New Board Games For Cats

…they mostly lay on them and play with the pieces

 

The Doclopedia #1,407

Capes & Cloaks: Cloak Of Shadows

Good morning, students! As promised, this week we shall discuss various capes and cloaks, each imbued with strange powers. Now do quiet down so we may get started.

Now, you see before you a very well tailored cloak. It is meant to attach to a shirt or jacket at a point just a couple of inches below the collarbones. The collar of the cloak is quite high, coming up about halfway on one’s ears. The interior is red and the exterior is black. It is made from a light, yet very durable fabric. Our best estimate is that it was made for a person standing at least 6 foot 2 inches tall.

So, a very fine looking cloak, but what of it’s special powers? Ah, well, those are interesting indeed. To begin with, the wearer of the cloak can become extremely hard to see in any sort of darkness or deep shadow. Indeed, after wearing it for a while, one can even cause the minds of those around you to become cloudy, leading to them not being able to see you at all. Most interesting, I think you’ll agree.

Perhaps an even greater power, though one that is a two edged sword, is the ability to know what evil lies in the human or humanoid heart. You know who has evil tendencies just by looking at them. You also know who will act on this evil and who will not act…yet. Trust me when I tell you finding out that an old friend is some sort of evil bastard is not something you will enjoy. This is only made worse by the cloak’s final power.

It wants you to fight evil.

And when I say “fight evil”, I mean going after criminals and evildoers and stopping them in any way necessary, including killing them. It is not an urge that is easily resisted, which is why wearing the cloak is no longer allowed.

Now, off you go to your next class!

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The Super Duper Scare Your Face Off, But Also Wildly Funny, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Haunted Outhouse

…co-starring her country cousin, Otis Goobersnock

 

Confessions Of A Time Traveler

Killing Hitler: Let Me Count The Ways

Pretty much everyone in my immediate family and a couple of my friends has gone back in time and killed Hitler. Of course, that doesn’t change our history, but it does spin off new timelines where the insane son of a bitch did die. It’s actually more fun than most people think.

Among us Hitler killers, I have done it the most. Silky, who you will remember actually fought the Nazis in her first life, comes in second. We are both into the triple digits. Grace only killed him once, but it was via a transformation hex that turned him into a rat, who, seconds later was crushed under Hermann Goering’s boot. Actually, Grace smoked him, too, but we are only counting Hitler kills here.

Before I go and further, let’s be clear that I’m only counting the times I have ended Adolf Hitler’s life, I’m not counting the times I had him get some good breaks as a kid or teen, got him into art school overseas, got him seriously laid for his first time ever by a Jewish girl, got him laid for the first time by a Jewish boy, scared him into the priesthood by posing as Satan himself or just plain neuralized him into being something other that an antisemitic nutcase. Nope, this is all about bringing his miserable life to an end.

So, I have killed Hitler by…

Rifle shot to the head, long range: 9 times
Rifle shot to the head, medium range: 7 times

Pistol to the head, point blank: 10 times
Pistol, two to the back of the head on a lonely road: 4 times
Shotgun blast, close range: 5 times
Machine gun: 8 times
Arrow, poisoned: 6 times

Blown to smithereens by explosives: 23 times
Dropped conventional bomb on him: 9 times
Nuked him during one of his rallies: 1 time

Poison: 11 times

Disintegrated him: 7 times

Decapitated with a sword: 3 times

Well placed dagger thrust: 15 times
Tossed him off a cliff: 4 times
Electrocution: 5 times
Gassed him in his own gas chambers: 12 times
Tossed him to a crowd of angry Jews: 6 times

Garroted him: 4 times
Ran him down with one of those sweet German touring cars: 4 times
Exposed him to high level radiation: 3 times
Tricked him into killing himself: 3 times
Sicced velociraptors on him (also took out 7 high ranking officers): 1 time
Plane crash: 3 times

Hung him: 4 times
Scared him to death using holograms: 2 times

Automobile accident: 5 times

Steamroller (not as funny as you’d think): 3 times
Strapped to a V-2 rocket: 1 time
Liquid nitrogen dip: 1 time

Drug overdose (surprisingly easy): 7 times

So, 185 times. Truth to tell, I’m kind of tired of killing Hitler. Of course, there is still, Stalin, the various Kims ruling the DPRK, Pol Pot, pretty much every tinpot dictator, the founders of the Ku Klux Klan, the founders of several religions, tons of gangsters and, of course, plenty of shitty politicians throughout US history.

I’m sure the folks in all those better new timelines would thank me, if they knew.

 

Oil Up Another Watermelon, Lester!

…don’t ask

Sasha Explains It All

Everybody Can’t Be Smart

If there is one thing people ask me all the time, besides “How can you look so young and beautiful?”, it’s “Which animals are Smart and why aren’t ALL animals Smart?”

Here’s the answer to that question and we’ll start right off with the #1 most asked about species, the chimpanzee.

There are, in fact, about 120 Smart female chimps in the world. All of them live in Gorilla City in Africa. They are teachers and engineers and scientists and nurses and chefs. All of them are sterile, mostly due to birth defects or some other natural cause. They are all very good people and very likely will not be replaced by chimps when they die.

You see, chimps are just too much like humans to allow them to become sapient. The males especially are vicious, cunning, violent assholes. So are a good share of the females. Sound familiar, humans?

If chimps were sapient, they would band together and start killing humans, probably with human weapons. They’d also probably come ofter us NHT, which would be the end of the chimp species, or nearly so.

To prevent this ever happening, every single chimp on earth, except the gals in Gorilla City, has been dosed with nanites that shield their brains from us NHT, who tend to Smarten up creatures we hang with for very long. So, no Smart chimps.

Next up come farm animals like cattle, sheep, goats & pigs. Like chimps, there are some of those that have become sapient, but the majority are kept dumb. The reason is obvious: they are going to be eaten or kept for some other purpose. Freedom and a long life is not in the cards for them, so making them aware would be monstrous cruelty.

Horses, mules and donkeys, for some reason we haven’t figured out yet, are very resistant to sapience. Only about one in 50,000 can ever become sapient and when they do, they immediately ask to go live in an NHT Sanctuary Zone. Without fail, all of the sapient domesticated horses & asses are very nice folks.

Small mammals don’t deal with becoming Smart very well. They tend to freak out and eventually go catatonic. That’s understandable given their very short lifespans and place on so many creatures menus. With the exception of domesticated rabbits (and even then, mostly the ones who escaped to live in the great Sanctuary warrens), most of the smaller sapients are creatures like skunks, opossums, otters, wallabies, etc.

The NHTA is very careful about making monkeys smart. They almost always turn out to be troublemakers with a chip on their shoulders. There are some Smart baboons and larger monkey species, but again, they are in Sanctuaries where they can be monitored.

There are no Sapient wolverines, honey badgers, or Tasmanian Devils because that would just be fucking insane. It was tried in the 1990s and it did not go well at all.

You may have noticed that so far I have only mentioned mammalian species. That’s because almost everything else just can’t become sapient, despite decades of trying. There are exceptions, however.

Parrots: The larger macaws, cockatoos and Amazon parrots, along with the African Gray, can become sapient. They tend to gravitate towards jobs in security, espionage (yes, we do it too. And much better than you humans.), aerial mapping, and show business.

Ravens & Crows: These corvids attain sapience by becoming part of a hivemind. Take a single crow far away from any other crows or ravens and he is still sapient, but not very intelligent. On the other hand, a flock of 20 crows creates 20 damned smart birds.

Ducks: These folks are a class A enigma. They should not be able to become sapient, but they do. Now, none of them will ever be a rocket scientist, but they have a decent average intelligence.

Raptors: Only the very largest birds of prey become sapient, and even then it’s only about 1 in 1,000.

After birds, almost nothing else can become Smart, with three exceptions.

Giant Tortoises: They are almost all sapient, but not geniuses. They are also incredibly thoughtful and slow in conversation. It’s almost as bad as talking to an Ent.

Octopuses: Octopuses CAN become sapient, but don’t seem to WANT to. Which is probably good, because the one or two who have become sapient were weird motherfuckers.

Domestic Honeybees: Don’t ask how because NHT scientist, myself included, do not have the slightest clue. That said, bee swarms are some of the nicest folks you’ll ever meet and have a great sense of humor.

So there is the answer to your question, folks. Oh, one other thing. Cetaceans have ALWAYS been sapient. Silky and Roscoe arriving on our earth had nothing to do with it. Cetaceans are swell people, but to us land based lifeforms, they might as well be aliens. I probably need to do a rant on them sometime.

Until my next rant,

Sasha Jane Cross, PhD (X3)

Sherlock Potter And The Adventure Of The Vulcan Time Lord Of Bronze

…actually, I would read the fuck out of that

The Doclopedia #1,406

Starships: C’Wi C’Wi Explorer

Like the C’wi C’wi themselves, their exploration ships, are small, efficient and no two look exactly the same. All of them have excellent laboratories and storage areas, as well as plenty of Tri-Dee vid drones, scannerdrones and helperbots. The living quarters are spacious and clean and there is always plenty of fresh food.

The ships come in an endless variety of shapes and color schemes, but they all have J-5 drives, Class 4 Shields and at least 4 shuttlecraft. Most ships are between 600 and 1,200 feet across. Crew size ranges from 200 to 1,500.

It’s All Fun And Games Until Somebody Has To Run From A Big Rolling Boulder

…I’n not naming names, Jones

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,405

Starships: Elarissian Miner

The Elarissians are a large, multilimbed humanoid race who specialize in mining on “difficult” planets. Their mining ships are enormous, up to 15 miles long and fully able to land on a planetary surface, even a rough one, due to their segmented nature. They all have J-4 propulsion. Crew quarters are spartan, in keeping with Elarissian culture.

Thanks to Class 12 defensive shields and the ability to seal parts of each ship to the surface, Elarissian mineships can mine on everything from iceworlds to extremely hot worlds to worlds with toxic athmospheres. The ships can mine and smelt metals, refine and store gases or whatever else is needed. They are found in 9 sectors where they are operated by Elarissians and 4 more sectors where they are contracted out to other races.

Not In This Issue: Poison Frogs,Weed Control Or Quilts

…there might be something about frog control

The Doclopedia #1,404

Starships: Prin Tradeship

A Prin tradeship looks very much like two small (5 mile long) worldships connected together and revolving around a central J-9 drive unit. One of the worldships is the home environment for the reptomammalian Prin. The other is a combination warehouse and shopping mall. Fully half of the Prin species (about 3 billion people) live and work on these ships, of which there are about 200,000) zipping from system to system in 26 sectors. Once every 5 years, the Prin all return to Prinworld for a year long celebration of their trade successes.

Although their tradeships are protected by Class 5 defensive shields and quantum cannons, each ship also has a complement of 15 EeeAoon fightercraft flown by EeeAoon mercenaries.

Moon Sandwiches And Chocolate Tea

…Yum Yum

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,403

Starships: Kr’Loq Transport

The hardworking Kr’Loq are a quasi-cephalapodian race from three small systems on the border of GalSecs 4509 and 4510. They are notable for two things: their ability to do very precise surgery without robotic assistance and their workhorse transport ships.

Standard Kr’Loq transports are used in over 500 sectors and have been known to last as long as 1,300 years. They are not pretty, being huge rectangular boxes 5 miles long by 2 miles on a side and having six J-3 drives on the rear, but they get the job done. The crew quarters are actually quite spacious compared to other transport ships and every ship is protected by Class 5 defensive shields.

The Kr’Loq build about 300 transports per year and there is a 40 year waiting list.