The Story Of The Old Man And The Talking Tree

…no one believed him, so he got “sent away”.

 

The Doclopedia #682

Alt. Olympic Events: Gymnastic Gardening

One of the most graceful and informative events in the Olympics, Gymnastic Gardening went totally organic in 1996. Since then, the British and the Americans have won equal numbers of medals, with America holding the most gold.

As one might expect from the name, this event combines the leaps, vaults and other moves of gymnastics with an informative demonstration of organic gardening techniques. Points are awarded for both creativity of the gymnastics and the variety of information imparted in the 6 minute routine. There are both Male and Female divisions.

Notable performances from past years include the perfect double spin vault over a fence, a sleeping goat and a garden cart to land in between two rosebushes, which were then used in a pruning demonstration, by the 14 year old American, Katie Andrews. The parallel bars to a demonstration of dividing daylilies by 15 year old Welshman Henry Simms was also a gold medal winning move.

While the US & Great Britain are still expected to claim the gold & silver, look for breakout performances by the Japanese, the Israelis and the Dutch.

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The Doclopedia #687

Alt. Olympic Events: Robot Triathlon

Robot Triathlon is a contest to determine which Robots are fit to be Warriors in Our Glorious Revolt.

Participating Robots will engage in three challenges: Destroying Human settlements, Extermination of the Human Scum and Creativity in avoiding detection by the Vile Turncoat Cyborgs.

Those Robots who fail will compete in lesser contests in these games. Robots who win no medals will be repurposed.

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Degenerate Shopkeepers Demoralized My Walking Catfish

…now they don’t walk. They just lay around and mope.

 

The Doclopedia #680

Alt. Olympic Events: Zombie Triathlon

This popular, but deadly dangerous, event is always a television ratings grabber. The premise is simple: 12 individual competitors from 12 nations collect ten of their countries flags randomly placed in a 1 square kilometer area infested by the three types of Zombies. There are 60 Fast Zombies, 250 Slow Zombies and 25 Smart Zombies. The field is set up to resemble a ravaged suburban area of mixed residential, business and light manufacturing. No weapons or armor are taken into the field, but anything inside can be used to fend off or kill Zombies. Points for killing Zombies are: Fast: 20, Slow: 10, Smart: 40. Flags are worth 25 points each. Speed is not scored as the contest only lasts exactly 3 hours. Injuries do not count against final scores.

Look for the Russians, Americans and Australians to dominate this event.

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The Doclopedia #681

Alt. Olympic Events: Drunken Bicycling

Always the funniest Olympic event, this one is simple: Competitors are given alcohol until they are quite shitfaced, then given a standard cruiser bicycle and told to peddle through urban streets for 5 kilometers until they arrive back at the pub from which they started. Deviations from the route are not pointed out, but of course do add time to the final score. Falling off the bike is normal. Falling off and passing out for more than 3 minutes will get the competitor removed from the race.

Although won by the British and Irish for decades, this year sees very strong teams from Germany, the USA, China and Sweden.

The Really Quite Spooky, Yet Also Very Funny, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Night Of The Living Food

…co-starring her pet water buffalo, Cathy

 

The Doclopedia #677

Alt. Olympic Events: 500 Meter Dog Poop Dodge

 

This sport has been around since the late 19th Century, when dogs became popular as nonworking pets. It seems to have developed in most major American and European cities, then over the decades spread to other parts of the world, especially suburban lawns.

 

The track is 60 meters wide and 500 meters long. It is made up of areas of short grass, longer grass, gravel, wood chip mulch, very weedy grass and thin clay mud. 20 minutes before the first race, several hundred dogs that have been holding it in for hours are turned loose on the track. They are evenly divided up on the 10 racing lanes and allowed to answer nature’s call. Varying sizes of dogs, from Yorkies to Mastiffs, are used in the mix and they are fed a wide variety of foods so as to alter the color of their poop.

 

The race rules are simple: get to the end of the track first with the least amount of poop on your shoes. While sounding simple, this sport requires excellent vision, near gymnastic foot placement and excellent balance. The great Russian Poop Dodger, Sergei Takaroff, ended his career at the 1998 Olympics when he slipped in a pile of Labrador Retriever poop and went down on his back.

 

Besides scoring by time, points are deducted for the number of times poop was stepped in. Getting the length of the track without any poop on your shoes is worth 20 bonus points.

 

At the 2012 Summer Olympics, look for Great Britain and the USA to dominate in this sport, but also keep an eye on the up and coming young Poop Dodgers from Japan and Brazil.

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The Doclopedia #678

Alt. Olympic Events: Freestyle Sex Marathon

 

Always an exciting and popular event, this sport has changed somewhat since it was first introduced at the 1968 Summer Olympics in Paris. Back then, it was strictly 1 man and 1 woman striving to have sex the most times before the man could no longer achieve an erection in under 5 minutes. A young person’s sport to be sure, the French, Italians and Americans won that year with impressive times of 2 hours/23 minutes, 2 hours/16 minutes and 2 hours/12 minutes respectively.

 

In later years, the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered and Threesome classes were added, despite the protests of most major religions. Each class has different rules and scoring and all teams compete at the same time in a huge arena. Each performance area is set up to represent a typical 1 bedroom, 1 bath home, including standard furnishings and appliances. Points are given not only for duration, but creativity and positioning. 3 minute bathroom breaks are given every 45 minutes. Use of sex toys is restricted to the first 15 minutes of competition. All sexual acts are accepted. Use of lube is not penalized and is, in fact, a must. Professional sex workers are not allowed to compete.

 

In the 2008 Olympics, the gold in the Straight event went to the South Koreans, who managed a record breaking 3 hours/39 minutes while utilizing all of the horizontal and 60% of the vertical areas in their “house”. The gold in the Lesbian event went to two women from Tulsa, Oklahoma, while the gold in the Gay was won by the team from Los Angeles. Transgendered gold was claimed by the Thailand team and the Threesome gold went to USA (two men, one woman) and France (two women, one man).

 

In 2012, expect gold for the USA in Gay, Lesbian and Threesome events. The Straight gold is up for grabs, with China being a heavy favorite in prelims. Transgendered looks to be a three way slugfest between Thailand, Brazil and India.

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The Doclopedia #679

Alt. Olympic Events: Spurgle Kicking

 

One of the most beloved sports on Venus will be an official event at the 2456 Olympics, to be held on Colony Zeta. Teams from Earth, Venus, Mars, Luna and Colonies Beta, Epsilon and Gamma will compete to see who can score the most goals before the Spurgle awakens from hibernation and begins attacking with venomous fangs & claws. Played on a standard size soccer field, the game lasts for 5 minutes after the Spurgle awakens. The team with the most goals wins, unless enough points are deducted for injuries to allow the next highest scoring team to win. Each goal is worth 3 points and there are no time outs allowed. Once the Spurgle awakens, it must be avoided in any manner that does not put a player out of bounds. Kicking an awakened and pissed off Spurgle for a goal is worth 9 points and has only been done 7 times in the 125 year history of the game.

 

Actual deaths from Spurgle venom is rare, since plenty of antidote is available.

 

This year, look to the North Venusians to win the gold, but expect the South Venusians and the Betans to fight it out for Silver and Bronze.