The Rare And Beautiful Groaning Red Armadillo Of Potawango Island

…they groan because oy, do they have troubles! Such troubles you shouldn’t know!

A new Doclopedia entry!!!

Also, go read my new storyblog here: https://doccross.wordpress.com/

The Doclopedia #1,203

Alt. Roleplaying: Dungeons & Droids

In this roleplaying game, players take on the role of Star Wars style droids that are stranded on a world where magic works. They are often trapped in a dungeon or forest full of fantasy creatures and races. The brave little droids must use all of their wits to get to safety.

Character creation is based upon spending build points for the body style, upgrades and programming you want your droid to have. Upgrades can include anything from jump jets to a built in repair kit.

Droids cannot use magic, but some can use magical weapons. On the plus side, few monsters will try to eat a droid. On the minus side, those that do can cause very serious damage.

The advanced rules book has rules for humanoid type droids, many new upgrades and several new monsters, including magically created droid/monster hybrids.

Handsome Joe And Billy Pitbull Go Exploring

…and they find a nice pile of horse poop to roll in

 

The Doclopedia #621

The Dungeon Of…: Endless Descent

This dungeon is set up like a huge corkscrew, with rooms off of the steeply descending spiral main hallway. The whole place is well lit by endlessly glowing orbs and the rooms contain worse monsters & traps, but much better loot, the farther you descend. In most respects, it’s a pretty ordinary dungeon.

How far the dungeon descends is unknown, but the Dwarven Engineer Trob Hammerfist estimated that his adventuring party was at least two miles down when they turned back. The Wizard Veratina claims that her party went two days past Trob’s marking before turning back. All explorers who have ever entered say that the worst part of the whole place is going back up “that fucking steep hallway” while loaded down with loot and fighting monsters. Apparently, about a half mile a day is considered good time.

In a few months, the Gnomish Inventor Andek Flywheel and a group of adventurers will use a wheeled cart to race down the hallway at high speed. They will have a full seven miles of Unbreakable Rope attached to the cart and anchored with their support team at the entrance. Bets are being taken as to which will kill them: crashing the cart or whatever monsters live seven miles down.

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The Doclopedia #622

The Dungeon Of…: Awful Smells

As the name says, this otherwise ordinary three lever dungeon stinks to high heaven. It gets worse with each level. The stench is so bad that many common monsters will not live here. Because of this, expect to meet many slimes, undead, elementals, golems and other creatures that have no sense of smell.

Adventurers that go into this dungeon find that by the time they come out, their sense of smell is gone for weeks. That turns out to be a good thing, because they need to spend about a month bathing several times a day in an isolated village before they stop stinking. Most loot taken from this dungeon takes years to stop stinking.

 

The 35 Things You Do NOT Want To Ask Your Grandmother

…#1: Tell me about your sex life, Grandma.

 

The Doclopedia #620

The Dungeon Of…: The Ice Dwarves

Located under the Everfrost Mountains, this huge (3X5 miles) two level dungeon is cold. Really cold. Like, always below freezing cold. It is also the kingdom of the Ice Dwarves, a surly and dangerous bunch who can cause freezing damage with just a touch.

Most of their kingdom (and most of the best loot) is on the second level. The first level is home to Ice Worms, Frost Giants, White Dragons, Snow Walkers, Cold Slimes and Ice Zombies, among others. Footing is slippery at best and good luck finding anything to burn. Crevasses are common and very deep.

The big prize that all dungeon delvers are after is the Great Ice Diamond that sits atop the castle of the Ice Dwarf King. It is roughly the size of a large watermelon and would easily buy 4-5 kingdoms back up on the surface world. The pedestal it sits upon is made from the frozen corpses of people who have tried to steal it.

The Ladies Journal Of Advanced Thaumaturgy

…now incorporating the Vaginamancy Newsletter

The Doclopedia #618

The Dungeon Of…: Screaming Madness

The Dungeon of Screaming Madness is in many respects no different from any average run of the mill 5 level dungeon. It has many of the same rooms, monsters, traps & treasures you might find in a hundred other dungeons. It is located not too far from civilization and, in all respects, seems to be a pretty sweet deal for any halfway competent band of dungeon raiders.

Unfortunately, the dungeon also fully lives up to its name. The whole damned place has been enchanted to slowly drive any sentient being mad. The first level merely imparts a mild “creepy” feeling and the second level adds a bit of paranoia. By the time the third level is reached, only the most sound of mind will not be acting a bit twitchy.

The third level ramps everything up and throws in mild sensory hallucinations. One person might smell rotting flesh, while another might hear something following the group. Sometimes, a visual hallucination will hit the entire party. Nightmares become common.

By the fourth level, most people will be at least partially unhinged and this level cranks it all up to 11. About halfway through it, people either start running off madly or killing each other.

If anybody makes it to the fifth level, there are great riches to be had if you are not a barking mad lunatic. Odds are, you will be. Still, an amazing number of people make it out of the dungeon. Sadly, their sanity does not go with them.

Recently, it was discovered quite by accident that if crazy people go into the dungeon, they emerge sane. Even now, the king is looking to assemble a band of lunatics to go into the place and return with a heap of treasure.

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The Doclopedia #619

The Dungeon Of…: Lork, The Trickster

The Wizard Lork Gortain spent the last century of his life constructing a large two level dungeon beneath the Shining Hill in northwest Yuveristan. The second level of it has several rooms chock full of wonderful treasures. It is a much sought after place by adventurers. The thing is, Lork’s nickname was “The Trickster” and it was well deserved. It has been said that if you can walk ten feet without encountering a trick or a trap, you are in the wrong dungeon.

To add insult to injury, the traps are not even particularly deadly. What they are is embarrassing, demoralizing, transforming and just plain infuriating. You will find few adventurers who have been there that do not curse a blue streak at the mention of Lork’s name.

A few of the tricks & traps which, by the way, change every time a new group enters the dungeon, are…

A door that sprays a large area with liquified dragon feces

A 20 foot deep pit trap that, once you have fallen into the muck at the bottom spits you back out. Hard.

The bag of jewels that, 30 minutes after you pick it up, transforms into a very angry wolverine.

The much reviled fountain of Uglification that looks and acts (at first) like a Fountain of Healing.

A small wandering monster that follows the party for hours singing “The Happy Farmer” over and over again. It cannot be killed.

The dreaded Room of Insatiable Lust. Many an adventurer has shagged his party members, monsters and assorted furniture here.

The Hall of Rank Farts

The gold pieces that turn into copper pieces once you are outside the dungeon.

The Not At All Naughty, But Still Unsafe For Work, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Sausage Machine

…co-starring her pet quagga, Maynard

This theme is dedicated to all of the D&D players & dungeon masters out there who have spent hours looting dungeons & killing monsters.

The Doclopedia #616

The Dungeon Of…: The Fungus God

There are four levels to this dungeon and all of them are warm, dark and humid, a situation that the Fungus Creatures find just about perfect for living in. On the fourth level, they have even built a shrine to their living God. To appease him, they raid the surface world at night for all manner of tasty edibles that he might enjoy, including humans and other races.

The first level of this dungeon/cave system is the remains of an ancient dungeon system built by barbarian kings a thousand years ago. It is now used as a lair by several kinds of monsters, including many types of slimes & jellies.

The second level is about one third man made and two thirds natural cavern. There are even more slimes and jellies here, along with oozes, molds (including the dreaded Mold Rats) and ambulatory fungi.

The third level is larger that the first two put together and is the home of the Fungus Creatures, a grouping that includes Mushroom People, Fungoid Trolls, Spore Screamers and a few Slime Orcs. They are constantly on the look out for intruders.

The fourth level, as stated above, contains a shrine to the Fungus God, as well as his living chamber and areas for his priests. His throne is a pile of bones and the belongings of many thousands of people. He enjoys visitors, whom he likes to refer to as “food”. So far, no intruder has managed to kill him.