It’s National Buy A Blogger A Beer Day!

…I prefer stouts and porters.

The Doclopedia #1,391

Potion Ingredients: The Tears Of The Clown

We all know that the God of Terror most often takes the form of a clown whose name we shall not speak here. He…It…is a horrific creature and has rightfully been stripped of most of his former power by the other gods.

This does not mean he is weak. Far from it. He still manifests in small towns to prey upon children and adults. His need to feed upon their fear is endless.

His weakness is that he requires at least three worshipers to call him to a likely town using a ritual murder. This always takes place about two miles outside of town in an old abandoned house or a small clearing in the woods.

For reasons unknown to even the God of Terror, these murders always cause a small spring to bubble up from the ground where the victim died. The springs never get very large, with most being about three inches deep and a for or two across. They last exactly a year, then dry up.

It is from these springs that you can gather up the Tears of the Clown. However, the utmost care must be taken not to get any of the water on your bare skin. To do so causes hallucinations and madness, so be very careful.

The Tears of the Clown will sell for at least 1,000 gold pieces per ounce.



The Warm Noodle Event

…it was warm and buttery


The Doclopedia #1,156

Dolls: Dollgora

What turned a typical child’s doll into a 300 foot tall city destroying kaiju with laser eyes and acid fog breath? Nobody in Japan has a clue, but when she burst up from below the city, you can bet they tried to find out.

Unfortunately, Dollgora didn’t make researching her easy, what with knocking over buildings and killing thousands with her acid breath. When they sent the military in, the giant doll pretty much took everything they threw at her, then lasered the shit out of them. Makes you wonder why A: the Japanese even bother sending the military up against kaiju, and B: why the hell would anybody join the Japanese military anyway?

Anyway, just about the time Dollgora finishes stomping half of Tokyo into gravel, along comes another kaiju to challenge her to a fight. Japan just cannot catch a break, ya know?

So Dollgora and the other monster, a 250 foot tall chicken that could breath cold out of her mouth and fire explosive eggs out her ass, start duking it out from one end of Japan to the other. After about 4 days of this, the Japanese people are fondly remembering the days of earthquakes, tsunamis and the rare American nuke.

Finally, Dollgora fries the chicken and starts heading for Osaka, unaware that in the last few days, Japanese scientist have discovered how to destroy her. As she was climbing over a mountain, they hit her with some sort of gravity beam that increased her weight about 500 times normal. The doll was crushed into pieces, then those pieces were melted down into plastic slag. Japan was once again safe!

Yeah, right.

The Doclopedia #1,157

Dolls: Beery Babies

OK, pal, right off I gotta give my mother in law credit. She’s the one that knitted the first Beery Baby for me. It kept my hand warm while helping keep my can or bottle of beer cold. And she made it look like a pro wrestler, which was neat.

Anyway, my buddy likes it and asks her to make him one, which she does and he gives her a fiver for her trouble. Before you know it, her and my wife and some aunts are cranking out 10-15 a week for guys here in Chicago.

Well, me and my father in law see the potential in this and we set up a business and get a bunch of gals to knit and pretty soon we’re selling 10,000 Beery Babies a week. We had 102 different ones and pretty soon we added 200 more and then things REALLY took off. When we sold the company, six months before the collecting fad began to fade, we got a cool thirty million bucks for it.

Oh yeah, we still have one of every Beery Baby created. I think they’re in a box out in the garage. Me, I still use that very first one. Of course, now I’m drinking much better beer.

Bucky & Squint Rebuild A Transmission

…a 4 speed


The Doclopedia #1,087

The Alphabet: B is for…


It is an amazing fact that all across the multiverse, in every world that has pigs (or some fairly similar animal) there is bacon. Even in worlds where the pigs are sentient, there is bacon, but nobody discusses it much and they eat it in secret. There are even two versions of Earth where Bacon is worshiped as a god. In most worlds, it just tastes like something that gods would eat.

On several Magic Earths, bacon is used in spell casting or as a healing food. On a couple of these worlds, you can create Bacon Golems, which never last very long. A popular spell is Wall of Bacon, which stops both adventurers and monsters for as long as it takes to eat it.

Beer Of Wizardly Power

Oh, it looks like plain old ale, but if you are one of the Adept and you drink a couple of pints of it, you’ll soon be filled with magical power. Everyone else will just be filled with the need to go take a leak.

This amazing brew was first concocted in the Red Hills region of Valduria back in 1286. It seems that a brewmaster and a Wizard got drunk one night and hatched the idea to brew up a beer that would amp up the power of any Adept who drank it. It soon became very popular.

The secret to using Beer of Wizardly Power is to not drink too much. The result if 8 pints worth can be seen in the ruins of Glossingol’s Tower which was turned into marzipan along with a drunken Wizard Glossingol. We can also attribute the 300 acre Dancing Forest to a bit too much of the brew.

The Sweetest Dominatrix In Fair Oaks, California

…and she baked great cookies, too

Today’s trip to the dog park was fun for the girls. The one we went to was huge and not too crowded. Both of them were pretty tired out by the time we got home.

I once again took up my Holy Jihad against the Weedy Infidels that have invaded my garden in their millions. Armed with my Blessed Instruments of Horticulture, I clipped and chopped and raked and hoed and pulled and…decided that I really need to buy a new weed whacker to replace the cheapass one that crapped out 2 years ago. After a two hour rampage (which was enforced by my Sweet Angel, Grace, lest I overdoo it on this first garden foray of the year) the garden looked as tho I’d barely touched it. I shall venture forth to kick more botanical booty tomorrow.

Right now, I’m drinking Boontville Amber Ale and it’s a pretty fine ale. It is brewed over towards the coast in Booneville in the Anderson Valley. Booneville is most famous for it’s regional dialect Boontling, which first cropped up in the late 1800’s.

We were going to go to the movies today, but we decided to go tomorrow. Another dog park trip might happen, too.

And now, I go to Civ 3, where I shall expand the glory that is Greece and then kick the asses of Zululand.