The Nuclear Prawn Cannon

…and other stories

Today was, for the most part, a lazy day. I did no gardening, no chores, nothing of any major importance. Hell, I didn’t even step outside the house until 2:30 when I took a 2 mile walk. Speaking of that, I found out that I’ve lost me edge over these past few months of not walking regularly. It took me almost 45 minutes to walk 2 miles (on hilly terrain) and I was shagged out when I got home. I’m thinking it’s gonna take me a couple of weeks of regular walking to get back up to 5 miles an hour.

In other news, next weekend is DunDraCon. We’ll be there from early Friday afternoon until Monday morning. I hope to see and hang out with some of you there.

Tomorrow night and Tuesday night, it’s the 130th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. I’ll be watching it both nights and rooting for the Basset Hounds.

I’ve annotated a few of my first LJ entries. To view them, click the tag below.

And now, bedtime!

Woke Up Ready To Rock

Recently, the Great and Powerful Robin D. Laws had a blog entry on the subject of putting ideas for novels/short stories/etc out where the public might take them and run with them. This is based on the fact that any writer (or in my case, daydreamer) will at any given time have many more ideas than he will have time or energy to deal with them.

So, my little scalawags, here are a few ideas that have spent long enough in my Humongous Box of Creativity. Do with them as you will.

1: Middle aged guy (thinking a Jim Belushi type here) gets super powers. He’s invulnerable and can fly. No super strength, X ray vision, etc. Does he become a hero? If so, how does he keep his identity secret? Does he tell his wife? How does he explain being gone at odd times? How does he use the two powers effectively? I can imagine a pretty funny movie here.

2: What if women really ARE a different species? Maybe they aren’t aware of it yet. Or maybe they are and they have secret organizations in place to hide the truth.

3: A small town in the Gold Country of Northern California is a nexus point for the strange and paranormal. Yes, this does borrow a bit from the old tv show “Eerie, Indiana”, but I see this as being played straighter and scarier.

ACK! Time for work! I’m outta here!

NOTE from 2/11/06: See, I need to do stuff like this alot more often. I get about 473 ideas every day and I could be putting them out there for y’all to marvel or laugh at.

More Reprints From The Blogger Page: The Sex Rant

WARNING!!! SEXUAL STUFF AHEAD!!!

Guys, I have something to tell you: STOP WORRYING IF YOUR DICK IS BIG ENOUGH! First off, most women will tell you that it ain’t the meat, it’s the motion. Secondly, you DON’T want to take a poll of which women would rather do without, your tongue or your willy. (of course, if you’re Gene Simmons, you got whatever they choose in bulk anyway) Thirdly, some guy out there is ALWAYS gonna have a bigger dick than you, so quit competing. Finally, there is no easy way to make your johnson bigger, despite massive internet spam to the contrary, so just be satisfied with the handfull God gave ya.

Oh, by the way, you women who keep telling every guy you meet that his dick is really big: STOP! You are filling their heads with false impressions and the next woman they meet is gonna hate you for it.

A word to many of you young people out there: YES, your parents DID and DO have sex. Your generation did not invent promiscuity. Nor did your parent’s generation, but if they were young in the 60’s or 70’s they sure as hell polished promiscuity to a high shine:) I know, I was there. Free love, orgies, the Kama Sutra, dope, threesomes, bisexuality, the dawning of the porn industry, no AIDS, the Pill was new and plentiful…damn, it was a Golden Age for being a slut:) Also, the music didn’t suck ass like it does nowadays. Yes, youngsters, odds are good that your dear old dad laid alot of pipe back in the day and your mom and her college roomie were more chummy than you think. And for all you know they might STILL be attending orgies and stuff. THAT mental image ought to keep you awake tonight:)

Bisexuality: While I’m not bi, my wife and several other people I know are and I’m cool with it. Indeed, in Grace’s case I’m rather happy about it:) However, some people (on both sides of the gay/straight fence) have been known to refer to bi folk as “greedy” or “indecisive”. Well, they aren’t either of those things. What they are is smart, cos they are getting twice as much nookie as the rest of us:)

Sex in the shower: who the fuck ever really thought this was a good idea? Shit, unless you are both rail thin, the damned shower isn’t gonna be roomy enough anyway. Add to that the danger of slipping and breaking your neck and you can see that shower sex is just plain not worth the effort. Now, the kitchen table…ahhh, that my children is a veritable Love Chair:)

Ok, so right off the bat, let me say that I just do not understand this “Spit or Swallow” obsession that most men seem to have. Jesus, isn’t it enough that the woman is sucking yer dick? Who gives a rats ass if she swallows, as long as you get off? Would YOU swallow it? Personally, at the point of orgasm, I don’t care WHERE it goes. It could fly out the fuckin’ window and I wouldn’t care. (I imagine anyone outside the window WOULD care, but what the hell are they doing outside my window anyway?) Now, to be honest, I’ve been with maybe 3 women who wouldn’t swallow, but apparently I’ve been amazingly lucky. Must be a California thing. Anyway, stop fixating on it, guys.

And while we are on the subject of blowjobs, there are alot of you women who need to stop acting like you are rendering this great and wonderful service that we can only get from you personally. Do you really think a guy can’t find 50 other women in your town who will polish his knob? Like maybe your sister or best friend? Get over it and work on varying your technique. Remember: every guy likes it done differently.

Flipping sides now, let’s talk about cunnilingus. That’s eating pussy for those of you who repeated grades in school. When I dispense advice to young men who are just entering the sexual arena, the first thing I tell them (as my father told me) is to learn to kiss the kitty. If they are really lucky, an older woman will show them how. Barring that, the best way to get started is to follow the advice of the late great comedian Sam Kinison and “Lick The Alphabet”. Gents, by the time you get to the letter “K”, the lady will be as putty in your hands. Once you get to “Z”, you can start over, do the alphabet in reverse or just make up new letters for some alien alphabet. Just remember to stop before…A: your tongue cramps up…B: The woman has a heart attack.

End Of Sex Rant

NOTE from 2/11/06: Ya know, I really ought to either reprint or expand this sex rant. Hell, maybe I should do both. It might just help some of the poor sexless gaiming geeks I know.

Get Me A Tall Tree And Some Short Ropes

The below is lifted from the LJ of muskrat_john because it is something that needs to be stopped ASAP.

Congressional Accountability for Judicial Activism Act of 2004
H. R. 3920
To allow Congress to reverse the judgments of the United States Supreme Court.

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
March 9, 2004
Mr. LEWIS of Kentucky (for himself, Mr. DEMINT, Mr. EVERETT, Mr. POMBO, Mr. COBLE, Mr. COLLINS, Mr. GOODE, Mr. PITTS, Mr. FRANKS of Arizona, Mr. HEFLEY, Mr. DOOLITTLE, and Mr. KINGSTON) introduced the following bill; which was referred to the Committee on the Judiciary, and in addition to the Committee on Rules, for a period to be subsequently determined by
the Speaker, in each case for consideration of such provisions as fall within the jurisdiction of the committee concerned

A BILL
To allow Congress to reverse the judgments of the United States Supreme Court.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

This Act may be cited as the `Congressional Accountability for Judicial Activism Act of 2004′.

SEC. 2. CONGRESSIONAL REVERSAL OF SUPREME COURT JUDGMENTS.

The Congress may, if two thirds of each House agree, reverse a judgment of the United States Supreme Court–

(1) if that judgment is handed down after the date of the enactment of this Act; and
(2) to the extent that judgment concerns the constitutionality of an Act of Congress.

SEC. 3. PROCEDURE.

The procedure for reversing a judgment under section 2 shall be, as near as may be and consistent with the authority of each House of Congress to adopt its own rules of proceeding, the same as that used for considering whether or not to override a veto of legislation by the President.

SEC. 4. BASIS FOR ENACTMENT.

This Act is enacted pursuant to the power of Congress under article III, section 2, of the Constitution of the United States.

The “Mr. POMBO” is Richard Pombo, congressman from here in California. I suspect that the “Mr. Doolittle” is John Doolittle another congressman from California. Both of them are slimy conservative rightwing cocksuckers who will do whatever is necessary to fuck up California and the United States.

Call or write to your congressman and senators and tell them to put a stop to this bill.

NOTE from 2/11/06: HAH! Those miserable goatfuckers Pombo and Doolittle are both ass deep in the Abramoff scandal and, if there is any justice in the universe, will get hung high and lose the next election. Or better yet, the Democrats will take over and put their slimey Republican asses in jail.

But Mama, That’s Where The Fun Is

Unseasonably warm temperatures here in Nor Cal are causing much blooming among the plant life.

This is causing allergic reactions that are kicking the shit out of allergy sufferers such as myself. I would gladly remove my nose and sinuses and put them in a box for a couple of weeks if I could.

And on top of these friggin’ allergies, tomorrow I start taking methotrexate (a cancer chemotherapy drug) to treat my psoriasis. There is a small chance it can cause liver damage, so for the first month I have to get my blood checked every week AND pay my dermatologist a visit. Supposedly, it will pretty much cause the psoriasis to go bye bye as long as I take the drug. After 30 years of ointments, creams, UV light boxes and other treatments, I’m willing to give this drug a try…until the first fucking sign it is messing with my liver, then it is outta here.

It ain’t easy being me.

NOTE from 2/11/06: What the fuck was I thinking letting that doctor give me a fuckin’ chemotherapy drug for my psoriasis? Shit! I coulda fucked myself up. Fortunately, despite it doing an ok job on the psoriasis, the UVB light treatments work better, so I only took that crap for a couple of months.

ORIGASMI: The Art Of Folding Paper Into Sex Toys

Where do I come up with this stuff?:)

In the interest of reaching as many of you poor entertainment starved citizens as possible, I’m going to start cross posting my bloggage on my Live Journal page. Anyone who bitches about this will get my size 12 red sneaker up their ass.

I’m also going to try to have less “daily news” and a bit more creative stuff. Don’t look for great philosophical prose or outpourings of my deepest inner soul, but you might get a few more or less fictionalised tales from my Wild and Misspent Youth:) And maybe some gardening tips and a recipe or two.

And the wack job titles WILL continue:)

NOTE FROM 2-10-06: Less “daily news”? I sure screwed the pooch on that one, eh? Still, I really ought to write up something from My Wild And Misspent Youth. And I should give more gardening tips and recipes, just to help enlighten you, the poor huddled masses:)