All Kids Know About The Toe Eating Monster

…who lives under beds

The Doclopedia #85

Yeah, Joe was average…the kind of average that a smart guy could use…the kind of average that could give a private dick an edge when it came to dealing with tough mugs and hot dames

Average Joes: Joe Hinkley, Barber

Me? Hey, I’m just the guy who gives shaves and haircuts. Yeah, I might hear sometin’ interesting now and then…sometimes some interesting mugs come in. Sell information? Me? Now whatever gave you that idea?

What’s this? A picture of President Jackson? Hey, he’s one of my favorites! I’ll just put him in a place of honor here in my wallet.

So, you say some guy got a hot lead escort to the next life, eh? Up at Griffith Park? Hmmm…seems to me I might have heard a couple of fellas talking about having been up there on the night in question. One of them may have been a large gentleman of Italian ancestry who has a scar on one cheek and walks with a limp. The other guy might have been a weaselly looking little bastard who needs to learn how to tip properly.

Tony the Gimp and Eddie the Mouse? Never heard of ’em? But if I had, I might guess that they tend to spend most nights down at the Bluebird Club on Sepulveda. I hear that it’s a fine establishment that a smart guy might enter through the back door if he wanted to avoid being spotted.

There now, all trimmed up and you look like a million bucks. Another picture of Mr. Jackson? Why, thank you, sir!

Doc Tempest vs The Rain Of Madness

…from the May, 1951 issue

The Doclopedia #84

Arrr, this Joe be a right popular feller among the pirates!

Average Joes: Joe Brown, Tavernkeeper

Here ya go, matey, fresh off the boat from Jamaica today. That there rum’ll put a wind in yer sails fer sure! Just got inta port, eh? Well, ye came at a good time, I reckon.

Oh yeah, it be a tad quiet in here now, but I expect that ’round noon the ships’ll drop anchor and the Council O’ Captains will start their monthly meetin’ over on the Red Lady. That be Captain Irina’s ship, an’ right now she’s the High Captain. They’ll talk on all sortsa matters, includin’ what to do about th’ upcoming alliance between the Spanish and the French.

Ye’ve not heard o’ that? Well, them two countries has gone and decided ta send a small armada out here ta teach us honest pirates a lesson or two. Now normally, that would be a very bad stretch of weather, but I’m hearin’ that the Council has a little surprise fer them French & Spanish dogs. Not sure exactly what it is, but they’ve been sendin’ shiploads of supplies over ta Angelfish Island where that perfesser fella and his mates done set up shop a few years ago. Could have somethin’ to do with them strange tales people been spreadin’ about seein’ lights in th’ sky at night. Whatever ’tis, I’m bettin’ it catches that little armada by surprise.

Anyway, once the Council meetin’ ends, things around here’ll get hoppin’ or I’ll kiss a barnacle!

The Rare And Beautiful And Huggable Giant Yellow Bunnies Of Potawango Island

…I’m gonna hug ’em and squeeze ’em, George.

HAPPY 14th ANNIVERSARY TO MY SWEET ANGEL, GRACE! I love you, baby!

And now…

The Doclopedia #83

Yippie Ky Ay, Joe’s in the Wild West!

Average Joes: Joe Chang, Bathhouse Proprietor

Yes, yes…you’ve come to the right place for a bath, sir. For only 50 cents, we’ll fix you up a nice hot bath and give you a bar of fancy French milled soap. Very nice! For slightly more, we can give you the extra soft towels, too. A beautiful young lady to share the bath? I’m sorry, sir, but that is beyond our meager offerings. Still, I would suggest that after your bath you visit Miss Becky’s Sporting House, just 3 door down from us.

Yes, sir, I’ve been here quite a number of years. My lack of accent? Well, that comes from being raised right here in Virginia City, by a missionary couple. My parents came here with them as servants after their mission in China was cut short. Unfortunately, my parents died of a fever when I was but a year old. Reverend Harris and his wife raised me as their son.

A drink? Oh, by all means, sir! Here we go, a fine bourbon that a former customer had shipped in from Kentucky. Join you? Why, thank you, sir. Aah, very nice.

That tub on the wall? That’s the tub that the Sunset Kid was in when he was gunned down by Frisco Jim Delaney. Oh, yes sir, it was an exciting night here in Virginia City. It all started when the Kid was over at the Silver Dollar Saloon…

Big Ol’ Crazy Monsters

…with googly eyes

Before we get on to the final Joe of Average Joe Week, here are…

Several Lessons We Learned On Vacation

1: On the Big Island, hotels charge an arm and a leg for phone calls. A cell phone would have helped immensely. Oh, and internet access is just crazy expensive, assuming you can find it.

2: Everything is much more expensive…like gas being $1.10 more than it was here in California.

3: The roads, for the most part are two lane and have lower speed limits than on the mainland…and most people drive the speed limit.

4: Just for you geeks: There are NO game stores on the Big Island or Kaua’i. There is ONE comic book store on the Big Island and two on Kaua’i.

5: Both the hotels we stayed at had extra firm mattresses. We hated them.

6: Some places on the islands have screwy open/closed days. We should have called every single place we planned on visiting. Using a cell phone.

7: The fish that the Hawaiians call ONO is damned delicious.

8: Pineapple pancakes + coconut syrup = pina colada breakfast!

9: If you buy a bunch of stuff, mail/ship it home. The less you take through the fucking paranoid security checkpoints, the better.

10: Radio reception on most of Kaua’i sucks.

And now, the end of Average Joe Week.  Starting tomorrow: Spy Week

The Doclopedia #64

Average Joes:  Joe Bosley, Streetsweeper

 

Like I was saying, this is a hell of a town for garbage in the streets. Last week, it was the Brotherhood of Airshippers parade, then a few days after that it was the National Mad Scientists convention. Damn, them scientists sure can party…when they aren’t trying to kill each other. The city will be patching up from that for months.

Of course, even that big blowout was nothing compared to the Martian Werewolf Invasion of 1996. Man, we racked up the overtime cleaning up after that. Heck, I even found enough Martian bits & pieces to sell on eBay for big bucks.

Monkey Butter On a Stick

…I’m insane

This will probably be the last post I’ll do before Grace and I get to Hawaii on Monday afternoon. The laptop is FINALLY back up and running, so it is going with us. Now, I must sleep, but here is a veritable Joeapalooza of entries in the character follies. I hope that y’all enjoy them.

The Doclopedia #54

Average Joes: Joe Wyznowski, Cemetary Custodian
Yeah, I know…creepy job taking care of a cemetary…but hell, the pay is good, I get this nice little cottage to live in and door to door salesmen never come around. Oh sure, we get some vandals every now and then…and there have been a few exhumations by the cops…you know, to help solve crimes…and yeah, every now and then you get a wacko coming on the grounds…but all in all, it beats pumping gas.

 

 

The Doclopedia #55

Average Joes: Joe Konk, Security Guard
Uhh, yeah, I’m the only security guard here at the ACME factory. It’s rough work, but what else am I gonna do? Besides, I recover pretty quickly from all of the assaults by thieving toons. Why, I’ve been konked with baseball bats, hit in the face with frying pans, had pianos dropped on my head, been shot, blown up, eaten by a tiger, covered with cement, pounded into the ground by a huge mallet, steamrolled flat, stomped on by elephants and painted pink. And that was just this week!

 

The Doclopedia #56

Average Joes: Joe  Chang, Bathouse Proprietor
Yes, yes…you’ve come to the right place for a bath, sir. For only 50 cents, we’ll fix you up a nice hot bath and give you a bar of fancy French milled soap. Very nice! Oh, that tub on the wall? That’s the tub that the Sunset Kid was in when he was gunned down by Frisco Jim Delany. Oh, yes sir, it was an exciting night here in Virginia City. It all started when the Kid was over at the Silver Dollar Saloon…

 

 

The Doclopedia #57

Average Joes: Joe  Brown,  Tavernkeeper
Here ya go, matey, fresh off the boat from Jamaica today. That there rum’ll put a wind in yer sails fer sure! Oh yeah, it be a tad quiet in here now, but I expect that ’round sundown the ships’ll drop anchor and the Council O’ Captains will start their monthly meetin’. After that, things’ll get hoppin’ or I’ll kiss a barnacle!

 

 

The Doclopedia #58

Average Joes: Joe Hinkley, Barber
Me? Hey, I’m just the guy who gives shaves and haircuts. Yeah, I might hear sometin’ interesting now and then…sometimes some interesting mugs come in. Sell information? Me? Now whatever gave you that idea? Oh, Silky Sanchez? Yeah, ok, me an’ Silky go way back. If he sent ya, yer ok with me, brother. That heist over in Glendale? I might have heard somethin’. Why, hello, President Jackson!

 

 

The Doclopedia #59

Average Joes: Joe Babbage, Steambus Engineer

Yep, sonny, I’ve been running this old girl from the Bay Bridge to Daly City for the better part of 7 years now and you’ll not find a more reliable Steambus in all of the Bay Area! Why, even when they were installing the new zeppelin port, I kept this bus on time! Clockwork cabbies? Ha! I’ve seen them and I wasn’t impressed. No, the bus is still your best bet. 

 

The Doclopedia #60

Average Joes: Joe Lucas, Droid Repairman
Man, that is one banged up K5 unit you’ve got there. What happened to him? Did a Wookie play kickball with him? Yeah, sure, I’ll fix him up, unless you’d rather have a refurbished F9 or may a p2. Nope, don’t carry the R units anymore. Way too much damned trouble, those droids.
 

 

The Doclopedia #61

Average Joes: Joe Lee, Hot Dog Cart Operator 

 

The Food Network? Yer kiddin’, right? Yer not? Oh wow, wait’ll Muriel hears about this! My regulars? Well, Spidey, he likes a brat with mustard and relish. Batman? He’s a chili dog kinda guy…usually stops by early in the morning…great tipper, too. For Wolverine, I stock these habanero dogs. The Joker? Well, he likes the foot longs with lotsa kraut and…

The Doclopedia #62
Average Joes: Joe Standing Elk, Fishing Guide
Oh yes, my family has been fishing the Thames and it’s tributaries since about 1320…not long after we conquered Britain. Of course, some of my grandfathers (the Cherokees on my mother’s side) went on to fight the war in Austria, where they eventually settled. In fact, I have an Austrian cousin who works on a reservation near Rome. He tries his best to keep the white people healthy and sober, but it’s an uphill battle. Now let me show you this sweet new rod & reel we just got in…
The Doclopedia #63
Average Joes: Joe  Kolchak, Cab Driver
I’m tellin’ ya, Eddie, ya see some friggin’ strange shit on the late shift. The other night, I get commandeered by this FBI agent who tells me to follw some guy who’s on foot…and the guy outruns us! And then there was last Thursday, when I pick up this chick who got into my hack  with blonde hair, a really big rack and blue eyes…but when she gets out, she has grey eyes, short black punky hair and hardly any tits! I swear, some nights I wonder if I ain’t drivin’ in the Twilight Zone.