It’s All Fun And Games Until You Sell Grandpa To The Sideshow

…although we did get top dollar for him

The Doclopedia #123

The Door: To Otherwhen

Of all the known Doors, this one is the most likely to seriously screw with your head. See, it sends you back into a time in your past…a time you’d really like to go to…but you slowly find out that this is not really the world of your past. Maybe you realize this when you read about the Cubs winning their third straight World Series or maybe you hear The Beatles singing their big hit “Sympathy For The Devil” or maybe it happens when you find out that your family had 5 kids instead of 4, but you realize this is an alternate past.

Once you find out that it’s not your past, what do you do? Some people go ahead with whatever they wanted to go into the past for anyway, while others just start looking for more differences. A few people try to “set things right”, but that always bites them in the ass. A very few people take a short vacation from sanity.

No matter what the lucky time traveler does, they only have 48 hours in the past and when they return home, nothing has changed. Of course, if some other person in another reality goes into their past, things could indeed change. Unfortunately, they will never know it.

The Door to Otherwhen is made of stainless steel and set in a stainless steel frame. Both the door and the frame contain dozens of blinking LED lights and digital readouts. There is no handle or doorknob, just a button that says “Open”. A golden plaque with silver letters is mounted right at eye level on the door. It says “Time Travel Door”.

The Doclopedia #124

The Door: To Redemption

Many people, even those who do not believe in religion or souls or sin, have some burden that they carry. It might be something they did, it might be something they did not do, but in the end something happened and it was their fault and they wish they could make up for it in some way.

This door lets them do just that.

Physically, the door looks just like any other door in the immediate vicinity. But once a person steps through it, they are soon presented with a situation by which they can redeem themselves. Each situation is different, with some being much more involved than others. The cop who failed to protect a family from the mob may get a chance to bring the same criminals to justice for some other crime. The woman who did not help a friend in time to stop her suicide may get a chance to help somebody else.

The door does not move a person through time or space, it merely puts them into a certain situation. Interestingly, not a single person has ever not taken advantage of their chance at redemption.


The Globe Hopping & Thrilling, Yet Kind Of Cozy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Rat Of Doom

…featuring her Auntie Zazu

Doclopedia #122

The Door: To Adventure

It’s pretty doubtful that there has ever been a time in human history, or even prehistory, when more than a very few people actually sought out adventure. Most humans like it nice and safe and predictable, even if they might tell you otherwise.

It is exactly those soft complacent couch potatoes that the Door to Adventure seeks out. That biker over there? He has zero chance of ever stumbling upon the door. That suburbanite with the Prius, the wife & kids and the job working at a plumbing supply warehouse? He’ll have a hell of a time not stepping through it.

The door in question is made of heavy oak timbers stained a deep brown. The hinges are very large and made of iron. The handle is made of a boar tusk that has been carved with strange runes. Despite weighing nearly 1,000 pounds, the door opens very easily and with complete silence.

On the other side, the chosen person will see a seemingly normal scene, but with one little detail that looks a bit odd. Perhaps it is a small gift wrapped package that probably belongs to the lady getting into the cab. Maybe it is a letter that fell under a mailbox or a car that is starting to roll downhill. Whatever it is, our boring play it safe citizen will go attempt to be helpful. After that, as anyone who watches movies can tell you, the shit hits the fan.

Within minutes, our hero to be will be dodging bullets or hearing the fantastic tale of a dying scientist/spy/alien or speeding away in a car full of CIA agents who want to know what he/she knows about all this. There will be seductions, escapes, explosions, ancient curses, fistfights, car chases and about a zillion other pulse pounding happenings before Our Hero emerges triumphant and finds himself/herself back home in time to mow the front yard.

After that, Our Hero may or may not ever be the same, but you can bet your ass they’ll be trading that Prius in for something sexier.

Watching The Defectives

…not by Elvis Costello

The Doclopedia #121

The Door: To Love


This week is all about doors that lead to something or someplace. At the risk of sounding a bit gameshowy, let’s see what’s behind door number one!

The door that leads to love is not at all showy or covered in carvings of cupids or hearts. It is not set in some fancy frame, nor does it have a golden knob. It is a very sturdy door in a very sturdy frame and both are crafted from the finest cherry. The knob is made of light pink porcelain and is in the shape of a heart. The hinges and other fittings are made of copper.

Like love itself, you never know where you will find the door, but the odds are excellent that it will be in a totally unexpected place. Opening the door is not difficult, but it’s not easy, either. Stepping through it is no problem IF you don’t know what it is. If you DO know what it is, you will find stepping through quite a bit harder. That is because blundering into love is easier that looking for it.

What is it like on the other side of the door? That is a question we cannot answer, because it is different for everyone. For some, it is like a dream, while others find it to be more like a treasure hunt and still others find it to be like a great battle. Regardless, it is always an adventure and winning is never fully guaranteed. Still, most who pass through the door do find love, unless love finds them first. Sneaky thing, love.