The Warm Noodle Event

…it was warm and buttery


The Doclopedia #1,156

Dolls: Dollgora

What turned a typical child’s doll into a 300 foot tall city destroying kaiju with laser eyes and acid fog breath? Nobody in Japan has a clue, but when she burst up from below the city, you can bet they tried to find out.

Unfortunately, Dollgora didn’t make researching her easy, what with knocking over buildings and killing thousands with her acid breath. When they sent the military in, the giant doll pretty much took everything they threw at her, then lasered the shit out of them. Makes you wonder why A: the Japanese even bother sending the military up against kaiju, and B: why the hell would anybody join the Japanese military anyway?

Anyway, just about the time Dollgora finishes stomping half of Tokyo into gravel, along comes another kaiju to challenge her to a fight. Japan just cannot catch a break, ya know?

So Dollgora and the other monster, a 250 foot tall chicken that could breath cold out of her mouth and fire explosive eggs out her ass, start duking it out from one end of Japan to the other. After about 4 days of this, the Japanese people are fondly remembering the days of earthquakes, tsunamis and the rare American nuke.

Finally, Dollgora fries the chicken and starts heading for Osaka, unaware that in the last few days, Japanese scientist have discovered how to destroy her. As she was climbing over a mountain, they hit her with some sort of gravity beam that increased her weight about 500 times normal. The doll was crushed into pieces, then those pieces were melted down into plastic slag. Japan was once again safe!

Yeah, right.

The Doclopedia #1,157

Dolls: Beery Babies

OK, pal, right off I gotta give my mother in law credit. She’s the one that knitted the first Beery Baby for me. It kept my hand warm while helping keep my can or bottle of beer cold. And she made it look like a pro wrestler, which was neat.

Anyway, my buddy likes it and asks her to make him one, which she does and he gives her a fiver for her trouble. Before you know it, her and my wife and some aunts are cranking out 10-15 a week for guys here in Chicago.

Well, me and my father in law see the potential in this and we set up a business and get a bunch of gals to knit and pretty soon we’re selling 10,000 Beery Babies a week. We had 102 different ones and pretty soon we added 200 more and then things REALLY took off. When we sold the company, six months before the collecting fad began to fade, we got a cool thirty million bucks for it.

Oh yeah, we still have one of every Beery Baby created. I think they’re in a box out in the garage. Me, I still use that very first one. Of course, now I’m drinking much better beer.

Doc Tempest VS The Deadly Dogs

…from the July, 1956 issue


The Doclopedia #1,155

Dolls: Miracle Baby

On an Earth where several factors came together to drastically lower the birth rate anywhere from 60% to 90%, The desire to have babies drove people to do extreme and often tragic things. Eventually, the World Council made all crimes related to baby acquisition (aside from legal adoption) punishable by death and that calmed things down.

To deal with the lack of infants, the world’s largest toy manufacturer teamed up with the world’s largest robot maker to create Miracle Baby, the most realistic baby doll ever. They behaved exactly as a baby would, even increasing in size and appearance from a 7 pound newborn to a 12 pound crawler. They even ate, peed and pooped. They cost $7,500 in US dollars and 50 million were sold in 3 years.

By year 4, Miracle Toddler came out and most folks traded in their Miracle Babies, which were quickly refurbished and recycled.

It should be noted that as new Miracle Children got older, sales dropped off fast. The company didn’t even bother with Miracle Tweens and the thought of Miracle Teens was never even considered.

The Miracle Baby line was produced for 43 years, finally stopping when humans on Earth started dying off at ever increasing rates. About 30 years later, scientists on the moon were able to send a programming upgrade that made all of the robot dolls sentient, so that they could take care of the few remaining humans on Earth. 

OK, I Admit It! I Wrote The Book Of Love!

…now leave me alone.


The Doclopedia #1,153

Dolls: Asskicker Barbee

On Earth 15, where girls are raised to be just as tough as boys, the number one selling doll is Asskicker Barbee (followed closely by Crimefighter Barbee and GI Barbee). The doll comes dressed in regular street clothes and armed with a knife, a baseball bat and a 9mm pistol in a shoulder holster. She has several scars, including one on her face. Her hair is short.

Accessories include a pair of large attack dogs named Peaches & Sweetie, a big black SUV, assorted weapons (including a Light Anti-tank Weapon) and her friends Ninja Judee and Ultimate Fighter Freda. You can also buy Barbee’s Malibu Hideout.

The Doclopedia #1,154

Dolls: The Three Dolls Of Doom

These “dolls” are actually miniature foot tall golems created by the Mad Sorcerer of D’rodia. Each of them contains the living essence of a powerful demon.

The first doll is Death, who arranges for the best of good people to die in some horrible fashion. Sometimes, these deaths take years to set up. Sometimes, the plans get upset somehow, in which case, Death goes off to find another good person.

The second doll, Madness, finds people of great power and then slowly drives them mad. Often, this madness results in death, war and turmoil. Once the victim is totally insane, the doll leaves.

The final doll is Obsession. She causes her victim, usually a person of great wealth, to become obsessed with one thing or person. This object or person is always very distant or hard to locate or just plain inaccessible. The victim will spend every penny and destroy every relationship to get the object of their desire. Once they get it, Obsession leaves and within days, the now impoverished and friendless person loses all interest in it.