Mr. Porkwaffle Has A Problem with Mice

…so he tries to build a better mouse trap


Dog Con 7


Day 12: In which we leave Hawaii, get back to the Southern Californian mainland, Spike & I get mocked & laughed at and we have the wildest bachelor & bachelorette parties EVER!

11:45 pm

Lulu here, folks. I’ll be your reporters for this entry and the next, because Daddy is just too tired after the bachelor party. I was there, so I know. Hijacking an airship full of gold takes a lot out of a biological person.

I’ll also be reporting on the bachelorette party, since Sasha & Joe installed micro-cameras on all of the females. I edited the raw footage down into something comprehensible and I’ll give you highlights from it. Trust me, the girls all had a heck of a fun time as wizarding world pirates.

Oh, and no critter comments here today. They are all totally shagged out.

So, we left Hawaii in the morning, after a big breakfast that featured pineapple pancakes and the ever beloved bacon. Yes, despite being a robot, I can still taste things. Best taste modules credits can buy right here, folks.

We arrived in Southern California safely. Dad found a nice camping spot very near the beach and we took a walk for an hour or so. It was very pleasant.

Back on the bus, we all made Dad & Uncle Spike put on their tuxedos. They both protested that, since they’d be young and thin and probably taller, they didn’t need to wear tuxedos in their normal old farty forms. This was quickly vetoed by EVERYBODY, so they went and put them on.

I’m pretty sure that we all took about 500 pics of them all dressed up, since we’ll probably never see that again. There was much laughter and mocking. Miranda said they looked like two old fat bearded penguins. Flash said they stood out like a couple of whores in church. After about 15 minutes, they went back in and changed into their normal jeans & t-shirts.

About an hour later, other party goers arrived and all the guys went in one room and all the girls went in another, so as to get shot up with Rejuvenox. Not needing it, I played some World of Dogcraft while I waited.

An hour later, the ladies all emerged. By the standards of all their species, they were smoking hot young lasses. The party consisted of…

Mom, Auntie Avy, Auntie Ginie, Auntie Mary, Auntie Caroline, Auntie Rosie, Auntie Holly Hildreth, Cousin Molly (daughter of Rosie & Mike), Sasha, Daisy, Silky, Jazz, Roxy, Calli (Auntie Rosie’s boxer), Midnight (cat friend of Jazz) and Penny (pig friend of Daisy).

My sisters were totally rocking their 1 year old bodies, Silky kept saying, “I have firm boobs again!” Actually, most of the Aunties and Mom also said that. Many comments were made about legs, butts and tummies, too.

BTW, everyone who normally wears clothes was wearing a bikini.

Then the door opened on the guys and yes, they were smoking hot, too. The humans were mostly wearing tight jeans and no shirts. The human females seemed to approve of this. They male party consisted of…

Dad, Uncle Spike, Uncle Brian, Uncle Peter Hildreth, Uncle Mike (Rosie’s husband), Uncle Gabriel Gentile, Cousin Chris (son of Rosie & Mike), Flash, Leon, Cosmo (Calli’s brother boxer), Adolph (cat buddy of Flash), Buster (basset hound and Sasha’s friend with benefits), Dex (another cat buddy), Willie (our pig friend and boyfriend of Penny, Clancy (our Scottish terrier buddy), and me.

Yes, I know that I technically identify as female, but I don’t really have lady parts anymore and besides, I wanted to be an outlaw in the Steampunk Old West.

Some of you might be saying “But what about Miranda and Lauren?”. Well, Lauren is way to young for this pirating stuff and Miranda volunteered to babysit her, so we shot Miranda up with Rejuvenox, which made her physically 10 years old again, then we sent them both off on a Pokemon adventure. They had fun and ate lots of good food when they weren’t fighting Team Rocket.

As I said, all the guys looked great and Dad exited the room last, because like Auntie Rosie said, if his ego was any bigger, he could ride it.

He came out of the room not in jeans, but in a loincloth. He was tall and tanned and had a sort of swimmer/runner’s build and he had no facial hair and his hair was long & red. He looked kinda like Tarzan. Mom asked how much time we had before the parties and was disappointed when Sasha said 5 minutes. Dad said “Later, you young hottie.”

Before those of us with no hands went off to get dressed, Sasha set us all up with land octopi (well, in my case, a mechanical version) and bada bing bada boom, we had manipulative appendages! Then it was into our respective rooms to get dressed for the parties, then we were off on an adventure.

So here are excerpts from the bachelorette party, which started with the lassies on their ship, the “Red Queen” (which, by the way, was huge and mostly crewed by House Elves). They were in port in that wretched hive of scum & villainy, Honolulu, August 12, 1650. Hey, things were different in that world.

In short order, they drank some butterbeer (no alcohol), Captain Jasmine gave a rousing speech about raiding the British and Spanish merchant fleets and then they were underway.

Some highlights were…

During the first attack on a Spanish ship, Mom and Auntie Rosie swung over onto it from ropes on the yardarm, with Jazz & Roxie on their shoulders waving their wands and shooting out hexes right and left.

Auntie Avy and Auntie Ginie casting Patronus spells to hold off the Spanish attacks, while Sasha jumped from ship to ship while wielding a wand and a cutlass.

Calli and Penny tripping Spaniards so Daisy could hex them or, failing that, crack ’em on the head with a belaying pin.

Later, back in Honolulu Auntie Rosie started a barroom brawl because it “seemed like time for one”. Well, she is Daddy’s sister, after all.

During that fight, Auntie Mary did a backflip and kicked two scurvy dogs in the faces.

Auntie Avy cast Expelliarmus on the bar and sent beer mugs flying at a big old broad who was gonna sucker punch Auntie Holly.

Molly and Silky swinging from chandeliers to land in the middle if the fight.

Later, during another raid, Roxy & Daisy & Midnight swam over to an unsuspecting British Man O’ War and used spells to cut holes in the hull.

Once the Man O’ War was in trouble, the Red Queen dropped it’s cloaking spell and attacked the ship the Man O’ War was guarding.

Auntie Caroline and Auntie Ginie cast Infrigia spells that froze big chunks of ice to the merchant’s hull.

Captain Jazz swings on board, cutlass and wand in hand and the merchant captain faints.

Later, there were parties back in Honolulu involving butterbear and wizard rum and singing bawdy songs and yes, another barroom brawl.

The gals returned from the party (which lasted a subjective five days) all laughing and singing and sporting magical tattoos that faded away after a couple of hours. They all agreed it was big fun.

I’ll post the bachelor party highlights tomorrow.

Destination Sign when we started: Highway To Hell

Destination Sign when we stopped: Road To Nowhere

Music: Pirate Punk

Don’t Forget To Feed Grandpa!

…but please, no raw meat


Dog Con 7


Day 8: In which we meet even more real bears, Flash & Leon insult an otter, we visit a museum dedicated to booze, we see a Giant Salmon and it’s a females vs males game night.

10:45 am

Last night’s movies were alternate Earth comedies. We saw the Marx Brothers reunion movie, “Summer Camp”, which was from 1959. It had Groucho, Chico & Harpo working at an elite summer camp. The plot was tissue thin and involved commie spies. Very funny, but not up to classic Marx.

The next one was “Abbott & Costello Meet The Living Dead”. It was surprisingly funny, considering it was made in 1965 and both Bud & Lou were showing some age.

We are currently stopped at a place called “Alaska Bear Rehabilitation”, where orphaned cubs and injured adults are prepared for life back in the wild. As you have no doubt guessed, Flash and Leon will not be on this excursion.

(Flash: HELL no!)
(Leon: We’ll be on the X-Box playing “Grand Theft Auto 7”, which y’all won’t get for a decade or more.)

More bloggage after the bears.

2:30 pm

Well, the bear rehab place was really interesting. Those folks are doing great work. We got pictures taken with both cubs and their mascot, a humongous female grizzly named “Peaches”. Peaches can never go back into the wild, being blind in one eye and having a a gimpy hind leg. She is, as I said, very large, but also very sweet tempered and she loves people, dogs and cats. We took many pictures and also bought the ever popular t-shirts, bumper stickers, fridge magnets, etc.

A bit later, we pulled over next to a river for lunch. Lulu once again committed mosquito genocide and we ate sandwiches and chips. At one point, a couple of otters came up the riverbank and we gave them some fish from the pantry. Unfortunately, Flash and Leon were a bit rude to them, causing the male otter to kick their asses all over the riverbank.

(Sasha: He made them his bitches! Hahahaha!)

(Sadie: Serves them right for asking if he was part fish.)

(Daisy: Those boys will never learn.)

(Flash: Hey! We had him on the ropes!)

(Leon: We could have taken him!)

(Lulu: Really? Was that before or after he tossed you both into the river, then threw you back out into that thorn bush?)

11:45 pm

The rest of our day included…

The Alaska Museum of Strong Drink, which has a truly amazing selection of booze bottles from the early days of Alaska. In a place where winters are long and cold, the amusement options were limited and women were in short supply, strong liquor was a basic necessity.

(Silky: Apparently, early Alaska was one big AA meeting waiting to happen.)

The Giant Salmon at the FreshCo Salmon Company. How giant is it? Try 150 feet long and about 20 feet long and high. You can walk inside it, where you will find a cafe, bar and gift shop, all of which we indulged in.

(Jazz: Oh my goodness. All those fresh salmon scraps!)

(Roxy: I need a nap.)

(Daisy: Oh my, a cat needing a nap. Alert the media!)

Just before dinner, the critters all got to try on the land octopi that Sasha bred for the bachelor & bachelorette parties and weddings. To say they were a hit would be an understatement of a cosmic level.

(Flash: Coolest. Thing. EVER! I can actually hold a gun now!)

(Leon: And swords!)

(Jazz: I can brush my own hair now!)

(Daisy: OMG! So freaking cool!)

Our game night was Females versus Males, with myself, Spike, Brian, Flash & Leon going up against Grace, Mary, Caroline, Sasha & Roxy in an X-Box 5 game called “Puzzle Dungeon Of Death”. Said dungeon was filled with puzzles, traps, monsters and treasure. After three hours of playing, the ladies won.

(Sasha: Meaning we handed them their asses, beating them by 30,000 points.)

Bedtime soon, after a bowl of cereal. More of the blogging tomorrow.

Destination Sign when we started: Avengers Mansion

Destination Sign when we stopped: Al Qadim

Music: The Filksong Channel