Soybean Stew

…healthy and fartilicious!

 

The Doclopedia #867

Random Stuff!: Zebra Fever

 

On Earth 22A, in the year 1966, a strange plague ravaged the planet, causing all humans to develop streaky skin colors that included skin tones from all the various ethnic groups. In addition, everyone developed curly red hair, green eyes and full lips. By the time it was all over, everybody looked the same. These changes were genetic, so their children had the same look. Many people heralded this as a wonderful thing, since humans could no longer hate each other based upon what color their skin was. Yes, people would live in peace and everyone was equal.

 

Except for tall people…and short people…and fat people…and women…and the various political ideologies…and religious beliefs…and females…and males…skinny people…left handers…nerds…jocks…old folks…teenagers…hockey fans…wine snobs…cat lovers….bikers…the French…

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The Doclopedia #868

Random Stuff!: Space Trek Meets Space Wars

 

This movie was proposed in 2000 by the studios behind the Space Trek and Space Wars franchises. Many high profile directors were announced as being in the running as director. The budget would be 200 million dollars. The story & script were to be written by fan favorite writers, It would be incredible!

 

Unfortunately, the project had to be shelved after 25,946 fanboys died of heart attacks from just reading the first press release.

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The Doclopedia #869

Random Stuff!: Canine Duplication Syndrome

 

This disease, which is uncommon, but not rare, affects dogs of all ages, sizes, breeds and sexes. In short, it causes the dog to spontaeneously create up to three duplicates of itself. While the duplicates are in all ways just like the original dog, that only means that there is X times the chances of the dogs doing whatever naughty/destructive/disgusting things the original might be prone to do. Entire houses have been ravaged by these duplicates and their originals. No shoes or garbage cans are safe. Taking your dog for a walk can be an ordeal. Cleaning up poop in your yard can take hours. Your cat? Expect him/her to leave town.

 

There is no known cure for CDS, but scientists are working on it.

 

 

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The Bear Liberation Front

…they’re coming for you, Steven Colbert

 

The Doclopedia #865

Random Stuff!: Britwan (AKA The Britwish Isles)

 

Britwan is made up of three main islands (Britwan, Dorland & Litria) and 47 smaller islands, the largest of which is Woygon and the smallest of which is North Rock. All of the islands were “conquered” by the ancient Britwish monarch, King Borton the Bold, about 1,000 years ago. This conquest was pretty bloodless and, in fact, was welcomed by the Dorlish faeries and the Litrian tribesmen, since Borton pretty much killed off all of the large & dangerous predators in each land and also brought much desired trade between the three lands. Everybody prospered and didn’t have to watch out fot dragonsnakes or tentacle bears, which is why there are statues of King Borton all over the place.

 

Dorland and Britwan have a pretty mild climate, while Litria is a good deal colder and wetter much of the year. Dorland has few mountains, but many rolling forest covered hills. Britwan has a few mountains, five broad river valleys, a chain of medium sized lakes and light forests everywhere but on the mountains. Litria is half rolling plains and half rough mountains covered in huge ancient forests. Litria also has the most mineral wealth of all the islands.

 

Magic is strongest in Dorland, fairly weak in Britwan and wild & dangerous in Litria. Magical creatures tend to be much like the magic on each island.

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The Doclopedia #866

Random Stuff!: A Very Useful Walking Cane For Gentlemen

 

As you can see, Sir Peter, this cane is hand carved from the finest mahogany, then hand polished. As one might expect, it holds a sword of the finest steel, but there are some other additions of note. The crystal globe that serves as the cane’s head is, in fact, the magnifier for one of the new electric torches that is hidden in the handle of the sword. It is quite bright and the batteries will give up to four hours of continuous light. Very handy, to be sure.”

 

Now, let us examin the other end of the cane. This last three inches are lead filled steal with very fine engraving. The lead allows quite a blow to be administered to ruffians, vicious dogs or wild beasts. If one goes a bit further up the cane to this carving of a dragon, we find that it slides back to reveal six waterproof matches. The carving of a griffon slides open to allow one to store a small item or two. Finally, back up below the handle, we see a compass imbedded into the cane and a carving of a lion that will nicely hold several pound notes.”

 

Oh, of course we can, deliver it along with your other items. Now, please allow me to show you a most remarkable pair of shoes.”

Mr. Porkwaffle Attempts To Barbecue A Pig

…this will not end well

 

The Doclopedia #862

Random Stuff!: The Lost City Of Gorlumek

 

Saying that the Great Forest of Yurr is dangerous is like saying that water is wet. This huge forest covers nearly two million acres and is home to creatures like noctomorphs, fangbears, kreeloks and greater death apes. Even the plants found there are dangerous, especially the soul fungus and the daggerweed. The weather in the forest ranges from foggy & wet to icy cold with plenty of snow. In all, the Great Forest of Yurr is a place best avoided by sane folk.

 

And yet, dozens of adventurers willingly enter the forest every year in a possibly suicidal attempt to find the Lost City of Gorlumek.

 

The city, which we know existed a thousand years ago, before it was destroyed by Dark Magic, once housed over a quarter million people. A high percentage of them were mages & wizards, since Gorlumek was the center for magic for the ancient Fwaan Empire. The production of magical weapons, armor and devices was a booming industry. But, as mentioned above, something went wrong and the city was destroyed and all of the people in it were killed. With Gormulek gone, the Fwaan Empire fell soon after.

 

Legend says that the city sits in the exact center of the forest, near a river and a lake. Legend does not say what might inhabit the city now, but you can be pretty sure it won’t be very nice.

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The Doclopedia #863

Random Stuff!: Luck Muffins

 

Chef Otto Deedrikson loves to bake muffins and he’s very good at it. His bakery, Muffinopolis, sells 39 kinds of muffins and you’d better get there early, because they sell out fast.

 

Now, if you know the proper code phrase, Otto will sell you one of his 40th variety of muffin, the Luck Muffin. These taste deliciously different for each person, but you don’t buy them for the taste, you buy them for the good luck you get.

 

Yes, for 6 hours after you eat one, you will have great luck. Going to the dentist for a check up? Eat a Luck Muffin and you won’t have a single cavity. Got to drive somewhere? No speeding tickets or accidents for you! Going on a date? Prepare for a very good time. Buying a lottery ticket? Well, you know how that will go.

 

Otto only bakes a dozen Luck Muffins at a time and only does it on Tuesdays & Thursdays. The muffins will stay fresh and full of Luck for up to 24 hours after you buy one.

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The Doclopedia #864

Random Stuff!: The Awesome Spider-Bat #100

 

Dude! That was the issue with art by Jack Ditko and story by Lee Stanz! It not only retold Spider-Bat’s origin in more detail, it was the first time he fought Garbage Man and the Villains Inc. There were guest appearences by Captain Africa, the Incredible What and the Girl Gladiators. Oh, yeah, it also featured the return of Spider-Dog, who is pretty awesome all by himself.

 

Dude, that comic is worth like, $75,000.00! Man, if we could find one of those, we could buy an entire run of “Fantastic Guy” comics and still buy like, a hundred pizzas!

The Totally Spooky And Very Halloweeny Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Giant Killer Pumpkin

…c0-starring her new best pal, Partly Green George

 

The Doclopedia #860

Top Ten Lists!: Bad New Product Ideas

 

10: Vegetable Goo In A Can

9: Artificial Rutabaga Flavored Whipped Topping

8: Ultra Thin Toilet Paper

7: Frozen Goat Eyes On A Stick

6: Sushi Flavored Toothpaste

5: Chlorophyll Cola

4: Liversicles

3: Cream Of Mountain Oyster Soup

2: Bunnyburgers

1: Skunk Milk Cheese

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The Doclopedia #861

Top Ten Lists!: Things Geeks Say During Sex

 

10: “Arming photon torpedo of love”

9: “Oh, Doctor, do me Time Lord style”

8: “Shiny! Shiny! Shinyshinyshiny!”

7: “Say my name!” “Oh God, yes, you are the gaddamn Batman!”

6: “Come here and sheath that +4 Sword of Orgasms, baby!”

5: “Oh yes, yes YES! Make it so, Number One!”

4: “Khhhaaaaannnnnnn!”

3: “Flame on!”

2: “Oh yes, the Force is strong in you, young Jedi!”

1: “Ohgod! Ohgod! I’m going to cast Fireballllllllll!!!!”

 

 

Minnows In A Milk Glass

…that’s pretty unexpected

 

The Doclopedia #858

Top Ten Lists!: Movie Monsters That Never Caught On

 

10: Baby Mummy

9: Weresloth

8: Vampire who hungers for sweat

7: 200 foot tall penguin

6: Werenewt

5: Terminator robot built to look like a Yorkshire Terrier

4: The invisible guy in the visible wheelchair

3: The creature from the goldfish pond

2: Vampire who hungers for spit

1: Phantom of the Walmart

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The Doclopedia #859

Top Ten Lists!: Campaign Promises You’ll Never Hear

 

10: Vote for me and I’ll shut the hell up

9: Vote for me and I’ll never run for any office again

8: Vote for me and if I ever screw up, you can shoot me

7: Vote for me and I’ll personally bitchslap everyone in the Legislative Branch

6: Vote for me and I’ll kiss your ass for real

5: Vote for me and I’ll put that other bastard in jail

4: Vote for me and I will never ever fuck the country over

3: Vote for me and I’ll put an end to “reality” TV

2: Vote for me and I’ll tell you all what really happened at Roswell

1: Vote for me and I’ll hang a few investment bankers on Wall Street

National “Take A Moose To Lunch” Week

…it’s fun, if you don’t mind standing in a pond

 

The Doclopedia #856

Top Ten Lists!: Headlines From A Pet Tabloid

 

10: Sex lives of Humans: Hilarious and strange!

9: Underwear addiction: One Dog’s horror story!

8: I was a lap Cat for Elvis!

7: Lose weight on the toilet water diet!

6: Cats & Bunnies: The love that dare not speak it’s name!

5: Parrots of the stars tell all!

4: I barked at Bigfoot and lived to tell about it!

3: Startling evidence that catnip was a gift from aliens!

2: Hamster tells all about the “Habitrail from Hell”!

1: Male Dogs & Cats confess: We went to the vet intact, but came home missing something!

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The Doclopedia #857

Top Ten Lists!: Things That You Do Not Want To Hear

 

10: “My parents are home from their shooting practice early!”

9: “The doctor said it’s at least triplets!”

8: “Oh shit! My husband, the Mafia enforcer, is home!

7: “I’m running for Congress. You can trust me.”

6: “I’m pretty sure that there is a werewolf.”

5: “My, you Earthlings look yummy.”

4: “I’m about half sure it’s the red wire.”

3: “Hi. Do you remember having sex with a woman about 19 years ago?”

2: “It would appear that you owe several years of back taxes.”

1: “Did you hear that a remake of “My Mother The Car” is coming to TV?”

 

 

Handsome Joe And His Pals Play In The Mud

…what a bunch of dirty puppies, kittens & bunnies!

 

The Doclopedia #855

Alt. Elections & Debates: Kennedy VS Nixon

 

In our world, thew first debate between John Kennedy and Richard Nixon is one of the most famous of all and it turned the election for Kennedy, who won by a very narrow margin. On Earth 2B, things turned out quite differently.

 

Right off the bat, Nixon was not in good shape physically, just as he was in our world. He had been sick, refused TV makeup, etc, but on Earth 2B, he also had a good stiff shot of bourbon to steady his nerves just before the debate started. Combined with his medications, this only made him perform worse than he did here.

 

Kennedy did just as well as did here, picked up points in the polls and was ready for the next debate. He planned to go a bit harder on Nixon, to keep his momentum up.

 

Before the second debate, Nixon felt much better and got makeup to look better on TV. Unfortunately, and not known until nearly three decades later, he had an allergy to one of the makeup products that was used. The reaction was that he felt a bit lightheaded and itchy. On camera, this turned into looking unfocused and nervous. Again, Kennedy was the winner in most people’s minds.

 

The next two debates were about the same and John Kennedy won by a much larger margin than he did in our world. Nixon, depressed and now drinking a bit too much, went into seclusion and never ran for political office again.

 

John Kennedy was not assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, mostly due to the fact that he had broken his ankle two days earlier while walking to an interview about the 1960 debates with Nixon. There was an attempted assassination in January of 1964, but it was foiled by the gunman getting struck by a car on his way to the hit. Dying in the hospital, Lee Harvey Oswald confessed everything.

 

Kennedy was re-elected in 1964, beating Barry Goldwater handily. In 1968, his brother, Robert, escaped assasination in Los Angeles when news that Richard Nixon had attempted suicide caused the crowd to shift, knocking Sirhan Sirhan down and making his gun go off. Robert Kennedy was elected and then re-elected in 1972.

 

Richard Nixon died in 1991, three years after doctors discovered his allergy to the makeup used back in 1960. His reported reaction upon hearing the news? “Well, that sucks.”