The Twelve Things You Should Know About Dinosaurs

…#3: Never poke one with a stick!

Amnesia & Magic

Part Seven

As my vision clears and I start to stand up, Hoagie gets his arm around my waist to help me up and Lillian hands me a glass of water. My head clears pretty fast and I know that Dak and I need to get on the road ASAP.

How long was I out?”, I ask Hoagie. He doesn’t look too worried about my little fainting episode.

Maybe three minutes. Feeling better now that you’ve got it all back?”

I nod. “I told you what I was doing before the mindwipe, didn’t I?”

He grins and nods his head before getting back to those sandwiches, which by now are smelling really great.

I’m still a little unsteady, so Dak and Lilian help me back to the counter. I drink the water, then down the lemonade. At that point, I notice the tea and figure I’ll be needing a long bathroom break soon.

Despite the previous liquids, I take the cup of tea and down it in a couple of swallows, which is the best way to drink most Elven herbal teas, because they taste terrible. I’m getting no immediate effect, so I’m thinking the fun will start later. I was not told what this tea would do.

Hoagie bags up the sandwiches and some napkins and a couple of cupcakes. Lillian fills up a bottle with lemonade. Dak and I both get hugs from Lilian and handshakes from Hoagie, who gives me some advice.

Two things, Mick. First off, avoid the new highway up to Mendocino. Take the back road that your dad used to use. The highway is going to be full of cops and that Hornet of yours sticks out like a whore in church. Next thing is, check the trunk of the car. You didn’t ask, but I figured I’d stock it up while it was parked down at Tiburon. You never know what you might need.”

I thank him and we start heading for the door. Before we step outside, I take a look at the street. Nothing hinky going on, so we go out. The car is untouched and I go around to open the trunk.

Holy cow! Hoagie has the entire trunk packed full of guns, knives, camping equipment, food, blankets, a first aid kit and a quart of tequila. I love that guy!

“Dak, do you know how to use a gun?”

No, I don’t. Not much use for one in the city. But I know how to use one of these.”

He picks up a big Bowie knife and hefts it in his hand, then he takes another. He looks at me and grins.

Good enough. Climb in and let’s get out of here.”

In less than a minute, we’re heading down the road. No tails that I can see, but where magic is concerned, that doesn’t mean much.

Once we’re on the highway, I speed up until I’m passing everything else. We get about twenty miles when I see the turnoff for the old Coast Road. It’s not very wide and it’s beginning to show the lack of maintenance, but it also has almost no traffic, so I punch it and we’re zipping along at 70 miles an hour. Dak breaks out the sandwiches and we start chowing down.

If you don’t mind me asking, Miss Mick, where are we going and what’s going on?”

He’s a polite kid. I like that.

First of all, just call me Mick. The Miss part makes me sound like an old maid teacher. As to what’s going on, we’re delivering the book and ring to somebody. An Elf, I’m sure, but I don’t know his or her name. Don’t know where he or she is, either. The setup was that I’d find clues that would lead to a meeting place. Once I’m there, I hand over the book and ring and that’s it. Well, at least it was until your dad started telling me I was the Bringer Forth and there was a damned prophecy. Now I’m confused as all hell. Whatever the book and ring are about, they were so important that the Wizard who hired me strongly suggested that I have my mind wiped or I’d never get out of the city alive. I left myself some notes to help me along and now you know the whole deal.”

Can I see the book and ring?”

I figure it’s not gonna hurt anything, so I hand them over. Dak sees them and his face

gets a look like I suppose would be on Grandma Silvia’s if she suddenly met Jesus and the Virgin Mary in person. It was a bit unnerving to me, the decades lapsed Baptist choir girl.

That’s the Ring of Taeena and the Book of Changes! This is really powerful stuff! No, this is THE powerful stuff! Holy shit, Mick, we can’t EVER let a human get hold of this!”

Oh, great, I wasn’t nearly nervous enough.

How powerful are we talking, Dak?”

He looks at me with eyes that could not get any wider.

End of the world powerful”

That has about two seconds to soak in when a big black car shows up in the rear view mirror and starts gaining on us. It’s way too big and expensive to be Feds, so I’m thinking it’s gotta be a Wizard.

I have just enough time to tell Dak to hang on when I see a ball of purple light shoot out of the window of the black car and come streaking towards us. Both sides of the road are lined with pines and there’s nowhere to dodge and then the ball of energy hits.


Oyster Milkshake



Amnesia & Magic

 Part Six

My name is Michelline Lenore Allen, but everyone calls me Mick, except family, who call me “Snoopy” and my Cherokee grandmother who always called me “Little Fox”. I was born in San Francisco on March 8th, 1895, which means I’m 40 years old. I have an older brother and sister and two younger twin brothers. My parents live up near Lake Tahoe now. I was married once, for ten years, to Bill Allen, who is still an FBI agent and the most handsome man I know. We divorced because I just couldn’t keep doing what old man Hoover wanted us to do.

I have a dog named Watson and a cat named Holmes. Neither of them is exceptionally smart, but both of them are lovable. I need to get my house painted. My mother used to be a singer. My dad was a fireman and part time fishing guide.

I have big feet for a woman. My sister is a teacher, my older brother is a lawyer and both of my younger brothers are truck drivers. I don’t like applesauce. I don’t get seasick.

I’ve been to South America, Europe and India. I like reading mysteries and horror stories. I would have sex with Gary Cooper in a hot second. My best pal from high school, Martha Hendricks, is a spy in Germany right now.

I have 12 nieces and nephews, but no kids of my own. I like sitting on the beach watching the sun set. My favorite booze is tequila, straight up. I still own my first big girl party dress. I prefer showers to baths.

When I was 10 years old, I convinced my little brothers that they were invisible. They got in trouble trying to steal cookies right in front of Mama, Auntie Gayle, Auntie Bonnie and Grandma Sylvia.

I’m a very good shot with almost any type of gun. I have been forced to kill people who were trying to kill me. It didn’t bother me a whole hell of a lot.

I love solving mysteries. I haven’t gotten laid in six months. I love ducks. I hate snow. I can change a flat tire in record time. My best friend, Jane, named her first daughter after me. I’m a registered Democrat. I’m a hell of a tree climber.

I’m allergic to roses. Cats can be used by Wizards to spy on people. I like Elves. I don’t like humans who use Magic now that I know it’s killing off the Elves. I’m on J. Edgar Hoover’s enemies list, but he can’t do anything to me because I have photos of him engaged in homosexual activity. He was in drag at the time.

I’m Mick Allen, Private Investigator, and I’m on a case that could change the world.

Time to wake up and get at it!

The Totally Sappy, Yet Still Quite Thrilling, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty and The Magical Party Dress

…co-starring her pet kitty, Ozymandias


Hey, folks, remember to go over to my Facebook page and vote in the poll after you read this!


Amnesia & Magic

Part Four

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the man and woman with him are his parents. He’s looking even better than the last time I saw him, but his folks look about three steps from death’s door. I know what’s coming even before he speaks.

I’m really sorry to bother you, ma’am, but could you help my parents out, like you did me? Please? They’re really bad off and…”

His dad steps forward and looks me in the eye. His skin is ashen and hangs loosely on him. His hair is yellowing and he’s probably blind in one eye.

I have told Dak that this is not our way, so my wife and I will not ask or expect anything from you. We came along only to see if the rumors are true. We wished to see if you are the Bringer Forth. We can now see that is true and that you are busy with the Quest. We will bother you no more.”

My head is spinning like a top hearing all this. Bringer Forth? Quest? Rumors? I thought I was in deep before, but this makes me think that I’m in way deeper than I imagined. Jeez, woman, what the hell did you get yourself into this time?

He starts to turn away and without thinking I reach for his shoulder to stop him. When my hand makes contact, I get a hell of a jolt and everything around me just vanishes.

I’m standing in a garden behind a big Victorian house. I can look over our back fence and see the ocean a couple of miles away. My mom is hanging laundry on the clothesline and my twin baby brothers are playing with toy cars nearby. My mom is a tall woman, a negro. She’s beautiful and she’s singing a song about sunshine. Just then, a man steps out of the house. It’s my dad, who is this big…Cherokee Indian? He’s asking if we all want to go to the zoo later.

Now I’m going up the back steps of an apartment in New York City. I’m maybe 25 years old and I’m carrying a sawed off shotgun. We’re going to arrest a group of bank robbers. My partner is with me and he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. It’s hard to keep my mind on business, because I’m thinking how we made love that morning.

Now I’m sitting in an office reading a newspaper. The office isn’t big, but it’s nicely furnished and clean. The door opens and my secretary, Telan, an Elf, tells me my noon appointment is here. She looks pretty healthy for an elf. She shows the appointment in and he’s a…

And then I’m back in the Ferry Building and the Elf is looking at me with a mix of shock, fear and joy. He’s looking healthier already. Me, I feel like I’m going to pass out, but I haven’t dropped me coffee.

He and the boy help me sit down. There aren’t any more shocks from them, so I guess it’s a one time thing per person. I’m gulping down coffee and I see that his wife is smiling and weeping. Oddly, nobody in the area seems to have noticed any of this. Magic, or just big city folks oblivious to everything but themselves? I don’t know, but I’ll take whichever it is.

After I’ve nearly emptied the coffee cup, I decide Dad Elf owes me some answers.

Ok, what the hell just happened there?”

He looks around, then sits beside me. The kid sits next to him and his wife sits across from us.

You have accepted a very important mission. A mission that means much to my people, but also means much to the ones who use the Power. You carry two things hold great Power, and very small amounts of this Power pass through you and into us when we touch for the first time. It heals and regenerates us. It also seals the Power within us, so that it cannot be tapped by human users.”

Wow! Not only did I make them healthy again, but I made them untouchable to Wizards and Mages. I’m surprised every Elf in the city isn’t looking for me. Dad Elf keeps talking.

I do not know or want to know what your mission is, but I will tell you that it is very dangerous. You will need help on it. To give you that help, I will send my son with you. Dak, go and buy a ticket for the ferry.”

The kid runs off and I’m getting ready to protest this until I give it another thought. I’m alone in this, my memory isn’t back yet and this is sure to have me mixing with Elves. Maybe the kid coming along, at least partway, isn’t such a bad idea. I nod to his dad to show that I approve.

The boy is very smart,” he tells me, smiling, “and he knows much of both the Elvish way and the ways of humans. He will give everything for you, if need be.”

Well, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, I’m thinking. I figure I’ll send the kid home when things get really rough, which could be sooner than later now that my memory is coming back. I give the area around us another quick look, but nobody sets off my trouble sense. Still, just because you can’t see trouble, that doesn’t mean it can’t see you.

Well I’ll be damned. That little quote about trouble was something my Dad used to say. The fact that I remembered that is not comforting.

At that moment, Dak returns with his ticket and the announcement is made that the ferry has started boarding. Dak’s mother hands him a bundle of clothes and they hug. When he goes to hug his father, I walk over to his mom and give her a big hug.

My gun is named Gladys. I love Mexican food. I will never drink gin again so long as I live. My mother’s favorite color is red. My ex husband was a tough guy, but scared of clowns. I’m a reasonably good cook. My older sister broke that window and blamed it on the dog.

I lost my virginity in high school to a sweet little white boy named David. It was not a bad experience.

My nickname is Mick, short for Michelline. I’m not a big fan of flying. My best friend, Jane, is the funniest person I’ve ever known. Billy “Two Guns” O’Donelly swore that he would break out of prison and kill me. He broke out of prison, but an hour later got run over by a truck.

I live in the same house I grew up in. I take the bus to work every day.

I’m a private detective. I used to be an FBI agent.

I remember all of that and when we break the hug, both of us are crying.

I’ll take good care of your son.”

She nods to me. She’s so much more healthy that she doesn’t look the same as she did before. She’s very pretty.

Go now, Bringer. Help my people and yours with whichever of the Three Ways you think best. Only your choice will be the right one.”

I want to ask her more, but next thing I know Dak is leading me onto the ferry. A minute later, the boat casts off and we wave goodbye to his parents. As we do, I see some big bruisers in suits enter the dock area.

Feds! Oh shit! They’ll get the ferry master to radio our ferry to turn back. Or maybe they’ll just come after us with a fast boat. Either way, things don’t look good.

Dak sees them and begins saying something in Elvish. When he finishes, all hell breaks loose back at the Ferry Building.

My Three Clones

…a wacky sci-fi family sitcom



Amnesia & Magic

Part Three

I’m about to start heading up the steps when a voice behind me says, “Excuse me, miss, but I think you’ve dropped something”.

I don’t jump out of my skin, despite every urge to. Instead, I turn around and there’s this sweet looking older lady holding out a small coin purse. I’m about to tell her that I didn’t drop it when I see her wink at me. I decide to go with it and take the purse.

As I’m thanking her, I’m giving her a good look to see if I might know her. She’s maybe in her mid-sixties, about 5’2” and chubby. Grey hair, blue eyes and a face that looks like the model for every picture of a grandmother that was ever painted. She’s wearing a simple blue dress that is lightly dusted with flour. She smells like cinnamon buns and cookies. My brain is screaming out that we know her, but I’m not getting a name.

I smile back at her and thank her. She pats my hand.

Glad to help, sweetie. I’m sure you’ll need that purse.” Her voice is calming, like all good grandmother voices are.

Yes,“ I reply, still not coming up with a name, “I’m sure I will, Miss…?” I’m fishing here, but what the hell, right?

Her smile gets bigger. “Oh my, look at the time! I need to get back and get started on my cupcakes. You have a good day and stay safe, Snoopy.” With that she starts walking away, but I hardly notice because my head is reeling and I’m remembering that Snoopy was my nickname as a kid. I’m also remembering that my older sister, who is nameless at this point, gave me the nickname one summer at a cabin my family stayed at up on the Mendocino coast. I can see that cabin as clear as day and remember every twist in the road to get there, but I still can’t tell you my own name.

Ok, I tell myself, a little at a time will do. Better than nothing.

A breeze is kicking up and for no good reason I start walking west away from the Big X. It’s a nice sunny day in San Francisco and in the moments when I’m not wondering what in the hell is going on, I enjoy the breeze and the sun on my face.

Opening up the coin purse reveals a hundred bucks in twenties, a set of car keys, a tiny pouch of what looks like leaves & roots and another note from myself. It reads…

Her name is Mrs. Olaffson. Figured I should tell you that or it would bother you all day. If it’s past noon, you have less than three hours to get out of town before your memory starts returning and you become very detectable. If you’ve already regained some memories, you can cut that time in half.

The keys fit a ’33 Hudson Hornet parked at the ferry dock in Tiburon. Once, you’re in it, head towards the cabin, but stop in San Rafael at Hoagy’s so you can change your clothes and get a big cup of hot water to make the tea in the little pouch. After that, go to the cabin, then find old fort you used to play in. You’ll get more answers there. Watch your back, kid, because things are going to get damned dangerous soon.

Again, sorry to be so vague.

Love, You From 18 Hours Ago

PS: Unless they call you “Snoopy” or “Mick”, don’t trust anybody human. And avoid the peppersteak hoagy. Delicious, but you don’t need the heartburn.”

OK, this is more like it. I like specific goals. Time to hail a cab and get my ass to the ferry. I look up and down the street and see a cab parked in front of a hotel. I pick up my pace and I’m almost there when I start to sneeze. Not just one sneeze, but a whole chain of them. My eyes are starting to water, too. That’s when I see the roses in front of the hotel. The roses that are downwind from me.

So, I’m allergic to roses. Well, that’s one mystery solved. I was wondering if it had something to do with magic.

Wiping my nose, I jump into the cab and tell the driver there’s a big tip in it if he can get me to the Ferry Building in record time. He hits the gas, does a U turn that gets him cussed out by a dozen other drivers and we’re off to the races.

After a few minutes, I stop sneezing and my eyes feel ok. Allergies are not fun and I’m not looking forward to any feline encounters. Of course, it’s also a distinct possibility that cats are magical trouble. I guess we’ll just have to see which side the coin lands on.

As we fly down the street dodging pedestrians and other cars, I start thinking about what the Elf kid told me. I’ve got Power, which means I’m connected to some source of it. Since I’m not a Wizard or Mage, It’s got to be the book, the ring or both. But if that’s the case, whoever is after me should have grabbed me up while I was still knocked out on the garbage pile. Both the Feds and the Wizards have some really effective ways of finding things that had Power, and yet, here I was, free as a bird.

Well, ok, a bird being hunted, but I hadn’t been tracked down yet.

I’m searching my brain for what I know about magic and it turns out I know a fair amount. I know that magic returned to the certain parts of the world, mostly the northerly areas of North America & Europe, in 1851. I know that Elves can’t cast spells, but they use magic to do things like hide really well in forests and travel quickly in any wilderness area. I know that humans can cast spells, but they need to channel the raw Power through elves, which is not good for the Elves. I know that’s why Elves are dying out and I know that’s why I hate Wizards.

Lost in thought, the cabbie has to tell me twice that we’re at the Ferry Building. I toss him a twenty and he thanks me profusely and hands me a card. It has the cab company phone number and his name, “Luis”, on it. If I ever need a cab, he tells me, ask for him.

The schedule posting says it’ll be 15 minutes until the next ferry to Tiburon, so I buy my ticket and grab a cup of Joe from the snack bar. I’m just pouring in some cream when I see the Elf kid coming towards me and he’s not alone.

This Week’s Episode: Willie Borrows Clem’s Mule

…it’s a laugh riot

The Doclopedia #912

The Alphabet: B

B is for…Baker Elves

These jolly little elves stand just four inches tall and travel in family groups of 5 to 15. Most baker elves have blond hair, but redheads are not unknown. They all tend to be a bit on the chubby side, but are quick and nimble nonetheless.

As their name implies, these tiny folk just love to bake things. A family group will set up shop in a human home, then every night for a week or so, they’ll bake things late at night for their hosts to eat. By using a magical spell, the Baker Elves insure that the humans won’t wake up until the baked goodies are out of the oven in the morning. After a week or so, they tiny bakers move on to another human dwelling.

Everybody loves Baker Elves. Even cats & dogs won’t bother them.




The Doclopedia #913

The Alphabet: C

C Is For…Cold Pigs

On Earth 72, there is a large and very dangerous species of swine that lives in the cold sub-polar regions. Standing 4 feet tall at the shoulders and nine feet long from snout to tail, these hogs are covered in dense thick fur over an even thicker coat of fat. They travel in small herds consisting of one or two boars, three to six sows and, in the spring & summer, up to two dozen piglets.

Cold Pigs will eat anything they find or can kill. In the summer, they roam the tundra eating plants, small animals, birds eggs and carrion. They will chase polar bears, foxes, snow yetis and wolves away from a kill, although they only chase away the wolves when they outnumber them. Cold Pigs will also kill and eat humans, elves and other humanoids if they get the chance. These giant swine are able to move with great stealth and even greater speed when necessary. Often, the first and last thing their prey sees are those razor sharp foot long tusks.

In the fall, Cold Pigs move to their winter hunting grounds in the upper range of the boreal forests. Here, they can survive the winter in relative comfort, providing they don’t encounter Northern Goblins, Forest Dragons or a very large pack of wolves.