Handsome Joe Finds A Dinosaur Bone

…probably from an iguanadon

Hey! Look! Saturday’s post TODAY!

365 People, Places & Things #117

Some potions are easy to make, but use hard to get ingredients.

Potions: Salve Of Protection From All Types Of Fire

Ingredients

1 quart of fresh dragon sperm, not to be more than 2 hours out of the dragon.
1 quart of summer breeze collected at high noon on midsummers day from Doom Hill in the Valley of the Death Spiders
1 tablespoon of sweat from the brow of Asmodeus
A pinch of hair taken from the back of a living dire wolf
1 cup of water from the bottom of the Lake of the Crocodile King
1 small glass of white wine from the wine cellar of the Sultan of Pajmodar
1 pound of hydra fat

Combine all ingredients into a pot fashioned from the skull of a freshly killed mountain giant.

Heat to boiling while reciting “The Saga Of Nurrin Ard” in the original Old Dwarvish.

Boil for 3 hours, then allow to cool and congeal.

Apply to your entire body while still warm. Do not bath for 9 days after.

You are now immune to all forms of fire for the next 10 days.

Zoe & Chloe, The Magical Voles

…and their adventure in the big castle

Ok, here is the entry for Friday, because I may not be online or able to use this laptop all weekend.

365 People, Places & Things #116

Ok, this one is pretty gross.

Potions: Potion Of Necromantic Power

Ingredients

3 well rotted human or demihuman brains
The freshly chopped heart of an evil man
1 gallon of swamp water collected in the heart of the Great Poisoned Swamp.
9 drops of tincture of arsenic
1 cup of corpse pus
27 drops of your own blood
27 drops of vampire blood
1 pound of zombie flesh (child zombie preferred)

Spend 7 hours wallowing in the filth and gore of a scene of recent multiple deaths.

Light a large fire at 1 minute after midnight. Burn only the wood of coffins.

In a cursed cauldron, combine all ingredients.

Bring to a simmer and stir for an hour, all the while thinking of the havoc you will cause with your new power.

Increase heat until a boil is reached. Reduce liquid to 25% of original volume.

Remove from heat and begin the Chant Of Undeath.

As soon as you finish the Chant, drink all of the liquid.

Adventure Module J1: Assault Upon The Poorly Guarded Barn Of The Scrub Giants

…first in the Scrub Giants epic campaign

365 People, Places & Things #115

Arcane potion or tasty beverage? You decide.

Potions: Invisibility Potion

Ingredients

1 gallon of dogberry juice
1 gallon of 180 proof grain alcohol
1 gallon mint tea that was slow brewed in a copper kettle heated by the fire of burning owl nests
6 teaspoons of chopped trollweed that was picked at midnight on a moonless night
7 teeth from a viper
1 cup sugar
1 lump of gold the size of a green pea

In a barrel constructed from aged oak and built by a blind Gnome, mix the dogberry juice, the alcohol and the tea. Do not stir!

Let it sit for 11 hours, during which time you will chant over it every 48 minutes, but only for 1 minute 12 seconds.

Add the trollweed and stir in a figure 8 manner for 3 minutes.

Add the viper teeth, the lump of gold and the sugar.

Standing next to the barrel, recite your favorite dirty limerick.

Stir with a glass spoon for 6 minutes.

Strain it into half gallon bottles, seal them and store them in a dark cool place.

Makes 108 doses.

She Liked To Dance Where The Ice Was Thinnest

…and she danced all night

Hey! HEYYYYYY!!! It’s Potions Week and we don’t need no steenking Severus Snape!

365 People, Places & Things #114

Let’s start off with an easy potion that anyone can make in the safety of their enchanted tower laboratory.

Potions: The Elixir Of Shrinking

Ingredients

1 cup mouse toenail clippings
1 teaspoon black rose petals
1 teaspoon fig syrup cooked under a quarter moon
2 gallons water
1 ½ cups white wine
3 drops of pixie sweat

Combine water and wine in a 5 gallon cast iron cauldron that has been washed in ice water three times. Place on a fire made of olive wood logs. Bring to a rolling boil.

Using a clean spoon carved from the thigh bone of a yak, stir in the toenail clippings, rose petals and fig syrup. Always stir counter clockwise for precisely 27 stirs.

Reduce to a simmer.

Remove your clothing and dance the Dwarven Three Step for 5 minutes.

Add the pixie sweat and stir rapidly in a clockwise direction for 33 stirs.

Allow potion to cool to air temperature overnight, then spend the next day reducing it to 1/10 volume.

Cool and store in a stoneware bottle.

Makes 6 doses.

Attack Of The 50 Ft. Foot

…double featured with “I was A Teenage CPA”

YAY! I now finish “The Rise Of The…” week! Starting tomorrow: Potions Week!

365 People, Places & Things #113

Hmmm, six risings covered, yet I get the feeling I’ve forgotten something. What could it be? Oh, wait, I know!

The Rise Of The…: Zombies!

Ok, so this is how the Big Zombie Rising of 2010 went…

1: North Korean biological weapons lab blows up, killing tens of thousands who rise up 6 hours later and start killing and eating the living.

2: The virus spreads on the wind and through zombie bites or scratches. It might also have been spread by animals or birds, who are unaffected by it.

3: Zombies everywhere. Lots of panic…at first.

4: Everybody with a gun or a baseball bat or a hockey stick or a piece of pipe takes up the sport called “Bash The Zombie Heads”. Additionally, many folks set them on fire, crush them with heavy equipment, drop heavy things on them, cover them in cement and find other creative ways to stop them. In areas near volcanoes, zombies were often lead to a fiery death in the caldera.

5: The animal world joins the fun! Everything that eats dead flesh starts filling up on McZombie. Even animals that don’t eat flesh do their part, such as the herds of elephants in Africa and India that took every opportunity to trample the walking dead. Packs of pit bulls and other canines did their part, too.

6: By the time winter came around, zombies were pretty scarce, but those in northern climes froze solid, making for easy destruction. Zombies in the tropics were gone in the first couple of weeks of the rising.

7: Once things got back to normal, crematoriums started popping up like Starbucks. Additionally, almost everyone bought some version of the RonCo Brain Buster, to use on loved ones who kicked the bucket. Just press the power drill looking device up to the back of poor old Uncle Joe’s head, pull the trigger and it punctures the skull and whips the brain into mush. No rising up for Uncle Joe!

8: Zombies pretty much disappeared from books, movies, video games and other media once it was known how wussy they really were.

Do You Like My Cupcakes, She Asked

…and he told her he liked them just fine

365 People, Places & Things #112

They not only outnumber us, they live in and around our homes! We are so screwed!

The Rise Of The…: Animals!

In our year of 521 AD, the science research starship N’murix suffered a terminal compromise of both Neutronic Plasmodifiers and blew up. Large sections of the ship flew off into space in all directions at .65% of lightspeed. In our year of 1690 AD, the section that had housed the genetic experimentation laboratory crashed into the Amazon rain forest. It was only slightly larger than a two story home and very little survived the impact, except for Vial 30.

Vial 30 contained a virus that had been created for use on some of the many animals that the N’murix had gathered from various Terran ecosystems in 368 AD. When it broke open, the virus was released into our atmosphere. It was on that day that the rise of the animals truly began.

The virus affected every mammal species on earth. Certain types of birds, most notable parrots ravens & their kin and raptors were also altered. No reptiles, fish or invertebrates were affected. Every species the virus touched became much more intelligent. Even more importantly, they could all communicate telepathically. Oddly, this did not change species behavior. Predators still ate prey and everyone was cool with that because it was the way of Nature. No, the animals had other things to think about: the Human Problem.

After the better part of a century of discussion and planning, the animals decided to straighten the humans out and get them back in line with Nature’s Plan. On February 9th, 1808, the animals struck.

Humans who mistreated animals were killed. Humans who destroyed habitat were forced to live in very bad conditions for a few years. Humans who poisoned the air or water or soil were forced to live in filth. Humans who understood Nature’s Way, which was almost entirely the so called “primitive savages” of many lands, were allowed and encouraged to live as they always had, in harmony with the land.

Cities were dismantled, dams destroyed, forests replanted and the world was slowly set right, except for a very few spots where humans were allowed to live and devote themselves to learning and invention. After about 4 or 5 generations, humans stopped rebelling and started learning how to live properly. Now, in the year 2010, the world is a much happier and cleaner place.

Minty Fresh Death

…what?

Hey! The first of THREE 365 posts for today! I hope.

365 People, Places & Things #111

This one is kind of like “X Men”, but without any tension breaking humor, romance or sexy costumes.

The Rise Of The…: Mutants!

Possibly the first recorded instance of mutant powers came on September 8th, 1960, when a teenage girl in a small town in northern India. She became very upset at the arranged marriage that her parents had brokered with a 64 year old man. In the middle of the argument, she started to run away and a few seconds later found herself in the coastal city of Surat, many hundreds of miles from home. She eventually realized that she could run at super speed and became a champion of women’s rights in her country.

By 1963, there were thousands of known mutants around the world. Many governments tried to capture and imprison them. This was doomed to failure because certain telepathic mutants were searching for others with strange powers and once they located them, they arranged jailbreaks. The former soviet union is littered with destroyed prisons and laboratories due to these efforts. In the United States, a 3,000 acre area of North Dakota is still fenced off and heavily guarded. Nobody believes the “toxic chemical spill” cover story.

At first, the mutants pretty much emulated the superheroes and villains of the comic books, but that didn’t last more than a couple of years. The problem was that most of them weren’t evil and none of them liked fighting other mutants. Around 1967, the last costumed mutants went back to wearing street clothes. They did not, however, go back to leading normal lives.

The Mutant Alliance Conference of 1969 was held in Paris, France and was attended by 35,000 mutants. This was estimated to be 80% of the world’s mutant population at the time. No normal humans were allowed within 500 feet of the mutant created conference center and a soviet attempt to detonate a nuclear device went horribly wrong when said device was teleported to the basement of the Kremlin.

The upshot of the conference was that the mutants decided to divide up the planet into areas of control and teach or force humans to live in peace. They all agreed this was going to be an uphill fight and, indeed, it was. Things did get easier once all the standing armies and navies were gone, but they still had to go so far as destroying all guns and other armaments in 1974.

Looking back, they did a pretty good job, but if they had known that mutant power awakenings were increasing exponentially among preteen children, they could have saved themselves a bunch of trouble.

So here we are, in 2010 with a world population of two billion mutants and a billion and a half standard humans. The world is much cleaner and more peaceful and all told, a more productive and happy place. And that goes for Mars, the Moon, all of the colony ships and the asteroid belt, too. All hail our mutant masters!