Not In This Issue: Squid Mating Rituals, Ham And Ireland

…sorry about no ham

 

The Doclopedia #1,191

Bad Swords: Rotseeker, The Sword That Infects

“That there sword, it calls out to you, don’t it? It wants somebody to pick it up and to use it. But that’s just the start of the curse, ya know? After you touch it and feel that cold steel warming to your touch, your time in Hell begins.

Now, the legend will tell you that it was originally enchanted and owned by Father Hendrik, the legendary slayer of undead things. Truth is, even the folks in the Church are not sure that’s true, but since Hendrik did use Rotseeker…yeah, that’s the name he gave it…to pretty damned great effect against the hordes of the undead, they let the legend stand as truth.

So old Hendrik, he takes up this sword at age 21…nobody knows where he actually got it…and he goes out and starts cutting through the First Rising like he’s a dragon and they’re kobolds. You know, they say that in one day, he finished off 300 creatures from the walking dead to a master vampire, then finished off with the destruction of a lich! A gods damned LICH!

See, that’s the power of Rotseeker. One hit, even a nick, and the undead start to just fall apart. That’s why you’ll find no intelligent undead anywhere near where the sword might be. Hendrik killed their lot for fifty years and by the time he was done, the corporeal dead were as scarce as hen’s teeth.

And that’s where the curse comes in. See, old Hendrik, now in his seventies, didn’t have much to do. Oh, he’d preach some, but with no undead around to actually fear, folks listened to him mostly out of courtesy. It must have really put a burr under his saddle, ya know? Then one day, he hears about an evil ghost that’s driving folks mad, so he goes and deals with it pretty quick. That sets him on the path that doomed him, ghost hunter.

A couple of years and several dozen evil ghosts later, he goes to this abandoned hamlet that he’s heard is just full of ghosts. Sure enough, it is and Hendrik just starts slaying them, no questions asked. Problem is, these ghosts weren’t evil. They were innocents slaughtered by some mad baron 200 years earlier. Hendrik should have been helping them cross over, but he was on a killing spree.

So he comes to the final ghost, see, and it’s the spirit of the town priest. Just before the sword gets him, the ghost, who you can figure is pretty well pissed off, curses Hendrik and the sword. For a thousand years, Hendrik’s soul will be trapped in Rotseeker, aware of his sins, but crazed to slay the undead.

Meanwhile, the poor overconfident bastard that seeks to follow in Hendrik’s footsteps will slowly become infected with undeath from using. Takes years, maybe decades, for the effects to really show, but once they do, the cursed person changes into a ghoul, compelled to feed on dead flesh. The sword lays where the drop it, which is always on sacred ground. Then somebody finds it and the process repeats.

Or it did repeat, until Friar Albertus figured things out 30 years ago. Now, after 375 years of cursing, the sword is right there, in that heavily blessed case in this cathedral. You and I are as close as anyone can get without being blasted by holy enchantments, high level magic and maybe a dozen traps set by a dozen master thieves. You cross that there line on the floor and your dead before you know it.

Will anybody ever pick it up again? Hell, your guess is as good as mine. That curse will be active for another 595 years! A lot can happen in that amount of time and sooner or later, the intelligent undead are going to hear that Rotseeker is locked away. What do you want to bet that if things get really dark, some cleric figures out a way to take it up?”

The Fattest Mouse Gets Eaten First

…and other proverbs

The Doclopedia #1,101

The Alphabet: K is for…

Kangaroo Uprising

 

…that’s what it was, mate! The bloody Kangs rose up against the Koalas and Wombats, trying to take control of Australia. It was a damned close thing at first, what with the Cockatoos and Wallabys on their side and us with only the Platypuses and Kookaburras. Two years it went on, and many died on both sides before we got the Emus, Dingoes and Birds of Prey on our side.

After that, it weren’t long before the Kangs gave up and things got sorted out by the politicians. Now, three generations on, we’re all right, mate. Of course, the humans all got wiped out, but there never were many of those blokes anyway.

K’vek

…was an alien of the K’or Dishi race who had the unfortunate luck of straying too near Fantasy Earth 43, where magic prevented any technology greater than the simplest clockwork mechanisms. His small spacecraft shut down and he was barely able to guide it into a crash landing in a large alpine lake.

Escaping with his life and nothing more, K’vek started exploring this strange world. Since he looked somewhat like a large flightless bird with arms instead of wings, he stayed hidden from the dominant sentient races. Fortunately, he could eat this planet’s animals and plants, so starvation was not a worry.

Eventually, K’vek was found by a young mage who had detected an “otherworldly presence” using a spell of detection. After some tense moments, they were able to converse and learned much about each other. The mage, one Terulin by name, invited the alien to come stay at his home, an invitation K’vek was happy to accept.

Over the years, the two became close friends and Terulin explained K’vek to the outside world as “a rather successful experiment in polymorphing”. Using K’vek’s advanced abilities at mentally computing probabilities and chemistry, they sent parties of adventurers out on many successful missions, making all involved quite wealthy.

K’vek died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 187. Terulin, only a few months from death himself, used his wizardly skills to create statues of himself and his old friend. These huge crystal statues still stand unchanged amidst the ancient ruins of Castle Terulin.

It’s All Fun And Games Until Mr. Kraznisky Starts To Go Blind

…it was temporary, but still,,,

 

The Doclopedia #1,069

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Dragon Mountain Inn

On Earth 33-F, the world was conquered by China in the year 800 AD. This was helped by the fact that Earth 33-F is a magical world, but Chinese magic was the strongest by far. Now, the world very much Chinese and there are many sacred and magical sites to which pilgrims, scholars and the just plain curious go. One such place is Dragon Mountain, located where Mount Washington, New Hampshire would be in our world. Atop it (or maybe inside it) live the Mother & Father of All Dragons. Why the hell people go see them is a mystery, but those who go always stop at the Dragon Mountain Inn.

The inn is large and built of the granite this area is famous for. Inside are sleeping rooms , dining rooms, a temple, baths, a drinking room and even a library. Next to the inn are stables and a healer’s hut. Just across the road is a shrine full of items left by those who have made the journey.

The owners and staff of the inn are gracious, efficient and skilled at their jobs. Rates are much cheaper in the winter months, when only the desperate or insane go up the mountain.

The inn is located about halfway up the mountain, exactly 100 steps from the line that the dragons burned around the mountain to mark where their territory begins.

Note: Only about 1 in 5 people who go up Dragon Mountain ever come back down. Those who do are often quite different, both physically and mentally, from when they went up.

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The Doclopedia #1,070

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The Jungle Room

From: Doc Tempest

To: All Agents

Date: June 1, 1936

I am happy to report that renovations to the Jungle Room, located in Los Angeles and formerly owned by the late Angelo “Hammers” Carbone, are completed and it is now under our control. It will have a gala opening on June 10th.

Management of the Jungle Room is being handled by one of our best repurposed former criminals, Salvatore “Icepick Sal” Rosetti. Sal is sparing no expense in making the Jungle Room the place for both the famous and infamous to meet.

The dancers in the nightly “Jungle Drums” review are all Agents, mostly from here in the US, but also including several from our African operation. They are under the direction of Dr. Joshua Franklin, whom many of you know from his work against the Ku Klux Klan. He now goes by the name of “Doozie Hulbert” and appears in the review as a witch doctor. I’m told he is thoroughly enjoying preparing for life on the stage. He will also be handling things in the sub-basement laboratory.

The waitstaff and cigarette girls are all graduates of our Academy and include Miss Polly North, our 1935 Female Shooting Competition winner. Our head chef is non other than retired Colonel Gerard Denis, recently retired from both the La Sûreté Nationale and our European operation. He is an excellent chef.

Agents working the Los Angeles area are urged to visit the Jungle Room on a regular basis, especially those of you with high end cover identities

Attached, please find a list of all secrets entrances, passwords, weapons/equipment stashes and other relevant information.

Good Luck!

James Tempest

A Clown With A Frown Went To Town To Get Down

…his eyes were brown

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,064

Lost Letters: From A Wizard To An Apprentice

Sansy,

I am sending you this letter via RavePost so that you will get it before mixing the ingredients for the Power Infusion spell. I fear that you might do things wrong. This fear is based upon my chance reading of your notes concerning said spell.

First of all, you must only use a tiny pinch of dog hair and six dragon scales. In your notes, you wrote a “good pinch” and “8 scales”. That would be far too much of both.

Next, you must use half pure water and half angel urine. This is VERY important!

Finally, you need to only channel the power that rushes into you for EXACTLY TEN SECONDS. That will be more than enough time for you to stop the Undead Horde. Any longer and you risk taking on too much power, especially if you make even the tiniest mistake with the ingredients. The result of taking on too much power is…well, too terrible to think about.

Once you have stopped the Undead Horde, return here to resume your studies. No sightseeing or detours!

As I’ve told you, were it not for my bad back, I would have gone on the mission myself.

Master Ogdren

Handsome Joe Goes To The Supermarket

…with his human mom & dad

 

After The Change Came

Series 3

A Day For Hammering Out A Goddamn Peace Accord

How to attain an end to a war…

First, get a grumpy old Mutant to talk the Chinese Wizards into getting involved.

Second, destroy a very small and delicate ecosystem or five, so as to get the Green Ladies…all 10,000 of them…on your case.

Third, have a young Chinese Mutant and his friends make a bold and successful attack on the Dragon President.

In just about an hour, China was at peace with all troublemakers locked into a pre-programmed life of public service by Wizardly Edict. The ecosystem in restored and a goodly portion of it is now a No Trespassing Zone for all sentients. China is now a Capitalist Democracy, much like most of the rest of the world. This effectively means that all government is really local and Beijing is where you send the politically addicted to keep an eye on them.

Mongolia is still just plain old Mongolia, which is as it should be.

Me? I’m stopped off in Hawaii for dinner with Grace and then we’ll head home so I can get ready for QuestCon. I have told the Wizard’s Council, the Speaker’s Union and every friggin’ government on Earth that I am not available for at least the next 6 months, because I’m tired, I’ve got small children to raise and most of all, Summer Con Season is about to start.

Now I’m outta here to eat some fresh fish, drink a nice Big Island wine and make lewd suggestions to a green hottie. More blogging later.

Chapter 811: In Which Our Hero, After Saving The Queen From The Dastardy Duke, Rejoins His Merry Pirate Crew

…and overindulges in rum

 

The Doclopedia #978

Rings & Things: The Great Ring Station Of The Paa’Laan

The Great Ring Station was a space station built by the Paa’Laan race who lived on Altair 3, 4 and 5 three thousand years ago. The station was huge, fully 5,500 miles in circumference and 450 miles wide in the interior living space. Light is provided by huge panels that exactly mimic sunlight. The ecology is representative of all of the ecosystems on Altair 3, the homeworld of the Paa’Laan. When finally settled, two million Paa’Laani were living on the station.

Designed to provide a home for miners/scientists working in the area of Altair 11, the station was pushed out into interstellar space when Paa’Laani scientists accidentally blew up their sun. Amazingly, the Great Ring Station suffered no damage and only nobody in or near the station died. The GRS has now been drifting through space for just over 2,200 years at a speed of roughly 100,000 miles per hour. Life has gone on and there have been surprisingly few problems.

It is estimated that the GRS will enter the small Doogoln star system in another 768 years, at which point the GRS will have to be slowed down and decisions will need to be made about settling on Doogoln 4.

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The Doclopedia #979

Rings & Things: The Two Amber Rings

If you should find these two rings in a dungeon or ruins or dragon horde (yeah, good luck with that last one), do NOT put one or both of them on! The moment you do that, one ring stays on you and the other will appear in the finger of the nearest other sentient humanoid. After that, you will switch bodies at random times, usually the WORST random times. You’ll also start to go crazy after a few days, because it will get hard to remember which body is really yours.

The only way to break the curse is for both of you to cut off your ring hands and burn them with a Fireball spell. That doesn’t destroy the rings, because they just teleport off somewhere else for some other poor bastard to find.

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. My nickname wasn’t always Lefty, laddo.

Behold! Groob, The Terror From The Recycle Bin!

…not a real monster from an old Marvel comic

 

NOTE: For ease of transferring these posts over to my website, I’m going to start including genre tags.

 

The Doclopedia #958

Alt. Zombies: Giant Zombies         Genre: Horror, Fantasy

It was good that Wizard Nooba Bovarn got out of the Seven Kingdoms as fast as she could after the accident, because if she had stayed, she would have been permanently polymorphed into a dungworm. As it is, she just has to avoid all of the bounty hunters looking to bring her in alive for that two wagon loads of gold that is offered for her capture.

Nooba was always a somewhat dim sort for a Wizard, but really, dumping 200 gallons of a flawed Potion of Gigantism into Skwix Creek, which runs into the Swamp of the Undead? Stupid doesn’t cover that sort of error.

So yes, when 50 huge rotting zombies, each at least 30 feet tall, came out of the swamp searching for humanoid flesh, Nooba started packing her Bags of Fantastic Capacity. By the time they started ravaging the kingdoms, she was probably heading over the Lacewood Mountains on the express coach to Golvania or Atar Dalse. If she has any brains at all, she’ll keep going until she gets to Moonport, then take a fast ship to some far off land.

Fortunately, the Potion of Gigantism wore off after about three days and the zombies were quickly dispatched. Damage to property was enormous and there were at least 340 deaths. Thank the Goddess that it was easy to see and smell a 30 foot tall zombie coming or there might have been thousands of deaths.

Ah, I see that 19 more bounty hunters have signed on, bringing the total to 67. I am hopeful they will bring that idiot Nooba back to face justice soon.

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The Doclopedia #959

Alt. Zombies: Chimera Zombies         Genre: Horror, Pulp

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. America and all the ships at sea…Dateline New York City: The evil Doctor Bogenbroom has unleashed an army of undead horrors upon the city! These foul creatures are a horrid mixture of human and animal. They are fast moving and out for the brains of any living human they can catch. Those not killed, but merely bitten, soon die and then change into some chimerical horror. Fortunately for us all, Doc Tempest and his associates, backed up by the military and the New York Police Department, are destroying these hellish creatures even as they search for Bogenbroom’s secret lab. This reporter personally witnessed Doc and David Smalley-Smoot shooting nearly a dozen zombies in the head, the only known way to instantly kill them. Thank God for these great heroes!”