The Outlaw Jersey Whales

…not starring Clint Eastwood

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The Doclopedia #1,804

Why I Did It…: Pitted Them Against An Illithid

Courtesy of Kevin Rice

Short answer? Because they hit 3rd level and got too damned cocky. A fighter, wizard, cleric and thief who had it a bit too easy coming up and started thinking they were hot shit and the DM couldn’t take them out.

So I waited until they were about 4 levels down in a dungeon, then I had the floor give way and they slid down a tunnel into the dark caverns a mile below. They were pissed off, but still cocky.

I hit ’em with a swarm of Intellect Devourers first, then had the Illithid attack in the middle of that battle. He blasted them all mentally and then charmed the fighter. Hahaha! The wizard, who was the only one not stunned, put the fighter to sleep. Then he roused the others and they fought like hell. The Illithid was winning when the fighter woke up and got in a couple of decent hits.

I had forgotten that the wizard had a Ring of Limited Wish, so he burned it out wishing the four of them back to the surface. I had them arrive okay, but without the backpacks they had removed before the fight. Oh man, were they ever pissed! They had to walk 50 miles to the nearest town with 3 fights along the way.

Anyway, they aren’t nearly so cocky now.

The Doclopedia #1,805

Why I Did It…: Said Yes

Courtesy of Kyle Miller

Look, buddy, it’s real simple: when the Shadow tells you to either do something or get shot by them two big pistols of his, you say “Yessir, Mister Shadow, I’ll get right on that”, and you hope you haven’t pissed yourself every time he laughed.

So he tells me to get in a car, a big black & silver job, and go drive past some place in Chinatown. So sure, I do it, and then I’ve got a carload of Chinese guys and a carload of mob guys both chasing me. I’m scared, but then the radio comes on and a voice is telling me when to turn and what streets to take and I’m driving balls out through the city.

It’s a big car and the gas tank is full, so I’m staying ahead of them. Bullets fly by every so often, but the car and the rear glass are bulletproof. Anyway, next thing you know, I’m out of town heading toward Yonkers. Then the voice tells me to turn down this road and hit the gas, which I do. After a couple of miles, I’m out in the countryside and I pass a guy hiding behind a tree. He waves as I pass and about a minute later, the road explodes under the two cars that were after me. No way did any of those guys survive.

Then the radio voice tells me to drive to some little podunk town and I do and there’s a guy there waiting for me in front of the only gas station. It’s two in the morning and I’m pretty sure we’re the only two people in awake in that town. He takes over driving and when we get back to the Bronx, he gives me a ring to wear and tells me I now work for the Shadow and they’ll be in touch soon. I walk up to my apartment and hit the sack, thinking I got really lucky that night. The next morning, I read about all hell breaking loose in Chinatown and I figure I’ll celebrate my luck by going out for a good breakfast. So here I am, eating my ham and eggs and telling you this because we’re wearing the same ring and I figure I’ll go straight because if I don’t, well, he’ll know.

It’s All Fun & Games Until You Have To Regenerate

…for like, the 8th time that year

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The Doclopedia #1,802

Why I Did It…: Got On The Plane

Courtesy of Ginie Murphy

Okay, I got on the plane to get away from your mother. Come on, Annie, you know she has a voice like a cheese grater and she sucks they joy out of entire houses, not just rooms. She bitches about EVERYTHING and nobody is good enough for her. Hell yes I jumped on a plane for Europe. I know your mother has a big fear of flying and the Atlantic Ocean is just about enough distance between her and I.

Sweetheart, I hear her ranting in the next room and I know you hate it. Look, your job is a dead end and your mom will make you crazy sooner or later. There’s a brand new backpack under your bed and it has a one way ticket to Paris in it. Tell your boss you’re quitting, sublet the apartment to Hani and Yuna and come on over. It’s not like we have kids or even a pet. We can do all that traveling we talked about, then head to California. I can work for my uncle while you find a job. Come on, baby, make the break.

Yeah, I hear her getting closer. Hang up now and I’ll see you soon.



The Doclopedia #1,803

Why I Did It…: Admitted My Guilt

Courtesy of Spike Y Jones

Fellow Ethroons, I have admitted my guilt in the wanton destruction of the Grand Kaloon’s temple, but before you decide my fate, let me tell you why I did it.

Oh yes, I could have very easily let you continue blaming the Kaloon’s nephew for the crime. His bad feelings toward his uncle go back 30 cycles that we know of. It was the simplest thing to destroy the temple after one of their many public arguments, letting him take the blame. After all, he is a hot tempered winzar that indulges far too often in joog and ris. He has a long record with the High Guard. Even better, his mind is blank about the entire night in question.

But I did not do that. No, I admitted my guilt and told everyone here the details of the crime, right in front of the Grand Kaloon and the High Guard. But why, you ask? Why would a noble with my stature do such a terrible act?

It is because the Grand Kaloon is not as he seems! He is in fact, NOT a Kaloon at all, but a Durnoon! He is not a Chosen Leader, but a clever spy come to destroy our way of life! Strip he robes from him and press a hot quiln against his flesh!

There! See how his filthy shapeshifting powers fail him! Behold, a Durnoon of their upper classes. Yes, guards, take him away for questioning!

Raccoons With Clubs, Badgers With Knives, Foxes With Chains

…it’s a rumble in the forest!


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The Doclopedia #1,800

Rats: The Kaiju Rat Of Sumatra

One of the “lost” Earth 2-S Sherlock Holmes stories, this one was suppressed by Holmes & Watson on the grounds that it would cause worldwide panic.

Oddly, this was one of the very few casually mentioned cases that Doyle actually had a very rough outline for. Although notes make it clear that he wrote the notes in jest, it still is cited by some Holmes scholars as a legitimate attempt at a sequel to “The Giant Rat of Sumatra”, the only Holmes story that featured an appearance by Professor Challenger from Doyle’s Science fiction works.

According to Doyle’s notes, the adventure would have taken place two years later and would find Holmes and Watson in Japan at the same time as Challenger, who had captured another of the 100 pound rats and was touring the East with it. The rat would then be given a mysterious substance by a Japanese agent of Professor Moriarty, grow to “twice or three times the size of an elephant”, then go on a rampage.

As of the current year, 1995, the Doyle estate has yet to allow anyone to write this story.


The Doclopedia #1,801

Rats: The Doomrat

So, yeah, we called it “The Doomrat”. Her real name was Iris and she was a special rat indeed. Not only could she carry the HumanEx 9 virus, she could pass it on to her first two litters. They could pass it on to their first two, but at half the infection rate. Same thing with the next generation. After that, they were virus free. But, you know, since Iris and her first two litters were carrying the 99.99% infection and death rate, humanity was seriously fucked anyway. Airborne virus, rats conditioned to spread out away from each other except to mate…yeah, we had cooked up a great Doomrat.

95% of the human population is dead. Seven of us from the lab survived because we were in the vaccine room when the earthquake hit. A fucking 6.7 quake in fucking Kansas due to fracking, man. The seven of us shot up all the vaccine before the fire got going full blast. We made it out and headed to the command post, which the quake had pretty well destroyed.

Anyway, took them 2 hours to get the place sealed, by which time Iris was probably 5 miles away, despite being pregnant. They spent a week going through the rubble checking dead rats, but never found her, 12 weeks after the quake, people started getting sick in small towns. After that, well, you know the rest.

Part of me kind of hopes Iris had a good life. It wasn’t really her fault that she was the Doomrat.

Pieboy Meets The Mobsters

…and by “meet” I mean “ran like hell from”


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The Doclopedia #1,798

Rats: The Servants Of Lorga

You ask me about Lorga, so I will tell you what I know. He is a vampire and has lived here in Poland for the last 275 years. Before that, I cannot say, though rumors put him in Hungary, where he was first encountered 300 years ago. Lorga is believed to stay mostly in a ruined castle deep in the forest somewhere, probably in the east, but he has lairs in other parts of Poland, including the one you destroyed in Krakow.

Lorga himself is a very powerful foe, but worse yet are his servants. Rats, some as large as a large cat, serve him. They protect him at all times, with many of them acting as his eyes and ears during the daytime. These rats are very smart and very tough. If Lorga commands them to attack, the attack will not end until the last rat is dead, and there will be many rats attacking.

It goes without saying that these rats are diseased. Some even carry a form of vampirism that changes the victim into a raving cannibal. Beware the bite of the Servants of Lorga, American.



The Doclopedia #1,799

Rats: Rufus & Rosie

On Earth 14-K, dogs & cats are not the most popular pets. That’s reserved for rats, which are about 50% larger and twice as smart as they are here on Earth Prime.

The great popularity of rats means they are found throughout pop culture. Nowhere is this more apparent than the hugely popular cartoon series “Rufus & Rosie”.

The first Rufus & Rosie cartoon was a 4 minute long silent from 1924, “Rats & Cats”. It was a big hit, so Sunshine Pictures made 6 more cartoons, although Rufus and Rosie were not actually named until the third cartoon, “Rufus Loves Rosie”.

The first sound cartoon, “Train Riding Rats” was released in May of 1929 and set the tone for most of the Rufus & Rosie” cartoons for the next 50 years. Either Rufus would get himself into a fix that Rosie would get him out of, or the two of them would be battling some bad guys.

Between 1929 and 1979, 106 Rufus & Rosie cartoons were made. From 1979 until now (current year 2005) another 24 were made. Besides the theatrical cartoons, there have been 5 television series and 14 full length animated movies featuring the lovable rats.

Rufus & Rosie have two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, one for motion pictures and one for television.

The Rare And Beautiful Hanging Turtles Of Potawango Island

…don’t walk under them, or they’ll bite you


The Doclopedia #1,796

Classified Ads: Free

Flooning Uniform: I played Mid-League Flooning when I was younger, but I’m 40 and fat now. Would like to give this uniform to a young person that could use it. Size 10 Regular. In very good shape.

Box Of Old Books: Mostly old books like “WWIII In Color”, “A Guide To New Atlantis”, “Our Female Presidents” and stuff like that. About 15 hardback books, all in good condition. Take them all.

Mark III Genius Drone: Made by Alsorian Industries. In excellent shape. Getting rid of it because I just got a Mark V. 8 hour run time, 6 cameras, self defense module. Uses a “Walter” AI.

Game: I have an extra copy of the Dungeons & Dogs Player’s Guidebook. Brand new, still in shrink. Got two for Freedom Day and figured I’d give one to a newbie gamer. I’ll even toss in a few dice.



The Doclopedia #1,797

Classified Ads: Jobs

Henchpeople Needed: Aspiring Criminal Mastermind need thugs, mugs, lugs, dames, gunsels, punks, bitches, killers and lawyers. I have newspaper clippings, you have a resume. Great pay, in cash, every week. Many Evil Plans in the works. Come join my team!

Inner Solar Transport: Hiring crew members for the Solar Queen, a 250 ton transport vessel. We do both the “9 Stop” run from Mercury to Mars as well shorter runs. Good pay, full medical, 3 weeks vacation a year to start. Come to Lunar Spacedock 2-A for an interview.

The Time Corps Wants YOU!: The Time Corps needs young men and women to help maintain our precious history from changes wrought by temporal meddling. Get excellent training, great pay and the chance to travel. Bonuses given for specialized work and extra-hazardous missions. Come join the Time Corps!

Delivery Driver: Deliver Uncle Gurgo’s Deep Fried Fleems throughout the Wimfo City area. Good pay and food discount’s. Apply at any Uncle Gurgo’s location

Cod Is My Co-Pilotfish

…that sounds fishy to me


The Doclopedia #1,794

Classified Ads: Pets

Enhanced Cat: Lovelace is a 10 month old white Rex female. Spayed. Enhanced with limited chameleonic powers. Super friendly and very healthy. Eats regular cat food. Asking a $500.00 rehoming fee.

Mated Pair of Spotted Curmas: 2 years old and super healthy. Male has both penises and female has graspers. Both have curled horns and long tails. Selling to responsible breeder only.

Scottie: We need to rehome our 1 year old Scottish Terrier. He’s a great dog, housebroken, knows trick, great with kids and very loving. Sadly, my wife has somehow attracted the ghosts of three cats and they drive poor Angus crazy. $300.00 to a good home and we will interview and inspect.

Monkeys: Monkeys R Us is going out of business! Come see our selection of fine primates! We have slashed prices, so you can get great deals on Capuchins, Woolys, Squirrels, Spiders, Howlers, Vervets, Langurs, Guenons and Macaques! We are clearing out cages and supplies, too. All sales final! We close forever on the 15th!

The Doclopedia #1,795

Classified Ads: Vehicles

1883 Baxley/Chudworth: I have an ’83 Bax/Chud in excellent working order. All valves and steam chamber recently replaced. Tyres in excellent condition. Two seater, with windscreen. Top speed of 58 kilometers per hour. 200 pounds or trade for a Thunderbolt steam velocipede.

Slipstream 3: Very good condition. Great for running around town or for your Youth Quidditch player. Broomstick recently varnished. $75.00 or best offer.

Redemption Class Starship: Runs great, but needs body work and interior refitting. Plenty of room for a crew of 300, but can be fully operated by a crew as small as 50. Sorry, mil spec weapons not included. 4.5 million credits or best offer.

Acme Pogo Stick: Only used once. Very slight damage, but still totally usable. $15.00 or best offer. Contact: W. Coyote

The 29 Things You Should Never Buy

…#4: severed human heads


The Doclopedia #1,791

People with Swords: Samurai Monkey


In the Country of the Animals, there are many evildoers who flaunt the laws of Emperor Gorilla. Samurai Monkey is the swordsman charged with punishing these miscreants. With his two swords and his great skill in battle, he deals out swift and merciless justice.

Samurai Monkey is a Stump Tailed Macaque. He wears traditional Japanese Samurai Armor and carries two katanas.



The Doclopedia #1,792

People With Swords: Cupid The Barbarian


It was in the spring of 1991 when Murray Felderman woke up to find the Goddess Of Love standing beside his bed. Understandably, Murray was a bit surprised and more than a little scared. And yes, he was horny, what with her being tall, beautiful, sexy and barely covered by a toga. See, that’s kind of a dream come true for men…especially chubby little Jewish insurance salesman who hadn’t been laid since just before his wife Diane left him 2 years ago.

So anyway, the Goddess Of Love tell him she needs a new Cupid because the old one is retiring. Before Murray can say anything, there is a flash of light, a shower of rose petals, the scent of chocolate and Barry White singing in the background…and Murray is 6’6″ tall, buff as all hell, holding a bigass sword and possessed of a full head of long blonde hair. Also, he was well hung and wearing a leather loincloth. Score!

From that day forward, Murray was Cupid. He goes out every day and smites people with his Sword of Love, bringing happiness into their lives. At night, Murray gets to go to the Beach Resort of the Gods and get him some hot goddess lovin’. All in all, it’s a hell of a lot better than life with Diane ever was.



The Doclopedia #1,793

People With Swords: Ian Redberry


Ian Redberry is a swordsman. Well, he’s in training to be a swordsman. Actually, his day job is working as an assistant baker for his Uncle Milo. But soon, if he doesn’t cut his own head off or something, Ian hopes to leave baking behind for the exciting life of a sword wielding adventurer.

Ian stands 5′ 11″ tall and weighs 165 pounds. He has medium length black hair, blue eyes and a prominent scar on his chin. He is a pretty good looking boy, if the opinion of the local girls counts. Ian is 16 years old.


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