I’m Back

…and I hope I go another 6-7 years without needing to write that
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The Doclopedia #1,631

Odd Temporal Breakpoints: Earth 401-M

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The timelines of all universes have many possible breakpoints, but some have important breakpoints in the oddest, often most mundane situations. This is one of them.


When you get past about 250, the alternate Earths start getting stranger. By 400, you are well into the “fictional Earths”, those worlds where things we consider works of fiction exist. Sometimes that means something like Sherlock Holmes & company were real, but it can also extend to the whole world, as in the Marvel or DC Earths.

Earth 401-M has toons. Yes, just like in the Roger Rabbit movie, cartoon characters are real and interact with humans. This makes for a world with an admittedly funny high chaos factor. Still, humans have adapted to it and, indeed, would really hate living in a toon free world.

Now, you might think that this world would be jam packed with breakpoints, but the fact is, something about having millions of toons in the world makes spinning off new timelines all but impossible. And the ones that do get spun off no longer have toons in them. Temporal scientists have gon insane trying to explain this.

One of the very rare breakpoints can be found on January 11th, 1968. If Willard Walrus finds himself running late for work on a commercial for “Wally’s Waffle World”, he will attempt to get there fast on his son’s skateboard. At first, he’s doing okay, but then he hits Breakneck Hill and is soon rocketing along at about 70 mph. Halfway down the hill, he falls off the skateboard, causing it to shoot off through the air and eventually go through the passenger side windshield of a car driven by Mr. Bob Plumly. Bob loses control of the car and it hits a fire hydrant, breaking it off. Water shoots 30 feet into the air and then starts flooding the street.

The water is soon rushing down the street like a flooded river. When it hits the intersection of Hill and Main, it knocks Ophelia Opossum off of her delivery scooter, causing her to not deliver a quadruple espresso and 4 jelly donuts to Professor Argus Jinglesack of 99 Pickle Way.

Professor Jinglesack has been working for 3 days straight on his greatest invention, the “Toon Homewarp Opener”, a machine that will re-open a wormhole to the Tooniverse, from whence all toons came. The Professor wants toons and humans to be able to go freely between the two worlds.

However, deprived of much needed caffeine and sugar, the good Professor gets very sleepy, stumbles onto the control panel, and causes the Homewarp Opener to fire up. Unfortunately, it overloads and explodes, sending out a wave of quantum energy that transports every toon on Earth back to the Tooniverse. Earth 401-M has no more toons.

At least, not for 40 years, when a toon scientist build his own version of a Homewarp Opener.

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The Doclopedia #1,632

Odd Temporal Breakpoints: Earth 743-G

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The timelines of all universes have many possible breakpoints, but some have important breakpoints in the oddest, often most mundane situations. This is one of them.

Out in the 700s, it’s all about fantasy, magic, dragons and swords. These are the so called “D&D” universes. One of them has a very uncomplicated breakpoint that has enormous implications.

Deep under Dragon Mountain, there is an enormous dragon. Wundralax is 1,200 feet long, has a 2,000 foot wingspan, is 5,000 years old and has been asleep for the last 800 years. His treasure horde is enormous. Wundralax is also a very dangerous dragon because he has 7 different breath weapons and knows hundreds of spells. Waking him up would be the Gog-King of all bad ideas.

Which brings us to the 5 adventurers now climbing across the rope that has been magically stretched above the dragon all the way to a small treasure room where these 5 dungeon delvers hope to find the Eye of Yorris, a very powerful magic item.

The breakpoint here could not be simpler. If Storin Skullsplitter, Dwarven axemaster, does NOT fart, the odds of the party getting to the Eye, then teleporting back to the outside surface and getting away are about 95%.

If Storin does, against his will and despite a mightily clenched sphincter, rip off one of his notoriously loud and deadly farts, Wundralax will wake up gagging, blast the party with Draconic Hellfire, then go out into the world on a month long wave of destruction that will throw the whole planet into chaos.

That’s it. One fart could spin off a new timeline.

One Loud Fart Away From Getting Shot

…increase pucker factor to 11!

 

The Doclopedia #1,354

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “B”

B is for: Barb Pham

Barb is a technician at the Gardener Dome’s life support plant. Her primary job is running the water purification plant, but she also does a once a week shift at atmosphere storage.

Barb is well known in the dome for biking around with her dog, Dennis. Every weekend they are out and about, often going all the way around the dome’s 30 mile circumference.

Barb is a single, 38 year old woman of Vietnamese/Chinese/Norwegian ancestry. She is a Mars native.

The Absolutely Crazy, Yet Still Totally Believable, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Strawberry Jam Incident

…co-starring her best old pal, Wendy Wheatgrass

 

Hot Damn, it’s more Doclopedia entries!

The Doclopedia #1,350

Fun Magic Spells: The Wall of Marshmallow Spell

This spell creates a wall up to 30 feet wide, 10 feet tall and 3 feet thick. As stated, the wall is made up of marshmallow. The outside is dry to the touch, but the interior is very sticky. Getting stuck to it will slow any creature to ¼ of their normal movement rate. If set on fire, the wall will burn and melt in under 3 minutes and will smell delicious.


The Doclopedia #1,351

Fun Magic Spells: The Spiked Water Spell

Casting this spell can cause up to 5 gallons of water to have the same effects as 80 proof alcohol when imbibed. The effects last for varying lengths of time on different individuals, races or species. The water tastes just like ordinary water and does not leave a hangover.

 

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The Dancing Elks Present: Holiday Happenings On Ice

…how the hell do they dance on ice with those hooves?

A very quick post, just so y’all know I’m not dead.

The Doclopedia #1,348

Fun Magic Spells: The Following Fart Cloud

 

Cast this second level spell on someone and their next fart comes out as a noxious green cloud that follows right behind them at a distance of 2 feet. The spell lasts for 5 minutes.

 

The Doclopedia #1,349

Fun Magic Spells: The Merry Wanderers Spell

Cast this on any group of 2 to 6 humanoids and they will transform into a polka band and play a happy song before wandering off in a random direction for the next 30 minutes.