My Life Among The Women Who Are Smarter Than I Am

…which is pretty much all of them.

The Doclopedia #661

Dangerous Animals!: Budgies!

This is station KDOG broadcasting out of Henryville, Nebraska. We’ve rigged our station to broadcast at 500,000 watts, but we don’t know how long it will last. The power keeps the Budgies away from the transmitter tower, but they’re all around our building and we can’t escape. This broadcast is meant to aid survivors.”

You must go as far north as you can. Autumn is coming and the Budgies shouldn’t be able to handle extreme cold. Take as much food and other supplies as possible. Use the largest vehicles you can find. The budgies are now the size of large eagles and they can drop two pound rocks through your windshield, so be sure to protect all the glass on your cars. We’ve heard that they can pry open car doors with their beaks, so arm yourselves!”

Military reports say that Australia, original home of budgerigars, is devoid of human life and that the Budgies there are nearly man sized. No word has come from anybody west of the Rockies in three weeks. Reports out of Europe, Asia, Africa and South America tell of massive deaths and panic, as well as starvation.”

Do not listen to the Budgies speak! Doing so will drive you insane! Use earplugs or headphones to block them out. Above all, stay alert for Budgie patrols! Keep watching the skies! Keep watching the skies!”

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The Doclopedia #662

Dangerous Animals!: Guinea Pigs!

Dear Connie,

I hope this message finds you. It was pure luck that I found the drain pipe that leads to the river.

The experiments never stop. A constant steam of people enter this facility and more than half of them only leave to go to the crematorium. Medical experiments, psychological experiments, survival experiments…you can’t imagine it. On the one hand, I’m glad my disabilities caused them to make me a janitor. On the other, I don’t know how much longer I can watch this and still remain sane.

Recently, I’ve seen mice, rabbits, hamsters and many other animals around here. The kinds of animals we used to experiment on. I think the Guinea Pigs have found a way to pass on their mutant DNA. If that’s true, it means even more genius level animals will be experimenting on us.

I must go now. If this reaches you, know that I love you with all my heart and hope you can stay safe. If they come for you, don’t let them take you. Use the pistol in the closet. Don’t let them take you.

Love, 

Dan

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It’s All Fun & Games Until Somebody Loses An Eye, An Ear And Part Of A Nose

…who knew that a blender could explode?

 

The Doclopedia #660

 

Dangerous Animals!: Puppies!

From the Republican Party pamphlet “The Puppy Menace”, 1953

 

It is exactly this cute, helpless look that allows the Puppy to infiltrate our government, our military, our businesses and even our homes. Americans are kindhearted people and Puppies use this against us. Remember that Puppies and puppies (aka baby dogs) may look alike, but that is where the similarity ends. A puppy can grow up to be a loyal friend to your family, but a Puppy seeks only to use his mind control powers to destroy America and enslave mankind forever!”

 

 

We have conclusive proof that many of our allies in Europe are already secretly enslaved by Puppies. Rumors also persist that Russia and Red China are also quietly fighting against takeover. News out of Africa is sketchy, but we can assume that Puppies are at work their, too. Mexico, Central and South America seem alright, but the rate of dog ownership has increased 150% in the last four years. Coincidence? We think not.”

 

 

Our neighbor to the north, Canada, has publicly stated that the Puppy Menace is “madness” and “paranoia of the worst kind”. Is any more proof needed that the Puppies are already in control up there? If so, we offer this: two months ago, a major hockey game was not televised by the CBC. Instead, they covered a dog show!”

 

 

How do you tell if the sweet little dog you see is a Puppy? In most cases, you can’t! Your friends in the Republican Party advise adopting or purchasing only adult dogs from well known establishments.”

 

 

Finally, some people have expressed concerns about cats. While we have no proof that cats are working with Puppies, there have been rumors of feline association with Puppies. Stay alert, America!”

Handsome Joe Gets A New House

…with three doggie doors!

 

The Doclopedia #657

Dangerous Animals!: Ducklings!

Alpha Charlie to Base…Alpha Charlie to Base! We’ve encountered the enemy at coordinates Foxtrot One Niner, near the long pond. Jesus, there must be ten thousand Quackies! Enemy is moving fast, really fast. Estimate twenty percent of our forces got hit by the Cuteness and are not reacting properly. Standard rounds nearly ineffective due to small size of the enemy. Shit, they’re just tiny ducklings! How can you hit something that small and fast! Negative on the flamethrowers, Base. No effect and the little bastards just absorb the fire and spit it back. Artillery is almost as useless. They can hear the rounds coming and just run out of the way. You can’t believe how fast they are!”

5 minutes later

Alpha Charlie to Base. We are in retreat! Repeat, we are in retreat! Fifty to sixty percent casualties on our side. Maybe ten percent on the Quacky side. Request air support to hold them back. Jesus, hurry it up, Base. Oh God! Ohgodohgod! There are Quackies pouring over the hills! Oh God, it must be a hundred thousand or more! Too fast, too fast! Get that air support here! They’re gaining on our trucks! Oh shit, they’re getting ready to breath fire! Base, you’ve got to……”

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The Doclopedia #658

Dangerous Animals!: Guppies!

I used to love the water. Swimming, fishing, taking a boat out for an overnight cruise on a river or lake. Don’t even get me started on trips to the beach with Gail and the kids & dogs.

Then the guppies got loose from that lab in Florida. Guppies? When people heard about that on CNN or Fox or wherever, we just laughed. Half a million tiny tropical fish loose in the Everglades. They’d be lunch for a couple of days. End of story.

But then, we didn’t know about them being genetically modified, did we? We didn’t know how fast they could breed or how they could now hunt in packs and kill and eat larger fish. Or snakes. Or freaking small alligators. And we sure as hell didn’t know about them having a hive mind or that they engineered their escape from that lab by controlling some cleaning lady.

From fertilized egg to breeding adult in 6 fucking weeks! That first hundred thousand probably numbered a couple of million in that time. By the time wildlife biologists noticed that fish, snakes, gators and other wildlife were disappearing, there must have been billions of guppies and some of them had adapted for saltwater living.

Now nobody lives any closer that a couple of miles to any ocean, river, creek or lake that connects to a river or creek. Still, those cute little guppies manage to mind control and eat a million or so humans a year that think they can get close to the water for “just a moment”.

Yeah, I used to love the water.

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The Doclopedia #659

Dangerous Animals!: Bunnies!

Now, students, we come to the Great Failed Experiment, the terraforming of Mars. Now, the actual process of terraforning Mars began in 2015 with the introduction of mosses, lichens and other simple plants that added oxygen to the atmosphere. 100 tons of such plants were placed upon the planet, most near the North pole where water ice forms. Twenty years later, both ice caps were melted when comets Hendry-Kosama 1 and 2, the so called Twin Comets, were crashed into the poles. Between the released gasses and the dust, the planet cooled, then warmed a bit. This allowed the introduction of bioengineered algae & grasses, plus worms and other soil dwelling creatures. Some decades later came other plants and animals, as well as vast amounts of water from the Jovian moons.”

Eventually, the Great Mirrors were finished and the average daytime temperature on Mars rose to about 60 degrees. At this point, humans and many other higher life forms were placed on the planet. This included Dwarf Rabbits. At first, all went well. Due to the still thin atmosphere, most humans lived in domes. Outside, animals adapted as though they were living on mountains here on Earth. Everything seemed to be going well. Sadly, that was not the truth.”

We may never know what raised the intelligence of the bunnies, but they are at least as smart as we are. Unbeknown to humans, they bred in large numbers in secret and somehow caused other animals to become smarter, though never as smart as they are. Eventually, they made themselves known to the humans and, after a short but bloody conflict, chased all humans off of Mars. In the rush to leave, however, the humans forgot to destroy the Robot Creation Center.”

Naturally, we humans would have none of that and began building up a military response. A month before it was due to launch, the robot fleet arrived and destroyed it. The Bunny Queen then broadcast a message saying “Stay away from Mars or humans will die in the billions. You are not ready to associate with us yet.” That was all that was said in public and a week later, the World Council declared Mars off limits except for Very Long Range Observation.”

That was 50 years ago and aside from knowing that the Bunnies have built huge cities, canals, a spaceport and a small artificial moon, we have no idea what they are up to.”

Hot Bloggage! Now Only $5.25 Per Pound

…when purchased in the 20 pound Family Pack

 

The Doclopedia #656

Dangerous Animals!: Kittens!

Oh sure, Citizen, a kitten may look cute, but they are very dangerous. Every year, upwards of 5,000 people are killed and eaten by roving prides of kittens! They usually send out one member of the pride, the alpha male, to look cute and playful and sweet. Uninformed Citizens then ooh and aww and try to pet them. In a flash, the kitten bites onto their hand with its razor sharp teeth. Moments later, the rest of the pride, which can number as high as 60, attack with fang and claw. The pain is excruciating and death from blood loss is quick. However, even before the victim is dead, the hungry kittens begin to feast.

Kittens: Don’t Let The Cuteness Kill You!