Chapter 134: In Which Our Hero, Forced To Wear A Suit Made Of Feathers, Must Free Young Kate From The French

…and she’s allergic to feathers

The Doclopedia #1,383

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Cat Tree

Why give your cats some plywood and shag carpet monstrosity to play/sleep on when you can give them an actual, living, cat tree? Thanks yo modern genetic manipulation, these 7 foot tall trees grow very well indoors and have plenty of wide horizontal branches for kitty to lounge on. The trunk of the tree naturally develops hollows that cats can hide in! The tree also gives off a lovely scent that both cats and humans enjoy. Best of all, it sheds very few leaves each year, making clean up a breeze! Available at pet megastores and garden stores everywhere. Only $59.95 and it comes with a 5 year guarantee!

The Doclopedia #1,384

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Egg Slicer

Be truthful, have you ever tried to slice any egg larger than a chicken egg in an egg slicer? You can’t do it! But with this new adjustable egg slicer, you can slice duck eggs, turkey eggs, goose eggs, ostrich eggs, even Triceratops eggs! Just adjust the holding tray, then bring down the custom titanium wire slicer and BINGO, perfectly sliced eggs every time! Available everywhere for only $22.50!

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We’ve Got Minks In The Pickle Barrel!

…GODDAMNIT! A whole barrel of pickles, ruined!

The Doclopedia #1,381

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Melon Baller

If you like sports, then you need a melon baller! Just place any melon into it, select the type of ball you want and press the button. In just2 to 4 minutes the outside of any melon can look like any ball, from a golf ball to a basketball. Great for those game day tailgate parties! $29.99 at most stores. Buy one this month and get the Autographer attachment, normally $19.95. for only $10.00!

The Doclopedia #1,382

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Allen Wrench

No matter if Allen is your first, last or middle name, this wrench is made for you! Using special Allen specific nanotech, this fully adjustable wrench will last a lifetime and look great doing it. And it’s only $15.00! We also have William, Robert, James, Peter, Richard and Paul wrenches for sale.

The Secret Origin Of Ian Skinner!

…one of my Patreon backers!

 

The Doclopedia #1,379

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Ice Cream Scoop

Do you love ice cream? I mean, REALLY love ice cream? Well an ice cream scoop is just what you need! This device will keep you up to date with the latest ice cream news. New flavor invented somewhere? Favorite ice cream shop having a sale? Famous celebrity declares their favorite flavor? This little gadget will give you the scoop on all that news as soon as it happens! Under $25.00 in most stores. Requires internet connection.

The Doclopedia #1,380

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Bread Box

Now you can stash your money and other valuables where no thief would ever look for them: in a moldy stale loaf of bread! Or at least a box made to LOOK that way. This quality stash box is made to resemble a large unsliced loaf of bread that has gone hard and has some greenish mold on it. No burglar in his right mind would touch it! Be safe and secure with a bread box! $19.99. includes plastic storage bag. Also available in sourdough round or French loaf.

Thuggish Prawns Humiliated My Anemone

…so I ate the little bastards

The Doclopedia #1,378

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Candles

Yes, folks, these are the direct opposite of can’tdles, those great teaching devices we use on pets, children and really stupid adults. The difference is, if you light a candle for a pet or human, it will magically reinforce the thing you want them to do, like eating their vegetables or cleaning their room or bringing the thrown ball back to you or voting for somebody other than a fucking fascist. You can buy these at 3 for $10.00 in most magic shops.

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