The Triumphant Return Of the 10 Blue Budgies

…rumor has it they made parole this time

Have I mentioned that Sasha needs your questions for a new rant? Well, she does! Just leave them in the comments here. Thanks, folks!

The Doclopedia #1,278

The Alphabet: U is for…

Unknown Jones…was the starring character in a series of 15 B movies made by the Earth 1-D version of MGM from 1938 to 1952. The movies were comedy mysteries and, for B movies, had very good writing with witty dialogue.

The character of Jones (sometimes known as Detective Jones) would almost always enter the film about 5 minutes in, after some crime had been committed, and then pretty much amble through the rest of the movie uncovering clues, tossing off witty dialogue, keeping his cool while others lost theirs and hooking up with the beautiful girl du jour. Throughout the movie, other characters would wonder who this Jones guy was, but nobody ever uncovered his identity or even his first name. The series was notable in that it had an actual ending. In “Unknown Jones And The Last Mystery”, Jones again met up with Alice Smith, from the very first movie and the two solved the crime, fell back in love and got married. The movie ended with them driving off into the sunset.

Unknown Jones was portrayed in all 15 movies by Dan Bentley, a good looking young man who previously had only acted in a few movies. When the series ended, he went on to star in three television series and do voice over work on many cartoon series. He was born in 1915 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and died in Seattle, Washington in 2015 at age 100. He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Movies in the Unknown Jones series…

Unknown Jones Comes To Town (1938)
Unknown Jones Saves The Day (1939)

Unknown Jones In New York (1940)

Unknown Jones At The Scene (1941)
Unknown Jones Goes To Hollywood (1942)
Unknown Jones And The Ghosts (1943)

Unknown Jones In Washington (1944)

Unknown Jones And The Jade Cat (1945)

Unknown Jones Finds A Clue (1946)

Unknown Jones On A Train (1947)

Unknown Jones In San Francisco (1948)

Unknown Jones Meets A Lady (1949)

Unknown Jones Solves The Case (1950)

Unknown Jones In Honolulu (1951)

Unknown Jones And The Last Mystery (1952)

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The Doclopedia #1,279

The Alphabet: U is for…

Urrblo Soup…, the favorite soup of Northern Goblins. Made with selected herbs, root vegetables, a touch of Dire Badger fat and, of course, the faces of your enemies. It is a rich, hearty and delicious soup. By Goblin standards, of course.

The soup takes several hours to cook and is often flavored with a few dashes of plum wine. Some clans also add a bit of their enemies brains, but most Goblins think this throws off the flavor too much.

Urrblo soup is almost always eaten after a battle and before another battle.

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Doc Tempest And The Curse Of The Vampire’s Tomb

…from the June, 1948 issue

 

The Doclopedia #1,015

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Baker

 

On Earth 20, Fred Baker was an actor, famous for his roles in such movies as “They Came From Jupiter”, “Attack Of The Killer Turtles” and “The Incredible Growing Man”. In those and nearly 100 other science fiction films made between 1949 and 1973, Fred usually played scientists, cops, military men or government officials. He never got the girl, but he did get to be killed by the monsters or aliens pretty often. Fred loved his work and his fans.

 

Fred got his first break in movies as a teenager back in 1939, playing “Billy the Newsboy” in “Murder On Broadway”. He continued doing bit parts until Pearl Harbor was attacked, at which point he enlisted in the Army and served in Europe and Africa.

 

After the war, Fred went back to movies and started his career as the “King of the Sci Fi Movies”, though to be fair, he also did horror movies, westerns and crime dramas. In 1973, Fred was cast as the tough but fair Judge Manwell in the Oscar winning movie “A New Life”. He won the Best Supporting Oscar and his career took a big jump, which he rather regretted, since the calls to act in cheapo movies stopped.

 

In 1991, on his 70th birthday, Fred quit acting in movies to accept the job of movie host for the brand new NBC series “Saturday Night Creature Feature”. His good humor, encyclopedic knowledge of genre movies and ability to get great guests made the show immensely popular and won 5 Emmy awards. He hosted the show for 20 years, retiring at age 90.

 

Fred died at the age of 106. His grave is always decorated with tributes from his fans.

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The Doclopedia #1,016

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Li

 

Fred Li was just an ordinary citizen of San Francisco, California on Earth 9. He ran a small herbalist shop with his brother, Ken. He was a nice guy.

 

But at night, Fred would drink the ancient herbal mixture that turned him into Dragon Man, the crime fighting scourge of the Bay Area criminal world. Believing more in Justice than the Law, Dragon Man didn’t often leave crooks alive. Even when he did, the sight of a 7 foot tall fire breathing lizard man didn’t leave the criminals sane enough to do much talking. Screaming, yes. Talking, no.

 

After about 40 years fighting crime, Fred retired and passed the family business on to his nephew, Rick. Dragon Man lives on.

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The Doclopedia #1,017

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Antonelli

 

A hard working truck driver, Fred Antonelli had a pretty average life. Married, 4 kids, house in Queens, voted Republican, member of the Knights of Columbus. Just your ordinary guy. The only thing that got Fred Antonelli included on this list was his alien abduction.

 

See, the conquering alien race known as the Florb, landed on a dark stretch of road in western Iowa in order to examine a typical human. When Fred drove up in his truck, they zapped him unconscious and took him inside their vessel to examine him.

 

Imagine their surprise when Fred came to just as they laid him on the table! Picture them getting the shit kicked out of them by a scared and pissed off 200 pound, six foot two inch Italian who grew up in a rough neighborhood! Think about Fred getting off the ship and watching it make a wobbly takeoff as the seven busted up crewmen tried to get the hell off Earth!

 

Now picture the ship crash landing into the deepest part of the Atlantic Ocean, where is rests to this day, it’s crew long dead. Having heard nothing from their scouts, the Florb went on to their next and last target world, the Klingon homeworld. Bad choice, that.

 

Fred never told anybody about his experience, but he stopped making fun of UFO nuts.

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The Doclopedia #1,018

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Slovardnik

 

All Fred Slovardnik ever did was invent HelperBots. You know, those little robots that come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and do all sorts of jobs for us that we used to do. The robots that cook our meals and walk our dogs and rub our feet and lube our cars and wipe our bottoms. Where would we be without them?

 

We’d tell you more about Fred, but when he became the wealthiest man in the solar system, he had his past erased and started living in seclusion in Tahiti, which he owns.