The Rare And Beautiful Long Finned Snotfish Of Potawango Island

…don’t get any snot on you
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The Doclopedia #1,704

Tiny Folk Of Note: Talinda Tunneler

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First off, Talinda does not dig tunnels. She is, however, the greatest tunnel guide in the London Metropolitan area. If you need to get from Point A to Point B, or anywhere else, Talinda is the woman to see.

Working out of the Tiny Folk village of Alf’s Basement (a large basement that was sealed off and forgotten in 1760), Talinda guides people through the thousands of miles of pipes and tunnels, some brand new, some a thousand years old, that run beneath Greater London. Blessed with both an excellent memory and a maps compiled by her ancestors, the “Tunnel Lady” knows her way around.

Traveling through the great maze of underground passageways can involve walking, boats, mouse drawn carts, battery operated “tunnel cars” and even hitching a ride on the Underground. Prices are set based upon distance and time. Long trips out to distant suburbs may be quite expensive and take a few days.

Talinda is tall for a Tiny Folk woman, standing just over 6.25 inches. She has black hair worn short and green eyes. She seldom travels alone, preferring the company of her friend Belata Finder.

Please be aware that if Talinda and Belata are off exploring new tunnels, your trip may be lead by one of Talinda’s assistants.
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The Doclopedia #1,705

Tiny Folk Of Note: Nugget The Wanderer

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A native of Auburn, California, Nugget Goldfinder is very seldom in that town, or even within 50 miles of it. The wanderlust took hold of Nugget when he was a small lad and it shows no sign of going away.
Nugget, along with his best friends Poma Seeker and Stanzy Writer have traveled through the foothills and high mountains of the Sierra Nevada Range for the last 45 years. They have gone as far south as the Yosemite Valley and as far north as Mount Shasta. Their mode of travel is extremely rare for Tiny Folk, since they ride cats. Despite cats often being predators of Tiny Folk, these cats love Nugget, Poma and Stanzy.

In recent years, Nugget has thought about leaving the eastern side of California and heading to the Coast Range. He sort of has a hankering to see the ocean and the redwoods.
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By The Time We Got To Plan E, We Just Said To Hell With It.

…probably should have stopped at C
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The Doclopedia #1,702

Tiny Folk Of Note: Hiroshi Yukan’na

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His last name means “The Brave”, and he certainly is. To the Tiny Folk living in Kirishima Kinkowan National Park, in Japan, he is the Great Protector, well known for saving lives, fighting off predators and outwitting humans. His prowess with a large array of weapons is legendary.

When he is not patrolling and protecting his home village, Hiroshi is with his wife and two children, on their mouse ranch. It should be noted that his wife, Ayumi, is a very capable swordswoman and has fought by his side more than once.

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The Doclopedia #1,703

Tiny Folk Of Note: Mr. Kamedi

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Somewhere in Eastern Africa, there are several large Tiny Folk villages that form a union. This union is presuded over by the mysterious Mr. Kamedi. Though he is seldom seen by the people, he is most impressive when he does put in an appearance.

Mr. Kamedi stands a towering 7.25 inches tall and probably weighs nearly a pound. Although he is portly, he also looks very muscular. He typically wears brightly colored robes and a large floppy hat. His voice is gentle and soothing, even when giving a speech.

Mr. Kamedi’s home, and the seat of Union government, is underground beneath the roots of a tree.

The Five Things You Need To Watch Out For

…#3: axe murderers
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The Doclopedia #1,700

Tiny Folk Of Note: Komi Quickshears
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Most of the tiny folk get the fibers they use for clothing from animals like rabbits, squirrels, cats, dogs or even sheep, some prefer more exotic fur and hair for some purposes. That’s where Komi Quickshears comes in.

A native of San Diego, California, Komi lives in Balboa Park, home of the famous San Diego Zoo. He is the undisputed master of getting hair and fur off exotic animals. Komi knows the zoo like the back of his hand and goes there several nights a month to do his collecting.

Aided by his brother, Tombo Lifter, Komi sneaks into the enclosure housing the target animal and sneaks up to it. Then, with surprising speed and silence, he trims off enough fur to fill his order. With some fur, like that from a lion’s mane, he can fill 2 or 3 orders from one individual. For other sorts of fur, say, that from a smaller type of cat or a small monkey, he may have to shear 3 or 4 individuals.

Komi has had several close calls, including one harrowing chase by a mink, but he has always gotten away unharmed.
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The Doclopedia #1,701

Tiny Folk Of Note: Wodan Flyer

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In the forests of New Hampshire lives a very special member of the Tiny Folk, Wodan Fryer, Captain of the Nightcloud, the only Tiny Folk Airship in North America.

Captain Flyer stands 6.25 inches tall and has long gray hair and a bushy beard. He is quite physically fit and active, rather amazing since he is near 60 years old. He is sometimes gruff with his crew of 5, but they love and respect him.

The Nightcloud was built for Wodan 40 years ago by his human friend, Miles Maxwell. The gasbag balloon section of the ship is 8 feet long and 6 feet around at the center. The two level gondola is 6 feet long and 2.5 feet wide. It can seat up to 24 passengers. The ship is propelled by either the wind or wind up propellers. When powered by just propellers, the Nightcloud has an average speed of 3 miles per hour.

As the name implies, the ship travels only at night, to avoid being seen by humans. Fortunately, Tiny Folk have exceptional night vision. Although destinations vary by the week, most trips take between 5 and 8 hours. A couple of times per year, Captain Flyer undertakes longer flights, some lasting 3 or 4 days. His longest trip to date took the ship 155 miles, into the woods of Maine.

A Handbook About Hands & Books

…it’s a very handy book
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The Doclopedia #1,697

My Family: Uncle Red
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Uncle Red was, in most ways, about as ordinary a person as you could imagine. Dairy farmer, churchgoer, lifelong Democrat, Giants & 49ers fan, married 54 years, 4 kids, etc, etc. You might even call him boring.

Except for the fact that he was a lightning rod for weird events. Uncle Red goes to the county fair and all the circus rides short out and run full tilt for 20 minutes. He goes to Yosemite National Park and a dirigible crashes into Half Dome. He goes to San Francisco and a tornado off shore becomes a waterspout and ends up dumping 12 tons of kelp in the financial district. Family trip to Washington, D.C.? Nixon gets elected!

We all liked Uncle Red, but we didn’t invite him to too many family gatherings.

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The Doclopedia #1,698

My Family: Cousin Bingo
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Cousin Bingo was about 15 years older than me and was a clown in the big circus. He was pretty popular and made good money and loved his job. He was a nice guy with only one problem: He never took off his clown makeup. Never.

I asked my mother and my aunt about it once and they just said “He can’t take it off and you don’t ever montion it again, especially to him.”

After that, Cousin Bingo kind of creeped me out.
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The Doclopedia #1,699

My Family: Whitey
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Way, way, WAY before talking dogs & cats & mutant gorilla/raccoon grandchildren were a part of my life, there was Whitey. I classify him as a family member because he lived with my Uncle Amos and Aunt Peri from the time I was 3 years old until I was 22. They never had children and Whitey was like a kid to them.

Whitey was, when he was full grown, a big, white medium length coated mutt. I’m pretty sure he had Saint Bernard in his background, because he weighed in at about 150 pounds and was a slobber factory. Despite that, he was a great dog and everyone loved him.

He was also very smart. At the time, we all just thought “that there is the smartest dog I’ve ever seen”. I know now that he was sapient. I think back on certain things and it’s pretty apparent, now. He could round up farm animals better than a herding dog. Many times, he barked warnings to his humans about dangers, from rattlesnakes to a stove burner left on.

He also watched the evening news more intently that other dogs might and loved nature programs. Once, I’m pretty sure I caught him reading the news paper.

Whitey lived to be almost 19 years old, an astounding age for so large a dog. He died peacefully in his sleep and the whole family mourned his passing. Uncle Amos & Aunt Peri were pretty broken up by it for a couple of years.

Then, one day in the spring, a beautiful 6 month old Irish Setter walked up their driveway. They tried for a couple of months to find his owner, but they never did. They named him Sean and they had him for 16 years. He was also a very smart dog.

I remember telling Sasha, Daisy & Silky about Whitey once. I’m wondering now if they might have had something to do with Sean.

A Little Knight Music

…he’s only 5′ 4″, but has a wonderful singing voice
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The Doclopedia #1,694

My Family: Cousin Emma
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Poor Emma. She’s about the nicest person you could ever meet, but her luck with husbands is just terrible. She’s married to a nice guy now, but her first three were cads.

Charlie, her first husband, was a real asshole and they divorced after 5 years. Even then, when he asked Emma if he could stay in the guest house for a month while he looked for a new place, she said yes. See, he had signed over the house, the car, etc in the divorce. Not sure why, but we all figured he just wanted out of the marriage.

Then, just at the end of that month, Charlie embezzled $250,000.00 from the company that he worked for and split town that night. Emma told the police that she heard a car stop out on the road (the house was about 3 miles outside town) around 1:00 in the morning, and when she peeked out the window, she saw Charlie get in a car with some blonde lady.

They never found Charlie. The police figure he made it to Mexico or somewhere. Emma was kind of upset for a while, but then started working on her new flowerbed and a couple of months later won $100,000.00 at some Indian casino somewhere.

Her second husband, Frank, was rich and seemed like a nice enough guy, but a couple of years into their marriage, he started drinking and cheating. They were on the road to divorce when he wrecked his car one night and got killed. He was seen leaving the bar in a definitely impaired state and just drove right off the road into the canyon near their house. The police said it looked like he swerved hard for some reason, but then, he was drunk. When the cops went to the house to tell Emma, they found the EMTs their, taking care of a bad cut she got when she stumbled into a full length mirror in her bedroom. Busted the mirror and she needed 8 stitched to her hand. Later, she got a million dollar insurance payout.

Her third husband was Clarence. He was older than her and was kind of strange, but he was as rich as she was. Anyway, as the years went by, he seemed to get more possessive of her and jealous, you know? For about a year they seldom went anywhere and didn’t come to family gatherings. Then, one day, old Clarence tripped and fell down a flight of stairs and that was that. Emma was really broken up and after the insurance and will and stuff were taken care of, she took off on a 6 month vacation, to get away and grieve.

Her present husband, Bob, is a great guy. Average looks, 50 years old, works as a mechanic and doesn’t care how rich Emma is. She says he’s a keeper. We are all glad to hear that.
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The Doclopedia #1,695

My Family: Great Uncle Rafael
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Great Uncle Rafael was about 60 when I was born, but he lived to be 97. We never saw him much, but he always seemed nice and he always brought really great candy to family functions.

After he died, Interpol contacted the family and asked us all sorts of questions. So did the FBI, CIA, and about 10 other police and intelligence agencies.

Turns out the old son of a bitch was a criminal mastermind wanted in 110 countries. I wish we had found out when I was a kid, because that would have been hella cool to tell my friends at school.

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The Doclopedia #1,696

My Family: Aunt Queenie
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Okay, technically, Aunt Queenie was nor really anyone’s aunt, being as how she was a ghost and all, but we welcomed her into the family anyway.

She was a hoot at parties, singing and dancing and making the lights dim and a breeze to blow. When she would tell us stories before bed, she’d alter her shape to look like the characters. She was everyone’s favorite.

Sadly, when the house burned down in 1978 due to Cousin Cole having one of his “attacks”, Aunt Queenie passed on into the next life. I still miss her.

PRAWN ATTACK!

…run, damn you, run!
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The Doclopedia #1,692

And Then…: The Self Driving Car Catastrophe
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Look, Officer, I can explain this. God knows I’ll have to explain it to our moms & dads when they get here. Oh Christ, I’ll be grounded forever and Jenna will be…oh, right, I’m sorry. So, we actually started out in Elko, Nevada. This is my dad’s mini RV, but he lets me use it. Well, we thought, you know, self driving car, plenty of room, let’s make out while it drives around town.

So we get down on the floor because the carpet is nice and then, I tell the car to just drive. It asks which way and by that time, we are making out and I just say, “I dunno, west.” But I forgot to tell it to just drive around town.

Anyway, after a few minutes of the car saying stuff like “now crossing Second Street” and “Turning on headlights”, I just yelled shut up and drive. So it did.

So, you were young right? And you know how things go. We made out for a while and then, well, things went further and I told the car to darken the windows and, well, we got busy. And then we rested a bit and got busy again. We were pretty distracted and so we never noticed that the car wasn’t making any turns.

After that second time, we both fell asleep for, well, I guess 4 hours. When we woke up, we grabbed a couple of sodas from the cooler and then got busy a third time. After that, we both used the mini john to pee and then we talked for maybe an hour and then Jenna says “Hey, this car has been driving straight for a long time”, so I go up to the cab and I see a road sign saying something about Sacramento and I figure out what happened.

I tell the car to get off the freeway, so it pulls off at the next exit and it heads to a mall to park and Jenna starts crying and freaking out and I’m freaking out and then the car says it needs to recharge and I tell it to find a station.

So I’m trying to calm Jenna and the car pulls into this parking lot and it hits a bump and I fall onto the control panel and I don’t know what happened. The car tells me it needs a diagnostic run and it can’t move and we’re in a no parking zone and then 15 minutes later it shuts down because it’s too low on juice.

Anyway, I called my folks and Jenna called hers and they are all on the way here. Then you showed up and now I’m thinking maybe my life would be better if you just threw me in jail or shot me.

Aw, officer, please don’t laugh.
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The Doclopedia #1,693

And Then…: The Drunken Mother In Law Debacle
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Sulg just wanted nice wedding. Ogres come, shaman say words, Sulg and Vuna drink wine from skull, then everybody eat and dance and maybe tell stories. But Vuna’s mother show up and then everything go bad.

Vuna’s mother is Harga. Harga big for Ogre female. Big eater, big drinker, big mouth. She sit nice during ceremony. After, she tell Sulg to be good to Vuna or she kill Sulg. Sulg expect talk like that.

Party start. Ogres having good time. Harga drinking lots of wine, eat lots of food. Harga dance with many Ogres. Harga get drunker, then drink more.

Vuna try to get her mother to sit down, but Harga say no. Then Dort, who not right in head, grab Harga by ass. Harga no like and punch Dort in face, knock Dort flat. Vuna tell Sulg maybe time to leave, so we start up hill as fight starts.

Harga yelling and Ogres yelling and everyone fighting. Then Harga pick up big tree limb and start swinging it. Harga knock Nuba and Rif into fire. Pretty soon, big fire burning. Ogres all still fighting. Huts start burning. Harga finally get hit on head and fall down. Some Ogres fight, but some try to put out fire.

Now, half of village burned down. Many Ogres hurt. Hagra put on raft while still knocked out. Will probably be mad when she wakes up far down river.

Sulg and Vuna decide to go live with Bloody Eye Ogres on other side of mountains. Safer there.

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My Cop Radar Saves The Day

…again
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The Doclopedia #1,690

And Then…: The Delicious Stew Event
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So yeah, our hunting and foraging went well, and then Hishik started cooking up a stew. Now as you well know, that lanky sand elf is a great cook. Why he’s running with a bunch of fortune chasers like us, I’ll never know. If I was him, I’d have me a restaurant in a big city and be raking in the coin.

Now, about an hour into the simmering, that stew was smelling mighty good. The air was full of that delicious odor and yet we were all still surprised when the first two Greatwolves showed up. We all jumped to our feet and Wirda drew her sword while Bunsun started an incantation. Then three more of them showed up and we started rethinking things.

See, Greatwolves are maybe three times the size of any regular wolf and smarter than the average person you’ll meet on the street. They’re fast and deadly and real hard to even hurt, let alone kill. The five of us might have stood a chance against two of ’em, but five was a death sentence. When three more showed up, we all sheathed our weapons, forgot about spells and waited for them to do what they were going to do.

And what they did was walk over to that pot, look at Hishik, look at the pot, then look at the stack of plates and bowls. Hishik got the idea and started dishing out the stew.

Well, the Greatwolves ate their fill, bowed down to Hishik, then trotted off and were gone into the dark. We all say down to eat jerky, dried berries and water. While we ate, we agreed that from now on, maybe I should do the cooking.
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The Doclopedia #1,691

And Then…: The Too Many Bugbears Situation
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Now, Count Otalatom, please hear me out as to why all of the expensive fabrics you sent us to get are all soaking wet, along with the four of us and all of our possessions.

You see, we were on the High Trade Road, returning from Edvogon with your fabrics, and then things took a very bad turn. We had already fought and defeated the bandits you feared we might meet, when we came to Linvin Woods. Now normally, that small patch of woods holds nothing to fear, even in the dead of night. It is especially, peaceful at high noon, which is when we entered it.

So imagine our reaction when we saw five large and well armed bugbears coming through the woods from the south, and five more coming from the north! Trying to fight them there would have been suicide, so we made a run for the Red Canyon bridge. We naturally assumed that once on the bridge, the much larger bugbears could only advance one or two abreast, giving us more of a fighting chance.

Alas, there were at least six more bugbears waiting on the other side of the bridge. They were just as big and well armed as the other ten were. We rapidly discussed strategies and decided that the best plan of action was to leap off the bridge into the cold, deep and fast flowing Red Canyon river 90 feet below us.

This we did and miraculously all survived. Half an hour later, the river deposited us into Lake Moyudal and we swam to shore. After a bit of a rest, we made our way here. It was an 8 hour walk and thankfully your majordomo allowed us to rest a few minutes before leading us into your chambers.

I understand your concerns about the fabric, sir, and I feel sure that once properly washed and dried, it will be fine. However, I do feel compelled to tell you that the Queen has taken the protection of her lands and citizens very seriously of late. The fact that at least 16 bugbears have set up shop so near to a major trade route will not make her very happy, especially when she will be visiting here next month. It might…oh, yes sir.

Well then, lads, that got him out of here in a hurry. I reckon him and his soldiers will clear out that bugbear problem by tomorrow or the next day. Now, let’s just repack those expensive fabrics, grab a few valuables and go down to that little dock we saw. I reckon with a bit of a wind rowing, we can be 40 miles south and 20 miles up the Vundulu River before the sun comes up.