Grandpa And Brownie’s Big Adventure

…hopefully, a long one


The Doclopedia #1,421

Don’t Touch That!: Hat

Back off there, junior, while ya still gotta chance. That hat belongs to Big Jimmy Farren and it’s gonna stay right where he left it until he gets outta Joliet. Same goes for that fine lookin’ coat of his. Jimmy told us to leave his stuff where he put it and that’s how it’s gonna be.

Yeah, I know they sent him down for 25 years, but I also know Jimmy. He’s been in 3 years and probably has most of an escape plan done by now. The big man is a damned genius, kid, and he don’t like jail and he don’t like the fact that a bunch of white boys took over half his territory. You take it from me, once he gets outta that shithole, he’s gonna come back here, put on that hat and coat and a whole lotta them Italians are gonna die.

What? Oh hell no he ain’t gonna take the territory back. He’s gonna get his revenge and then disappear. Probably turn up out west or somewhere with a new name. Lot of us gonna be disappearing with him. You youngbloods can have the whole damned operation after that. Ha ha! Look at your ears perkin’ up when you heard that.

So yeah, kid, you just leave that stuff alone and get out on the street. Go pick up the cash from the folks on your list and learn your shit. You do that and maybe your own hat will hang there someday.

Big Pigs Dancing Jigs Around Their Rigs While Eating Figs

…lit by burning twigs

The Doclopedia #1,420

Don’t Touch That!: Ring

Hold it there, Waltonby. Let’s not go touching things too quickly here. I’m certain this is the lost tomb of the mad pharaoh, Ahktenahmen. Legend has it that they mummified him alive and the last thing he said was a curse upon the world of the living.

Now, I’m not superstitious, but we’ve all heard the stories about Lord Merryweather and what happened when he dug up that Kharis fellow. Touching any of these items could have unexpected consequences. That ring was a major symbol of his power, so one can assume it would be carrying a significant portion of the curse. No telling what might happen if we touched it.

I suggest that we go back to camp and get on the wireless to Professor Kamir and Doctor Newton. They can be here by tomorrow morning and advise us on whatever we might need to do to safely get all this out of here and back to Cairo.

Danny, I want you and Jacob to stand watch for the next 4 hours. Hasan and Nigel will relieve you. Do not touch anything! If you do, there will be hell to pay, mark my word.

Module L-2: The Creepy Village Of Ploom

…for characters of level 2 to 3.


The Doclopedia #1,418

Don’t Touch That!: Girl

I’m sorry, sir, but that girl is available only for very special customers. You see, she’s cursed with both the ability to induce the most legendary orgasms in a man, but then drain their life force, killing them.

Oh, no, sir, it’s a fair question. You see, when a man is very old, or perhaps near to death from some malady, they will seek out Katya to send them off to their reward in as happy and thrilling a manner as one might ask for.

Yes, she could do the same for convicts who face the noose, but why would she? Such men deserve what they get. Besides, her rates are quite high, well beyond most convicts.

Yes, she is quite happy. She has found her place in life and I assure you, she lives quite well when not here at work. Oh, my, there is one of her customers now. Mr. Yancey is wealthy, but his heart is weak and faltering. A shame, really, since he’s barely 40.

Now, come along and let me introduce you to Lucy. I think you’ll find her to be quite charming.

The Doclopedia #1,419

Don’t Touch That!: Pistol

Don’t go for it, Kid. You’ll be dead before that pistol leaves your leather. That goes for you, too, Luis. Just keep your hands on the table. I didn’t come here for anybody but Kid McKay, so if you don’t get jumpy, you’ll go on living.

That’s right, Kid, I’m a U.S. Marshall now. After you killed my brother and those other two men, I wanted to just hunt you down and kill you. I wanted that real bad. But Marshall Cogburn, who is outside with your drunken pal Clay under his boot, convinced me to go the legal route and see you on the end of a rope instead. Now get up real slow with your hands above your head.


Well now, that was stupid for two reasons. First, because you thought I’d kill you, and second because now you’ll be going to jail with a useless right hand. Not that you’ll have much use for it once thay slip the rope on you. Now let’s go.

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Chapter 551: In Which Our Hero, Now Laden With Gold And Kitchenware, Takes His Dog To London

…the dog’s name is Ramon


THREE…YES, THREE…DOCLOPEDIA POSTS! I spoil you guys, I really do.

The Doclopedia #1,415

Don’t Touch That!: Sword

Stay your hand there, Brandis. Unless I’m wrong, and I seldom am, that is Nightbreaker, the cursed sword of Lord Yorgon. Stand back and let me identify it properly.

Oh yes, this is Nightbreaker alright. An incredibly powerful weapon, much feared by demons and other creatures of the Deep Darkness. With it, Lord Yorgon almost single handedly defeated the Legions of Hauzatlani. Caused the sword to glow with the brightness of 7 suns. Reduced the demons to a fine ash, including Hauzatlani itself. A great day for the world, but not for Lord Yorgon. His sword arm was burned off up to the elbow, he was blinded and driven insane. When he died some hours later, the sword flew into the sky and has not been seen until today.

I suggest we cover it with stones and detritus, then leave it here. I shell make a note of this location, in case demonic forces ever invade our world again.

The Doclopedia #1,416

Don’t Touch That!: Doorknob

Stop, Watson! Do not touch that doorknob under any circumstances. If you do, you’ll die.

I’m sorry for giving you such a start, old man, but I noticed a sheen of oil coating the surface just here. Do you see it? Yes, not very easy to see. Thankfully, my torch hit it from just the right angle. Now, let us see if it smells of anything.

Ah yes, a very noticeable scent of apples. Watson, what we have here is the sap of the New Guinea Death Fig, a small bush that produces a poisonous sap capable of killing a man in under a minute. A very nasty way to die, too. The skin begins to dissolve while the toxins cause the blood to break down. Yes, a terrible way to die indeed.

Now, let’s just use this mass of old rags to open the door. Be vigilant, Watson, for I have no doubt that Fu Manchu has much worse than this awaiting us.

The Doclopedia #1,417

Don’t Touch That!: Meteorite

DON’T TOUCH THAT! Jesus, Johnny, have you forgotten what happened two years ago when that old man touched a meteorite? That blob thing came out of it and killed him! Then it started growing bigger and pretty soon it had eaten about a hundred people and was trying to take over the town.

You’d better back the hell away from it. Now, let’s go find Sheriff Clark and have him call the Army to deal with this. They’ll know what to do with it. Hey, maybe we’ll get a reward or something. My car could use a new set of tires.

Well Oiled Monster Girls

…NOTE: Some danger is inherent in the oiling process


The Doclopedia #642

Don’t Touch That!: Sexy Thing

Bro, you do NOT want to touch that. Yeah, I know, she’s totally hot…those eyes…that hair…that body…THAT ASS! But she’s a vampire, bro, a no shit bloodsucker and she’ll drain you fuckin’ dry. Trust me, many a man has ended up…huh? Wait, what? You’re a fuckin’ WEREWOLF? No lie? Wow! Well then, bro, go hit on that stuff!



The Doclopedia #642

Don’t Touch That!: Strange Thing

Aw, c’mon, Jimmy, don’t mess with that. It looks really strange and it could be dangerous or somethin’. No, man, look at it! It’s like a statue of some guy with an octopus head and wings and stuff. Man, I knew we shouldn’t have sneaked into this old house. It’s creepy and we might get caught, Jimmy, so let’s go. Oh no! Jeez, Jimmy, you just had to touch it, didn’t you? C’mon, I hear our moms calling us for dinner. Are you ok? You look a little dazed or something.



The Doclopedia #643

Don’t Touch That!: Hot Thing

Now listen carefully, Sister Judy. You must never touch the Red Orb of Lust…ever! To do so would inflame you with a desire that runs counter to everything the Sisterhood has worked to achieve these last 130 years. Oh yes, the warmth it gives off is pleasant and seductive, but we must be strong in the face of temptation! We would become no better than the men and women who run wild outside our dome, rutting like beasts and producing children of both sexes. What? Oh, yes, a sad episode in our long history, that. Poor Sister Tamara could not resist just giving the orb a small touch, just a single fingertip. Before the council of Mothers knew what was happening, she had caused seven others to touch it and they were…well, they were engaging in sin of the highest level. They were banished to the Outside, of course. So remain pure of heart, Sister Connie, and never touch the Orb.


Chapter 409: In Which Our Hero, Having Recovered From Eating British Food, Must Convince Several Villagers To Buy A Freshly Caught Haddock

…he has several interested parties


The Doclopedia #638

Don’t Touch That!: Slimy Thing

Woah there, Rex, don’t go touchin’ that slimy piece of stuff. That there is another one of those dangerous weapons that the humans left behind after they killed themselves off. I’m pretty sure that one there bursts into flames if you touch it. You’d be on fire quicker than you could say “Squirrel!”. Leave it be and if we’re lucky, a lizard or somethin’ will set it off and it’ll be gone. Hey, is that a big pile of bison dung over there? By Dog, I think it is! Let’s go have a roll!




The Doclopedia #639

Don’t Touch That!: Round Thing

Geeby, do NOT touch that! I don’t care if that other little sproutling did, YOU will not be touching things, especially rare Third Dynasty crystal spheres! That thing is worth many millions of norebs and if you damaged it, our entire family would be sent to the Opigop Forest to harvest sluumig nuts for the rest of our lives. Now come along with me and keep your tendrils to yourself, mister!




The Doclopedia #640

Don’t Touch That!: Cold Thing

No, I’m not kidding, Glitterleaf, that’s really a Coldbeast egg. You touch that and straight away it will chill you to the bone. After that, it takes about three seconds to hatch and then the baby Coldbeast bites you, freezes you and then begins to eat your sorry Elven ass. Now get the hell away from it and help us find that dungeon entrance!




The Doclopedia #641

Don’t Touch That!: Metallic Thing

Ahh, best not to touch that particular item, Sir Cecil. It is a Prussian Robotrooper and while I am fairly certain that it has been rendered harmless, it is best not to take chances. That one spinning saw hand alone would slice you up like a Christmas goose. The gun hand? Oh, even without bullets, it makes for a deadly club. Now perhaps we should move along to my Invisibility Suit?



Mr. Porkwaffle Gets Chased By Pikas

…and I think we all know how much that sucks.


The Doclopedia #635

Don’t Touch That!: Fuzzy Thing

Fer the love o’ God, laddie, ye don’t wanna be touchin’ that! It’s a deadly mutant haggis an’ it’ll take yer bleedin’ arm off as soon as look at ye! Step back now, there’s a good lad. Those foul beasts look all cute, just asittin’ there, but that’s how they attract their prey. As soon as somethin’ touches ’em, they strike with a poisonous bite. Yer lucky ta be alive.




The Doclopedia #636

Don’t Touch That!: Wet Thing

Dude, fuckin’ get back! That’s a Sea Wife, dude, and if like, touch it, it will follow you everywhere and won’t let any human women get near you. It’ll look at you like, all moony eyed and try to drag you into the sea and shit. No man, you can’t have sex with them. That’s some dangerous shit right there, man. Let’s go tell the lifeguard about it.




The Doclopedia #637

Don’t Touch That!: Big Thing

I strongly advise against physical contact with that creature, Captain. Despite the appearance of being dead, my quadcorder indicates that it is indeed alive and is a Giant Skellorian Opossum, a species that is rightfully feared due to their habit of spraying out musk when angry or afraid. The musk is rated as one of the top ten worst smells in the galaxy and, judging by the fact that this specimen weights 10.372 Galactic Tons, I predict that it would soak an area of 90 X 90 meters. Fazer it from 110 meters away? A highly logical idea, Captain.