The Rare And Beautiful Squealing Lizards Of Potawango Island

…they drop out of trees onto your head

 

The Doclopedia #1,119

A Child’s Book Of…: Aliens

A few excerpts:

BALROGIANS are named after the Balrog from “Lord of the Rings, but they are not evil at all. Standing 15 feet tall, the Balrogians are sometimes referred to as the “Gardeners of the Galaxy” because they are masters of tending plant life.

Balrogians come from the Fentarus system, which is 350 light years from earth. They have muscular bodies, red and black skin, no hair and big horns. They can only speak to other sapients using a Universal Translator because they normally communicate in the subsonic range.

There are 320 Balrogians living on Earth. Most of them are studying Terran Botany.

GOOOODAKDAKDAKS come from the two largest gas giants orbiting Morax Alpha. They somewhat resemble Terran jellyfish, but are much larger. The biggest among them are 15 meters across and 45 meters long.

The Goooodakdakdaks have little in the way of advanced technology, but are masters of mathematics, philosophy, organic chemistry (which they can do within themselves) and a type of art called “gas sculpture”.

Only a very few Goooodakdakdaks have ever left their home system. To do this requires enormous and expensive ships and at least 7 Goooodakdakdaks to travel together. Currently, they are looking into colonizing gas giants in other systems.

NOATIANS are native to the planet Hargivar, which is currently experiencing an ice age. The primitive Noatians live near the edge of the great ice sheets and are hunter gatherers who do a bit of farming (mostly tubers) during the short spring and summer.

Noatians look remarkably human and are 87% genetically compatible with Terran humans. It is believed that they might be descended from humans traken from Earth by the First Races.

Teaching Betty To Bop

…wop a loo bop!

 

The Doclopedia #1,114

The Alphabet: X is for…

Xorolxee…

…is an earth-like planet located 300 light years from Earth. It orbits a yellow star slightly (2% larger) than our own and is the fourth planet in a system of 10. Like Earth, it has a large moon and plenty of water (65% of the planetary surface). Xorolxee is about 10% larger than Earth.

Xorolxee is a warmer world than ours and teams with life of all sorts. The 4 large continents each have very distinct species that inhabit everything from polar icecaps to steaming jungles to enormous deserts. It is a mystery to scientists that most of the land based lifeforms on Xorolxee are smaller than a small cow. There are no land based lifeforms larger than a water buffalo. The oceans are another matter, because there you will find several lifeforms that could swallow a blue whale in one gulp.

Xorolxee has no sentient lifeforms. There are some indications that civilization existed once, but these await further exploration to prove that.

The Doclopedia #1,115

The Alphabet: Y is for…

Yark…

…or, as the gnomes refer to him, Yark the Most Dangerous. This is a fitting name for the most accident prone gnome inventor of all time. In his short 40 year life, Yark was responsible for the destruction of a gnomish town (mechanical wheat harvester malfunctioned), a war (clockwork soldiers went berserk), a volcanic eruption (mechanical “mole” could not be controlled) and the sinking of an entire island (sonic ditch digger overloaded). Those are just a few of his many screw ups.

Yark was finally killed by one of his inventions (a magical powered mechanical fruit picker) on a summer day in 1409. Gnomes and other intelligent races celebrated his demise.

 

The Doclopedia #1,116

The Alphabet: Z is for…

Zally Z. Zmith…

…chose to spell her name that way just to be different. When she turned 18, she had it legally changed to that spelling. She then went on to live a pretty bohemian lifestyle for the next 22 years.

On her 40th birthday, the alien Zigzz invaded earth. They made Zally their Queen because she was the only human with a proper sounding name.

 

Zally was a benevolent and beloved Queen of All Earth for the next 65 years.

The Fattest Mouse Gets Eaten First

…and other proverbs

The Doclopedia #1,101

The Alphabet: K is for…

Kangaroo Uprising

 

…that’s what it was, mate! The bloody Kangs rose up against the Koalas and Wombats, trying to take control of Australia. It was a damned close thing at first, what with the Cockatoos and Wallabys on their side and us with only the Platypuses and Kookaburras. Two years it went on, and many died on both sides before we got the Emus, Dingoes and Birds of Prey on our side.

After that, it weren’t long before the Kangs gave up and things got sorted out by the politicians. Now, three generations on, we’re all right, mate. Of course, the humans all got wiped out, but there never were many of those blokes anyway.

K’vek

…was an alien of the K’or Dishi race who had the unfortunate luck of straying too near Fantasy Earth 43, where magic prevented any technology greater than the simplest clockwork mechanisms. His small spacecraft shut down and he was barely able to guide it into a crash landing in a large alpine lake.

Escaping with his life and nothing more, K’vek started exploring this strange world. Since he looked somewhat like a large flightless bird with arms instead of wings, he stayed hidden from the dominant sentient races. Fortunately, he could eat this planet’s animals and plants, so starvation was not a worry.

Eventually, K’vek was found by a young mage who had detected an “otherworldly presence” using a spell of detection. After some tense moments, they were able to converse and learned much about each other. The mage, one Terulin by name, invited the alien to come stay at his home, an invitation K’vek was happy to accept.

Over the years, the two became close friends and Terulin explained K’vek to the outside world as “a rather successful experiment in polymorphing”. Using K’vek’s advanced abilities at mentally computing probabilities and chemistry, they sent parties of adventurers out on many successful missions, making all involved quite wealthy.

K’vek died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 187. Terulin, only a few months from death himself, used his wizardly skills to create statues of himself and his old friend. These huge crystal statues still stand unchanged amidst the ancient ruins of Castle Terulin.

Slippery Dugongs Mocked My Weasels

…they were so sad:(

 

The Doclopedia #1,029

For A Good Time, Call…: Joey The Bug

When visiting Outland Station 5 for the first time, the neophyte traveler (and even a good many experienced travelers) will find it advantageous to seek out the well known local character known as Joey the Bug.

Joey is indeed an insectoid, a member of the HrroooOnnn race. Resembling a cross between an ant and a beetle, he’s the fellow who knows how to find what you need, be it a good place to eat & drink, reliable transport out into the Frontier or any of several other services.

(NOTE: The author and publisher of this guide do not condone any activities that violate Galactic Law.)

Joey’s rates are fair and, in many cases, negotiable. He prefers to be paid in Galactic Creds, but will not turn down gems, precious metals, Telk Spice, live feeth or other valuable items.

(NOTE: The author and publisher of this guide do not condone the possession or trading of materials or devices forbidden by Galactic Law.)

To find Joey the Bug, go to the Oxmium Saloon of the corner of 333rd Street and Yurn War Avenue. Tell any bartender there that you are looking for Joey, then order a Novarian Ale and wait.

Doc Tempest And The Curse Of The Vampire’s Tomb

…from the June, 1948 issue

 

The Doclopedia #1,015

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Baker

 

On Earth 20, Fred Baker was an actor, famous for his roles in such movies as “They Came From Jupiter”, “Attack Of The Killer Turtles” and “The Incredible Growing Man”. In those and nearly 100 other science fiction films made between 1949 and 1973, Fred usually played scientists, cops, military men or government officials. He never got the girl, but he did get to be killed by the monsters or aliens pretty often. Fred loved his work and his fans.

 

Fred got his first break in movies as a teenager back in 1939, playing “Billy the Newsboy” in “Murder On Broadway”. He continued doing bit parts until Pearl Harbor was attacked, at which point he enlisted in the Army and served in Europe and Africa.

 

After the war, Fred went back to movies and started his career as the “King of the Sci Fi Movies”, though to be fair, he also did horror movies, westerns and crime dramas. In 1973, Fred was cast as the tough but fair Judge Manwell in the Oscar winning movie “A New Life”. He won the Best Supporting Oscar and his career took a big jump, which he rather regretted, since the calls to act in cheapo movies stopped.

 

In 1991, on his 70th birthday, Fred quit acting in movies to accept the job of movie host for the brand new NBC series “Saturday Night Creature Feature”. His good humor, encyclopedic knowledge of genre movies and ability to get great guests made the show immensely popular and won 5 Emmy awards. He hosted the show for 20 years, retiring at age 90.

 

Fred died at the age of 106. His grave is always decorated with tributes from his fans.

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The Doclopedia #1,016

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Li

 

Fred Li was just an ordinary citizen of San Francisco, California on Earth 9. He ran a small herbalist shop with his brother, Ken. He was a nice guy.

 

But at night, Fred would drink the ancient herbal mixture that turned him into Dragon Man, the crime fighting scourge of the Bay Area criminal world. Believing more in Justice than the Law, Dragon Man didn’t often leave crooks alive. Even when he did, the sight of a 7 foot tall fire breathing lizard man didn’t leave the criminals sane enough to do much talking. Screaming, yes. Talking, no.

 

After about 40 years fighting crime, Fred retired and passed the family business on to his nephew, Rick. Dragon Man lives on.

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The Doclopedia #1,017

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Antonelli

 

A hard working truck driver, Fred Antonelli had a pretty average life. Married, 4 kids, house in Queens, voted Republican, member of the Knights of Columbus. Just your ordinary guy. The only thing that got Fred Antonelli included on this list was his alien abduction.

 

See, the conquering alien race known as the Florb, landed on a dark stretch of road in western Iowa in order to examine a typical human. When Fred drove up in his truck, they zapped him unconscious and took him inside their vessel to examine him.

 

Imagine their surprise when Fred came to just as they laid him on the table! Picture them getting the shit kicked out of them by a scared and pissed off 200 pound, six foot two inch Italian who grew up in a rough neighborhood! Think about Fred getting off the ship and watching it make a wobbly takeoff as the seven busted up crewmen tried to get the hell off Earth!

 

Now picture the ship crash landing into the deepest part of the Atlantic Ocean, where is rests to this day, it’s crew long dead. Having heard nothing from their scouts, the Florb went on to their next and last target world, the Klingon homeworld. Bad choice, that.

 

Fred never told anybody about his experience, but he stopped making fun of UFO nuts.

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The Doclopedia #1,018

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Slovardnik

 

All Fred Slovardnik ever did was invent HelperBots. You know, those little robots that come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and do all sorts of jobs for us that we used to do. The robots that cook our meals and walk our dogs and rub our feet and lube our cars and wipe our bottoms. Where would we be without them?

 

We’d tell you more about Fred, but when he became the wealthiest man in the solar system, he had his past erased and started living in seclusion in Tahiti, which he owns.

 

Curse Of The Devil Newts

…the lead story in Strange Amphibian Tales

The Doclopedia #987

Poultry That Saved The Day: The Goose Who Stopped The Aliens      Genre: Humor

On April 21st, 1961, the alien race known as the ReeEEn came to Earth in 50 interstellar war craft that each measured two miles across and were bristling with weapons. It took them less than a day to destroy ALL the world’s military might and another day to wipe out the 10 largest cities, just to drive home the point of who was now in control. The main starship hovered over Washington, DC, and the Grand High Leader of the ReeEEn was beamed down to officially accept the surrender of the world leaders who had been told to assemble there. The ReeEEn, who looked sort of like 5 foot tall ants made out of dry leaves, initiated a Universal Translator so everyone could understand what was being said. This is the only reason we know what happened next.

Just as the Grand High Leader was finishing his “You Are Now Our Slaves” speech, a very large gray goose wandered onto the White House lawn. The following conversation was recorded by television crews.

GHL (who began a violent shaking, as did his retinue): “ACK! GAH! A Yundor!”

Goose (honking while looking at the ReeEEn suspiciously): “What are you? You look like food!”

GHL (his retinue has now begun wailing in terror): “Oh, Mighty Member of the Yundor Empire, we had no idea that you had already claimed this planet! Please, accept our apologies!”

Goose (sounding much more aggressive as it advances on the ReeEEn): “You are strange things! I do not think I like you. I will see if you are good to eat!”

GHL & retinue (while collapsing flat on the ground and screaming): “Please, spare us, Great One! We shall make restitution to these beings! We shall make GENEROUS restitution!”

Goose (tries to pull a few of the “leaves” off of the ReeEEn, then apparently gets angry with them): “Blechh! You taste bad. I do not like you! I shall bite you and hurt you until you leave me territory. I shall tell others of my kind to hurt you and all that look like you.”

At this point, at least 5 ReeEEn apparently die of fright and the rest release what scientist later decide was their version of excrement. The GHL gives a command and every one of the ReeEEn is beamed up to the ship.

Within a month, the ReeEEn had rebuilt all of the destroyed cities and replaced each countries military with a single 100 foot tall WarBot. Unfortunately, the WarBots were designed to respond to the language of geese and so could never be used by humans due to them not having a Universal Translator.

When everything was put right, the ReeEEn left a fully functional space station and ready to use bases on the moon, then flew their ships into the sun, destroying them.

The goose, who actually was the pet of a family that lived about two miles from the White House, was honored by the entire world and every country forbid the harming, killing or eating of geese. When the final report of the ReeEEn was sent back to the Galactic Union, Earth was declared off limits for at least 1,000 years.

Rabbi Bob Goes On A Road Trip With A Turtle

…and two strippers from North Beach

 

The Doclopedia #948

Pie!: Chicken Pot Pie

Ah yes, a most delicious chicken pot pie, don’t you agree? Branwell, please convey our pleasure with dinner to Mrs. Zelogny. And ask Walton to set out the reserve brandy.

Now, my friends, let us adjourn to my workshop where I shall fulfill my promise for this evening by showing you my Temporal Conveyance Engine. Using it, we shall open a passage between our own year of 1891 AD and the year 1056 BC. I believe you will find it most enlightening.

Why of course, Nigel, I can have Mrs. Zelogny pack up a pot pie for my bachelor brother! Now, as for why the year 1056 BC was chosen, it all has to do with certain temporal weaknesses inherent to these grounds…”

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The Doclopedia #949

Pie!: Ollywox Pie

Today on Cooking For Gorvoons we’ll be making Ollywox Pie, a worldwide favorite that originated in the Zarinar Republic several centuries ago and quickly spread during the Jarib Uprising. The big secret to making a great Ollywox Pie is a light flaky crust and very ripe ollywox fruits. By very ripe, we mean extremely soft and squishy. The best way to insure this level of ripeness is to purchase the fruits green, then put them in a warm dark place for a couple of moon phases. Now, as for the crust, you’ll want to use good flour and cold cubes of Tarfu Lard…”