Well Oiled Monster Girls

…NOTE: Some danger is inherent in the oiling process

 

The Doclopedia #642

Don’t Touch That!: Sexy Thing

Bro, you do NOT want to touch that. Yeah, I know, she’s totally hot…those eyes…that hair…that body…THAT ASS! But she’s a vampire, bro, a no shit bloodsucker and she’ll drain you fuckin’ dry. Trust me, many a man has ended up…huh? Wait, what? You’re a fuckin’ WEREWOLF? No lie? Wow! Well then, bro, go hit on that stuff!

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The Doclopedia #642

Don’t Touch That!: Strange Thing

Aw, c’mon, Jimmy, don’t mess with that. It looks really strange and it could be dangerous or somethin’. No, man, look at it! It’s like a statue of some guy with an octopus head and wings and stuff. Man, I knew we shouldn’t have sneaked into this old house. It’s creepy and we might get caught, Jimmy, so let’s go. Oh no! Jeez, Jimmy, you just had to touch it, didn’t you? C’mon, I hear our moms calling us for dinner. Are you ok? You look a little dazed or something.

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The Doclopedia #643

Don’t Touch That!: Hot Thing

Now listen carefully, Sister Judy. You must never touch the Red Orb of Lust…ever! To do so would inflame you with a desire that runs counter to everything the Sisterhood has worked to achieve these last 130 years. Oh yes, the warmth it gives off is pleasant and seductive, but we must be strong in the face of temptation! We would become no better than the men and women who run wild outside our dome, rutting like beasts and producing children of both sexes. What? Oh, yes, a sad episode in our long history, that. Poor Sister Tamara could not resist just giving the orb a small touch, just a single fingertip. Before the council of Mothers knew what was happening, she had caused seven others to touch it and they were…well, they were engaging in sin of the highest level. They were banished to the Outside, of course. So remain pure of heart, Sister Connie, and never touch the Orb.

 

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Chapter 409: In Which Our Hero, Having Recovered From Eating British Food, Must Convince Several Villagers To Buy A Freshly Caught Haddock

…he has several interested parties

 

The Doclopedia #638

Don’t Touch That!: Slimy Thing

Woah there, Rex, don’t go touchin’ that slimy piece of stuff. That there is another one of those dangerous weapons that the humans left behind after they killed themselves off. I’m pretty sure that one there bursts into flames if you touch it. You’d be on fire quicker than you could say “Squirrel!”. L:eave it be and if we’re lucky, a lizard or somethin’ will set it off and it’ll be gone. Hey, is that a big pile of bison dung over there? By Dog, I think it is! Let’s go have a roll!

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The Doclopedia #639

Don’t Touch That!: Round Thing

Geeby, do NOT touch that! I don’t care if that other little sproutling did, YOU will not be touching things, especially rare Third Dynasty crystal spheres! That thing is worth many millions of norebs and if you damaged it, our entire family would be sent to the Opigop Forest to harvest sluumig nuts for the rest of our lives. Now come along with me and keep your tendrils to yourself, mister!

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The Doclopedia #640

Don’t Touch That!: Cold Thing

No, I’m not kidding, Glitterleaf, that’s really a Coldbeast egg. You touch that and straight away, it will chill you to the bone. After that, it takes about three seconds to hatch and then the baby Coldbeast bites you, freezes you and then begins to eat your sorry Elven ass. Now get the hell away from it and help us find that dungeon entrance!

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The Doclopedia #641

Don’t Touch That!: Metallic Thing

Ahh, best not to touch that particular item, Sir Cecil. It is a Prussian Robotrooper and while I am fairly certain that it has been rendered harmless, it is best not to take chances. That one spinning saw hand alone would slice you up like a Christmas goose. The gun hand? Oh, even without bullets, it makes for a deadly club. Now perhaps we should move along to my Invisibility Suit?

 

 

Mr. Porkwaffle Gets Chased By Pikas

…and I think we all know how much that sucks.

 

The Doclopedia #635

Don’t Touch That!: Fuzzy Thing

Fer the love o’ God, laddie, ye don’t wanna be touchin’ that! It’s a deadly mutant haggis an’ it’ll take yer bleedin’ arm off as soon as look at ye! Step back now, there’s a good lad. Those foul beasts look all cute, just asittin’ there, but that’s how they attract their prey. As soon as somethin’ touches ’em, they strike with a poisonous bite. Yer lucky ta be alive.

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The Doclopedia #636

Don’t Touch That!: Wet Thing

Dude, fuckin’ get back! That’s a Sea Wife, dude, and if like, touch it, it will follow you everywhere and won’t let any human women get near you. It’ll look at you like, all moony eyed and try to drag you into the sea and shit. No man, you can’t have sex with them. That’s some dangerous shit right there, man. Let’s go tell the lifeguard about it.

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The Doclopedia #637

Don’t Touch That!: Big Thing

I strongly advise against physical contact with that creature, Captain. Despite the appearance of being dead, my quadcorder indicates that it is indeed alive and is a Giant Skellorian Opossum, a species that is rightfully feared due to their habit of spraying out musk when angry or afraid. The musk is rated as one of the top ten worst smells in the galaxy and, judging by the fact that this specimen weights 10.372 Galactic Tons, I predict that it would soak an area of 90 X 90 meters. Fazer it from 110 meters away? A highly logical idea, Captain.