The Absolutely Crazy, Yet Still Totally Believable, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Strawberry Jam Incident

…co-starring her best old pal, Wendy Wheatgrass

 

Hot Damn, it’s more Doclopedia entries!

The Doclopedia #1,350

Fun Magic Spells: The Wall of Marshmallow Spell

This spell creates a wall up to 30 feet wide, 10 feet tall and 3 feet thick. As stated, the wall is made up of marshmallow. The outside is dry to the touch, but the interior is very sticky. Getting stuck to it will slow any creature to ¼ of their normal movement rate. If set on fire, the wall will burn and melt in under 3 minutes and will smell delicious.


The Doclopedia #1,351

Fun Magic Spells: The Spiked Water Spell

Casting this spell can cause up to 5 gallons of water to have the same effects as 80 proof alcohol when imbibed. The effects last for varying lengths of time on different individuals, races or species. The water tastes just like ordinary water and does not leave a hangover.

 

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The Dancing Elks Present: Holiday Happenings On Ice

…how the hell do they dance on ice with those hooves?

A very quick post, just so y’all know I’m not dead.

The Doclopedia #1,348

Fun Magic Spells: The Following Fart Cloud

 

Cast this second level spell on someone and their next fart comes out as a noxious green cloud that follows right behind them at a distance of 2 feet. The spell lasts for 5 minutes.

 

The Doclopedia #1,349

Fun Magic Spells: The Merry Wanderers Spell

Cast this on any group of 2 to 6 humanoids and they will transform into a polka band and play a happy song before wandering off in a random direction for the next 30 minutes.

Things I Am Thankful For Besides Sex, Beer, My Wife, My Dogs and Chocolate

…umm…bacon!

And my PATREON BACKERS!

Patreon Backer Shoutout!

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The Doclopedia #1,347

Alt. TV: The Mysterious Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

On Earth 2-B, the television series “The Wild Wild West” was even more popular than it was on our Earth. It also ran 3 years longer, from 1965 to 1972. During that time, the writers and producers turned up the steampunk elements and had Agents West & Gordon encounter several well known characters from late 19th and early 20th century fiction. Fu Manchu made three appearances, and Count Dracula made two. Jekyll & Hyde, Frankenstein’s Monster (who was portrayed as a decent fellow) and Captain Nemo all got episodes.

But the biggest ratings went to the five episodes featuring Sherlock Holmes as a young man. Played by a young British actor named Steven Drake, this Holmes was still learning and not quite the man he would become. He also had a keen interest in the supernatural. After his first 3 appearances on the show hit ratings gold, the producers decided to make a backdoor pilot for a Holmes series. They did this via the only two part episode in The Wild Wild West’s run. Titled “The Night Of The Howling Horror” and “The Night Of The Hunting Wolf”, the episodes found West, Gordon, Holmes and Holmes friend Ian Winters investigating a series of murders in Denver. Sure enough, a werewolf was the culprit and at the end of episode one, West kills him with a silver bullet…just before another werewolf causes all of their horses to bolt, leaving them in the woods on foot. The next episode was pretty much survival horror, albeit tamed way down for television. In the end, the second werewolf turned out to be the wife of the first one.

The ratings were huge, so CBS commissioned a series, which premiered in 1971. Each episode featured a beginning in which an older Holmes, played by Vincent Price, related a story from his younger days to either Dr. Watson, Inspector Lestrade or Mycroft Holmes, although in one episode he told the story to Mrs. Hudson. At the end of each episode, the person who heard the story would often accuse Holmes of having them on.

The stories followed Homes and Winters around the British Isles, Europe, North America and, in three episodes, India. They encountered real supernatural events, from a family of fairies to the Loch Ness Monster, and a few hoaxes. The strangeness was not limited to the supernatural, either. One episode featured aliens, another had a clockwork robot, and a third was about a young woman with strange dietary needs (fresh human hearts). Almost all of the episodes featured a good bit of action and a few steampunk gadgets.

The series was a big hit and ran for 5 years and 150 episodes, ending in May of 1976. Thirty years later, a series of four feature length motion pictures would be made based upon the series most popular episodes.

 

 

The Yellow Blouse Of Seduction

…and other stories of powerful apparel

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,346

The Numbers: 520

520 miles was how far the chase by police and the FBI went in pursuit of Jimmy Ray Waller, noted bank robber, cop killer and general psychopath. He started his spree in Huntsville, Alabama, where Jimmy robbed two banks in rapid succession. Leaving the second bank, he shot and killed two police officers. Within 10 minutes, the chase was on, mostly through local roads and state highways. Jimmy had an accomplice, his best friend Raymond Parker, who used Google maps and a constant stream from local and national news to stay ahead of their pursuers.

Toward the end, there were 24 cars, 5 helicopters and 2 planes following Jimmy. He had managed to shoot 6 more officers, 3 fatally. He had also caused 11 crashes. Most of the chase was watched live on television and the internet by tens of millions of people.

But not the last few minutes, which were blocked by “broadcasting problems”.

The truth is, on a very lonely road in <REDACTED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY>, Jimmy, Raymond and the car vanished into what is now believed to be a “weak point in time”. The government quietly closed off that road and moved everyone to a similar road about 2 miles away, where they staged a fiery car crash, complete with two badly burned corpses. Since neither Jimmy or Raymond had ever been to a dentist, identification was solely done by the drivers of the closest cars in pursuit.

Oddly, no conspiracy theory ever evolved about this event, because near the end of it a Kardashian died out in California and that completely got everybody’s attention.

Meanwhile, the remains on Jimmy, Raymond and the car lie at the bottom of a deep canyon in the middle of a desert 105 million years ago.

The Rare And Beautiful Dripping Yellow Pine Trees Of Potawango Island

…they drip flavored water

 

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The Doclopedia #1,345

The Numbers: 200

There were 200 corpses reanimated when the Russian Government set off a new form of EMP device in 1995. The test took place in Siberia and nobody much gave a thought about that old abandoned cemetery in the woods. The EMP was a failure for what it was intended to do, but it caused the corpses, most buried between 1940 and 1970, to partly regenerate and then reanimate.

For whatever reason, the running dead, who were very strong and very fast, started heading northwest. They completely destroyed 3 villages, killing and eating most of the inhabitants. We should note that nobody killed by these “zombies” ever rose up as undead.

By the time the 200 reached a major town, the army was waiting for them. Sadly, it was not nearly enough army and the zombies only lost 11 of their group while the soldiers lost 39. The town, though mostly evacuated, lost 476 people. The zombies began to spread out in groups of 20-30.

It took another 3 months to kill the rest of the zombies, including the 5 who made it all the way to Moscow and killed 298 people and caused many more to die in the ensuing panic. Russia was cut off from the rest of the world by both United Nations decree and the collapse of the government. It stayed cut off for two years, aside from humanitarian aid. To this day, the border with China is closed and is the most heavily guarded border on earth.

The EMP device that caused all this was lost and has not yet been found, despite huge rewards offered by many governments and the UN.

Junior Muskrat Buys A Snazzy New Hat

…with a feather in it

The Doclopedia #1,344

The Numbers: 42

Carol Miller was 42 when she was exposed to a strange gas that gave her the power to turn totally invisible. Nothing can detect her on any level, including sound, smell or weight. She can go anywhere she can find an open door or other form of entrance. Her clothing turns invisible with her.

Being a wife and a mother, Carol first used her powers to check up on her husband Phil (who proved to be totally loyal to her, but who does play air guitar to rock music when alone at home) and her 3 kids (who are now convinced that there can be no secrets from mom). She also picked up some juicy gossip from her neighbors.

After a month or so of that, however, Carol began to want to do more. In short order she exposed two corrupt town council members, gave police anonymous tips to several drug dealers, saved a few adults and kids from harm and rescued a bunch of lost animals. Since she is also possessed of a mischievous nature, she has also convinced a good number of folks that the old Gruber farm on the edge of town is haunted.

Thanks to some good “anonymous” investing advice, Carol & Phil are set up for an early retirement next year when they both turn 50. They plan on touring the country, during which time Carol will do some good things invisibly while Phil is off playing golf. Among their first stops will be Washington, DC. Carol has some big plans there.

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Scornful Titmice Chastised My Otter

…not that he really gave a fuck, because otter.

The Doclopedia #1,343

The Numbers: 15

15 years is the travel time, even using a Jump 7 Drive, to Yadoris 4, the outermost world of the Terran Empire. Few ships make the trip, which was initially done by the Independent Colony Ship “Maggie’s Mob”. The crew and settlers were mostly made up of disgruntled natives of Appillion 3 and Nelvas 5. lead by the infamous radical, Maggie Merks.

Since the colonists arrived on Yadoris 4, a total of 3 fully automated supply freighters have made the run there. No other humans or other species have wanted to make the trip. It is reported that the colony is now living in three megadomes (domes more than 5, but less than 10 miles across) and doing quite well. The domes are located close to each other on the northern continent, in the vast Plains of Arl.

The Terran Empire considers the colony to be “primarily self-sufficient” and “not a threat to internal stability”.