The Stupidly Funny, Yet Also Quite Uplifting, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Completely Crazy Cats

…featuring her wacky pal, Vividly Blue Benny

Amnesia & Magic

Part Twelve

Ok, Ok, I’m waking up here. Stupid damned alarm clock!

I’m not even fully awake yet and I slip the ring on my finger. I feel a momentary tingle all over, but other than that, nothing happens. The dream, or whatever it was, of my Granny is very vivid still. Actually, so is the dream about Bill, which is not so welcome after six months of celibacy.

It’s five in the morning and I stumble into the bathroom, noticing as I go that Dak is still snoring. It kind of reminds me of my younger brothers, Al and Andy, both of whom could have slept through a house fire at that age.

When I’m done in the john, I get dressed and then wake Dak up.

Time to wake up and hit the road, Dak. We’ll get breakfast along the way.”

While Dak tends to his morning needs, I take another look at the book and see that the title, formerly runes I couldn’t read, now says “The Book of Changes” in good old English. Ok, so I know one thing the ring does.

I try to open the book to see what the hell it’s all about, but I can’t. Might as well be trying to pry apart to welded pieces of steel. I curse with gusto.

It is not yet time, Daughter of Taeena”, says a voice in my head, causing me to drop the book like a hot potato. After a moment, I pick it back up and slip it into my pocket. I’ll never get used to this Magical stuff.

Once Dak is ready, we pack up our stuff and go check out. Honey is exactly where I parked her and there are two teenage boys lying flat as mackerels on the ground next to the driver’s side door. One of them is holding a lock pick, which I notice Dak pocket, but I don’t say anything about it. I had a lock pick when I was a kid, too.

We drag them a few feet away. Although they are limp and unmoving, both of them are wide awake, courtesy of yet another spell placed on Honey.

Don’t worry, guys,” I tell them. “You’ll be ok once we’re a few hundred yards away. When you can move again, I suggest that you go think about giving up your life of crime. If you don’t, I’ll come back here and turn you both into skunks.” I smile sweetly, but menacingly. One of the boys wets himself.

As we start to drive away, I notice that there is a white dog in the middle of the road. No, not a dog, a wolf. Right there in the middle of the road in the middle of town and nobody, including Dak, seems to notice him. Ok, more ring Magic, just for good old Mick.

The wolf gets up and saunters south, which is the way I was going to turn anyway. After a few seconds, he just fades away. I know what this is all about, what with being half Cherokee and all. This is a spirit guide, sent to tell me how to get to where I need to go. After hearing about such things all my life, I’ve got to admit this is pretty great.

I tell Dak about the spirit guide and he takes it in stride. He tells me that his people sometimes have spirit guides appear to them in times of danger. As we chat, I’m beginning to remember that Elves and Native People have a whole lot in common. I’m wondering what North and South America would be like if Columbus and his crew had all died in a big storm or something.

After a couple of hours pass, I’m sure of two things: I have more than one type of spirit guide, because I’ve seen white deer, white birds, white rodents and even a white swarm of bees. I’m also sure that I’m hungry enough to eat a pine cone.

A few minutes later, we enter a small town that has two diners on opposite sides of the road. In the middle of the road sits a fat white raccoon, rubbing his belly, then pointing to the right.

Who knew that spirit guides gave diner reviews?