Real Housewives Of Gotham City

…they are a VERY strange bunch

 

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The Doclopedia #1,293

Strange Bandanas: The Solid Orange One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The solid orange bandana has no design on it, being just a bright orange color. I got it in a Woolworth’s department in Milwaukee, Wisconsin in 1993. For the next few years, there was nothing unusual about it. Then, one night, I absentmindedly left it sitting on a shelf next to a radio that I forgot to turn off. It sat there for two weeks before I found it. Although the radio’s volume had been turned down to barely audible at close range, the bandana had been exposed to two weeks of straight college radio and had somehow absorbed an enormous knowledge of many types of music.

The result of that is that the solid orange bandana plays a sort of movie soundtrack when I wear it. This music is heard by anyone within 50 feet of me and can change with whatever I am doing. While this is, as you might expect, very cool, it can also cause problems. Since the music changes with my mood as well as my actions, it sometimes gives away how I’m feeling inside. This has gotten me slapped by more than one woman and has pissed off quite a few people I know.

I don’t wear this bandana much anymore, unless I need an ego boost. Nothing like your own theme music to pump up your ego.

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Extreme Ducks

…they are NOT your ordinary waterfowl

 

The Doclopedia #1,129

Strange Bandanas: The Tiger Striped One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

This bandana is cursed. When I put it on, I transform into a 7 foot tall man/tiger and go out seeking fresh meat to eat. My hunger is great and must be sated. Nothing can stop me.

Fortunately, there is a 24 hour butcher shop not 5 minutes from my home, so I just go there, buy 15-20 pounds of assorted meat, then go to a nearby park and chow down. Once I do that, the curse is lifted and I go home for a nice long nap after removing the bandana.

 

The Doclopedia #1,130

Strange Bandanas: The Neon Green One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

Like many of my strangest bandanas (and almost all of them are strange), this one grants me a special power. In this case, it is the power to make perennial plants grow at up to double the normal rate. I can also speak with them, but you’d be surprised how little of interest a daylily or an iris has to say. True, a lemon verbena can be quite chatty at times, but for the most part, for stimulating conversation, you’d want to chat up fruit trees or cacti.

My Life Among The Crazy People

…AKA my friends and family

The Doclopedia #1,127

Strange Bandanas: The Purple Paisley One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

Oh, the stories I could tell of my faithful purple paisley bandana! There was that time, in 1964 East Berlin, when I used it to escape the hot pursuit of several assassins. Or the weekend in 1985 when, using the bandana in just the right way, I was able to seduce that famous actress, <NAME DELETED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES>. Oh, my friends, that was a weekend to remember!

I cannot even count the ways the purple paisley has helped me survive in jungles, deserts and other hostile places. And when it comes to confusing a deadly alien long enough to grab a ray gun and give it hot laser death, that bandana cannot be beat!

Can there be any doubt why the purple paisley bandana is among my favorites?

 

The Doclopedia #1,128

Strange Bandanas: The White One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

My white bandana was created some time in the 12th century by an old woman later burned as a witch. She was a witch, but a good one, pure of heart and kindly. Upon her death, her spirit went into the bandana, where it resides to this day.

When I wear it, the white bandana offers me protection from evil and grants a good amount of extra healing…as long as I’m being good. When I am not being good, the bandana will use it’s powers to cause me to become incontinent.

As you can imagine, I seldom wear this bandana.

The Seriously Funny, But Also Educational, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The League Of Extraordinary Game Designers

…co-starring her trained oyster, Merline

 

The Doclopedia #1,124

Creature Features: Comrade Dracula

Back in 1966, a group of radical artists with Communist leanings decided to make a horror movie that glorified communism. Why they chose the horror genre is a mystery, but the result was “Comrade Dracula”, a film that was long on strange anti-capitalist rants and soft core sex, but very short on actual horror.

The story, such as it is, finds Dracula hanging out with Lenin and Marx, then turning up in modern day New York to help overthrow the US government while biting the necks of young rich girls. This neck biting somehow turns them not only into vampires, but dedicated commies. They also gogo dance.

The entire movie runs 77 minutes and played in less than a dozen theaters worldwide. It was not allowed into the Soviet Union or Cuba.

 

The Doclopedia #1,125

Strange Bandanas: The Light Blue One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The light blue bandana was given to me by a Hindu mystic back in 1902, when I was visiting Calcutta on business. He gave it to me as thanks for helping his village dig a new well.


The bandana seems entirely normal until I place it on my head, at which point it begins to glow with a bright light. For the next five minutes, I gain the ability to speak to one of the Lesser Forces Of Light. This being usually tells me where to shop for the best bargains on meat, fresh produce and cheese. It also gives extraordinarily accurate weather reports. Once the 5 minutes are up, the bandana stops glowing. I can use it once a day.

I often wonder what sort of bandana I would have gotten if I’d helped those villagers build a small dam.

 

The Doclopedia #1,126

Strange Bandanas: The Yellow & Green One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

I found this bandana in a small, out of the way thrift shop in Cleveland in 1989. The woman who ran the shop told me it was a rascally little bandana, then sold it to me for fifty cents.

She was correct in her assessment, for this bandana soon proved to be quite the little scamp. It loves to hide deep in the bandana pile or climb up on top of bookcases. When it’s really feeling naughty, it will hide in the towel drawer, waiting to leap out and scare me.

Despite all this, it is a gentle and affectionate bandana that loves to be worn out in public, especially when I go to the movies.