The Only A Couple Of Days Late, But Still Pretty Darned Exciting, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Expired Jar Of Gefilte Fish

…c0-starring her good buddy, Eddie Smulwich

 

Sasha's Bad Day, Part 5 
 

I crawl along the face of the cliff at a pretty good friendly neighborhood Spider-Man clip, which is easy when you have four tentacles and four short little basset hound legs. In no time, I’m a couple of miles away and I see a little mesa with really steep sides off in the distance. Looks like a good place to spend the night.

Now I’m swinging through the trees, well above the reach of any dinosaur. Unfortunately, the forest gives way to about a quarter mile of meadow before I can even start up the sides of the mesa. Not good, because clearings are prime hunting grounds. The ceratopsins and other grazers down below don’t seem to care, but I’m not heavily armored, fast on my feet or part of a herd. I’m gonna need to haul some serious ass and hope my strange appearance confuses any predators.

After a couple of deep breaths, I’m down from the tree and running toward the mesa.



 

 

 

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The Way Too Damned Late, But Still Touchingly Sweet, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Lazy Blogger

…co-starring her pet slug, Booger

Sasha's Bad Day, Part 4

It only takes me a couple of minutes to find a nice little 
ledge to sit on while I consider my situation. I got tossed 
into this world when a plasma state circuit on our 
dimensional flux stabilizer shorted out. Bang, a trans-quantum 
tear opened, I got sucked through and next think you know I'm 
trying not to be part of the carnosaur buffet. The question 
now is what to do until help arrives.

See, like everyone in my family, I have a locator beacon inside my brain. It’s about the size of a pea and will allow the Magic Bus find us if this sort of thing happens. The problem is, the multiverse is humongous and the bus has to search through a bunch of realities just to find me. So I could be here awhile. A couple of days, maybe. I’m thinking I need to find a good dinosaur proof shelter, then build a fire. After that, I’ll need food, because all that running has stirred up my appetite.

Mexican Jenny It All Figured Out

…or so she thought

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The Doclopedia #1,336

It’s A Trap!: In The Old West


“How the blue eyed hell did those lawmen get the drop on us? These hills are rough as a cob and we left town a good half an hour ahead of any posse. We had fresh…get up behind that boulder, Eli…fresh horses waitin’ for us and they still got here ahead of us! How the hell did…sonofabitch, they got Luis!

God damn it, we ain’t got bullets to waste like that, Charlie! Make them shots count! Looks like Tom is dead or dyin’, Frank. I sure wish I knew how that Sheriff Owens got ahead of us. You think he might of come down the creek on a raft or somethin’, Frank? Don’t seem likely, but that creek is swollen and runnin’ fast.

Well, I say we make a run for it through the canyon. Just you, me, Eli and young Will. Luis ain’t goin’ anywhere all shot up like that. Eli, yell to Will to get ready with the horses.

What do you mean he’s not there? And he took the horses? Well shit, at least we know how the law got ahead of us.”

Mysterious Spicy Tales Of Science Fiction Detective Horror

…they tried to cover all the bases

The Doclopedia #1,333

It’s A Trap!: In The Jungle

Okay, let’s assess the situation, shall we? That rat bastard Von Danigan told us the Temple of the Red Ape was in that last valley. He sold us a map and supplies and got us bearers. We trekked for 5 days through the hills and jungles and swamp until we got to where the map indicated, only to find not the Temple, but a damned large village of the Leopard People, who just happen to be fanatical killers of, well, everybody.

Having discovered that, we ran for our lives, barely keeping ahead of them. Sadly, it appears they have been herding us here to this clifftop where we have no place left to go except 250 feet down into that crocodile infested river. Does that about sum it up?

Yes, Miller, I can see that they’re getting closer. Yes, I’ve heard that they practice cannibalism. I’d rather not find out for sure. No, I think perhaps that you, Pickingham, M’Kenga and myself should just leap off the cliff.

Well of course we’ll probably die, Pickingham, but better to die in the fal and get eaten by crocs than let these bastards get us. Besides, that river is very deep and slow moving and we might just survive. Not sure if we should try to land on a croc or not. Probably not a good idea, but it would take a few out.

Anyway, gents, the Leopard People are within spear range, so on three! One…two…threeeeeee!”

Accurate Fart Simulation In SmartBots

a paper by Dr. Sasha Jane Cross


The Doclopedia #1,332

It’s A Trap!: In Milwaukee

What did I say, Gino? WHAT DID I SAY? I said taking this side job was a mistake. I said the G Men might be up to somethin’. I said if things went to hell we’d be fucked. AND I WAS RIGHT, WASN’T I?”

“Aw, come on, Paulie, it was supposed to be…”

“A sweet deal? All taken care of? That’s what you told me, Gino. When I was thinkin’ it was too good to be true, I asked you again and again and you said not to worry. We’ll there’s about 50 cops outside this warehouse and they’re all loaded for bear and Lucky Jake and his boys did a fast fade and I’m plenty fuckin’ worried now!”

“We still got Tony and Mikey. We can…”

“We can what, Gino? Chew a tunnel through the fuckin’ floor? Shoot it out when we have pistols, one shotgun and a few knives? Oh, wait, maybe we can just fly outta here!”

“How was I supposed to know Jake was in with the Feds? I’m sorry, Paulie, I really am. Jesus, there’s gotta be a way outta here!”

“Yeah, there’s two ways outta here. One is filled with lead and the other is goin’ the way Jake did.”

“Rattin’ out to the Feds? Christ, Big Al will have us killed.”

“Not if we talk fast and then haul ass up into Canada. I know a guy in Thunder Bay who can get us out of the country fast. He owes me.”

“But what about Tony & Mikey? They’re loyal to Big Al and they ain’t gonna turn on him.”

“Yeah, we’ll have to deal with them. Get a gun in each fist, Gino. We’re going to the other end of the warehouse to have a talk with them.”

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Giving Up The Fish Turned Out To Be a Bad Idea

…a hard lesson learned

The Doclopedia #1,329

News Of The Multiverse: Sports News

Chicago, United States, Earth 1-I: Fans rioted in the streets when the Chicago Cubs lost what would have been their fifth in a row World Series. The Cubs lost on a controversial call of out at home plate after two extra innings. Fans in Wrigley Field reportedly began throwing things onto the field and getting out of their seats. Within 20 minutes, there were fires and riots across the city. Two hours later the National Guard was called out. Early reports say at least 300 people have been arrested, 156 injured and 5 killed.


Space Station Oz, Earth 2-D: The Sally Ride Classic, as the Championship Gravball Tournament is known, got underway today at 9:00 am, GMT on Space Station Oz. Playing in Arena One are North America and Pacifica. After 2 hours, the score is 10-8 North America. In Arena Two, Europe faces off against Africa, with a score of 5-5 at the 90 minute mark. Winners will face Asia and Mars. Those winners will go up against South America and Luna. Systemwide viewership is estimated to hit 10 billion.

Hobbiton, Middle Earth, Earth 442-A: The annual All Hobbit Kickball Game will start tomorrow an hour after Second Breakfast. Seven teams will be competing and breaks are scheduled for Early Snack, Lunch, Mid Snack, Tea, Afternoon Snack, Dinner, Second Dinner and Late Tea. Last year’s winners, the Bywater Badgers, are the heavy favorites, but many say the Greenfield Gophers could upset them. A winning score in the mid single digits is expected.

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Ducks VS Turkeys: Now It’s Personal!

…my money is on the ducks

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,325

Spells Gone Wild: Sleep

Hello? Hello? Hargor can you wake up? Gilia, what about you? Rise and shine, Kelvo! Oh, please do wake up. The entire town is asleep and I’m sure I can’t steal that ancient sword by myself. I’m just not strong enough and I’m certainly not well enough versed in dealing with traps. Oh my, oh my!

I had no idea that those manastones we found were damaged. They must have leaked huge amounts of power into me. That sleep spell was supposed to only have a 20 foot radius, just enough to take out those museum guards. Instead, it seems to have spread nearly a mile. The whole town is asleep!

Now, let’s see…if the guards were only supposed to sleep for two minutes…and the spell was increased about 150 fold, then everyone will sleep for about 5 hours or so. Oh no! The sun will be up by then! Oh, this is bad. Perhaps I can attempt to send an Unseen Servant to fetch the sword. Hmmm.”

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