The Professional Newsletter Writer’s Newsletter

…all the news that fits in a newsletter

The Doclopedia #1,161

A Hand Full Of…: Gold

“Holy shit, Jimmy, that’s gold! A real gold bar! It must have been left behind when the old mine closed down in 1884. Holy shit!

Let me hold it. Man, it’s heavy, isn’t it? How much do you think it’s worth? NO WAY! $900 an OUNCE! Shit, this has to weigh 2 or 3 pounds! We’re rich, dude! WOOHOO!

Man, I’m gonna but that new X Box and a shitload of games. And a big screen TV! And…what? No, I don’t know why the mine closed. What the hell does…Indian curse? 20 dead miners? Oh, fuck you, Jimmy! You don’t believe that shit, do you? Fuckin’ dead Indian zombies! What crazy bullshit!

Anyway, we can buy cars! Cool cars! And you know what that means…GIRLS! Man, I’d like to get in the back seat with…wait, did you hear that?”

The Doclopedia #1,162

A Hand Full Of…: Science!

Ok, so, right…my name is doctor Neil Case and I’m making this video to record the effects of my nanobots on curing cancer. I know you all are watching this, Janos, and I apologize to you and the team for not waiting for the approval of human trials, but the cancer is spreading. If I wait, I won’t be around to see the start of trials.

So, I’m injecting the nanobots now. No discomfort other than getting stuck with the needle. I’ve programmed the bots to remove the cancer while rebuilding the good cells and optimizing them for good health. They’re going to need building materials, so I’ve eaten a huge meal and taken several vitamin & mineral supplements. To tell you the truth, I could use a nap. I’ll leave the cameras on. Talk to you later.

Whew! That was a good nap. Lasted…holy crap! 15 hours? What the hell?

I feel good, better than I have in weeks. I…WOAH! WOAH! Look at me! Oh shit oh shit oh shit! I’m younger! And I have a full head of hair! Oh shit! And I can see things clearly without my glasses!

Oh wow…the optimization! They’re taking it to all of me. Gotta run tests! Shit, now I’m wishing I’d told you guys. I can only do a few tests myself. Ok, gotta call Janos and Maria and Bob and…woah! I think my dick is bigger.”

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Are You Ready To Enter The Kingdom Of Godzilla?

…welcome back, big guy. we missed you.

 

The Doclopedia #1,159

A Hand Full Of…: Dwiff

Oh yes, your Most High Skondorf, that is indeed dwiff, straight from the Cliffs of Ooon. The Thrice Blessed Kelldorn, Feemis Feev, went out and personally slew many lowgs and roozards to get to the Cliffs and obtain it for you.

Yes, Highest One, the blue-green dwiff is the most highly prized. The amount you have in your hand must easily be twice that which the War of Clards and Haavesses was fought over.

Now, in order to use the dwiff properly in the Ritual of Hizic Cleansing and Heavenly Ascendance, we must sacrifice three of your favorite pleems and tattoo the names of your ancestors onto your aanveg and your klurts. After that, we will bathe you in skleb oil and then dust you with the dwiff. Only then can we begin the Ritual.”

The Doclopedia #1,160

A Hand Full Of…: Pixie Poop

Gods damn their eyes! Those two pixies, who were SO polite and helpful, each shit in my hand! They did it so fast, then flew off, that I couldn’t react!

Stop laughing! Ertix, I swear I’ll shove that wand up your skinny ass! Walten, I’ll drop kick you back to your mines! It’s not funny!

How could two 4 inch high creatures hold so much shit? I can’t wipe it off and it smells terrible. Fuck you, you little green bastards! If I ever see the two of you again, I’ll squash you!

What’s that, wizard? A great good deed? Just to get pixie crap off my hand? Sonofabitch! Well, let me get a glove on this hand and we’ll go find a dragon to slay or an army of the undead to stop. Gods, this stuff is wet and warm and…stop laughing, you assholes!”