The Belatedly Retconned, But Well Crafted, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Blogger Who Forgot Things

…co-starring her favorite dwarf hamster, Ferdinand

The Doclopedia #1,423

Dangerous Dames: Rita Lincoln

Name: Rita Lincoln
Aliases: None
Age: 25
Hair: Blue & Green Eyes: Green
Height: 5’4” Weight: 100 lbs
Last Known Address: San Francisco, California
Crimes: Murder, Kidnapping, Grand Theft, Arson

Summary: Rita Lincoln was born in Reno, Nevada to a blackjack dealer and an auto salesman. She became a political activist in high school before joining the Rainbow Raiders, a well known and dangerous domestic terrorist group. She quickly rose to become the leader of the group.

The Rainbow Raiders are known for dying their hair two colors and wearing brightly colored clothing. They strike quickly, commit assorted mayhem, then disappear. They operate mostly on the West Coast, but have struck in Texas, New York, Illinois and Florida. They are responsible for the assassination of 3 US Senators, 1 Supreme Court Justice, 7 billionaires and the Mayor of Los Angeles. They are known to use firearms, explosives and in one instance, nerve gas. They should be considered armed and extremely dangerous.

Rita Lincoln is a marksman and skilled in several martial arts. She is a fanatic dedicated to radical environmentalism and feminism. She is known to favor broadcasting assassinations live on television and the internet. Experts have stated that she is the most dangerous sociopath they have ever seen. There is a $10,000,000 reward for her capture alive.

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The Billionaire Dog’s Journal

…it’s printed on gold pages

New Doclopedia theme! WOOHOO!

 

The Doclopedia #1,422

Dangerous Dames: Lily Martin

Name: Lily Martin
Aliases: Lily Moran, Lily Magellan
Age: 33
Hair: Black Eyes: Brown
Height: 5’9” Weight: 140 lbs
Last Known Address: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Crimes: Murder, Grand Theft

Summary: Lily Martin was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia to a well to do family. Somewhere around her 14th birthday she ran off with her 16 year old boyfriend, Ken Redding. For two years, they lived in and around Ontario, where they got involved in a criminal gang. When Redding was caught by the police stealing a car, Martin left town and headed into the United States. Records of her life and whereabouts for the next 5 years are extremely spotty, although she is known to have spent time in Boston, New York and St. Louis.

At age 21 it is known that Lily Martin, using the name Lily Moran, took part in and probably masterminded the Texas Rancher’s Bank heist. The sophistication of the crime had federal agents convinced that it must have been done by much older career criminals, until a chance recording by a department store security camera proved them wrong.

Two years later, an art heist in San Diego, was recorded in full by two cameras not listed on the art gallery’s blueprints. Lily Martin and a gang of 5 other women are clearly shown in it. Three of those women were caught within a month, but the stolen paintings have yet to be recovered.

Five years and at least two heists later, a woman going by the name Lily Magellan shot and killed one Pietro Guinelli in a restaurant in Seattle while he was having dinner with 18 year old Karen Taggert. The killer shot Guinelli four times in the chest, then told Taggert she had done her a favor. She then told everyone to “sit very still and be very quiet for 5 minutes” before she left. She made her escape and has not been seen since.

As of today, Lily Martin remains at large. There is a 1.25 million dollar reward for her capture. Law enforcement officers are urged to consider her armed and dangerous.

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Module L-2: The Creepy Village Of Ploom

…for characters of level 2 to 3.

 

The Doclopedia #1,418

Don’t Touch That!: Girl

I’m sorry, sir, but that girl is available only for very special customers. You see, she’s cursed with both the ability to induce the most legendary orgasms in a man, but then drain their life force, killing them.

Oh, no, sir, it’s a fair question. You see, when a man is very old, or perhaps near to death from some malady, they will seek out Katya to send them off to their reward in as happy and thrilling a manner as one might ask for.

Yes, she could do the same for convicts who face the noose, but why would she? Such men deserve what they get. Besides, her rates are quite high, well beyond most convicts.

Yes, she is quite happy. She has found her place in life and I assure you, she lives quite well when not here at work. Oh, my, there is one of her customers now. Mr. Yancey is wealthy, but his heart is weak and faltering. A shame, really, since he’s barely 40.

Now, come along and let me introduce you to Lucy. I think you’ll find her to be quite charming.

The Doclopedia #1,419

Don’t Touch That!: Pistol

Don’t go for it, Kid. You’ll be dead before that pistol leaves your leather. That goes for you, too, Luis. Just keep your hands on the table. I didn’t come here for anybody but Kid McKay, so if you don’t get jumpy, you’ll go on living.

That’s right, Kid, I’m a U.S. Marshall now. After you killed my brother and those other two men, I wanted to just hunt you down and kill you. I wanted that real bad. But Marshall Cogburn, who is outside with your drunken pal Clay under his boot, convinced me to go the legal route and see you on the end of a rope instead. Now get up real slow with your hands above your head.

BANG!

Well now, that was stupid for two reasons. First, because you thought I’d kill you, and second because now you’ll be going to jail with a useless right hand. Not that you’ll have much use for it once thay slip the rope on you. Now let’s go.

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Chapter 551: In Which Our Hero, Now Laden With Gold And Kitchenware, Takes His Dog To London

…the dog’s name is Ramon

 

THREE…YES, THREE…DOCLOPEDIA POSTS! I spoil you guys, I really do.

The Doclopedia #1,415

Don’t Touch That!: Sword

Stay your hand there, Brandis. Unless I’m wrong, and I seldom am, that is Nightbreaker, the cursed sword of Lord Yorgon. Stand back and let me identify it properly.

Oh yes, this is Nightbreaker alright. An incredibly powerful weapon, much feared by demons and other creatures of the Deep Darkness. With it, Lord Yorgon almost single handedly defeated the Legions of Hauzatlani. Caused the sword to glow with the brightness of 7 suns. Reduced the demons to a fine ash, including Hauzatlani itself. A great day for the world, but not for Lord Yorgon. His sword arm was burned off up to the elbow, he was blinded and driven insane. When he died some hours later, the sword flew into the sky and has not been seen until today.

I suggest we cover it with stones and detritus, then leave it here. I shell make a note of this location, in case demonic forces ever invade our world again.

The Doclopedia #1,416

Don’t Touch That!: Doorknob

Stop, Watson! Do not touch that doorknob under any circumstances. If you do, you’ll die.

I’m sorry for giving you such a start, old man, but I noticed a sheen of oil coating the surface just here. Do you see it? Yes, not very easy to see. Thankfully, my torch hit it from just the right angle. Now, let us see if it smells of anything.

Ah yes, a very noticeable scent of apples. Watson, what we have here is the sap of the New Guinea Death Fig, a small bush that produces a poisonous sap capable of killing a man in under a minute. A very nasty way to die, too. The skin begins to dissolve while the toxins cause the blood to break down. Yes, a terrible way to die indeed.

Now, let’s just use this mass of old rags to open the door. Be vigilant, Watson, for I have no doubt that Fu Manchu has much worse than this awaiting us.

The Doclopedia #1,417

Don’t Touch That!: Meteorite

DON’T TOUCH THAT! Jesus, Johnny, have you forgotten what happened two years ago when that old man touched a meteorite? That blob thing came out of it and killed him! Then it started growing bigger and pretty soon it had eaten about a hundred people and was trying to take over the town.

You’d better back the hell away from it. Now, let’s go find Sheriff Clark and have him call the Army to deal with this. They’ll know what to do with it. Hey, maybe we’ll get a reward or something. My car could use a new set of tires.

The Better Late Than Never Story of Mostly Purple Patty And The Doorway Into The Unknown.

…actually, it was the doorway to Cousin Mildred’s room

 

Confessions Of A Time Traveler

 

Holmes, Sweet Holmes

One of the big problems of jumping around time, space and alternate realities is that you very often meet people out of what some would call proper chronological order. No example points this out better than my long relationship with the Sherlock Holmes of Earth 199-D.

Earth 199-D, starting around 1830, is a more steampunk world than ours. The laws of physics are a bit looser to accommodate things like giant steam mecha and cities beneath the sea. There are no fantasy races or creatures, but there are lost civilizations, cryptids and odd powerful ancient relic. The whole world is just a lot more adventure filled.

Things on that earth are also much more egalitarian than they were (or are)on our Earth. Seeing women or people of color in positions of power is pretty common. And that leads us to Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective and his wife, Jenny Watson Holmes, Freelance Inventor.We’ll just let that sink in a bit.

So, to speed things up,Sherlock’s mother was Spanish, his older brother Mycroft is less fatand more entwined in the workings of the Empire, John Watson stillwrites up Sherlock & Jenny’s adventures (from his home in London), Jenny and Sherlock married young and they live on a cattle ranch east of Oakland, California, with their 5 children and Jenny’s mum.

Now, I first met the Holmes’ when I accidentally fell through a time portal into a warehouse in New York City in 1881. No sooner had I landed upon a very large and soft pile of wool blankets than a strong feminine hand clasped itself over my mouth and a Scottish tinged voice said “Please be quiet, Doc, or you’ll get Sherlock killed”.

Having become pretty used to weird shit happening to me over the years, I nodded and she let me go. Standing up, I saw a slightly taller than usual woman dressed in boots,trousers and a black cotton shirt. Her hair was red and cut in a bob.She was pretty, but not beautiful. She had a bit of grease on her cheek.

Obviously, she knew me pretty well, because after a second, she hugged me and told me in a whisper how glad she was to see me again. After the hug, she brought me up st speed on things,sort of.

It seems that I had met Sherlock first when he was a boy, then again just before their wedding. The current time was 8years after the wedding and Sherlock had let himself be taken prisoner by Professor Moriarty so he could find out about Moriarty’s latest plot. Now, she told me, was the time to rescue Holmes and give Moriarty his comeuppance.

A couple of minutes later, as the Napoleon of Crime raised his hand to shoot Holmes with a “freezing ray”, Jenny shot two of his henchmen with some sort of electrical tommy gun while I ran forward and body slammed Moriarty into a heavy wooden container. A couple of punches later and he was out cold. And his other two henchmen had run off at full speed.

Jennyreleased her husband from his bonds and then HE gave me a big hug.Then he kicked the awakening Moriarty in the head. I was processing everything that had just happened when the two of them started laughing.

“Oh Doc”, Jenny said, “The look on your face is priceless!”

“You might want to close your mouth, old friend. There are flies about.” Having said that, Sherlock laughed in what was, to me at least, a totally unHolmesian manner.

After another minute, they composed themselves and we set about tying up Moriarty and his thugs. We then loaded them into an impressive looking steam touring car and carted them off to police headquarters where Sherlock explained that Moriarty had planned to rob the North American Diamond Exchange later that night and make off with ten million dollars in diamonds. The police commissioner thanked us all profusely and then we left for the Holmes’ hotel suite to clean up before going out to dinner.

Along the way, Sherlock explained to me that I would meet him again when he was 10 years old and away at school. I would talk with him and give him some insight on both girls and doing what you loved to do in life. Apparently, that set him off on his adult path.

The second time I would meet him was two days before he and Jenny’s wedding at age 18. He was a bit vague about that meeting “so as not to spoil the surprises”, but it seems I had told him about meeting him tonight, which is why Jenny and the big pile of wool blankets were ready for me.

Like I said, time travel is seldom really linear. Or, as the other guy said, it’s all wibbly wobbly.

The rest of the evening was filled with a sort of mostly one sided chatting between old friends if one of those friends had just met you. It was a bit strange, but a couple of bottles of champagne smoothed things out. They were and are two wonderful people.

As we walked out to the car, Jenny again hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“It was so very good to see you again, Doc. Give our love to Grace and the critters.”

Then it was Sherlock’s turn to give me a hug and shake my hand.

“So long, my dear friend. I look forward to seeing you again sometime, hopefully much less surprised.”

And then a time portal opened under me and I fell into the swimming pool on the Bus. From another room I heard Sasha yell, “Softest landing I could think of on short notice, Daddy”. I was home.

The Big Election Night, But After The Polls Closed, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Whiny GOP Snowflakes

…co-starring her pet jerboa, Earline

DOG ON

 

So way back in 2012, at the age of 60, I got hit by a car, killed and reincarnated as a yellow Labrador Retriever. I wrote about it in my January 27th, 2012 post, but I figured you folks might want to know what happened next.

After I had chatted with Winker and Lucy, I left the house I was killed at and stopped a crazy son of a bitch from attacking a woman. I bit him, he ran into the street and a fire truck ran him over. He didn’t die, but he’ll never attack anyone again. Or eat solid food.

My cat friend Al and I made our way up the west coast to Seattle, where I checked in on some friends from my human days. It took us months to get there, mostly because I kept helping folks out of jams. See, that’s why I got the whole reincarnated dog gig, so I could do good deeds.

After Seattle, we spent just over a year crossing the country to get to New England. I checked up on many friends there over the course of a few weeks. Al and I kept meeting nice folks who would feed us and let us sleep on their porch or in their barn. It was pretty swell.

When the time to move on came, I figured, “Why not hike the Appalachian Trail?”. And so we did.

Eventually, 2 ½ years after leaving Sacramento, Al and I wound up in Amarillo, Texas, at the Big Texan Steakhouse. I had been there once as a human and I was hoping we could mooch some good chow.

Half way across the parking lot, I caught a familiar smell. It was Winker! The old girl was in a minivan that just pulled up. She recognized me and we had a short conversation before the humans got out of the van.

Lucy had died a few months earlier, at age 17. Winker was on a cross country trip with Grace, her new husband and two new basset girls, Sasha & Daisy. She said Grace had sold the house and they were all traveling around the country, sometimes in the minivan and sometimes in an RV.

Grace and her husband got out of the car and she was looking very well. Her hubs seemed like a nice guy and they even gave Al and I some chicken nuggets to eat. They were getting ready to go into their motel room, so I really only had time to say goodbye to Winker before they were gone.

Let me pause here to say that my memories of my human life have never left me, but they have receded and it sometimes takes a good while to remember exact memories. Some are so deep, they are essentially lost. In fact, everything from before I turned about 40 is a big hazy glob. Things do pop up in dreams once in a while though.

To make a long story shorter, the next 5 years found Al and I doing our thing helping folks out, saving lives, etc. It was fun and we saw a whole lot of the USA, Canada and Mexico. But about the time I had my 11th birthday, I knew old age was catching up to me. Al was 13 and slowing up, too, so we figured it might be time to find a nice family to adopt us.

That was the Adjami family, immigrants from Africa who lived in Las Vegas. They had 4 young kids and they took in Al & I and gave us a great home. There was always a warm bed or sofa, good food and plenty of love.

Not long after my 16th birthday, I knew that my life would end soon. I was very tired and had arthritis and a heart that was past it’s use by date. I told Al, now 18 himself, goodbye, crawled up on the couch with him and a few minutes later breathed my final breath.

As a dog.

As before, I found myself standing there in the living room, looking at my dead body. Al was meowing sadly and the humans were coming to see what was wrong.

“You probably don’t want to watch what comes next, Doc”

It was the Nice Lady, or Reincarnation Lady or whoever she is. I told her yes, I would like to leave. Next thing you know, we are in a high mountain meadow. It was very pretty and peaceful.

“You did very well during that life, Doc. You saved many lives and stopped many crimes. You get a reward now.”

I was thinking this might be where I walk into the light, but I was wrong. See, my reward was that I could pick the next mammal I got reincarnated as. The only restrictions were it could not be a human or a dog. It also had to be able to help people.

That made things a lot more complicated. Dogs are very suited for helping people and they also don’t make folks freak out if they see one walking down the street. The same cannot be said for a bear or a lion or an elephant.

House cats don’t freak folks out, but their life saving abilities are limited. Bunnies or guinea pigs are non-starters, as are goats or horses or other farm animals. What to choose, what to choose.

Then it hit me. There was an animal that might be useful and would not freak many humans out. It even had one advantage over dogs.

“Make me a raccoon.”

She clapped her hands and remarked that I had made an excellent choice. A few seconds later, I was emerging from the birth canal of a raccoon in Toronto, Canada. Our nest was in an old shed and I had two sisters and a brother. I got licked clean, found a nipple and dozed off while hitting the milk bar.

That was 6 months ago and now I’m part of a large pack of raccoons that patrol several blocks of a Toronto suburb every night. I’m still human intelligent, so I figure I’ll take control of the pack in a week or two. Once I do, I plan on using my fellow trash pandas and our manipulative paws (big advantage over dogs and worth the decreased sense of smell and bite power) to help humans out, especially in the area of crime fighting.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Raccoon knows!

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The Super Duper Scare Your Face Off, But Also Wildly Funny, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Haunted Outhouse

…co-starring her country cousin, Otis Goobersnock

 

Confessions Of A Time Traveler

Killing Hitler: Let Me Count The Ways

Pretty much everyone in my immediate family and a couple of my friends has gone back in time and killed Hitler. Of course, that doesn’t change our history, but it does spin off new timelines where the insane son of a bitch did die. It’s actually more fun than most people think.

Among us Hitler killers, I have done it the most. Silky, who you will remember actually fought the Nazis in her first life, comes in second. We are both into the triple digits. Grace only killed him once, but it was via a transformation hex that turned him into a rat, who, seconds later was crushed under Hermann Goering’s boot. Actually, Grace smoked him, too, but we are only counting Hitler kills here.

Before I go and further, let’s be clear that I’m only counting the times I have ended Adolf Hitler’s life, I’m not counting the times I had him get some good breaks as a kid or teen, got him into art school overseas, got him seriously laid for his first time ever by a Jewish girl, got him laid for the first time by a Jewish boy, scared him into the priesthood by posing as Satan himself or just plain neuralized him into being something other that an antisemitic nutcase. Nope, this is all about bringing his miserable life to an end.

So, I have killed Hitler by…

Rifle shot to the head, long range: 9 times
Rifle shot to the head, medium range: 7 times

Pistol to the head, point blank: 10 times
Pistol, two to the back of the head on a lonely road: 4 times
Shotgun blast, close range: 5 times
Machine gun: 8 times
Arrow, poisoned: 6 times

Blown to smithereens by explosives: 23 times
Dropped conventional bomb on him: 9 times
Nuked him during one of his rallies: 1 time

Poison: 11 times

Disintegrated him: 7 times

Decapitated with a sword: 3 times

Well placed dagger thrust: 15 times
Tossed him off a cliff: 4 times
Electrocution: 5 times
Gassed him in his own gas chambers: 12 times
Tossed him to a crowd of angry Jews: 6 times

Garroted him: 4 times
Ran him down with one of those sweet German touring cars: 4 times
Exposed him to high level radiation: 3 times
Tricked him into killing himself: 3 times
Sicced velociraptors on him (also took out 7 high ranking officers): 1 time
Plane crash: 3 times

Hung him: 4 times
Scared him to death using holograms: 2 times

Automobile accident: 5 times

Steamroller (not as funny as you’d think): 3 times
Strapped to a V-2 rocket: 1 time
Liquid nitrogen dip: 1 time

Drug overdose (surprisingly easy): 7 times

So, 185 times. Truth to tell, I’m kind of tired of killing Hitler. Of course, there is still, Stalin, the various Kims ruling the DPRK, Pol Pot, pretty much every tinpot dictator, the founders of the Ku Klux Klan, the founders of several religions, tons of gangsters and, of course, plenty of shitty politicians throughout US history.

I’m sure the folks in all those better new timelines would thank me, if they knew.