Not In This Issue: Cheeseburgers, Skateboards Or Vikings

…maybe next month

 

The Doclopedia #1,120

A Child’s Book Of…: Survival

From the introduction…

Listen up, kid! This book will help you survive out in the world. It’s going to be tough, but if you learn the things in this book, you’ll be able to live and grow up.

You’ve probably been given this book by a nursebot or maybe an older kid. It means that you are 9 or 10 years old and have to leave the dome you’ve been living in and go out into the world. You might be afraid, but you have to do it. The domes were designed to hold only about 300 humans and you need to make room for new babies. Besides, if you can find a safe place to live, you can grow up to kill the crazies and the monsters. Kill enough of them and you’ll make the world a whole lot safer.

You need to remember a few things besides the stuff this book will teach you. Here they are.

1: You’ll leave the dome with a bunch of other kids through one of the 7 tunnels. Once you leave the tunnel, NEVER come back to the dome and STAY IN A GROUP. You will die if you try to go it alone out there.

2: For the first two days, run as fast as you can for as long as you can, stop to rest and eat your food bars, then run some more. By the time you are two days out, there will be fewer crazies or monsters. They like to stay near the domes.

3: DO NOT build a fire until your third night out and ONLY if you are in a pretty safe and sheltered place. Monsters and crazies see fire and know humans are around.

4: DO NOT TRUST ANY ADULTS! Most adults outside are crazies and many that aren’t are bad people. You can only trust adults that live in walled villages, but villages are hard to find.

5: DO NOT eat any plant not listed on your edible plants list.

6: DO NOT trust and robots you might meet. There are very few of them left, but they are all insane killers.

7: STAY OFF THE ROADS!

8: NEVER lose your weapons and take every chance you get to make/find new ones.

9: STAY AWAY FROM THE RUINED CITIES AND TOWN!

10: If you meet up with any dogs, trust them. They will probably help you find a safe place to start a village.

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The Rare And Beautiful Squealing Lizards Of Potawango Island

…they drop out of trees onto your head

 

The Doclopedia #1,119

A Child’s Book Of…: Aliens

A few excerpts:

BALROGIANS are named after the Balrog from “Lord of the Rings, but they are not evil at all. Standing 15 feet tall, the Balrogians are sometimes referred to as the “Gardeners of the Galaxy” because they are masters of tending plant life.

Balrogians come from the Fentarus system, which is 350 light years from earth. They have muscular bodies, red and black skin, no hair and big horns. They can only speak to other sapients using a Universal Translator because they normally communicate in the subsonic range.

There are 320 Balrogians living on Earth. Most of them are studying Terran Botany.

GOOOODAKDAKDAKS come from the two largest gas giants orbiting Morax Alpha. They somewhat resemble Terran jellyfish, but are much larger. The biggest among them are 15 meters across and 45 meters long.

The Goooodakdakdaks have little in the way of advanced technology, but are masters of mathematics, philosophy, organic chemistry (which they can do within themselves) and a type of art called “gas sculpture”.

Only a very few Goooodakdakdaks have ever left their home system. To do this requires enormous and expensive ships and at least 7 Goooodakdakdaks to travel together. Currently, they are looking into colonizing gas giants in other systems.

NOATIANS are native to the planet Hargivar, which is currently experiencing an ice age. The primitive Noatians live near the edge of the great ice sheets and are hunter gatherers who do a bit of farming (mostly tubers) during the short spring and summer.

Noatians look remarkably human and are 87% genetically compatible with Terran humans. It is believed that they might be descended from humans traken from Earth by the First Races.