The Rare And Beautiful 27 Spotted Barking Hamster Of Potawango Island

…they don’t bark very loudly, but they do it often.

The Doclopedia #1,184

Send In The Clowns: Azgoloth, The Last Clown

From the diary of Diana Turner Late Spring, 2058? Dear Diary, I don’t think I’ll last much longer. Haven’t eaten in three days. Last night I was on the mountain top, huddled in a big crack in the rocks and I could see him, miles away, destroying what was left of a small town. He must be 500 feet tall now and he’s still seeking us out. I haven’t seen a sign of another human in 3 months. Diary, I’m going to wrap you in plastic and foil and leave you here. I’ll put my phone with you, so maybe the spacers can find you if they ever come back to Earth. Once you’re tucked away, I’m going down off the mountain and heading for the coast. It’s 200 miles away and I may not make it, but I’m going to try. Now, a message for any Spacers who find this. His name is Azgoloth. He calls himself The Last Clown. He’s a demonic alien or something and he came into being in the winter of 2055, just a few months after the big 15th anniversary celebration for the Lunar Colony and the opening of the L5 Colony. Back then, he was just a normal sized clown who was killing folks in little out the way small towns. That only lasted about two months. Then, he slaughtered and ate 300 people, the entire population, of Smith Corners, Arkansas. That took him 6 weeks and by the time he was done, he was 9 feet tall. I was a reporter for Net News Now and I saw what he had done in Smith Corners. He ate them, leaving very few pieces behind, then he burned the town to the ground. It was horrible. Three days later he hit Grover, Arkansas, a town of 2,000. The police and military tried to stop him, but he seems to be immune to all weapons. Later, when he was 150 feet tall and destroying Paris, France, they tried using a nuclear weapon on him. He never even stopped laughing. When he was attacking Calcutta, he began releasing the Madness fever. People got sick, then turned into insane flesh eating psychos. They lived for months, spreading the disease until two thirds of the world’s remaining population was infected. Then, Azgoloth summoned them to him. He feasted upon them for months, mostly in China, but later as he went about destroying more of civilization As you know, he cannot leave the Earth. You out there in space are safe from him, as is any species NOT human here planetside. You wouldn’t want to be here anyway. Before I had to go on the run, I interviewed a man in Mexico who told me that Azgoloth was called into being by radical End Times Christians who wanted to hurry the Rapture along. Apparently, they needed to think of something for him to take the form of and some idiot thought of a clown. It is thought that once the last human on Earth is gone, he will leave our dimension for his own, never to return unless summoned again. I’m guessing that if you find this, he will have been gone quite a while, but make 100% sure of it. I’ll end this now. Good luck and goodbye.

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A Pocket Full Of Butter

…oh no, my good pants

The Doclopedia #1,177

The Truth About Monsters: Demons

In the pocket dimension known as “Demarra”, the beings that we call Demons look and act surprisingly like we do. Indeed, if you were transported there safely, you’d fit right in.

The key word there is “safely”. You see, transporting between realities via magic is inherently unsafe and it is doubly so when going from or to most realities and Demarra. The magical energies warp and restructure your body while filling you with great power. When a Demarran arrives here, they look, well, demonic and they are under the control of the summoner. The same thing would happen if we went there, but Demarrans don’t practice magic.

Needless to say, the Demarrans hate being summoned and used for fouls purposes. That’s why they try like hell to kill the mages who summon them, something they do with increasing frequency of late. In fact, the government of Demarra has instituted mandatory “Summoner Eradication” classes for all citizens.

So stop summoning Demons, mages! Go back to making deals with dragons and liches!