Handsome Joe Plans A Birthday Party

…for his good friend, Smart Sally


The Doclopedia #1,517

Earth 5-C: California

On Earth 5-C, my beloved home state of California is both very familiar and very different.

Right off, the shape of the state is different. It’s wider, because the entire eastern border is 30 miles farther east. Nevada and Arizona look somewhat different because of it. The southern Border with Mexico is all the way down to just north of Puerto Punasco on the eastern side, and halfway down the Baja Peninsula on the western side. This greatly lengthens the West Coast and a state that was very long to begin with.

California is still the “Queen of Agriculture”, even more so with all that added Baja land. It’s still the heart of the entertainment industry and the high tech sector. People still visit by the millions to see both man made and natural attractions. California is still the center of cool in the world.

But it’s also uninhabited over large areas due to national parks, state parks, nature preserves,, national monuments and just plain old land preserved for it’s own sake. Some of these areas are home to thriving Native American nations (the various nations run all of the national and state parks). A few preserves are there to protect the habitats of what we would call cryptids, including the San Joaquin Valley Jackalope, the Northern Sierra Sasquatch and the California Green Sea Serpent. Among the non-cryptids who are on preserves or in parks, you’ll find wolves and the California grizzly bear, the latter of which is extinct in our reality. Californians are fierce protectors of the environment.

Another big difference is the lack of freeways, especially in the Los Angeles region. Public transportation is well funded and very popular all over the world, but it is nearly a religion in California. Where the freeways would be in L.A. Are bus lines, trains (both ground lever and elevated, subways and even airships. The same goes for the Bay Area, Sacramento and any other metropolitan area.

And, of course, all the cars are either electric or hydrogen powered.

The final bit of strangeness in this other California is the Mojave Spaceport, the second largest spaceport in the world after the Central Australia Spaceport. The Mojave Spaceport is the busiest of the two with daily departures to both space stations and the moon. Nearly 10,000 people are now living and/or working in outer space.

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Doc Tempest And The Devil Of The Desert

…from the June, 1958 issue

Yet MORE “Life On The Magic Bus” entries! Only a few more to go!

Chapter 4, Part 3: On The Trail Of Giant Jesus

Winker arms herself
Lucy & Sasha go unarmed


Destination Sign: Central City

When Winker entered the living room wearing her new mechanical arms, the reactions were…

Lucy: “What the hell?”
Sasha: “WOW! Winky is a cyborg!”

Grace: “Where did you get those things?”

Doc: “Uh oh! Dogs got hands. We are screwed now.”

The Magic Bus had been parked at the Seaside Haven RV park for the last day & a half while Doc had written the piece for Roadside Attractions Quarterly and they all took some Grace approved time to enjoy the beach. During that time, Winker had decided to tackle the “no opposable thumbs” problem. She had taken the easy route by finding a set of Zerillian Arm Units down in Joe’s workshop.

The body harness fit ok, if a bit tight around the tummy. The 6 foot long quadruple jointed arms, however, were taking some time to get used to.

“I got them from Joe, Mom.” She said this as one arm slowly reached out to pick up a chew toy. “The people these were made for don’t have actual arms or hands, so they use these.”

She missed grabbing the chew toy on the first two tries, but got it on the third attempt. Damn this only having one eye! Maybe she ought to look into a bionic eye. Maybe a bionic eye with a laser! No, no laser. The Parental Units would not like that.

Having picked up the chew toy with her four fully opposable mechanical fingers, she placed it on the nearest coffee table.

“I’m still getting used to them, but Joe thinks I’ll be handling tools like a pro soon.”

Doc came closer to check out the arms.

“Those are pretty cool, Wink,” he said as he ran his hands along the cool metal surface of one of them. “You look kind of like Doctor Octopus from the comic books.”

Sasha came over for a look. “Yeah,” she said with a giggle, “we’ll call you OctoWinky!”

Without even thinking about it, Winker gave herself a facepalm. This was exactly what she feared. Nicknames stuck like poop on a blanket.

Several hours later, just before dinner, Winker had practiced enough to be pretty skilled at most simple tasks. Dad had been really impressed when she poured him a pint of stout.

“Thank you, sweetie!” He smiled as he accepted the mug.

“Your welcome, Dad. Just don’t get any ideas about Winker the Barmaid.”

Later, she showed Lucy and Sasha how she could throw a ball, pick up & fold a dog blanket and drive a nail into a board using a hammer. They were impressed.

“Can we get arms like that?” Lucy asked. “I could catch some squirrels if I had arms.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sasha, “and I could play video games using a human based controller. And I could use tools & stuff!”

Winker has known this was coming. Fortunately, the answer was simple.

“Sorry, sisters, but there is only one set of these arms on the bus and now they’re imprinted to me.” This was the truth, although she had not mentioned that new sets of arms could be ordered from the W’Grrit & M’Lkuk catalog. Sasha was too young for arms and Lucy was, well, too Lucy.

That night, before going to bed, Winker brushed her sister’s coats before brushing her own. Then she got out of her arms and went to bed, where she dreamed of using wrenches and drills and impact tools.

Chapter 4, Part 4: On The Trail Of Giant Jesus

On the trail of gnomes

Grace shows Giant Jesus the light


Destination Sign: The Darkness On The Edge Of Town

At 9:45 in the morning, the Clay family departed the Magic Bus and went to visit the Gnome Forest near Astoria, Oregon. Doc and Sasha were eager to see the “over 2,000 garden gnomes in fun poses”. Grace was pretty much just along for the ride, Lucy was hot to sniff out “assorted vermin, including those damned squirrels” and Winker was half asleep, having had a long night in the shop rebuilding a toxic vapor accumulator with Joe.

(Narrator: Speaking of squirrels, you might be interested that Uncle Ferdie was able to round up all of his squirrels. They were not physically injured during the riot, but several of them were mentally scarred for weeks. For that matter, so was Uncle Ferdie.)

The Gnome Forest was essentially a two acre plot of woods with garden gnomes placed in interesting and humorous spots. Several of the gnomes had been custom made, like the one who appeared to be taking a leak on a tree. There were also little gnome sized houses and gnome dogs & cats. The trail through the woods had many signs that told about the scenes one was seeing.

The walk took about 55 minutes, during which Doc & Sasha sang songs like “Gnome, Gnome On The Range” and “No Place Like Gnome” and “My Old Kentucky Gnome”. By minute 30, Grace was threatening to shove pine cones in their mouths and Winker was using some naughty words to describe their singing. Lucy was mostly complaining that her harness and leash were seriously impacting her rodent chasing skills.

(Narrator: Contrary to what Lucy might tell you, no squirrels were mocking her, although a few did mock Doc & Sasha’s singing.)

After bidding the Gnome Forest goodbye, they drove down the coast an hour to the World Famous Giant Jesus Of The Rock. This 70 foot tall statue was standing atop a tall rock about 100 feet offshore. Tourists could reach it by using a long steel foot bridge that Winker thought was of dubious engineering quality.

Despite the old hound’s misgivings, the whole family trooped out to the statue along with about a dozen other humans and two other dogs, one of whom Lucy declared to be a “stuck up little asshole of a bichon frise”.

This Giant Jesus had originally been meant to be used as a lighthouse, but then the government built a proper lighthouse just two miles away, so that aspect of it was dropped. Now, the light was only lit for an hour or two on religious holidays.

Jesus of the Rock was, externally, very good looking. The craftsmanship of the stone carving was excellent. Doc noted that the face and hands were some of the best he’d ever seen on a Giant Jesus. Sasha noted that his upraised right arm and hand had seabird poop on them, as did the back of his head.

Inside the structure, everyone climbed the stairs up to the top except Winker, who decided that she was too old for the climb. Grace stayed at the ground floor with her and the two chatted about various family matters.

Then Grace noticed that a power cord was very near to falling out of the outlet that it was plugged into.

“That’s not safe,” she said as she pushed the plug firmly into the socket.

It took Winker just about a second to put two and two together and yell, “NO, Mom! The light!” before everyone up in the head of Jesus began yelling. Grace quickly pulled the plug, but the damage was done.

First down the stairs was Sasha, who had escaped being blinded because she was busy licking her but with her eyes closed when the light came on. Next was an old guy who was blind to begin with, then a steady stream of blinking and temporarily sightless humans and dogs.

One woman was wailing that Jesus had blinded her for her sins, while Lucy said “Fuck that! I’m a dog and I’ve never sinned.” Winker thought that, while true from a strictly theological viewpoint, Lucy was not a beacon of purity.

Doc seemed to be blinded only in one eye, since he had been looking out to sea through the telescope mounted in the right eye of Mr. Christ. He gave Grace a mild stink eye, which made her blush.

After only a few minutes, everyone’s sight began to return and they left. The sinful lady seemed greatly relieved that Jesus had only warned her not to sin again. The old blind guy muttered, “Bunch of goddamned pussies.”

Back on the bus, Doc had Grace drive for a bit and Lucy laid on one of the sofas and griped that the spots she was seeing looked kind of like squirrels.

Chapter 5: Emails From The Road

Doc shuts down some twits
Sasha reports the news


Destination Sign: Gondor

To: spiketronic@zmail.rpg

From: docrocket@zmail.rpg

Glad you and Mary made it home okay. That long layover in Minneapolis must have sucked. On the plus side, not much going on there at 2:15 am on a Tuesday anyway.

Things here are going just swell, if you don’t count my scaring the crap out of a couple of wealthy old twits who were parked next to us at an RV park for two days. They kept saying shit about how “quaint” and “rustic” our bus was, while continuously showing off the half million dollar land yacht they had. Finally, I invited them onto the bus.

You should have seen their faces! Eyes were not meant to open that wide. Jaws were dropped, oh yes.

LOL! By the time we were done with the nickle tour, they were speechless, which was the effect I was aiming for. They left the park a couple of hours later.

Regarding the situation for DogCon in Texas, besides you, Mary, & the twins, we have Avis, Ginie, Peter, Holly, the Mystery family and Sam & Rani staying with us so far. Not 100% sure but we may also have Poppy and her boyfriend du jour with us, too. Should be fun. Joe tells me he can expand the slide room and make it into a waterpark.

Gotta go. Tell all your womenfolk we love them.


From: graceclay@eol.com

To: madsciencegal@mit.edu

Hello, sweetheart!

I hope school is going well for you. I know this last year must be crazy, what with you going for dual doctorates and all. You know, your dad and I really admire you and your brother, since we didn’t go to college for years (in my case) and ever (in your dad’s case). We are very proud of you.

Our trip & our retirement go well so far. This whole idea of traveling around checking out goofy roadside stuff has been pretty fun, so far. There have been a few “Uh Oh!” moments, but mostly things are going great. Having Sasha & Winker on my side when your dad has one of his questionable ideas is a real plus. Of course, he does often have Lucy on his side, but we still outnumber them.

Yesterday, we saw a house made of old cars and went to a driftwood museum. Earlier today, we visited a Santa Claus Town that was in pretty bad shape. Your father said they ought to let it decay a bit more, then reopen it as a Zombie Santa Claus Town. The old couple who run the place were not amused. I thought he had a pretty good idea. The place couldn’t me much more creepy with zombies.

I’m attaching some pictures of the trip so far. One of them shows Winker wearing her robotic arms. She has gotten quite adept with them. Yesterday, she even managed to cook an omelet.

Time for dinner. Write or call when you get a chance.


From: lucylou@pmail.com

To: avb900@zmail.rpg

Hi, Auntie Avy!

I’m typing this by talking, since I can’t use robot arms like Winky does. It’s pretty cool.

How are you & Emma & Lydia & Spock? It said on the news that you had snow the other night. We have only seen snow on the distant mountains so far. I thought we ought to go play in the snow, but you know how dad feels about the “awful white stuff”.

We are on our way to see some albino deer. Earlier, we went to a kind of creepy Santa Claus Town that was just full of mice and chipmunks. Mom kept me on a short leash so I couldn’t chase them. That sucked.

Mom said that we will see you next month at a convention in Boston. That will be great! I hope you can bring Spock & the girls. They will love it here on the bus. Wait until they see the shoe room!

Daddy is reading your latest book, the one about the murder on the cruise ship. Every so often, when he gets to a twist in the plot, he says, “Damn it, Avis!” and we all laugh at him.

Ooh, Mom says we are at the deer place. Gotta go. Write to me soon.


From: oneeyedbitch@pmail.com

To: customerservice/trilthoksubtronics@vintoth.com

Dear sentient,

Thank you for your timely replacement of the D-wave smoother that I received recently. The replacement functions perfectly. Your help in explaining where I went wrong in ordering was very much appreciated. I am somewhat new to having manipulative organs.


Winker Sue Clay

From: sashajane@pmail.com

To: busterboy@pmail.com

Hi, Buster!

I’m glad we could get you on the bus and smarten you up before we left, so you can do email and stuff.

This has been a fun trip! I woofed at a bear and scared a bunch of humans! It was hella funny!

We have gone to lots of weird houses and stuff. Most of them smell funny, like rat poop and old wet stuff.

Me and Lucy and Winker and a bunch of other dogs caused a riot at a squirrel show. No, really, there were like, 100 squirrels there. We didn’t catch any of them and Daddy had to drive the bus out of town fast. Mom said we are scalawags, which I guess is ok, because her and Grandma G call Daddy and Grandpa Bill that all the time.

I gotta go, but you write me an email soon, ok? Tell Smokey and Duke and LeeLee and Toby and everyone else that I said hello.

Your buddy,


Welcome To The House Of Strange

…where we live with strange pets


NOTE:I don’t usually post stuff about DogCon/CatCon in between actual con trips (though, of course, these con trips are imaginary), but several things have happened, so I figured I’d give everybody a heads up.

First off, as most of you know, we lost Lucy to cancer back in August. It was a sad time, but we are doing better now. More on Lucy later. A few days after Lucy’s death, we adopted our sweet little Basset Hound girl, Daisy. She has become a beloved family member.

(Daisy: Hi there, folks!)

Next, our imaginary Nigerian Dwarf Goats, Abigail & Beatrice, have been offered a chance to come live in Critter City, Texas, as part of the Trained Goat Review, doing shows at the Rock Hard Cafe. It’s a pretty big show that plays twice daily during the heavy tourist season and three times a week during the off season. Abby & Bea have decided to take the offer, so they will be leaving us soon. We’ll miss them, but we’ll get to see them at the con every year.

(Abby: It was a hard decision, folks, but Mom has always told us to follow our dreams.)

(Bea: We’ll miss everybody here and the yearly trip on the Magic Bus, but we’ll put on a really great show in Critter City. Come see us!)

Our imaginary cat, Flash, did not take Lucy’s death well. He stopped eating, cried all the time and seldom left his apartment. The female cats stopped coming around and he got pretty surly. After awhile, he started to hit the catnip pretty hard. He really missed his big sister and partner in crime.

But then, well, the way Joe explained it to me is like this. See…

(Sasha: I’ll be taking over the explaining here, folks, since listening to Dad try to explain anything high tech is pretty painful and embarrassing.

To give you the short version, with the help of Joe, Bea and Sadie Misiaszek, I braintaped Lucy just days before she died (thus preserving a copy of her katra, or spirit if you follow human religion) and then uploaded it later into a cyborg body. I just could not stand to think of losing my sister.

Well, it all worked out reasonably well, even though it took longer than we expected to get some of the parts from Eosonia Cybernetics and Massive Dynamics. The biological parts took a couple of days longer to grow than we expected, too. Still and all, I think Bea, Sadie & I did a hell of a job considering we don’t have hands or thumbs and Callurian Arm Units are a pain in the ass to use.

And for those of you who ask “Why didn’t you just clone her?” see below.

The only tiny problem was that the polyphasic silibrain that we copied Lucy into doesn’t hold information indefinitely unless it’s in a functioning body, which means that when we hooked up her brain, she had some holes in her memory, plus a few very minor changes to her personality. Unfortunately, none of those changes seem to make her less likely to get into trouble with Flash.

Anyway, after about 3 weeks of fine tuning, we figured it was time to tell Mom, Dad, Flash & Abby about her. It was a very interesting family meeting, but Joe did a good job translating for Bea & I. Of course, I use the term “very interesting family meeting” in place of “the shit hit the fan”. Mom & Dad & Abby were speechless for about 10 seconds, then they all started talking at once, often in foreign tongues or straight out cussing.

Poor Flash, who was stoned out of his mind, just said “What?”

Then I trotted out Lulu (we all had agreed that she was no longer exactly Lucy Louise anymore) and everybody stared and then cried and stuff.

First thing Lulu did, tail wagging all the time, was walk right up to Flash and say, “You are now and have always been my friend. I am now and always will be yours.”

Yeah, I sorta reprogrammed her to be a Trekkie.

So Flash just stared at her and then he jumped up on her back and started wailing like a lost kitten and it was two days before he fell off of her, exhausted. He then slept for three days and has now been off the ‘nip for a month.

Mom told Bea and I what good girls we were and fed us a great meal.

Dad stood and looked at us, then smiled and said “That’ll do, pigs” and gave us the Vulcan salute.

You gotta love Dad! Well, except when he talks about high tech.

So Lulu is a part of the family now. She still needs a few upgrades before she can go out in public. The one red cyber eye makes her look kind of Borgy and I’m damned if I can get organics to grow on her tail. She also needs a few memories reinforced. Still, she’s in pretty good shape and we’ve got our sister back. Mostly.

And now I’ll return you to Dad.)

(Abby: You did good, girls. I’m proud of you.)

(Flash: I love you guys and Sadie and Joe!)

(Lulu: There is no way I can thank you, Winker.)

(Sasha: It’s Sasha, sis. Keep saying my name like I told you to, while thinking that you need to activate module 888-C.)

(Lulu: Ok. Sorry, sister.)

(Sasha: It’s ok, Lulu.)

…and while she doesn’t act or look exactly the way she used to, she’s pretty much our girl. Well, except for the 47% that’s machinery, but you can’t see most of that anyway. Amazingly, she does still eat food, but she doesn’t poop or pee very often. And she’s not afraid of a goddamned thing!

So there you have it, Gentle Readers. If anything of a similarly big nature happens, I’ll let you know.


The Doclopedia #1,081

Golden States: The Magical Golden Kingdom

On a bunch of Earths, the United States of America exists in a magic filled world. In most of those worlds, California is a major player. However, on Magic Earth 12, thingsa are different.

California is a land of great wealth, happy people and powerful magic. Unfortunately, all of the kingdoms around it are populated by evil scumbags who covet the riches of the Golden Kingdom.

To the east is Nevada, home to both the Gambling Elves and the Dark Trolls. Both have attacked California several times, but failed to gain any ground. Fortunately, these two groups hate each other and will never work together.

To the southeast you’ll find Arizona, a wretched desert kingdom that is ruled with an iron claw by the Snake People. They have attacked California twice, the last time in 1980. They were beaten back and badly hurt by a Rain of Fireballs.

Immediately to the south is Mexico, home of all sorts of terrible creatures. The worst of the lot are the Aztec Mummies and the Dire Chupacabras. While not overly intelligent, these creatures are many and persistent.

Finally, to the north is Oregon, home of the Rain Dwarves and the Beaver People. They are formidable opponents who work together well. Fortunately, they cannot devote enough manpower to a full attack on California because then the Dragons of Washington would attack from the north and the Idaho Goblins would ravage the east.

We won’t even get into the odd threats from the Salt Demons of Utah, the Volcano Giants of Wyoming or the Skinwalkers of New Mexico.

All of the above are why 60% of California’s GNP goes to defense.

What Fresh Hail Is This?

…well, that’s how it sounds in the South.


The Doclopedia #1,080

Golden States: Deadifornia

The year was 1850 and a group of miners had found a rich vein of gold in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains. Then they busted through into an ancient cavern and released a strange dust that killed them all. About an hour later, the 7 miners rose up as undead and left the mine. The dust slowly drifted out of the mine and uphill, infecting more that 120 other miners. All of them rose up as the undead.

Now, some of these undead were brain eating zombies, some were flesh eating zombies and others were blood drinking vampires. Except for the brain eaters, each one created more of it’s kind. In just under 6 months, there were almost no humans left in California.

The united states government, with help from Mexico and several other countries, tried to destroy the undead. It only ended up increasing their ranks. Then, somebody noticed that the vampires, ghouls, zombies and other undead never left a certain area, which turned out to be the borders of California as we know it. There is no explanation for this.

In the current year of 1920, and starting in 1853, California is a closed off place. The borders are heavily patrolled 24/7. Thankfully, the undead do not enter oceans, lakes or large rivers, although they do seem to find ways to float across the latter on natural or man made rafts. Despite the sealing off of the area, gold greedy folks do slip in every year. None of them ever return.

The California undead are not very smart, but are quite cunning in a predatory way. They do not seem to decompose. All of them are active day and night. Much of the time they subsist on the blood, brains & flesh of feral cattle, horses, pigs & sheep. All dogs & cats left the state decades ago. The undead never seem to attack native creatures, even the huge Grizzly Bears that will kill undead on sight.

Thrilling Spicy Horror Tales Of Suspenseful Scientific Mystery

…that should cover everything.


The Doclopedia #1,079

Golden States: Long California

This version of California is only different in that it includes the Baja peninsula and an equally long 200 miles wide strip of eastern shore of the Sea of Cortez. This pretty much doubles California’s size and gave it a huge amount of arable land once desalinization plants were built to supply water. It also allowed California to become a worldwide mecca for tourists. In fact, after agriculture and high technology, tourism is California’s biggest source of income.

In most other ways, California is pretty much the same as it has always been, except Texans hate it even more than they do here.

The Legend Of The Golden Platypus

…an action packed silly adventure


The Doclopedia #1,078

Golden States: The Bear Flag Empire

If you thought the Bear Flag Republic was a different sort of California, the Bear Flag Empire of California will knock your socks off.

In the current year of 2013, the Bear Flag Empire of California Is made up of what we know as California, the western 2/3 of Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, half of New Mexico, the western third of Utah, Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the Phillipines, Cuba, All of Central America, Chile, many dozens of Pacific Islands including New Zealand, all of Ireland, a big chunk of equatorial Africa and the whole damned Moon. Mars is less than 3 years away from having the Bear Flag planted on it. Several financially unstable European countries have petitioned to join the Empire, including Portugal, Spain, Greece and Italy. Close allies to the BFE are Canada, Australia, India and Japan.

The BFE is the largest economy in the world and could buy and sell Great Britain, The United States and China a few times over. There are 5 billion humans on Earth and about a third of them are citizens of the Empire. They are fiercely loyal to the Empress, Jasmine I and to the Empire itself.

In the BFE, citizens have enormous freedom and, by and large, an excellent standard of living. Voting is mandatory, taxes are low and, of course, the Empire owns 75% of everything. That doesn’t mean they take 75% of your hard earned money (unless you are a multi-billionaire), just that nobody really owns control of their business, home, farm, etc. Most of the time, you’d never know this, but if somebody breaks the law or otherwise fucks up, the government will step in and take control of things.

Racism, sexism, homophobia or any other form of discrimination are not only illegal, they carry a mandatory 10 years in prison, no parole allowed, plus hefty fines. You can TALK about such things (though very few do) but you can’t do them. Violent crimes of any sort carry the death penalty, which gets carried out after two fast moving appeals. If you win your appeal, you get life in prison. Empire prisons were formerly in Antarctica, but are now underground on the moon.

Major exports from the BFE are fusion power plants, foods of all sorts, motion pictures, music, electric cars, high tech of all sorts and solar cells.

The Rare And Beautiful Singing Mouse Hippo Of Potawango Island

…they get together for 4 part harmonies



The Doclopedia #1,077

Golden States: The Bear Flag Republic

The great state of California exists on many versions of Earth, but it’s not always the California we know. In some universes, California is a country, as we’ll see in the next few entries.

On Earth 42-E, California became the Bear Flag Republic in 1830. This happened when, in 1828, gold was discovered in several different places by both poor Mexicans and poor white guys from the United States. All of them wanted to keep things secret until they could establish claims, but they managed to find out about each other pretty early on. They didn’t much like each other, but fortunately they had two men among them who were more willing to negotiate and much smarter than the average poor Joe.

On the Mexican side, there was Alberto Loveless, a half Mexican, half English genius who had fallen upon hard times. He was university educated and wanted his fellow miners to get a fair shake. He also wanted to get some revenge on the Mexican Government. And yes, he wouldn’t mind a bit of wealth and power.

On the other side, the Anglos decided that they’d be represented by Samson York, a young fellow from Boston who was smart, shrewd and looking to make a name for himself. Of course, wealth and power would be nice, too.

Putting their heads together, Loveless and York had the miners “mine like hell”, stashing the gold away in a well guarded location high in the sierra Nevada mountains. At the same time, they took turns going to other countries (including the US & Mexico) and arranging loans of everything from money to guns to manpower. This was surprisingly easy to do when you had 5-6 pounds of gold nuggets to show off.

Eventually, allied with at least 9 countries, 11 banks and an untold number of plain old greedy bastards, they set about the last phase of their plan: recruiting people to come live in a new country. Considering how badly poor folks are treated in most places, they had an easy time of it. They also got many native peoples on their side.

When the war broke out, Mexico lost quickly, mostly due to it still being in recovery after the War of Independence it had fought not too many years earlier. Not being stupid, York & Loveless quickly signed a mutually beneficial pact with Mexico, just to show no hard feelings.

As soon as the war ended, people started to flood into the Bear Flag Republic. LOTS of people, including runaway slaves from the US and Chinese that the new country had brought over by the boatload. In just a couple of years, the population reached a million people. The Constitution gave the ruling Council of Five great power, but also gave the people all kinds of freedom. Things were looking good.

Then, in 1832, York, Loveless and their cronies announced that the BFR was just full of gold. In a year, the population doubled. Many people got very wealthy and many others got to settle down in a nice new country that pretty much didn’t care what you looked like as long as you paid your taxes.

By the time the USA started getting up in the BFR’s face, the genius of Doctor Alberto Loveless had produced several amazing weapons that could easily hold off any aggression. The USA had to swallow the bitter pill that what in our world would be California, half each of Nevada & Arizona and a good chunk of Oregon was indeed a new independent country.

Now (current year 1980) the Bear Flag Republic is the third richest nation on Earth and a leader in most things. Except gold production. That pretty much dried up by 1890.

The Heartwarming Holiday Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Temple Of Screaming Madness

…co-starring her pet tree kangaroo, Hepzibah

The UnTurkey Day Report

As I have mentioned before, Grace and I vowed early on (before we were even married) to never prepare a traditional Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving. Eat one at someone elses house, yes (tho we have yet to that), but cook one of our own, no.

So, yesterday, we had our 12th UnTurkey Day meal. It was very delicious. The menu was: beef ribs, spaetzel, mushroom gravy and a big old garden salad. We were gonna have pound cake with cherry sauce, but we were too stuffed for dessert. The Girls got to eat the rib bones and they loved ’em.

Next year, I’m thinking we’ll have something Asian.

Aside from the meal, yesterday was pretty laid back. The high point of the day was talking to my mom on the phone and finding out that her 84 year old sister has apparently “gone off her goddamn rocker” complete with paranoid delusions and dementia. Mom said her kids are trying to get her into some sort of facility that will care for her. That’s a good thing. My aunt was always a kinda mean spirited old bitch and now, as mom said, “she’s mean spirited and nutty, so it’s better if they lock her away”.

My family has a thick streak of both dark humor and brutal honesty. Gotta love it.

So, you ask, what is the plan today for us here at Casa del Hound Dog? Well, after a rousing trip to the dog park, it’ll be Grace doing homework/class projects and me doing gardening…mostly plant division and transplanting. The Girls will probably play some D&D&D (that’s Dungeons & Dragons & Dogs) and then nap.

And for those of you in less wonderful places than Northern California (which would be everywhere else except Hawaii), it is sunny, cool and cloudless blue skies here.

More bloggage, including Violet, later.