The World Champion Barbed Wire Fence Diver

…not a single fuckin’ scratch on him

I did something to fuck up my left shoulder the other day…might have strained it gardening, might have slept on it wrong…and it has been hurting like hell the past two days. It’s feeling a bit better now, but still nowhere near 100%.

Not much else to report, so I’ll post today’s character and then go watch Giant From The Unknown thanks to Netflix

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character: Here we have one of the classic AD&D Monster Manual creatures…and he’s doing a job he loves.

#30:  Ollie the Otyugh

STR: 15
CON: 13
DEX: 12
INT: 9
WIS: 5
CHA: 5

Nobody knows what Ollie did before he came to Oak Hill, but he certainly couldn’t have been a horrible cavern dwelling monster like most Otyughs. Ollie was a very pleasant, if a bit odiferous, fellow who was always smiling and greeted everyone with a pleasant hello. It is suspected that Ollie might be some mutant strain of Neo-Otyugh, but nobody knows for sure.

It didn’t take long for Ollie to find his place in the community: down in the cesspool/garbage pit. As Ollie likes to say “What you cast off is my buffet!”.  Ollie can be found in the cesspool most of the time, but he does like to come to the local inn (after a good long shower under the local waterfall) to participate in sing alongs and catch up on local gossip.

In his spare time, Ollie enjoys playing darts, hunting for swamp rats and volunteering for the town watch. 

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Golden Chipmunk, Silver Weasel

…ooh, shiny

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Hey, kids, it’s AD&D Monsters As Characters Week. All of these monsters live in the village of misfit monsters, Oak Hill. Our first character is the village baker.

#29: Snord the Bugbear

STR: 18
CON: 16
DEX: 11
INT: 10
WIS: 8
CHA: 8

Snord was always a bit smarter that most of the other bugbears in his tribe. It was this very intelligence that eventually got him kicked out of the tribe and chased into the wilderness. Seems the bugbear bossman knew a potential threat when he saw one.

After many days of wandering aimlessly through the wilderness, Snord happened upon the village of Oak Hill. As was their way, the other misfit monsters welcomed him and then gave him a job to do: baker’s apprentice. Snord took to the work and now, 3 years later, has become the village baker.

Snord is 8 feet tall, has tawny brown shaggy fur, long pointed ears and big green eyes. He usually wears a pair of cloth pants and an apron.

In his spare time, Snord enjoys fishing, dancing and listening to the Storyteller.

Cruisin’ For Babes In The Frozen Foods Aisle

…there’s a nip in the air. Several of ’em, in fact.

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  We’ll close out Pirates & Scoundrels Week with a true scalawag who may be a birdbrain, but he still rules the roost. Starting tomorrow: D&D Monsters As Characters Week

#28: Captain Squawky 

Main Trait: Human level intelligence
Second Trait: Flight
Third Trait: Speech

Flaws: Not much of a threat physically, no opposable thumbs

Captain Squawky is a mutant African Grey parrot who somehow absorbed theintellect of Captain Josiah Wilks…better known as Captain Satan. At the moment that Captain Satan died, his mind was transferred into his parrot, Squawky. The bird then proceeded to tell the crew how to get out of the trap that His Majesty’s Navy had laid for them. Once safely away from danger, the ill educated and very superstitious crew decided that they’d better do as Captain Squawky said and let him run the ship, lest he summon the Devil himself to drag them all to Hell. And that’s how the most feared pirate ship ever came to be captained by a parrot.

In his spare time, Captain Squawky enjoys drinking rum, eating sunflower seeds and overseeing floggings.

Doc Tempest And The Frozen Men

…from the august 1949 issue

Ooh Laa Wee, boys & girls…old Uncle Doc is pretty well tuckered out. I gardened most of the early afternoon and then, after a break to watch part of a Dirty Jobs marathon, I cooked for a few hours. Now, I’m ready to relax. But first…

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Today we have a good old fashioned Wild West highwayman/train robber…with one little secret.

#27: The Calaveras Kid 

Main Trait: Dead shot with a pistol
Second Trait: Expert rider
Third Trait: Expert escape planner

Flaws: Won’t kill, Big secret

Although his first stagecoach robberies took place near the gold mining areas of Calaveras County, California, the Kid has robbed stages, trains and unwary riders all over Eastern California and Western Nevada. Both Union Pacific and Wells Fargo have rewards out for his capture.

The Calaveras Kid is most well known for his amazing escapes from pursuing posses. His horse has got to be the fastest one alive and the Kid knows exactly what escape route to take every time. He has even gone so far as to construct makeshift bridges across canyons…bridges that collapse after he uses them. Once, he and his horse even escaped by leaping onto a moving train.

The Kid’s big secret is pretty big indeed…he’s not human. He is a robot accidentally sent back in time during a 22nd Century experiment at creating a warp drive for spacecraft. Originally designated PB213-G, the robot soon got the nickname Peebee. His neurotronic brain is capable of learning, making decisions using fuzzy logic and even of simulating emotion. Or so his builders would tell you. Peebee would tell you he is a humanoid intelligence in a biosim body.

Once he figured out that he was about 400 years in the past, Peebee decided to live out one of his favorite fantasies: Robin Hood. It took little effort to adapt it to the Wild West (Peebee liked Zorro, too) and soon, The Calaveras Kid was robbing from the rich and giving to the poor.

In his spare time, Peebee likes hanging out with humans, studying nature and experimenting with altering history.

The Count Of San Francisco

…and his name was not Edmund Dantes

Oh man, I could get used to 3 day weekends:) I slept in late, unlike my usual Sunday routine. (My biological clock is very easily reset, so I usually only sleep in late on Saturdays) 

Anyway, after sleeping in, I got up and did the whole morning thing before going out and laying in the sun for about 45 minutes. And no, I did not get sunburned. I sweated like a pig, but didn’t even get pink.

After some sun time, there was shopping and gardening. Soon will come the tomato sorting and the ever popular tomato sauce making. After that will be sleeping.

Saw an extended preview for the new superhero tv series “Heroes”, coming to NBC later this month. Looks pretty good, which no doubt means NBC will cancel it after a dozen episodes.

Went to my mom’s house yesterday and planted some new plants for her. At age 78.5, digging up new planting holes is something she leaves to younger folks:) She still does most of the other garden stuff herself.

And now, todays character…

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Oh, she’s a pirate, alright…a Toon pirate!

#26: Cap’n Priscilla Panther

Main Trait: Swashbuckling Pirate
Second Trait: Incredible Strength
Third Trait: Cosmic Shift

Flaws: Looking for a boyfriend, Always hungry for rodents or poultry

 Cap’n Panther is the scourge of the 27 Seas! (hey, it’s cartoons) Along with the crew of her ship, “The Rampaging Loon”, she sails around looking for fat merchant ships to plunder. Barring that, she will plunder skinny merchant ships, too. 

Cap’n Panther stands 6’6″ tall and has tawny brown fur, big green eyes and a mouth full of very sharp teeth. In her Back Pocket, she carries a bag of Attack Squids, a bucket of glue and a treasure map.

While any type of rodent or poultry are on her food menu, hunky looking males of almost any species are on her romance menu. And brother, she hasn’t had even a taste of romance in a long time! Be afraid…be very afraid.

In her spare time, Cap’n Panther enjoys dropping anvils, singing “The Pirates Life For Me” and making people walk the plank.

Heavy Metal Pixies

…screaming guitars and pixie dust

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  This one is very mysterious…but might make a pretty interesting NPC in most any setting.

#25: The Red Feather Thief  

Main Trait: Master Thief
Second Trait: Incredibly Smart
Third Trait: Lucky

Flaws: Always leaves a token, Will not deal with organized crime, Likes to cut it close

Almost nothing is known about The Red Feather Thief. Male? Female? Young? Not so young? Race? Looks? Nobody knows…except maybe the crew that works with him/her. What is known is that Red Feather has mad skills, plenty of smarts, and some crazy luck. And then there’s that habit of leaving a red feather at the scene of each crime. Usually, it’s the only clue the cops get. Sometimes it’s a macaw feather, sometimes it comes from a cardinal or a chicken or some other bird, but it’s always there.

Red Feather works with a crew of between 3 and 6 other thieves. Most of their jobs are residential, in upscale neighborhoods, but there is always room for the odd warehouse or business, too. At this date, they have pulled off scores in 21 of the 50 states, plus a few in Mexico and Canada.

The Mafia (and a few other criminal organizations) would like to either “recruit” Red Feather or kill her/him. Unfortunately, they not only can’t locate the Master Thief, they keep running afoul of the Feds every time they try. This is not due to any affiliation Red Feather has with the FBI, but more due to some very timely tipoffs.

In his/her spare time, The Red Feather Thief enjoys a wide variety of scholarly and hedonistic pleasures.

Little Blue and Green Ear People

…based on a true hallucination

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Well, he’s not a pirate, but he is a scoundrel of the first order. Based upon a real person.

#24: Fresno Freddie 

Main Trait: Con Man/Grifter
Second Trait: Disarmingly likable
Third Trait: Ladies Man

Flaws: Excessive loyalty to family, Fear of flying

Frederick “Fresno Freddie” Hagajanian was born of an Armenian father and a Portuguese mother in Fresno, California in 1911. By age 12 he was running with the wrong crowd and by the time he was 16, he was working with a husband and wife team of grifters in the Los Angeles area. By the time of the Great Depression, he was an accomplished con man and remains one today.

Freddie does it all: long cons, pigeon drops, real estate rackets, wealthy widow scams, badger games, stock swindles…you name it, he does it. Since 1942, he has worked with his wife, Hildy, and his best friend, Jack. In recent years, they have stuck to the West Coast, but every so often they travel to other states where “the greed is wide and the money is deep”.

Altho Freddie once plied his trade in Europe, he has not been there in years, mostly due to his fear of flying. As for his other flaw…well, Freddie would be alot richer if he weren’t constantly shovelling money to his less than smart relatives and in laws.

In his spare time, Freddie enjoys staying in fine hotels, eating fine food and telling grifter stories to young people.