The Mysterious and Tense, Yet Somewhat Psychedelic, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Meatloaf Of The Damned

…co-starring her best buddy, Orville Sweetcracker

Doc Update

Time for an update about life here at the D&G Cross Home For Wayward Basset Bitches. I haven’t been doing these as regularly as I used to, so maybe this will be the start of renewed personal updatage. Or not.

Healthwise, I’m now taking blood pressure meds due to my previously excellent BP going a bit high recently. I’m only taking half a pill a day, so I guess I’m not in danger of keeling over any time soon. I’ve also been told that my blood sugar is “nearly into the pre-diabetic range”, which pretty much means “lose some weight, fat boy!”.

Grace’s low level diabetes has cranked up a notch, so she is taking pills now and keeping a much closer eye on her numbers with twice daily tests. She has lost something like 75 pounds over the last year or so, but will keep on losing until things improve.

Winker is still taking her blood thinner and her diuretic, so she is doing pretty darned well for a dog who was so close to death just about a year ago.

Lucy and Sasha are as healthy as can be. In fact, our efforts to fatten Sasha up just a bit (she was very skinny when we adopted her) have not been as successful as we hoped. Being a “sporty” basset, she just burns off calories at a hell of a rate. Still, we have gotten her to a point where you can’t see her ribs.

Jobwise, things are still the same, which means we will be on our Adventure In Poverty until we either get fat raises or win the lottery.

One speed bump in our financial road will come when I am off work after my shoulder operation in March. That will be about 6 weeks, depending upon how well my physical therapy goes. Things will be very tight on the money front for awhile.

Gardenwise, I don’t know if we’ll have a veggie garden this year. Between the goofy ass weather (as in NO WINTER!) and my surgery/recovery, we’ll probably just have a couple of tomato plants and maybe some green beans.

In gaming news, I’m looking forward to my annual trek to Dundracon. It will be good to be immersed in geekdom and hang out with my tribe for a few days. Beyond that, I’m planning on getting my gaming group together in late April for some regular roleplaying again. I’m not sure what genre we’ll play in, but some sort of Pulp Era game sounds good.

Hark! I hear certain hounds telling me that it is time for walkies. More bloggage soon!

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After The Change Came: Series 2

Sin On Horseback

Once again, I haven’t written in a week. This time, the reason is that Doc and I have been drafted by several Wizards to go off on some cockamamie road trip looking for, as they put it “signs of something troubling”. Did they know what the signs would be? No. Did they know what the troubling thing might be? No. Did they know who the hell was behind these signs of troubling crap that Wizards didn’t know anything about? Hell no! They just told us to head northeast from Sacramento starting at noon on Tuesday, which we did. On horseback. Well, actually, muleback, since Doc prefers mules to horses.

Not that these are just any mules, don’t you know. Sirroco (Rocky) and Bellflower (Belle) are, Smart Mules, born of the first Smart Horse and Smart Donkey. Unlike many brothers and sisters, they get along very well. Unlike most mules, they are both fertile, so one day if they find mates, they could produce more Smart Mules.

So far, our trip has taken us way up into the Sierras, where besides freezing our asses off, we happened upon the remains of an abandoned lakeside village that had burned to the ground some months ago. After a bit of sleuthing, we determined that it had been torched on purpose, almost certainly by magical fire.. Doc, ever the Nature Boy, also noted that there was a very faint trail leading west. We followed it down into the foothills, passing areas that might have been camps last summer. At one of these camps, I found some large footprints in what had been mud, but was now nearly hard as rock due to our dry winter.

The footprints were nearly as large as Doc’s feet (which means long and very wide) and whoever made them probably weighed in excess of 200 pounds and wore soft leather footwear. Doc looked at those footprints a long while, then went to a pond about half a mile away. When he came back, all he would say is that his spider sense was tingling and we needed to pick up the pace.

That was yesterday and this morning we lost the trail after coming to an intersection of two paved roads. After thinking a bit, Doc decided to turn north for a bit, which is why tonight we are staying at a small hotel in Chico. I am so glad to have a hot shower and a real bed to sleep in. Unlike Old Yellow Eyes, I’m a city boy. Camping out is fun about once or twice a year…in the summer. This winter camping and riding all day is nuts. My poor ass feels like it has been hit by a truck after six days in the saddle. I’m also not too happy to have to dress all butch for a week or more.

Unfortunately, my complaints would fall on deaf ears even if I could find a Wizard to bitch at. Doc understands that this isn’t my preferred lifestyle, but we appear to be onto something big and he’s all in thinking mode, so it would be wrong to bother him. I guess I’ll just slip into the nice warm bed and sleep until the inevitable too fucking early o’clock wake up call.

More bloggage soon.

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Handsome Joe Catches A Rabbit

…and has no idea what to do with it

Saturday In Review

Aside from starting the diet, today was pretty much a cockup as far as my plans went. First off, the only Home Depot that rents weed whackers rented them all out by the time I got there. That hosed my main gardening plans. I still did some yard work and transplanting, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Didn’t watch movies with Grace due to her being somewhat under the weather. The two filthy bitches are still dirty & stinky, but in a very cute and sweet manner. They will get washed tomorrow for sure.

I did grocery shopping and walked Lucy twice and I finished reading “World War Z”. I highly reccomend it to anybody not put off by the sometimes gory zombie subject matter.

I did no writing, but I do think today was more of a resting day than a writing day. Tomorrow should be more writing friendly.

I may not weed whack the yard until next weekend, since I have to take Grace to the doctor and a couple of other places. I will continue transplanting plants from pots to the driveway garden and I may just dig up a few plants from other garden spots and stick ’em in there for the winter.

Hmmm…I’m getting the urge both eat a snack (yogurt with blueberries) and do some editing/rewriting on older stuff.

I’m outta here. More bloggage soon.

Crazed Ichthyosaurs Terrorized My Sea Hares With Spotted Spurge

…I’ll wait while you google it

Chapter 777: In Which Your Humble Narrator Hits The Wall

Those of you who read my fiction blog will have noticed that I haven’t posted anything there for several days. On Facebook, my comments and posts have slowed to a trickle. It’s been three days since I did any rewriting or editing of anything.

The reasons for all of this are varied. Not sleeping enough or well…not eating properly…worrying about Grace and Winker and their health problems…pissed off that my weight has gone up again…headaches…etc, etc.

I’ve mentioned recently that I’m taking Monday & Tuesday off this coming week to have another little staycation. The way things are shaping up, it should go a long way towards getting me back on the writing path, as well as get me on the diet path. Generally speaking, it’s looking like this will be my schedule…

Saturday: Start strict diet and walking schedule…rent weed whacker and lay waste to my weedy foes all over my property…wash filthy bitches…watch movies with my sweetie

Sunday: Sleep in…walk a mile or two…go shopping with Grace…apply organic herbacides to the remnants of my weedy foes…relax & write…cook & clean…relax some more

Monday: Sleep in…walk…write…clean house…walk…write…cook…relax

Tuesday: Same as Monday, except for a short break for my regular UVB treatment

My goals for this 4 day weekend are: Get the yards ready for some Serious Renovation…Get back in the habit of walking (both on the treadmill and on the road)… Get back to eating right…Catch up on sleep…Resume writing and get at least a week ahead on Doclopedia posts and fiction posts.

We shall see on Wednesday morning how well I did.

The Blatantly Pornographic, Yet Still Somehow Work Safe, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Three Hunky Guys

…co-starring her best friend, Fully Flexible Francine

Doc Update #47,003

READING: World War Z by Max Brooks
EATING: Too damned much. Severe dieting & exercise starts soon
DOING: Removal of summer garden veggies/Planting of the winter garden veggies.
WRITING: As much as possible, but still not enough.
LISTENING: To more Americana and Swing, less Rock and Country
PREPARING: For a bunch of garden digging and Fall Curryfest.
THINKING: About getting a new gaming group together to try out an idea for an adventure series. If you live in or near Sacramento and want to play, leave a comment below. Also: old gaming group will restart soon!
ANTICIPATING: Four day Fall Mini Staycation!
SAVING: Money for 15th Anniversary, DunDraCon, Xmas & my birthday, in that order.
BORED: With politics on all levels. Let’s just move on to the bloody revolution and get it over with.
WANTING: A new laptop, since this one is a dinosaur…an old, sick dinosaur.

And now, the last of the Doclopedia re-posts from the alternate future as detailed last month.

 

The Doclopedia #384

 When I Ruled The World: Titan Red

 I was built to conquer the world, you know, not rule it. That was to be the job of Professor Grimes and his associates. I would conquer, they would rule. It was a simple enough plan, but like most plans, there was plenty of room for error.

 Not on my part, of course. I was more than able to stride across the civilized countries of the world and lay waste to their armies. It’s quite easy when you are 80 feet tall, indestructible and armed with destructo rays, electro pulses and a wide variety of other weapons. Personally, I always liked the destructo ray. Just look at something, activate the ray and watch it blow up! What could be simpler to use or more demoralizing to your opponent? Did you know that I only had to use the destructo ray once to get the entire French army to surrender? Of course, not every country was such a pushover. The Americans and the Russians in particular fought me until they were practically using their bare hands! I have the greatest respect for them.

 So I held up my end and conquered the world, but shortly before I finished, Professor Grimes, Professor Hartmann and most of the rest of the team were killed by an experiment gone wrong. Something to do with bacteria, I’m told. Anyway, it left only Professors Brinlay and Okobashi to rule the world and they were none too keen on or qualified for the job. They had always assumed that Professor Grimes or Professor Hartmann or one of the other, more aggressive scientists would do the actual ruling and let them pursue their studies of meteorology and marine biology, respectively.

 So they told me to do it.

 I really had very little idea of how to do anything but destroy armies and intimidate humans, so I asked them if they could at least give me a list of demands to issue to the people. They did so and I relayed these to the conqured populace of the world. They were…

 1: Dismantle any remaining militaries.

2: Build more schools of all types.

3: Supply the World Science League (the above mentioned two professors) with whatever they might ask for.

4: Crack down on crime.

5: Go about your business and live good lives.

 This all went exceedingly well for a good number of years. Once in awhile the League (which was recruiting new members on a regular basis) would add something else to the list…I know that lowering the price of chocolate was very popular…but mostly, they let things just go along without much supervision. Of course, that is what eventually undid things for them.

 You see, with nothing to do on the death and destruction front, I was mostly just wandering about giving people a reminder that Titan Red had beaten them once and would do it again if he had to. There was no visible resistance to my rule, so I naturally assumed that everyone was towing the line. Silly me.

In 1925, those pesky Americans and their Russian partners rose up in defiance, killed the members of the League and very nearly destroyed me. They were a creative and cunning lot and had spent the three plus decades of my rule working in secret to build weapons to use against me. The sonic bombs and the plasma guns were just first rate, I’ll tell you. Oh, how we slugged it out! That great big crater where St. Louis used to be? That was created by eight solid days of fighting! It was wonderful!

 Eventually, I was pushed to the point where I had to decide between fight or flight. It’s a testament to my advanced circuitry that I had evolved enough to know that he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. After sending out a message saying that humans could have the ruling of the world back, I went into hiding in the remote north woods of Canada.

 That was 122 years ago and I changed locations every few decades. Then that United Earth science team located me using a pair of satellites and came to offer me amnesty. It seems that I’m no longer a threat, now that your technology can so easily destroy me. Instead, they’ve offered me a job as a sort of “living history” exhibit in the World Museum of Science. I’m quite looking forward to it, I must say.

The Doclopedia #385

When I Ruled The World: The Green Gangster

1966 was a great year for me, I’ll tell ya. Right off the bat, January 5th, I kick the oh-so-heroic ass of Silver Eagle and goddamn Aussie prick, The Destructor. See, I’d been partnered up with Destructor for a couple of months…robbing various national treasuries and such…and he let me use one of his weapons. He was all “At some point in the fight, I’ll let Silver Eagle knock me back and then you can shoot him with the Destructo Beam” and I’m thinking “yeah, well fuck you, kangaroo dick, I’m gonna shoot you both”. Which I did and it surprised the hell outta all of us when they both fell to the ground. Of course, slamming into the ground surprised them even more, since it friggin’ near killed ’em! That’s when I realized that the Destructo Beam wasn’t working right and instead of fryin’ a superhuman, it removed their powers. Just to be sure, when the Legion Of Justice showed up a few minutes later to help old Silver Eagle out, I zapped the six of them. Then, once they were just normal humans, I slapped ’em all around before I made my exit.

Speakin’ of normal humans, I shot a few of them, too. Nothin’ happened, so I decide to head back to my secret lair and plan out how to best start ridding the world of superhumans. First thing I did was get hold of The Duplicator and have him make about 2 dozen copies of the Destructo Beam. Then I shot him with one of them and then kicked his powerless ass to the curb. After that, it was as easy as letting the superhuman crowd know that I was the one who got rid of Silver Eagle and the rest of them bums.

I’m tellin’ ya, it was like shootin’ fish in a barrel! A gang of supervillains would show up the same time as a bunch of heroes, they’d all start fightin’ and then my gang and I would pick ’em off. Inside of a week, we had eliminated 90% of the superhumans on earth. Huntin’ down that last 10% took another month, but when we were done, I was the last superhuman on the planet. Naturally, I destroyed all the copies of the Destructo Beam and hid the original real good.

Conquering the world…and I mean the who fuckin’ world, Jack…took me 6 months of hard work, but it was worth it. Hey, when yer the only guy on the planet with steel hard skin, super strength and the ability to fly at just under Mach 6, you get shit done when you want it done. My castle, there where downtown Chicago used to be, that place was nice. Always full of good booze, fine food, hot chicks and world leaders just lookin’ to kiss my ass. Hahaha!

Yeah, 1966 was great and so was 1967 through 1969. Then it all went to hell on me. See, I’d figured that I had nothin’ to fear from the non-super powered heroes. I mean, I could swat guys like Dark Hunter and Detective X into an early grave, right? You betcha!

But I didn’t think that they just might infiltrate my gang, go through my personal stuff and figure out where I’d hidden that last Destructo Beam. Fuckin’ detectives! So because I’d misjudged those mooks, I get shot square in the gut on the morning of February 17th, 1969 and lose my powers. My gang starts shooting each other, but they miss the detectives. Meanwhile, I’m running like hell for my secret escape tunnel when Miss Judge clocks me in the head with a sweeping kick. When I wake up, I’m in a cell and I ain’t been out of one in the last 26 years.

The worst thing about the whole friggin’ affair was that I didn’t even get rid of all the superhumans! Seems that many of ’em had secret identities and families and kids. Puberty comes around and suddenly, the world has superheroes and supervillains again.

But ya know, there for awhile, I had the world by the ass, buddy.

The Doclopedia #386

 When I Ruled The World: Queen Elior of Caltria

 When I ruled the world, there was peace and plenty. There were artists working on projects that would last a thousand years. Poets and authors created wonderful works and there was a thriving theater community doing all manner of plays and other stage shows. Women were treated exactly as men under my legal system.

 The study of magic was opened up to anyone with the talent. I ordered the construction of many schools for young wizards & witches. Universities were established so that older and more powerful wizards could collaborate on unlocking the great magical mysteries.

 Children all got an excellent education and there were more than enough jobs to go around for the adults. I set aside vast tracts of land for the preservation of both animals and the non-human races who wished to live there. Great public works minimized the chances of floods and droughts. I ordered the building and maintenance of roads on all continents.

 I promoted sobriety and made gambling illegal. The looting of dungeons and other ancient ruins was very heavily taxed and restricted. War was a thing of the past, along with poverty and most major crime.

 It was a golden age, those fifty three years. A pity that it did not, could not last.

 It seems that my advisors and I seriously underestimated the deep need of most races to wallow in sin, vice, conflict and misfortune. Give people perfection and they rush to it and embrace it lovingly…for awhile. Soon enough, they go looking for trouble and even an army of spirit warriors such as mine cannot stop them from finding it.

 Ah yes, my army of souls, a bit of a miscalculation there, too. The initial war of conquest took 17 years before the entire planet was under my rule. During that time, the spirit army enjoyed their work. Afterwards, however, they found the boring duties of a peacetime force to be stifling. I allowed half the army to leave this plane after the ten year mark, then half of the remainder was let go at the twenty five year point. On the fiftieth anniversary, I let the rest go, sure that I had established a new and educated populace that would be better than their ancestors. How wrong I was.

 Three years later and here I am, living a good life of exile on an island nobody can ever locate. The world, while still better in many ways than it was before my rule, is much as it was before I took it over. There are wars, sneaky dealings, adventurers everywhere, monsters terrorizing the countryside…it pains me to go on.

 I’m told that already there are people, mostly powerful wizards, plotting to conquer the world. To that I can only say “Good luck holding on to it if you do”. 

Sects & Vile Inns

…I have no shame

Doc Update

1: As this post proves, my attempt to do general blogging on a regular schedule is failing miserably.

2: On the other hand, the fiction blog is getting new posts 6 days a week.

3: I’ll be having another 4 day staycation from October 22-25. The theme of this one is “Rearrange and Organize, then Write More”. We’ll see how that goes.

4: Spinach, lettuce & winter veg in the ground this weekend, you bet!

5: Is there anything you, Gentle Readers, whould like to see me blog about? That is, assuming you are even reading this, let alone commenting. Which you are not. Commenting, I mean.

And now, time for some of that fiction writing. More blogging here soon.

Eating Tacos In Freefall

…eat fast, amigo

Ok, no Doclopedia post just yet, but hey, I only have 100 more to go to hit the 365 goal!

I was asked the other day what will become of the Doclopedia posts after the 365 point. Here’s the low down…

I’ll still do Doclopedia posts, but most of them will go up directly on my The Dociverse website. Maybe 1 or 2 a week will go up here, which ain’t bad since I’m only going to do 4 per week.

On the days I don’t do Doclopedia posts, I hope to post short fiction, reviews and other writings here. Again, some of the things I’ll write will be website exclusive.

Finally, I’ll also be working on compiling a PDF or two for sale. First up will be a compilation of characters from the Doclopedia, expanded and with a few all new ones.

And on top of all that, I’ll still be doing regular fiction blog posts, Facebook posts and who knows what else.

Doc Tempest And The Demon On The Radio

…from the December 1930 issue

And the weekend starts off poorly…

Broke a tooth off of my upper dental plate. I won’t be able to see the dentist for about a week, at which time I’ll get a whole new plate made, since I’m way overdue for one.

I’m about to head off for the Sacramento ASPCA Spring Book Sale, which lasts for 9 days and usually nets me some good reading.

Later on, it’s gardening time! I am seriously considering having a plant sale next weekend. I have a ton of extra plants that need new homes.

I’m outta here. More blogging later.