s daughter, Jean, a nice lady who lives in Elk Grove with her husband and kids. Moe is living with the Sabata family about 4 blocks from here.

Anyway, tonight both the cops and the paramedics were at the Minorka home because Mrs M apparently saw 5 raccoons, one of whom was taller and blue, dancing atop the back fence. Moments before she underwent one of her “seized by the power of Jesus” moments, she called out to her husband. By the time he got their, all he saw was a Savannah cat on the fence, licking her paw.

According to their next door neighbor, Mr. O’Malley, who was grilling burgers in his back yard and wishing the Minorkas had moved out months ago, Mr M yelled “THERE AIN’T NO FUCKING RACCOONS, BUT THERE’S A FUCKING CAT!”, then ran out into the back yard a couple of minutes later with his shotgun.

The cat in question was long gone, but that became a secondary concern when Mr M tripped, fell, and discharged both barrels of the scatter gun into and through the back fence, hitting the police car of Officer Hank, a man of little humor who had dealt with the Minorkas before and had the facial scars (from their former cat, Moe) to prove it.

Meanwhile, inside the house, those darned dancing raccoons were dancing about merrily and telling Mrs M, who was by now speaking in tongues and removing her clothing, that she should relax and party with them. This did not help things at all. No, not at all.

The raccoons wisely split the scene when they heard the sirens on the cop cars and ambulances. Officer Judy, another veteran of Minorka incidents and a far nicer person and cop than Officer Hank, entered the house and, after determining that that the now buck naked Mrs M was not carrying a firearm, began helping the medics get her under control. By then, Mrs M was quoting from the Book of Revelations, amended to include dancing raccoons.

Now, on the other side of the Minorka’s back fence is a hospital emergency room where there are often police units and the accompanying police. Tonight was no exception, which is why after Mr M accidentally shot a cop car, three big fully armed cops came over that fence while 4 more came through the side gate. Seeing 7 guns pointed at him, Mr M lost bladder control, then gave himself up.

Things have calmed down now, although 50 or 60 people are gathered around watching and discussing the latest “Minorka blow up”. Mr M is handcuffed and in a cop car. Mrs M is pumped full of tranks and will be staying over at the hospital in the Psyche Ward.

Several people are making bets on how long it will be before the Minorkas actually do move to Florida. Mr O’Malley and other neighbors close by are taking up a collection to help them move.

In other news, nobody but the Minorkas has seen a raccoon or a Savannah cat recently.

 

The Secret Guinea Pigs Stake Out A House

…but why?

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The Doclopedia #2,097

The Minorka Story: In Which The Ball Gets Rolling

Things that Grandpa, Uncle Luke, Cupcake and Brownie Learned About Trebuchets Today.

A watermelon hitting the side of a hospital makes a humongous splat. Then the police come to investigate.

A slightly over inflated NBA basketball, when thrown high and about 150 yards, will keep bouncing for over 2 miles. Then the police come to investigate.

A bundle of 60 tennis balls flying through the air looks hella cool and even cooler when they all land in the soccer field of a nearby school. Then the police come to investigate.

If an errant water balloon hits Mr. Minorka, who lives a ways up the street, just as his wife yells “I wish God would strike you down, you old bastard!”, and said balloon knocks him out cold, it will trigger one of Mrs. Minorka’s “events”. Soon, she will be running around naked while speaking in tongues and evading police and first responders. Mr. Minorka, who recovered fully after a few minutes, is convinced she threw the balloon and is telling the police to “Lock that screwy bitch up in the nuthouse”.

All in all, a very fun and educational day, but one that will not be allowed to happen again because Sasha & Misty just got home and are just brimming with stinkeye.

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The Doclopedia #2,098

The Minorka Story: In Which Alien Bigfoot Jesus First Appears

In today’s episode of “Grandpa watches the kids for an hour”…

Sasha left a very long list of things we absolutely could not do, and at the top of the list was “leave the house or Bus unless they are on fire or getting ready to explode”.

Restricted as we were, we decided to go into the holotransmitter booth and project our holograms outside, just in case Sasha was watching. Fortunately, she wasn’t.

Unfortunately, the transmitter projected us up the street to Mr & Mrs Minorka’s front yard. Here is the scene just before we appeared.

Mrs Minorka was repotting some cacti. Mr. Minorka was bent over trying to start their self propelled lawnmower. Their dog, Jeff was sniffing something over by the fence. Their very large cat, Moe, was sleeping about 2 feet away from Jeff.

The holotransmitter camera is a bit goofy and it actually mixed our three holograms together so that when we appeared halfway between Mrs Minorka and Jeff, we looked like a large yellow human/gorilla hybrid with a blue raccoon bursting out of it’s chest.

This caused Mrs Minorka to scream and throw a particularly prickly cactus up in the air and Jeff to give a very loud bark and leap toward the heinous monstrosity that was attacking his human mom.

Sadly, Jeff is an old and rather clumsy dog, so he really only leaped onto Moe, who is an excitable cat even when wide awake. Coming out of a sound sleep because of a loud bark, a falling dog and what looked like an sasquatch from Hell, Moe took off running at full speed.

The tossed cactus landed right of Mr Minorka’s ass just as he got the mower started and was asking his wife what the hell she was screaming about. The sudden multiple sharp pains in his ass caused him to yell and fall forward into the mower, letting his right leg and arm caught in the control bar of the handles in such a way as to push down the dead man’s switch and set the mower moving.

It should be noted that the mower in question was about 45 years old and the most powerful Mr Minorka could find. It could move along pretty quickly.

Back in the booth, we tried to get the camera adjusted, but only succeeded in enlarging our hologram by 50%, making it nearly 9 feet tall.

Moe, the cat ran straight into Mr Minorka on the mower and, seeing this grass covered, yelling, half man/half lawnmower, went into attack mode. For an overweight old cat on the high side of 12 years old, he was ripping into Mr Minorka pretty good. This in no way improved Mr Minorka’s mood.

I will pause here to mention that at the first scream, the Minorka’s neighbor across the street, Mrs Vang, started dialing 911.

Now facing an even larger alien sasquatch, Jeff, to his credit, ran forward to attack it. Of course, he ran right through us, which somewhat distorted us further, which is okay because now the kids were fighting and I was breaking them up. Anyway, Jeff plowed through us, hit mrs Minorka and caused her to sit on 3 or 4 cacti.

For a woman nearing 70, Mrs Minorka could move awfully fast when confronted with a monster and a butt suddenly turned into a pincushion. She took off running and ran right into Officer Janet, one of our local cops who was first on the scene of what I’m sure the police are now calling “the latest Minorka incident”. Both Officer J and Mrs M, went ass over heel onto the pavement.

Meanwhile, Jeff had wisely decided to dive into the house through the doggie door. It was less wise of him to evacuate bowels and bladder as he sped across the living room.

The Lawnmower Thing was now heading up the sidewalk, panicking little kids and several cats & dogs. About 4 houses down, Mr Minorka got his leg untangled and the mower stopped moving. Things would have been relatively okay if he had not brushed his left hand over the mowers spark plug while trying to get up. His right hand was busy pulling a still mad and terrified Moe of his head. When the powerful electric shock went through him and Moe, it caused him to toss Moe away, right into Officer Hank, a large and not very pleasant cop.

About that time, we decided to leave the booth and go into the living room to watch old cartoons. When Sasha arrived home 5 minutes later, she looked at us for a long time, then reviewed the security camera footage, which showed that we never left the house. Only after that did she say that up the street, EMTs were pulling cactus needles out of the Minorka’s butts, Mrs Minorka was yelling about monsters, Mr Minorka was yelling that after he killed that goddamn cat he was moving to Florida, their lawnmower was half a block away, Officer Janet had a bandage on her head, a bleeding Officer Hank was try to chase down Moe, a couple of dozen kids were crying and things had generally gone to hell.

She started to ask us a question, but then just said “Aw, screw it” and went to get a drink.

Lemur Party!

…ain’t no party like a lemur party!

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The Doclopedia #2,095

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The Lucky Ace

After a long hot ride across the prairie, a feller wants a drink, maybe to play some cards and a bit of sport with a pretty gal. In Coldwater, Colorado, that most likely means a visit to The Lucky Ace.

Owned and operated by Miss Jessamine Mills, you’ll see it right there on the north side of Main Street and the corner of Second Street. It’s a big place, all white with lavender trim. The inside is real nice, all done up with gold trim and clean as a whistle. They make you feel welcome right from the git go.

I got to warn you though, that Miss Jessy don’t tolerate no fightin’ or gunplay or disrespecting her girls. You do any of that and one of the big bruisers that works for her will put a knot on your head and toss you out into the street.

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The Doclopedia #2,096

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Stoutly’s Pub

The best pub in Newshire? Why, sir, that’d be Stoutly’s, just down this road and around that hill over yonder. It’s as fine an establishment as you’ll find for six days ride in any direction, yessir.

Stoutly Sidebottom, he’s been running the place since he built it 80 years ago. Pours a lovely pint, he does. Like nectar from some Elven fruit it is. Oh, and the food! His wife Elin is a wizard in the kitchen. Her baked goods are so light they near float into your mouth. And her meat pies…well, sir, you eat one of them and you’ll swear no meat pie ever crossed your lips before.

Hmmm, I’m thinking it’s just about time for lunch, so how about if I just walk with you over there?

The Adventure Of The Three Gingers

…by John H. Watson, MD

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The Doclopedia #2,093

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Geedak Tro Tro

Located on the desert moon of Ulvak, this is the largest bar in Geedak City, a wild & wooly town that is home to miners, doolo hunters, fortune seekers and outlaws.

Geedak Tro Tro is a large and low dome. It has the traditional nine doors that all Geedakite buildings have, which offers plenty of options to anyone needing to leave the bar in a hurry. The staff are mostly Low Geedak or Hcholans, so servis is fast and professional.

Drinks and other mind altering substances tend to be very reasonably priced and the food is plentiful, if the menu is rather limited. Every fourth day they have Lonka Races and there is the monthly darts tournament.

Geedak Tro Tro never closes.

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The Doclopedia #2,094

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Maxie’s Tiki Lounge

Hey, cool cats and surf bunnies, come on over to Maxie’s Tiki Lounge after a day of riding the waves! The drinks are cold, the food is great and the music is really rockin’!

Don’t forget that this Saturday we have another Best Bikini contest with a $50.00 first prize! After that, we have a double bill of the Surf Tigers and the Hot Rod Rockers playing great music until closing time.

Plenty of parking around back and on Wednesdays it’s 50 cent drink night from 6 until 9! Come on down!

That’s What Sidhe Said

…some of you will get that

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The Doclopedia #2,091

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Pismo Joey’s

You’ll find Pismo Joey’s right next to the old Clam Shack, there on the north side of Pismo Beach. Now, half of the place is where tourists and locals come got great fried clams and cold drinks, but if you go around to the back, you’ll be able to get into the bar. It’s small, dark, smells of clams and there’s not a tourist to be found. You got your choice of 3 kinds of beer and that’s it.

But you ain’t there for the atmosphere, you’re there to find out something. See, lots of interesting folks pass through here and they might say some interesting things that Dewey, Sue or old Surfin’ Pat. Then, those three barflies might be willing to repeat what they’ve heard if you slip them a few bucks.

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The Doclopedia #2,092

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The Cock & Hen

As London pubs in the Age of Steam go, The Cock & Hen looks to be about average. Nice enough inside, friendly staff and customers, decent pub food. Pretty much like any of 100 other pubs you could find.

The big difference is that the pub is just the entrance to the much larger area under it, a 3 story deep workshop used by the League of Creators.

The LOC is a secret group of inventors who create gadgets, weapons and conveyances for various champions of good. The things they create are sold several miles away at the dusty little shop of S.Mills & Son.

Membership in the group is open to any top notch inventor, as long as they are sponsored by at least two members.

The Rare And Beautiful Wandering Pink Pine Trees Of Potawango Island

…not really tall, but pretty quick

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The Doclopedia #2,089

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: A Trap!

1: 2d6+2 Sword blades fall from the ceiling

2: A bomb with all red wires

3: A steel rod pops out at crotch level

4: Sloped and greased pit that dumps you in a sewer

5: Fire! Fire coming up from the floor!

6: Three pissed off honey badgers behind the door

7: If you pick up the gun, explosive gas floods the room

8: Snakes! Lots of poisonous snakes.

9: Hidden shotgun goes off if you open the wrong door

10: Rolling barrel studded with razor blades

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The Doclopedia #2,090

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: A Message

1: Written on a notepad “Werewolf on ship”

2: Interrupted phone call “You gotta get to 5th and Bell right now. They have to be stopped before…”

3: Spelled our in stones outside the cabin “RUN!”

4: A postcard “I shall rob the Royal Gala tonight. Your efforts to stop me will fail”

5: Note on a murder victim’s chest. “I killed Tony and Big Lou is next!”

6: Message in a fortune cookie. “Leave via rear door. Wing Hong men waiting out front

7: Delivered via messenger boy. “I await you on West Hill with my sword ready.”

8: Tied to a brick that came through your window. “Science is the Devil’s tool!”

9: Coming over your car radio late at night as you cross the desert. “Stop your conveyance, Earthling!”

10: A text message. “The experiment failed, Gail! I’m losing control. Call in Army!”

Her Nickname Was Spanky And So Was Her Lifestyle

…or so I’ve heard

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The Doclopedia #2,087

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Things To Search For

1: A diamond the size of a duck egg

2: The murder weapon

3: A bomb

4: The villain’s hideout

5: Treasure

6: A missing person

7: A lost robot

8: A transdimensional gateway

9: The key to unlock the dungeon exit

10: The girl with the green eyes

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The Doclopedia #2,088

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: A Meeting Place

1: Ernie’s Place, midnight

2: Her/His apartment. noon

3: The Tower Of The Gods, 2:00 am

4: City Hall, 9:00 am sharp

5: Next to the village well, just after sunset

6: ACME Labs, in 10 minutes

7: Starbase 225, in a week

8: The Stork Club, 9:00 pm, dress sharp

9: 221 B Baker Street. whenever

10: May 9th, 1630 AD, Florida, look for a bus

Mud Babies

…cute, but muddy

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The Doclopedia #2,089

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: An Ally

1: K-Bo, the DJ

2: Professor Winklemoore, Chemist

3: Rufus, a large goat of high intelligence

4: Sister Esperanza, amateur detective

5: Jake, a down on his luck veteran

6: Gina, a taxi driver

7: Moonpie, a mysterious vigilante

8: Old Kay, an expert in local legends

9: Big Bones Billy, a tough palooka

10: Agent Roscoe, FBI

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The Doclopedia #2,090

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Spooky Places

1: Dead Wolf Canyon

2: Fire Lake

3: The Old Anderson Place

4: That abandoned warehouse over on 57th Street

5: Satan’s Swamp

6: The Killwell Family Cemetery

7: The Bar X Ranch

8: Apartment 1280

9: That abandoned mall out by the river

10: The sewers under the city

Module J-2: The Island Of Slime Hags

…for characters level 3-5

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The Doclopedia #2,087

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Powerful Magic

1: Wand Of Many Spiders

2: Rejastro’s Spell Of Face Melting

3: Scroll Of Fast Escape

4: Ring Of Slime Creation

5: Staff Of Bonecrushing

6: Minzel’s Dust Of Lust

7: The Ancient Jewel Of Soul Transference

8: Scroll Of Greater Firestorm

9: Ring Of Zombification

10: Wan Loo’s Staff Of Lava Bombs

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The Doclopedia #2,088

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: A Major Clue

1: A pair of red lace panties

2: A business card for “J. Harper Attorney”

3: Four gold coins

4: A .38 Special and 3 shell casings

5: A bloodstained frying pan

6: A note saying “Meet Jones at 3rd & Main, 2:30”

7: A half empty bottle of bourbon and three shot glasses


8: A photo of the dame and the cat

9: Footprints with swamp mud

10: A matchbook with a phone number and a swastika written on it.

We Had The Secret Meeting On The Big Bridge

…just in case somebody needed to be thrown off of it

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The Doclopedia #2,089

How Not To…: Rob A Bank

Suggested by Gaylin Chev

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I can tell you three ways to not rob a bank. Don’t ask how I know this stuff.

1: Do not gather up a crew in a hurry. Sure as hell, you’ll get at least two idiots who forget to do crucial things or, even worse, do stuff wrong and you’ll have to haul ass out of the bank before you crack the safe.

2: Do not use a sonic assault cannon to blast open the gate to the safe deposit box room, because there will be a shitload of transharmonics and you’ll be deaf as a post for 3 or 4 days.

3: Make damned sure the bank you go into is not one frequented by cops to do their banking while off duty but still armed. You will very quickly learn what a “Mexican standoff” is.

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The Doclopedia #2,090

How Not To…: “Fix” The Bus

Suggested by Avis Crane

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The Bus in question is, of course, our time traveling & dimension hopping bus, Sweetie.

If, by “fix”, you mean repair, don’t. That is something that Sweetie can do in some cases and Joe, our quantum mechanic, can do in all other cases. Sasha can do certain diagnostics and very minor repairs, but that’s it. If anyone else decides to play mechanic, things can go very wrong.

Now, if you mean the kind of “fix” that pertains to reproductive sterilization, well, I’m not sure even Joe would know how to do that. If Sweetie wants to reproduce again, I reckon she will. I don’t think it’s very likely, since she just had Spock a few months ago, but it’s up to her.

Lock Robster

…we were at a party

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The Doclopedia #2,087

How Not To…: Talk to Aliens

Suggested by Gaylin Chev

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Well now, that entirely depends upon the aliens you are speaking to, doesn’t it? I mean, every memberspecies of the Galactic Counsel communicates using one of the 16 versions of the lingua franca, so you just need to look it up.

Now, mind you, most species can only speak 2, maybe 3 GalLangs, but since Universal translators ore everywhere, just buy one and use it. Try to speak clearly, because if your Gal Lang is off by a couple of levels, the UT will make you sound like a primitive git.

So, I guess THAT would be the way NOT to speak to aliens, by using the way wrong language.

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The Doclopedia #2,088

How Not To…: Wear a Mask 

Suggested by Gaylin Chev

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Do NOT wear a dinky little mask that just covers right around your eyes. May as well not even wear a mask.

Don’t wear a mask that makes your voice too muffled to hear. Bad guys will just look at you all confused and then start shooting.

Absolutely do not wear a mask with your company logo on it. That’s just asking for trouble.

Don’t wear another superhero’s mask. That’s just tacky and might get you sued or beaten up.

Don’t wear a mask that makes it hard to breathe.

Don’t wear a mask with too much high tech stuff built into it. If you lose power you might not be able to see or hear or whatever.

Looking For Mr. Crowbar

…was that a book or a movie?

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The Doclopedia #2,101

How Not To…: Alienate Friends

Suggested by Nancy Aikman Martin

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It turns out that the solution to alienating friends is the same solution to many things: DON’T BE A DICK! Be caring and understanding instead. Works every time. Also maybe be mindful of your breath and try not to rip off really horrible farts.

I need to admit that when I fierst read the suggestion for this entry, I thought it was ALIENIZE Friends, which, as it turns out, is very difficult.

I mean, aside from whacking then full of alien DNA, which is almost never compatible anyway, the only other way is to take their great X 20 grandparents to some other planet centuries ago and see what you end up with today. The Wemafolons did that with some homo sapiens about 30,000 years ago, which is why there are so many human looking races out there. We can interbreed with about half of them, if they wanted to hook up with the trailer trash of our Galactic Sector.

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The Doclopedia #2,102

How Not To…: Blow Up The Universe

Suggested by Avis Crane

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This is one of my friend Avis’ little jokes, because you can’t even blow up a good hunk of a galaxy, let alone an entire universe. It would be like a paramecium trying to blow up a black hole. Ain’t gonna happen.

Hell, you can’t even mess up an entire universe, although you can, given enough time and motivation, play a good bit of hell with a Galactic Sector or two.

I’d tell you how, but then the shit would hit the fan and I’d be dead.