Minnows In A Milk Glass

…that’s pretty unexpected

 

The Doclopedia #858

Top Ten Lists!: Movie Monsters That Never Caught On

 

10: Baby Mummy

9: Weresloth

8: Vampire who hungers for sweat

7: 200 foot tall penguin

6: Werenewt

5: Terminator robot built to look like a Yorkshire Terrier

4: The invisible guy in the visible wheelchair

3: The creature from the goldfish pond

2: Vampire who hungers for spit

1: Phantom of the Walmart

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The Doclopedia #859

Top Ten Lists!: Campaign Promises You’ll Never Hear

 

10: Vote for me and I’ll shut the hell up

9: Vote for me and I’ll never run for any office again

8: Vote for me and if I ever screw up, you can shoot me

7: Vote for me and I’ll personally bitchslap everyone in the Legislative Branch

6: Vote for me and I’ll kiss your ass for real

5: Vote for me and I’ll put that other bastard in jail

4: Vote for me and I will never ever fuck the country over

3: Vote for me and I’ll put an end to “reality” TV

2: Vote for me and I’ll tell you all what really happened at Roswell

1: Vote for me and I’ll hang a few investment bankers on Wall Street

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National “Take A Moose To Lunch” Week

…it’s fun, if you don’t mind standing in a pond

 

The Doclopedia #856

Top Ten Lists!: Headlines From A Pet Tabloid

 

10: Sex lives of Humans: Hilarious and strange!

9: Underwear addiction: One Dog’s horror story!

8: I was a lap Cat for Elvis!

7: Lose weight on the toilet water diet!

6: Cats & Bunnies: The love that dare not speak it’s name!

5: Parrots of the stars tell all!

4: I barked at Bigfoot and lived to tell about it!

3: Startling evidence that catnip was a gift from aliens!

2: Hamster tells all about the “Habitrail from Hell”!

1: Male Dogs & Cats confess: We went to the vet intact, but came home missing something!

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The Doclopedia #857

Top Ten Lists!: Things That You Do Not Want To Hear

 

10: “My parents are home from their shooting practice early!”

9: “The doctor said it’s at least triplets!”

8: “Oh shit! My husband, the Mafia enforcer, is home!

7: “I’m running for Congress. You can trust me.”

6: “I’m pretty sure that there is a werewolf.”

5: “My, you Earthlings look yummy.”

4: “I’m about half sure it’s the red wire.”

3: “Hi. Do you remember having sex with a woman about 19 years ago?”

2: “It would appear that you owe several years of back taxes.”

1: “Did you hear that a remake of “My Mother The Car” is coming to TV?”

 

 

Handsome Joe And His Pals Play In The Mud

…what a bunch of dirty puppies, kittens & bunnies!

 

The Doclopedia #855

Alt. Elections & Debates: Kennedy VS Nixon

 

In our world, thew first debate between John Kennedy and Richard Nixon is one of the most famous of all and it turned the election for Kennedy, who won by a very narrow margin. On Earth 2B, things turned out quite differently.

 

Right off the bat, Nixon was not in good shape physically, just as he was in our world. He had been sick, refused TV makeup, etc, but on Earth 2B, he also had a good stiff shot of bourbon to steady his nerves just before the debate started. Combined with his medications, this only made him perform worse than he did here.

 

Kennedy did just as well as did here, picked up points in the polls and was ready for the next debate. He planned to go a bit harder on Nixon, to keep his momentum up.

 

Before the second debate, Nixon felt much better and got makeup to look better on TV. Unfortunately, and not known until nearly three decades later, he had an allergy to one of the makeup products that was used. The reaction was that he felt a bit lightheaded and itchy. On camera, this turned into looking unfocused and nervous. Again, Kennedy was the winner in most people’s minds.

 

The next two debates were about the same and John Kennedy won by a much larger margin than he did in our world. Nixon, depressed and now drinking a bit too much, went into seclusion and never ran for political office again.

 

John Kennedy was not assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, mostly due to the fact that he had broken his ankle two days earlier while walking to an interview about the 1960 debates with Nixon. There was an attempted assassination in January of 1964, but it was foiled by the gunman getting struck by a car on his way to the hit. Dying in the hospital, Lee Harvey Oswald confessed everything.

 

Kennedy was re-elected in 1964, beating Barry Goldwater handily. In 1968, his brother, Robert, escaped assasination in Los Angeles when news that Richard Nixon had attempted suicide caused the crowd to shift, knocking Sirhan Sirhan down and making his gun go off. Robert Kennedy was elected and then re-elected in 1972.

 

Richard Nixon died in 1991, three years after doctors discovered his allergy to the makeup used back in 1960. His reported reaction upon hearing the news? “Well, that sucks.”

How To Look Really Cool While Screwing Up

…I need that book

 

The Doclopedia #853

Alt. Elections & Debates: Simmons VS Leong VS Espinosa VS Jyrzinski

 

On Earth 4G, U.S. politics is a whole lot more convoluted than it is here. For example, take the 1996 election for president, in which candidates from the top four parties all had enough backing, both financial & popular, to make it onto the November ballot.

 

Dan Simmons, the Republican, ran on a platform of making the United States a “paradise for business”, mostly by lowering taxes on the rich and getting rid of most regulations.

 

The Democrat, Martha Leong, campaigned for better education, fairer taxes on the wealthy and more money for space exploration. She was also pro-choice and favored “sensible regulations”.

 

Michelle Espinosa, the Family Values candidate, was anti-abortion, wanted the line between Church & State blurred or removed, demanded stricter censorship of all entertainment media and was against sex education in our schools.

 

Mark Jyrzinski was the Green Party candidate and was for much tighter environmental laws, green energy, reducing the budget for the Defense Department and in favor of more Public Television.

 

On our Earth, there might have been some sort of deals cut between parties, but on Earth 4G, that sort of thinking didn’t fly. Because of that inflexibility, and a Senate & House made up of the members of 7 different parties, the candidates had to just slug it out. Mud was slung, names were called, big bucks were spent on ads and only the lack of gunfire distinguished the debates from a gang war.

 

In the end, it got so bad that the candidates were resorting to actual hard facts. The pundits were at a loss for words about that turn of events.

 

In the end, the Green Party candidate won by 25,000 votes. The Republican became a lobbyist for Big Oil. The Democrat ran for governor of her home state and won. The Family Values candidate went home, but was later caught up in a real estate scam.

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The Doclopedia #854

Alt. Elections & Debates: Lincoln VS Douglas

 

No, no, not THAT Lincoln & Douglas! This is about Gertrude Lincoln running against Abigail Douglas for the office of mayor in Boochville, Kansas (population 4,387) back in 1976. Gertrude was a native daughter of Boochville and didn’t really cotton to fancy big city ideas about, well, anything. She was a tall imposing and stern looking woman who, quite frankly, scared the bejeesus out of most folks. Her husband, Ernest, spent much of his time on the family farm, talking to the livestock.

 

Abigail Douglas was also a nativer of Boochville, but she had left at 18 to go to college in California, where she became a doctor. After being gone for ten years, she returned home to take over at the clinic for old Doc Evans, who was retiring to tavel around in one of those big recreational vehicler. Unlike Gertrude, Abigail was short, friendly and didn’t scare anybody.

 

During the campaign, Abigail expoused some pretty new fangled ideas about how to run the town, while Gertrude berated them as “hippie thinking” and “an attempt to turn Boochville into San Francisco”. Abigail often chuckled at these remarks and replied that Gertrude reminded her of her grandmother, which infuriated Gertrude and made the audience there at the Grange hall think they might be about to witness a murder.

 

In the end, most likely due to the voting age being 18, Abigail won by 256 votes. Gertrude never ran for office again and she and Ernest eventually retired down in Texas. Under Abigail’s mayorship, businesses did well, the new interstate freeway spur went in just east of town and a big company from San Francisco built a warehouse facility right near there. The population swelled to 7,000 by 1988 and the Boochville Bears won the Western Kansas High School Football Championship three years in a row. Yep, Abigail was good for Boochville.

Under Constriction

…darn that python

 

The Doclopedia #851

Alt. Elections & Debates: Muldoon VS Watkins

 

On Earth 3B, one of the 20th Century’s most memorable debates took place October of 1922 in New York City. Michael Muldoon and Harold Watkins were both running for Governor and it was time for their first public debate, which was to be held in a large meeting hall. Attendance was very good, standing room only, as the two men entered the hall. Both were looking ready for a fight, which figured since both of them were the product of rough Irish neighborhoods and not prone to backing down on anything. The campaign so far had been one of much acrimony and mudslinging.

 

Witnesses said that the first two minutes of the debate were very nearly civil, right up until Muldoon called Watkins a “half Brit sodomite”, at which point Watkins “punched him so hard it knocked him off his feet”. From there on, the fighting picked up steam and overflowed into the street.

 

Muldoon was the larger man, but Watkins was no little guy and he had the edge in speed. They beat the hell out of each other over the course of 14 blocks, shouting out curses and campaign promises equally. The crowd, meanwhile, kept growing with each passing minute. This was, as one man later said, “the best feckin’ debate I ever saw”. Wisely, the police did not try to stop it, A few officers did, however, take bets on the “debate”.

 

In the end, both men were covered in mud and blood when Watkins finally landed the knockout blow. Just before he collapsed, he shouted out “And by God, that’s why you ought to vote for me!” Later on, Watkins & Muldoon were treated for a wide variety of injuries.

 

Watkins won the election and served three terms. Muldoon later became Mayor of New York City and the two of them worked very well together.

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The Doclopedia #852

Alt. Elections & Debates: Oogrok VS Sorgo

 

From the debate between Oogrok, Chief of the Round Valley Clan, and his opponent, Sorgo the Mighty Hunter, circa 18,000 BC. The moderator was Ikchuk, the Wise Woman.

 

Ikchuk: “Oogrok win rock toss. Me ask Oogrok first question, him answer, then Sorgo respond. Oogrok, you promise to find place where hunting easy. Hunting here not easy. WTF?”

 

Oogrok: “Me have found place with good water, plenty berries in summer, no cave bears. Me working on finding good hunting nearby, but this mean that all pitch in with food donations so me have food when going out looking.”

 

Sorgo: “Water good, yes. No cave bear, but sometimes big cats come, Oogrok! Berries not enough for whole clan for winter! And why you need so much food for simple 2-3 day hunting trip? Friends, Sorgo hunt and bring back meat! Sorgo find new hunting place where we can live!”

 

Ikchuk: “Sorgo, what you think of Oogrok plan to plant seeds and grow food plants near village?”

 

Sorgo: “Planting seeds unproven technology! Could anger sky gods! Next thing you know, Oogrok say we tame wolves! Hunting proven over many winters, my friends. Sorgo say hunt, baby, hunt!

 

Oogrok: “Sorgo want you to always move village to new hunting grounds! Oogrok say, why not grow food here, not move village? Last summer, we grow much food. This summer, Tomo make trap for fish in river, we dry many fish for winter. Sky gods no get mad. Soon, we plant tiny fruit trees nearby. No more walk long way for tree fruit!”

 

Ikchuk: “Oogrok, you recently say we should build houses out of logs & mud. This pretty radical idea, but you start work on first one. Cannot move this kind of house. You serious about us staying here?”

 

Oogrok: “Moving all the time dangerous and tiring. Oogrok say, live here, enbrace green technology, have better life. If Sorgo and friends want to go hunt, that ok, but Oogrok not want to get trampled by mammoth or eaten by cave bear. We make village here, live good, have many babies, not get eaten or trampled!”

 

Sorgo: “Oogrok want us to leave behind our valued tradition of moving to hunt! Oogrok have daangerous radical ideas! You no vote Oogrok! You vote Sorgo!

 

Ikchuk: “Thank you, men. Goodnight, Clan. You be sure to vote.”

 

 

Deceptive Lobsters Bilked My Shrimp

…they bilked them out of a million clams

 

The Doclopedia #848

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “The Incredible Dr. Monster”

 

The very low budget ($2,000.00) horror movie “The Incredible Dr. Monster” should have vanished from the public mind about ten seconds ofter it came out on the drive in circuit back in 1966, Should have, but didn’t. No, it actually made a pretty great profit ($80,000.00), no doubt because it was unintentionally hilarious and written, acted in, produced and directed (among many other jobs) by the 12 year old Smart brothers, Rennie and Johnny, who were starring on the hit tv series, “My Goofy Dad”. A year later, they released a sequel, “Dr. Monster’s Monster”, which had a much larger budget ($20,000.00) and also made a very nice profit ($102,000.00). Over the next 4 years, there were two more sequels, “Dr. Monster Returns From The Dead” and “Dr. Monster’s Revenge”

 

As we all know, the Smart brothers went on to become Oscar winning directors & actors who founded the Smart Pictures studio. In 2006, they released all 4 Dr. Monster movies in a collector’s edition with plenty of cool add ons, including a series of new trailers featuring high profile stars in the parts originally done by kid actors.

 

What really made the Dr. Monster movies a huge fan favorite was the fact that they were sold as part of a package of “Creature Feature” movies to local television stations in 1973. Millions of horror/science fiction fans watched them and loved their wacky coolness. By 1990, Dr. Monster movies & costumes were a fixture at various conventions. Many of the cast members, most of whom had done no further acting, were in big demand for convention appearances. Novels, comics and other Dr. Monster tie ins were made and purchased.

 

In 2011, Smart Brothers announced that the films would all be remade by kids. The budgets would be $100,000.00 per film and adults would, for the most part be “told to stay the hell away”. Even better, from a fan point of view, there would be an all new fifth movie (title: “Dr. Monster Conquers The World”) made by the team whose movie makes the most money. Fans are awaiting the first film, which will premiere in 2014, with bated breath.

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The Doclopedia #849

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “Space Journy: The Third Generation”

 

Not much to say here. Series (based upon an older series) comes out and runs for 8 years…fans love it…ancillary products sell billions of dollars worth…conventions…movies…star gets elected to Presidency of the USA…aliens land, saying they have watched it and loved it…President signs treaties with Planetary Council…Earth enters Golden Age of peace & plenty…fans petition for remake of series.

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The Doclopedia #850

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “Mary Potter, Girl Wizard”

 

At first, the huge explosion of Mary Potter fandom was merely amusing to ordinary folks, but then some kids and adults began manifesting magical powers. This grew exponentially among the fans until magic was everywhere.

 

Now, you can barely go outside without nearly being hit by a kwittich ball or damned owl delivering some wizard mail. People call you a “mirgle” they way we used to talk about retarded people, all “sorry they are so messed up” sounding. Don’t even get me started about the giants and trolls and gnomes and stuff. I mean, a friggin’ dragon took a flaming dump in my mom’s garden the other day! I miss the good old days.

The Guy, The Girl And The Clockwork Monkey

…a story of love, adventure and steam power.

 

The Doclopedia #846

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “Parrots & Perils”

 

Now days, there are hundreds of roleplaying games to choose from. No matter what genre or sub-genre or sub-sub-genre you want to play in, chances are you can find an RPG that covers it. But back in the early days of roleplaying, there were very few games to choose from. You had Dungeons & Demons, Ruinquest, Tunnels & Troglodytes and that was about it. They were all pretty similar, both in rules and in settings. There were some minor differences, of course, but nothing too radical.

 

Until Parrots & Peril came along. It pretty much turned roleplaying upside down.

 

Right off the bat, it was different because players took the role of parrots trying to free their homeland from the evil Raven Brotherhood. No humans anywhere in the game or game world. Secondly, rather than have a hundred or more pages of rules, P&P had 32 pages of them and that was all it ever had. Finally, P&P had great looking production values, way better than any other RPG at the time.

 

The game, pardon the pun, flew off the shelves the first year it was out. It became the most popular RPB of the time…until games for superhero, science fiction and horror started coming out. When that happened, P&P started to fade. When all of the other fantasy RPGs had good luck with second editions, P&P came out with a super deluxe second edition that had updated rules and an expanded world to play in. It outsold all of the others.

 

Today, tens of millions of people play P&P, either on the computer or at the gaming table. There are huge P&P conventions and a television series. Fans dress up as their favorite characters from the 186 P&P novels, the 4 movies or the 2 different television series. They have websites, blogs, print fanzines and YoohooTube video blogs about the game. Most fans also collect P&P toys and other items. There are businesses dedicated to just providing a place to run and play P&P games. Parrots & Perils and it’s fans are here to stay.
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The Doclopedia #847

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “Mr. Squiggle’s Magic Hour”

 

From 1965 to 1993, the animated educational series “Mr. Squiggle’s Magic Hour” was a huge favorite among kids from 4 to 10 years of age. The show taught them about science and nature and being a good person. Parents and teachers liked the show because it taught tolerance and acceptance while improving math & science skills. In fact, the only reason the show went off the air was to make room for “Mr. Squiggles & Squiggletown”, also a one hour educational series.

 

The fond memories of the original show followed those children into adulthood. MSMH fan clubs, magazines and other products were created and sold well. References to the show found their way into big budget movies, television shows and popular music.

 

Since many of the kids who watched the show went on to careers in science, it came as no surprise that MSMH characters would pop up in places like screen savers, atop Mt. Everest, drawn onto the head of a pin using a laser, painted on the side of the space shuttle and, most notably, drawn huge on the surface of the moon for the whole world to see using robots.

 

In 2003, PBS revived the series and it is still running today.