Ugly Reptile Children Are Stalking You

…so, basically, you’re screwed

Delving In The Dungeon

Due to a rather serious dropoff of the number of folks responding with turns…and my own lack of speed responding to them…I’m ending the Dungeon Delving experiment. BUT, I’m going to tell you how things ended.

The End Of The Delve (And What Happened After)

It was decided that, since Andrea knew a great many things about the dungeon, the party would use her as a guide. What happened next included…

An encounter with a great many very angry spiders that were roughly the size of a full grown sheep.

Tea with a mummy. The scones were delicious.

The finding of a door that was not locked, but had a very large sign on it saying Do NOT open this door! We mean it! No…really…you’ll be sorry if you open this door! Naturally, Fergus opened it. It was a broom closet.

A long and bloody battle with a troll.

Another long and bloody battle, this time with one of the other dungeon delving parties. Our group kicked their asses.

Much treasure was found. Periwinkle managed to steal the best stuff for herself.

Amalia found 7 magical arrows. 6 of them produced fireballs when they hit. The seventh turned the target (a human mage) into a chicken.

Erasmus deciphered a scroll that showed the way to the main treasure room of the dungeon.

Unfortunately, the main treasure room was being used as a mating site for two red dragons. Our Heroes made one of the greatest stealthy retreats in history.

Knute found the Pool of Restoration and used it to restore Andrea to her original (and, might we say, hot) form. Duncan used the pool to restore his left pinky finger, which had earlier been bitten off by a giant rat.

Everyone escaped from the dungeon in pretty good health…and with a lot of loot.

Erasmus learned 9 new spells from various scrolls, gained 3 magical rings and became the envy of the Junior Wizards League.

Amalia outfitted herself with all the best equipment an adventurer could want and then joined a famous mercenary army. Some years later, she conqured the kingdoms of Brindolhoff, East Pidwin, Yuveristan and Ulirila.

Periwinkle moved to the Great City of Ospin and used her wealth to take control of the Thieves Brotherhood.

Fergus and Duncan used a small part of their money to buy fine armor and weapons. Then, they blew the rest on whores, ale and more whores. (they like whores)

Knute and Andrea got married, moved to Ispedalia, began writiing and reading poetry and were eventually declared Liviing Treasures Of The Ipedalian People. Oh, and they liived happily ever after.

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The Kitty Cats Talk Shit To A Pair Of Pitbulls

…later, at the vets office, they agree that the plan was flawed

There’s a really interesting story on how my plan to post the next “Dungeon Delving” episode went from “under an hour” to more than 24 hours. Unfortunately, you are not cleared to hear it.

Delving In The Dungeon: Part 14“…there’s something you don’t see every day”

Mentally picture the following unfolding in a very cinematic style…jump cuts of frantic combat interspersed between bits of conversation between Knute, Erasmus and Andrea the tapestry.

1: Duncan attempts to skewer the one eared orc, but his target barely twists out of the way. The orc slashes out with a dagger, cutting Duncan across the chin.

2: Knute looks goggle eyed at the tapestry. “Andrea? Is that you?” Erasmus, even more goggle eyed, looks back and forth between Knute and the talking tapestry.

3: Stepping over his first foe, Fergus clashes swords with a screaming orc. They press against each other until they are face to face, at which point, the orc headbutts the big human.

4: “Yes, Knute, it’s me. As you can imagine, there is quite the interesting story behind all this.” Her voice is melodic and smooth as mintflower honey. Her big blue eyes are bright with amusement.

5: Amalia drops her bow, steps over it and, whirling her two hand axes in a complex pattern, begins a pitched battle with the smallest of the orcs, who is armed with a small shield and a shortsword.

6: “Wait just a minute here!”, Erasmus shouts. “This is the Andrea…the Elven bard…that you couldn’t stop talking about the entire year that we were locked up in that forever damned Jedorran prison?”

7: Diving under the shaman’s magical attack, Periwinkle tucks herself into a ball and rolls towards him. At the last moment, she untucks into a squat and punches him right in the crotch.

8: Much mingled speech here… Knute to Erasmus: “Oh, aye, the very same one.” Andrea to Knute: “You did that? You remembered me?” Knute to Andrea: “Oh, lass, I couldn’t forget ye if I wanted to” Erasmus to Knute: “But she’s a tapestry!”

9: Howling with rage, Duncan and the orc exchange a half dozen fast attacks and parries before the human manages to put two feet of steel through the orc’s chest.

10: Knute to Erasmus: “Well, she was nae a tapestry when I knew her, ye big dummy!” Andrea to Knute: “Oh, Knute, I never forgot you, either. Those nights of passion…” Erasmus to Andrea: “Nights of passion? Knute?”

11: Unfortunately for the orc, Fergus has a remarkably hard head. In return, he does his best to bite the orc’s piggy snout off. The orc screams as the blood gushes.

12: Knute to Erasmus: “What? Ye dinna think me capable of romance?” Erasmus to Knute: “No, and frankly, the thought leaves me rather queasy.”

13: Beating her way past the small orc’s shield, Amalia proceeds to slice him up like a cooked ham.

14: Andrea to Erasmus: “I’ll have you know that Knute can be among the sweetest and most romantic of men. Why, when he reads Ispedalian poetry, it…” Erasmus to Andrea: “Reads Ispedalian poetry??? KNUTE???

15: When the shaman doubles over in pain, Periwinkle cracks him over the head with a handy crate. She then begins relieving him of all his possessions.

16: Knute to Andrea: “Aww, lass, ye praise me too much.” Andrea to Erasmus: “You, sir, obviously have only seen a very small portion of Knutes personality.”

17: Duncan kicks the dying orc off of his sword…Fergus casually spits out the tip of his opponents nose before slitting the orc’s throat…Amalia screams like a banshee at the remaining orcs, who run off down the hallway at top speed…Periwinkle, the only one not drenched in blood, says “My, don’t you all look the gory spectacle.”

18: Erasmus to Andrea: “Well, it’s not like his job description includes seducing elven women and reading poetry.” Knute to Andrea: “He’s got a point there, love.”

19: Panting from the fight, everyone sits down to rest. After a few seconds, the wall that Knute and Erasmus disappeared into fades away, revealing the convoluted three way discussion cum argument on the other side. After about a minute of listening Amalia says “Well, you can’t say this job isn’t full of surprises.”

Ok, players, what next?

The Snake Man Builds A Boat

…that looks like a cobra

Delving In The Dungeon: Part 13 “…that’s when the shit hit the fan”

Ok…by character, this is what happens next:

Erasmus notices that not only is the tapestry done in a style that came about two full centuries after Bloody Bart died, the material making up the tapestry is…faintly moist…and has a squishy texture…and a funny, tho not unpleasant, smell. He is about to mention this to Knute when the tapestry picture changes. Now, it shows the Battle of Greenfields, which only took place 50 years ago. Stepping back to get a better look, Erasmus notices that, up near the top center of the tapestry, there are two eyes and a mouth. The eyes blink at him and then the mouth says “Hello there!” in a pleasant feminine voice.

Knute has seen something near the door. It looks as tho it could be a pressure plate, so he goes over to check it out. Hmmm, not a pressure plate, but a loose tile that has had all of the mortar chipped away from around it. Cautiously, he pries the tile up. Beneath it is a small depression in the floor and in that space is a small bottle of silvery fluid. He picks it up, then turns to tell Erasmus about it just as the tapestry mouth speaks. Knute drops the tile and stares in amazement at the tapestry.

Amalia leaves her place by the door and goes to the far side of the room, next to Periwinkle. She aims her arrow at the door. As the orcs outside force the door open (it had been partially blocked by some boxes Our Heroes had used as a barricade), she lets fly an arrow. It misses the lead orc, but hits the next one in the stomach. He lets out a high pitched squeal and doubles over. The rest of the orcs, unaware of what has happened to him, push him aside as they rush towards Amalia.

Duncan leaps forward and engages the first orc in battle. The orc is a big son of a bitch, but not as big as Duncan. Several blows are exchanged and parried before Duncan draws first blood by cutting off one of the orc’s ears.

Fergus gets in a first hit on the third orc through the door, slashing him across the chest. The orc howls in rage and manages to nick Fergus’ chin. A flurry of blows follow and finally Fergus gets lucky with a slash that nearly decapitates his foe.

Periwinkle sees that the orc shaman is beginning to chant up a spell, so she throws a dagger at him. Rather amazingly, given the distance, it hits him in the head, giving him a nasty gash to the scalp. It also stops the chant and pisses the shaman off. With a screech of rage, he points his staff at Periwinkle and lets loose a ball of blue light.

So, what does your character do now?

Chapter 53: In Which Our Hero, Armed Only With A Penknife And A Stoat, Defeats Three Frenchmen

…fear my stoat, you Froggy scalawags!

Delving In The Dungeon: Part 12 “…slowly, the door opens”

While the others watch at the door/barricade the door, Knute attempts to disbelieve the wall, assuming it to be an illusion.

No way, Jose, that wall is real. Figuring this out, Knute reaches out and pokes the wall with a finger. Instantly, he disappears from the room his fellow party members are in.

Periwinkle sees Knute vanish and almost yells “Holy Shit!”, but manages to remember that she needs to be quiet.

Amalia, peering through the tiny slit of the door, sees the opposite door slowly open up. Out of the other room step 7 Orcs. And not just any Orcs, no sir, these are Pig Faced Orcs! Larger and uglier than normal Orcs, their large tusks gleam in the dim light. Six of the seven are armed to the teeth with swords, axes and spiked clubs, but the seventh is armed only with an ornately carved staff.

Amalia whispers to her friends “Pig Faced Orcs…6 fighters, 1 shaman”

Duncan and Fergus each whisper many rude words. Periwinkle looks from the door to the enchanted wall. Decisions, decisions.

The Pig Faced Orcs chat for a minute about what to do next, then begin advancing towards the door. Amalia moves away from the door and whispers “They’re coming in here”.

Meanwhile, Knute finds himself inside a large, well lit room. It would appear to have once been some sort of meeting room, as there are many chairs set up around a large square table. A few feet away stands Erasmus, studying an old dusty tapestry.

“There ya are!”, says Knute, “Ya scared the hell outta me, disappearin’ like that!”

“Well”, Erasmus replies, “I certainly never meant to do it. You know, I think this tapestry depicts the coranation of King Bartholemew the Second, or “Bloody Bart” as he was known to his enermies. He was…hmmm, this is odd…”

Knute sighs and prepares to endure another of the wizards boring history lessons. He is just about to take a seat in one of the chairs when, near the rooms only door, he sees…

Ok…Party members in the soon to be Pig Faced Orc filled room, what do you do?
What does Knute see?
What does Erasmus notice as odd about the tapestry?

Mayday From A Green Eyed Brunette

…damsel in distress

Delving In The Dungeon: Part 11 “…hey, check this out”

Before anyone can begin looting, Erasmus casts Detect Magic on the whole room. Oddly, while none of the boxes, bags or coffins seem to hold anything magical, the whole rear wall of the room seems to be infused with low level magic. He points this out to the rest of the group, then goes to examine the wall physically.

Knute, who is feeling very uneasy about those coffins (no doubt owing to several encounters with the undead during his early days as an adventurer), follows Erasmus. He has his weapon drawn and at the ready.

Amalia stands just outside the door, keeping a watchful eye on the passageway and the door where they heard the noises. Every so often, she glances in the room and gives helpful looting hints.

Duncan, Fergus and Periwinkle begin their looting activities. This is how it goes…

Duncan throws open the lid on the first coffin and finds it empty. Moving to the second coffin, he repeats the process and again finds nothing. Knute’s sigh of relief is audible even to Amalia out in the hallway.

Fergus starts opening boxes. Most of them contain old, mostly rotted clothes and blankets. A couple are empty.

Periwinkle looks through the sacks and finds that they hold rusty spoons, forks and other kitchen items. The pile of rags conceals nothing.

More than a bit disgusted with the total lack of loot so far, our Looters Three turn their attention to the wax sealed barrel. After a bit of discussion…and Erasmus’ assurance that the barrel contains nothing magical…they remove the lid.

The barrel is full of honey. Good honey, with a slight berry flavor, but just honey.

As Fergus, Duncan and Periwinkle start in to griping, two things happen.

Erasmus, muttering to himself, pokes the magical wall with his finger. He promptly disappears. Knute gives forth with a loud “What the…?”

The door to the “noisy room” starts to slowly open. Amalia quietly sounds the alarm to her friends, then steps into the room and closes the door to a mere slit, allowing her to see what comes out of the other room.

So, Brave Adventurers, what next?

The 100 Things That I Know About Women

…#3-#95: I’ll never really understand them

Delving In The Dungeon: Part 10 “…and then we opened the door”

After giving the quiet door a thorough checking over, Periwinkle slowly opens it while keeping the door between herself and the room.

Fergus and Duncan enter the room, weapons at the ready. They are followed by Knute and Erasmus, who also have weapons/spells ready. Amalia stays in the hallway as a lookout and Periwinkle enters the room once she knows it has no silent monsters lurking.

The room, in fact, seems to be some sort of storeroom. There are 9 small (2’x2’x2′ or smaller) boxes, 5 larger boxes (up to 4’x4’x4′), 2 very large boxes (one is 4′ wide, by 4’tall by 7′ long and the other is 5′ wide, 4′ deep and 9′ tall), a couple of rather poorly made coffins (1 closed, 1 open), 3 burlap sacks that are about half full and tied closed, a pile of old rags and clothing, a badly dented chamber pot and a large barrel that seems to be sealed tight with wax.

So, intrepid and greedy adventurers, what does your character do?

No quiz for this entry. You can tell me in a comment and be as detailed as you like. Feel free to talk it over with your character’s co-player.

Poultry In Motion

…bad Doc! Bad, bad Doc!

Stuff, served hot with a nice mug of porter

1: Most of the weekends, and some weekdays, in May are already filled with mystery shopping duties (in a hope to get caught up on bills), so I will not be able to do any gaming until Sunday the 24th.

2: I made some killer pork for tacos last night. It was the major yum.

3: The Dungeon Delve will resume tonight or tomorrow morning.

4: The month of May can go ahead and warm up any day now, so I can finish planting my garden.

5: Everyone here is healthy, despite my fast fading leg infection.

Gotta go to work now. More bloggage later.