The Stupidly Funny, Yet Also Quite Uplifting, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Completely Crazy Cats

…featuring her wacky pal, Vividly Blue Benny

Amnesia & Magic

Part Twelve

Ok, Ok, I’m waking up here. Stupid damned alarm clock!

I’m not even fully awake yet and I slip the ring on my finger. I feel a momentary tingle all over, but other than that, nothing happens. The dream, or whatever it was, of my Granny is very vivid still. Actually, so is the dream about Bill, which is not so welcome after six months of celibacy.

It’s five in the morning and I stumble into the bathroom, noticing as I go that Dak is still snoring. It kind of reminds me of my younger brothers, Al and Andy, both of whom could have slept through a house fire at that age.

When I’m done in the john, I get dressed and then wake Dak up.

Time to wake up and hit the road, Dak. We’ll get breakfast along the way.”

While Dak tends to his morning needs, I take another look at the book and see that the title, formerly runes I couldn’t read, now says “The Book of Changes” in good old English. Ok, so I know one thing the ring does.

I try to open the book to see what the hell it’s all about, but I can’t. Might as well be trying to pry apart to welded pieces of steel. I curse with gusto.

It is not yet time, Daughter of Taeena”, says a voice in my head, causing me to drop the book like a hot potato. After a moment, I pick it back up and slip it into my pocket. I’ll never get used to this Magical stuff.

Once Dak is ready, we pack up our stuff and go check out. Honey is exactly where I parked her and there are two teenage boys lying flat as mackerels on the ground next to the driver’s side door. One of them is holding a lock pick, which I notice Dak pocket, but I don’t say anything about it. I had a lock pick when I was a kid, too.

We drag them a few feet away. Although they are limp and unmoving, both of them are wide awake, courtesy of yet another spell placed on Honey.

Don’t worry, guys,” I tell them. “You’ll be ok once we’re a few hundred yards away. When you can move again, I suggest that you go think about giving up your life of crime. If you don’t, I’ll come back here and turn you both into skunks.” I smile sweetly, but menacingly. One of the boys wets himself.

As we start to drive away, I notice that there is a white dog in the middle of the road. No, not a dog, a wolf. Right there in the middle of the road in the middle of town and nobody, including Dak, seems to notice him. Ok, more ring Magic, just for good old Mick.

The wolf gets up and saunters south, which is the way I was going to turn anyway. After a few seconds, he just fades away. I know what this is all about, what with being half Cherokee and all. This is a spirit guide, sent to tell me how to get to where I need to go. After hearing about such things all my life, I’ve got to admit this is pretty great.

I tell Dak about the spirit guide and he takes it in stride. He tells me that his people sometimes have spirit guides appear to them in times of danger. As we chat, I’m beginning to remember that Elves and Native People have a whole lot in common. I’m wondering what North and South America would be like if Columbus and his crew had all died in a big storm or something.

After a couple of hours pass, I’m sure of two things: I have more than one type of spirit guide, because I’ve seen white deer, white birds, white rodents and even a white swarm of bees. I’m also sure that I’m hungry enough to eat a pine cone.

A few minutes later, we enter a small town that has two diners on opposite sides of the road. In the middle of the road sits a fat white raccoon, rubbing his belly, then pointing to the right.

Who knew that spirit guides gave diner reviews?

The Rare And Beautiful Yellow Winged Eggdropper Stork Of Potawango Island

…the drop eggs on other creatures just for the hell of it.


Amnesia & Magic

Part Eleven

After a few seconds, I recognize who it is: my grandmother, Fawn. Well, actually, I only recognize her because I’ve seen old paintings and a couple of old photographs of her as a young woman, which is how she looks now.

She’s not beautiful like my mom, but she’s very pretty and much taller than I expected. She’s slender, not very busty and her hair hangs in braids nearly to her waist. She looks a whole lot like my Aunt Mari.

Hello, Little Fox. Bet you weren’t expecting this.”

She’s grinning that crooked little grin I remember so well. She sits down on a stump in front of me, a stump that wasn’t there a second ago. Dreams are cool like that.

Hello, Granny. You look good.”

Yeah, I do, don’t I? Everybody on this side looks their best. You ought to see your grandfather. Boy, what a fine looking man he is! Always ready for a lay down in the grass, too, just like when we were young on the other side.”

Other side? So, I’m dreaming about Heaven? Granny looks at me and then laughs.

This is only partly a dream, sweetie. It’s mostly a meeting so you can be prepared for what’s coming.” She pats my hands and I feel six years old again.

Wait a damned minute! I never said that stuff about dreaming out loud!

You read my mind? You can do that over here. Or in dreams. Or wherever the hell we are?”

She laughs some more. Now she’s holding my hands.

Oh, yeah, thoughts and words are pretty interchangeable here. Of course, I could always read you like a book. You’re too much like your papa for me not to.”

Yeah, she was right on that count. Of all us kids, I was the most like Dad, stubborn, curious, reckless, cunning and fast on my feet. I got my smarts and my ability to read people from Mama.

Granny gently squeezes my hands now.

Time to tell you what I can, Little Fox. You’ve got a dream about you and Bill coming up soon. Hubba hubba!”

I’m blushing. Granny always was a risque old gal.

So you know you’re carrying some big magic and you know the names of the book and the ring. That’s good, but there’s more you need to know.” She’s looking much more serious now.

You know about how the Elves came back to our world a hundred years ago. You know how the white people found out that Magic lived in the Elves, and how some humans could channel the Magic to cast spells. You know history after that. Most elves lived in the North, so when the South would not free slaves, the government used Magic to make them. Black folks were freed and nobody cared much about hating them anymore, because every eye was on the Elves and how to use their power. Same for Chinese, Mexicans, Irish and the rest of us. No time to worry about skin color unless it was green.

Sounds good, and it was, but not for the Elves.”

Granny’ right, the world changed almost overnight, and not always gently. There were wars, spying, magical battles and we won’t even get into how things were between those embracing Magic and those who controlled the various religions.

But what the humans, and I mean damned near all humans, didn’t know is that some Native Peoples…us here in North America…some folks in Ireland & Scotland…certain groups across Europe…had known the Elves would come back. Hell, girl, we’d known it for five thousand years. We remembered them from the last time they were here back when we lived among them. It was back then that we made a pact with them. Now, it’s time for you and a few others to fulfill that pact.”

You know, when this is all over, I’m going to take Holmes and Watson and we’re going to jump into Honey and I’m going to drive to the middle of nowhere and rent a cabin and live in No Responsibility Land for a few weeks.

Granny unbuttons her blouse then, and without a trace of embarrassment lifts up her right breast (which I have to admit looks way perkier than you’d ever imagine a granny breast looking) to show me a “Y” shaped scar. At that point, you could have walked up and strangled me, no trouble, because I was dumbstruck. I have the exact same scar under my right breast. It’s always been there, all my life. My parents told me it happened when I was a toddler and I fell on a sharp stick.

It’s not a big scar, maybe half an inch long, but it’s way lighter than the rest of my skin and it has never gone away. It also dawns on me now that nobody, not even Bill, who knew that territory well, has ever commented on it since I was little and my parents told me about it. Nobody. Not even me.

Again, Granny chuckles as she read my mind.

Nobody mentioned it because nobody ever saw it. You could see it, but you didn’t mention it to anyone because it’s a secret mark, made with Old Magic. It marks you as one of our line. Your cousins ‘Netta and Susie have it, too. We always mark three, in case the first choice gets killed. Gotta say, you came close more than once, Little Fox. Good thing you survived, because ‘Netta is as good as white these days and Susie is way to fat for all this running around.”

When I take that vacation, I’m bringing a case of tequila with me. Maybe two.

Granny buttons up her shirt and continues.

Way back, when the Elves were about to leave our world for awhile, they had this big meeting and read some signs and stuff. They saw the future and knew that the humans would steal their Magic and cause their people to weaken and die. They decided to create the ring and the book and put a whole bunch of Magic into them. It cost them dearly.”

I have to ask her. “How dearly, Granny?”

She looks very sad as she says, “When the Elves came back in 1835, the total world population was three hundred thousand. Before they created the ring and book, it was over six million. Most gave up their lives to put Power into those two relics.”

Over five and a half million lives, freely given up. Why?

To save their people and maybe ours. See, the book has been picking up Power over the last century. Every time an Elf, Mage or Wizard dies, their Power goes into it. That’s a bunch of Magic, right there.”

But what do we have to do with it? Were we just keeping the book & ring safe?”

Oh yeah, we did that, although it was really easy for the first four thousand nine hundred years. Nobody could detect it. Once the Elves came back, we had to move it around pretty often. We were selected, we Daughters of Teena, to guard the book and produce the Bringer Forth, which is you. Some of the original daughters traveled to far off lands and married into other tribes of Native People. They did that because, well, because they had to to make the Prophecy work. And now you have the relics and by dawn on the day after tomorrow, you’ll have used them and then things will be ok, one way or another.”

I love Granny, but she does take forever to get to a point.

“Yeah, ok, so I’ve got a day and a half to get to Mount Shasta and, I assume, read this book while wearing the ring? Is that right?”

I may have said that in a less than calm voice.

Granny nods. “Yep, that’s pretty much it. Well, you’ll also have to speak to the Oldest One and maybe shoot a few people. Oh, and you’ll need to trust your gut a couple of times when your head says the wrong thing. And that Elf boy, don’t let him get out of your sight.”

She pats me on the head then.

Well, sweetie, it’s time for me to go. You’ve got a naughty dream to get to and I’m supposed to go “berry picking” with your grandpa. Heh heh…“berry picking”. Good luck, Little Fox. I love you.”

She starts walking away and I want to run after her, but the forest is slowly changing into a room at the Hotel Coronado in San Diego. All I can do is watch, but then she turns back for a moment.

Oh yeah, honey, make sure you put on the ring as soon as you wake up.”

And then she and the forest are gone and I’m in a fancy hotel room with my ex husband, a bottle of champagne and silk sheets.

I’m thinking Granny is right about this dream.

A Big Day At The Flea Circus

…I love the tiny elephants.

The Doclopedia #914
The Alphabet:  D Is For…

Dream Gun: When the masked crimefighter known as Brother Night went out in the evening to hunt bad guys, his favored weapon was the Dream Gun. Many an evildoer was sent into a blissful dream state after being shot by it, only to snap out of it an hour later behind bars.

The gun itself looked like some sort of science fiction ray gun about the size of a .45 automatic. It was colored silver & blue and fired small bullets that Brother Night said were made of “concentrated dreams”. The police were convinced they were some sort of dope. Whatever they were, they penetrated clothing and even body armor before totally dissolving inside the human body. The Dream Gun had an effective range of about 120 feet and Brother Night was a crack shot.

When Brother Night retired in 1951, he passed the gun onto a new young masked vigilante known as Johnny Sweetdreams, who used it for the next 22 years. Today, the gun is being used by the mutant superhero Dream Girl, who has the power to enter the dreams caused by the Dream Gun.
The Doclopedia #915

The Alphabet: E Is For…

Ed Gomez:  The only thing remarkable about Ed Gomez, of (usually) 51 Maxwell Street, San Diego, California, is that he is always the (relatively) same guy in 136 different realities. Oh sure, sometimes his address changes a bit, as does the name of the city or state, but Ed is always there. Fantasy, steampunk, pulp era, war years, superheroes, modern era, 22nd century, it doesn’t matter. Ed is always there just doing his thing.

In all of those 136 realities, Ed is either a retired or still working gardener. He looks exactly the same, although it seems his age can range from 40 to 70. In most realities, he is married to Dolores, but in a few his wife is Lupe, Janet or Rose. His number of children and grandchildren vary.

Ed is a Hispanic fellow who stands 5’9” tall, weighs about 165 and has short black hair. He usually wears jeans and a blue work shirt.
The Doclopedia #916

The Alphabet: F Is For…


Foooood Foorrrr Dogggssss!:  Of all the sacred things that dogs worship, Foooood Foorrrr Dogggssss! is the most sacred of all. Oh my, how dogs react with joy and excitement when a Mom Unit or a Dad Unit says those most beloved words before placing the food bowls on the floor! The anticipation of it has sent many a dog into spasms of joy.

What exactly makes up Foooood Foorrrr Dogggssss! is not all that important, although Dog Rice, Birthday Burgers and Human Food are rare and wonderful delights.

Worm Salad On A Stick

…yum yum

Hot Stuff, with Lobster Sauce

1: My last dream before waking up involved erupting volcanoes, tropical islands, gospel singing fish, stupid humans and an escape plane that started to come apart over the mainland. Pretty normal, by my standards.

2: My plan for the “Hogwarts” RPG series that should start the end of January is…

Muggles know all about Wizards, since this is still the same fantasy world we’ve been playing in.

There are races other than Human, most notably Elves, Dwarves and Halflings.

No Voldemort type of baddie, tho there is evil afoot.

The focus will be much more on being students and…

…exploring Hogwarts itself, which is a humongous castle (and grounds) that has survived since before the Wizard Wars 500 years earlier.

Quidditch is WAY different. Now, it’s more like a cross between golf & rollerderby played in an X-Men style Danger Room.

3: I’m halfway thru “The Fellowship of the Ring”, which I’m really only reading a few pages of every day. I had forgotten how much Professor Tolkien liked telling the reader how EVERY FRIGGING PERSON, PLACE AND THING had 3-4 tonguetwisting names. Still, it’s a fun read, especially as I mentally compare it to the movie.

4: My writing prep for the Big Website Debut continues. I have added at least a few sentences to all of the characters I did back in 2006 and in some cases, I have expanded them greatly. Same goes for the locations. I’m now starting on some creatures and devices.

5: Speaking of the Big Website Debut, we are looking at early to mid January. Much depends upon how much time my Overworked Cutie Pie can devote to getting it set up.

More bloggage later.

The Rare And Beautiful Bug Eyed Mouse Ferret Of Potawango Island

…they’re tiny, but creepy looking

These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes

A pox upon all alarm clocks, I say! Three times this week, that infernal device has awakened me from a great dream. The first time, I was dreaming about having hot jungle monkey sex with Alyssa Milano. The second dream, the next morning, found me flying Superman style over San Francisco while eating an eclair. A COCONUT ECLAIR! Finally, this morning, I was smack in the middle of a dream about winning many tens of thousands of dollars in some sort of contest. Just as Grace and I were dancing about merrily in a big pile o’ money, that cursed timepiece rudely brought me back into the land of wakefullness and poverty.

Fuck you, alarm clock! Where you a human, my hands would still be tightly gripping your throat while I laughed maniacally. Instead, I’m awake and jonesing for a coconut eclair.

Good Treats, Starring Altoon Brownie

…I actually used that in a TOON game

So I had this dream…

I’m sitting in a diner, eating these delicious pancakes that have a layer of dark chocolate inside them. They were light and fluffy and hot and buttery and DE-FUCKING-LISH. My dining partners were Barack Obama and Boris Karloff. Boris was regaling Mr. O and I with behind the scenes tales of all his great horror flicks. Turns out (in the dream, anyway) that the President is a big old horror movie geek.

Then, just before the dream ended, everyone in the diner started in on this big song and dance number. I don’t recall the tune, but it turns out that both Barack and Boris can do a pretty good soft shoe.

The Society For The Preservation Of Old Preservation Societies

…because if we don’t, who will?

A Piece Of My Dreams

Ok, so last night, I had a very clear and not too screwy dream. I can still remember 90% of it, hours after waking up.

Co-starring in this dream were…

My wife, Grace
Robin D. Laws
Patrick Stewart
Spike Y Jones
Bette Davis
My dear friend avylou
assorted character actors and extras

The dream started off with myself, Robin and Spike chatting at some game company booth at a con. Oddly, Robin had hair nearly as long as mine and Spike (who has hair longer than mine) had medium length hair. Anyway, the scene quickly shifted to the three of us, plus Bette Davis (who was, I think, my grandmother in this dream) in a rocky and remote pine forest, looking at a gleaming glass and steel building about the size of a house.

Bette told us that there was a huge secret in there, so we walked in. It took us only moments to figure out that this was a secret (but obviously unguarded) government facility for storing monsters and aliens. Robin managed to crack the security on the elevator and we went way down underground to a floor that stretched off for miles and was lined with cryovacced monsters just waiting for somebody to hit the “THAW” button.

But before we could do it, we dreamshifted to a room full of monitors that showed us Patrick Stewart and a shitload of heavily armed government thugs entering the facility. Bette had vanished, but we found a locker full of weapons and…a bigass motorcycle with a sidecar. I drove, Spike sat behind me and Robin was in the sidecar. We were armed to the teeth and began driving up a heretofore nonexistent ramp towards the surface, blowing away government mooks with a style that would make John Woo and Clint Eastwood weep with joy.

And then the dream shifted to the three of us, plus avylou and Grace, riding along in an electrically powered vehicle that looked like a cross between a pickup and a golf cart. We were travelling thru an area that I have visited in at least 3 other dreams in the past 6 months: a very steeply hilly version of the area I grew up in, near Loma Rica, California. The whole area was dotted with little dying villages and towns and we stopped to talk to lots of people, all of whome were very nice, but poor as hell.

Finally, the dream ended as we stopped for gas at a little town next to what looked like Mono Lake.

Later, I had a short dream that Winker had cornered a small wallaby in the living room.