Kingfisher On The Power Line

…memories from my youth.

The Doclopedia #1,201

Critter Avengers Choice: Silky: The Hairy Pupper Series

Let me start this out by saying that the Hairy Pupper series was written by a dog on DogEarth 1, so it will not be easy reading for other species. For one thing, detailed descriptions of sounds, smells and body language are everywhere and most will leave humans scratching their heads. Another problem is the mix of Doggish (with a British Terrier accent) and British Human English. It gives even many of us Non-Brit dogs pause.

Anyway, the series is otherwise very much like our HP series, except Hairy Pupper has no problem using spells more powerful than “Expelliarmus” in a duel. In fact, in the final battle with Voldebark, he slices off the evil bastard’s tail with a Sectumsempra curse, then blasted the Elder Wand out of his hand. Of course, Voldebark got it back and tried to Avada Kedavra Harry, but killed himself instead. Then Hairy poops on the spot where the Dark Lord died.

There is also some sex in the Hairy Pupper series, because dogs are not all squishy about it like humans are. The scenes between Hairy & Ginny are pretty hot.

I am a big fan of this series and the Harry Potter series and give both of them a waggy tail up.

The Doclopedia #1,202

Critter Avengers Choice: Flash: Perky Pussy Cat Food (Canned)

I’m not normally a fan of canned cat food. I prefer mine fresh made, such as my Mom’s excellent Tuna Gravy Over Couscous or Dad’s Shredded Chicken And Beans. Sometimes, though, a cat just has to eat what’s on hand. In those cases, it’s pretty hard to go wrong with Perky Pussy canned cat food. They use a couple of types of fish in it, it’s reasonably chunky and it’s extra stinky. Go for the Catfish & Mackerel or the Salmon & Perch.

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Handsome Joe Goes To The Petting Zoo

…and meets some goats

 

Sasha Explains It All

My Family: An Adventure In High Strangeness

I know what you’re thinking, folks. Everybody has a strange family, right? You’ve got that crazy aunt or that strange brother or the funny uncle or whomever. Every family has at least one strange member and many families have several.

Well, I’ve got you beat. Right off the bat, what you’re reading right now was written by a not quite 6 year old dog using the tentacles of the symbiotic air breathing octopus that she created in her ultra advanced genetics laboratory. You’re grandmother who drives in off road races can’t touch that.

At first, I was going to do this piece rating my family from least strange to most, but I’ll be damned if I can choose who is strangest. I do know that my human mom is the least strange, but after that, it pretty much comes down to fractions. Instead, I decided to go from youngest to oldest, so here you go.

Daisy, Age 3, Basset Hound: Daisy has been my sister for just over a year and is sweet, goofy (a term that applies to all of the Cross family) and as big a nerd as you’ll ever meet. No, really. I’ve seen her argue for hours about the best Star Trek series, the best Doctor or why a certain set of roleplaying rules sucks. She is into cosplay, filksinging and pretty much anything to do with fantasy or science fiction. On top of all that, she is also a brown collar in Drunken Fox style Dog Fu. I have seen her kick the ass of a brutish 120 pound mixed breed male, folks. She’s not cocky about her martial abilities and mostly comes off as a loveable & mildly hyperactive geek.

Her best pals and gaming/geek partners include humans, cats, dogs, pigs, rabbits and a skunk. (Janet, the same skunk that Flash had a drunken interlude with) They get together to play AD&D, watch Doctor Who or Star Trek or anime and do the Mystery Science Theater thing with bad old movies.

Daisy also enjoys painting (surrealist style), helping Dad cook and chasing squirrels.


Jazz, Age 4, Dwarf Longhair Portuguese Jungle Cat: There is mounting evidence that Jazz might be either a reincarnation of Janis Joplin or quantum psi linked to an existing Janis in some other reality. We’ll know more when my friend Stephen (whom I met via my friends Tony & Bruce) examines her.

Anyway, Jazz is the wife of my brother, Flash, and she is a top notch blues/R&B singer. She can really belt ’em out, but is also great at the slower tempo songs. Jazz also writes songs and, using an Ottopus (our name for the symbiont octopi) is learning to play guitar. She also likes boardgames (she’ll kill you at Settlers of Catan) and LARPs.

Jazz has only been married to Flash about a month, but we’ve all known her most of a year and she has known Flash for two years. Her early days are almost as much a mystery as Silky’s are. We do know she was born into a small family in Texas, but spent a couple of years “on the road”. At one point, she lived on Willie Nelson’s bus, but left because she got tired of being high all the time.

Jazz is a big fan of fish, both raw and cooked. She is also pretty fond of bacon, but then, who isn’t? She does not like Mexican food much.

Jazz also enjoys reading mystery novels, trying to convince Flash to start a family and chasing squirrels.

Flash, Age 5, Dwarf Shorthair Portuguese Jungle Cat: My brother, Flash Alexander Cross, was adopted into the family at 5 months old. He was born into a very large family (litter of 10!) but left home at 10 weeks old. Mostly, he just hung around with lounge singers, comedians & showgirls in Las Vegas until joining Mom, Dad, Lucy & Winker just before the trip to DogCon 3. He and Lucy became especially close, mostly because they were both prone to violence, property damage and other bad behaviors. However, contrary to some rumors, neither Flash, nor Lulu is a psychopath. They are just rowdy amoral goofballs with a profound lack of trust or respect for authority figures. See also: Daddy.

Flash is a HUGE fan of Frank Sinatra, but really enjoys many styles of music (he’s also a big fan of Warren Zevon, Pink and Bob Marley). He’s a pretty good singer, too. He also loves action and superhero movies. Despite only weighing 8 pounds, Flash is a 100% alpha male. He is known to have fathered at least 4 litters, back in his younger days.

Flash pretends to not like geeky things, but he really does. He’s a big Star Wars fan and his Wars vs Trek arguments with Daisy are legendary. He also loves LARPing at DogCon and playing video games.

Earlier this year, Joe and I built Flash a suit of Tony Stark style power armor so that he and Lulu could go to an alternate reality and kick ass on Nazis. When he wears it, he calls himself “Iron Cat”. Mom has still not completely forgiven me for making that suit. Fortunately, Mom & Dad make us keep the armor under Level 5 security most of the time.

When Lucy died in 2013, Flash just fell apart and started using catnip pretty heavily. When we revealed Lulu to him, he cried and cried and didn’t leave her side for days. Despite the way he talks all macho, like Daddy, he is a big old marshmallow inside.

Flash enjoys record collecting, fishing, trying not to become a father (which he will ultimately fail at because he likes sex) and chasing squirrels.

Me, Age 5.75, Basset Hound: I was born into a family of 5 puppies, a mom and a dad back on Jan. 2, 2009. I was adopted by a nice older man when I was 11 weeks old, but by the time I was 1.5 years old, he could no longer care for me properly and gave me to his daughter and son in law. They mostly kept me in their back yard or garage with two bigger dogs who were, to say the least, thick headed idiots. When Mom & Dad came to adopt me after the young couple had a baby and could no longer really care for any dogs, I was nervous, but glad to be gone. Little did I know that exposure to our bus (AKA The Magic Bus), would change me forever. But that’s for another rant.

My first love is working on machines and I am a pretty skilled mechanic, both on the ordinary and ultra tech levels. I have a pretty good knowledge of transtemporal/spatial theory and quantum foam vibration effect (the thing that keeps the realities apart). I’m also about at the PhD level for ordinary physics, chemistry and engineering. Gotta love being mentally connected to an Ottopus and a T-Control Computer.

About a year ago I undertook and passed a course on Mad Genetics from the Narbon Institute. It was loads of fun, gerbilsnake/gerbilspider/gerbilwolverine escapes notwithstanding. I later took the advanced course, which allowed me to create both my Ottopus symbiont, Otto, and my pet giant garden spider, Joyce. Genetics will always be fun, but will always take a backseat to mechanics for me. Nothing like getting grease on your tentacles.


I’m a pretty big geek, with a decided leaning towards RPGs, anything steampunk and superhero/kaiju/science fiction movies. I can play the piano well and my idols are Elton John and Fats Waller. My favorite food is an In N Out cheeseburger with bacon added. I’m also a really big fan of sex, which is why my FWB Buster and I hang out together. (Note to humans: No, ordinary spayed female dogs do not have a sex drive, but I’m not ordinary, am I?)

Although it is a subject of a future rant, I do feel obliged to say that, like Daddy, I am Mad. Not insane, really, but Mad. You might even say I’m barking Mad. Heeheehee.

Other things I enjoy include reading parts catalogs and quantum mechanical journals, rebuilding my 1959 Cadillac and chasing squirrels.

Silky, Age 8, Basset Hound: Silky has only been with us since Father’s Day of this year (2014), but she has fit into the family very well. Much like Mom, she lends an air (a thin air) of normality to things. It’s actually kind of amazing how quickly she got used to all our strangeness.

On the other paw, normal is relative and Silky has more than her share of strangeness. First off, she seems to channel the memories of somebody, canine or human, who lived through the 1960’s. Not all the time, but in flashes that last about a minute. This could explain why she is such a big fan of the Grateful Dead and other Bay Area groups. She and Jazz have some pretty interesting conversations.

Secondly, Silky does not speak about her first three years of life. If you ask, she just says “I was out and about and had some adventures.” Daisy thinks she was hanging with bikers and Flash thinks she was a spy. Whatever the case, those years might explain why she can speak fluent French, Owl, Hedgehog, German, Bear & Spanish AND how she knows so much about computers, security systems and baking.

Shortly after her third birthday, Silky was “sold into bondage” to an older Hispanic lady and her family and was used as a breeding bitch by the old ladies son & daughter in law. They bred her once a year for the next four years, then moved away. About a year later, the old lady gave her up for adoption and she came to live with us. She was VERY happy about that.

Silky likes boardgames and is getting into card games and RPGs. She really likes old school computer games and plays the hell out of Tetris. When it comes to food, she likes most types, but doesn’t eat broccoli or carrots. Her favorite television shows are CSI, Grimm and Downton Abbey. Musicwise, she likes soft rock and old country music.

Other things Silky enjoys include reading spy novels, writing her memoirs and chasing squirrels.

Lulu, Age 11.5, Robot Dog: Lulu was born Lucy and we know next to nothing about her early years except that some foul human woman kept her in a crate most of the day because the woman’s little dogs did not get along with her. That set the tone for the next 5.5 years of Lucy’s life until a couple rescued her. A few months later, Mom & Dad adopted her.

Lucy had many mental problems due to her terrible upbringing. She took years to get even partially better. Then, in early spring of 2013, she was diagnosed with terminal lymphoma. She died peacefully at the vet’s office on August 14th of that year.

Well, her body died. Her katra (a Vulcan word for intellect/life force/soul) had been transferred into a silicon brain by me a few days earlier. To make room for the best parts of her, I wiped most of her memories before she came to live here. I put in a vague memory of being a puppy, but everything after that and before Mom & Dad is a blank. We also gave her the new name of Lulu

Lulu’s original body was a cyborg deal that I kind of cobbled together quickly to get her new brain into. Later, she got a snazzy new body with an adamantium skeleton and a vibranium outer shell. She is damned near indestructible by anything here on Earth. She is powered by a mini sized Mr. Fusion, which is why she sometimes eats organic matter. She also sometimes eats inorganic matter that her nanotech innards use to repair her. If she needs to, Lulu can mount up to three weapon pods on her sides & back.

Lulu loves kaiju movies, robot movies, westerns and Marx Brothers comedies. In stark contrast to her appetite for destruction, Lulu likes to paint landscapes to relax. Her favorite food is carne asada tacos with a sprinkling of copper and titanium.

One little note here: That evil woman who mistreated Lucy? I used the bus to go back to the day after Lucy left her and gave her several crippling mental disabilities, chief among them agoraphobia, to keep her a prisoner in her own house. She also has a severe phobia of dogs. She will have these for the next 20 years or so. Fuck with my sister, fuck with me, bitch!

Other things Lulu enjoys are playing computer games, having cybersex with military grade autonomous robots and chasing squirrels and/or velociraptors.

Mom, Age 56, Human: Despite being mother to all of us and having been married to Dad for almost 18 years, my mom is a beacon of sanity & reason in our family. Well, most of the time. Sometimes even Mom has her moments.

There is less to say about Mom’s strangeness than there is to say about her acceptance of strangeness in others. Which, if you think about it, is pretty strange in itself. And kind of recursive.

Mom is the eldest of 4 children born into a Catholic family. Fortunately, she got better. She is also a veteran of the United States Army.


Anyway, Mom takes most of our shit in stride, but when she slams down the law, we all are quick to step & fetch & straighten up. She has “The Mom Look” down to a fine degree. She has been known to stop Dad, Flash & Lulu dead in their tracks.

Mom very much enjoys going to school and learning things. She usually has a 4.0 average, which boggles Daddy, whose philosophy in school was “if it ain’t an F, it’s ok by me”. When she retires, Mom plans on taking classes for the rest of her life.

Activities Mom enjoys are reading, doing stuff on computers and taking naps. So far as I know, she has never chased a squirrel.

Dad, Age 60, Human: My three favorite things about Daddy are that he loves animals, is very funny and, like me, he’s mad as a March Hare. Really, if you don’t think Daddy has paid in full the toll that madness takes, go read the Doclopedia. Actually, I’ve found that a great many creative types are Mad.

My least favorite thing about Daddy is that explaining anything more technological to him than a hammer is pointless. What really makes it frustrating is that he uses ultra-tech with no problem. I’ve seen him pick up a Thovian Cellular Knitter and use it to heal a cut as though he were taught to do it from birth. But if I try to tell him how it works, his eyes glaze over and he starts thinking about beer or something. He does that when Mom tries to explain computer stuff, too. Sometimes you want to just hit him on the head.

Daddy is the eldest of three children and was raised way out in the country on a farm. Actually, Grandma used to say he and his sibs were less “raised” than they were “prevented from getting killed”. She also said that Daddy resisted becoming fully civilized until he was in his 30’s. Most of us think the jury is still out on his civilized status.

Mom says she and Daddy met on a computer BBS back around 1994. Daddy says they met when she pulled a thorn out of his paw. Whatever the case, they got married in 1996 and are coming up on 18 years of wedded bliss, even though there are days when I expect Mom to use the bus to go back and marry a nice sane guy.

Daddy is a dedicated roleplaying gamer and an avid boardgamer. He’s also a first class cook, has a good singing voice and is, so I’m told, that rare human male that will willingly clean a toilet at home.

Daddy has many hobbies and interests, including Sherlock Holmes, collecting books, writing, traveling, collecting little plastic figures of all kinds, gardening, basset hounds, wildlife, being deliberately goofy and eating insanely hot & spicy foods. Rumor has it that he has chased more than his share of squirrels.

So there is my family. Strange as all hell, but I love them.

By the way, you all may have noticed that I left out my two goat sisters. This was by their own request, since they are up for parts in a movie and didn’t want me to blow the deal. Love you, Abby & Bea!

Until my next rant,

Sasha Jane Cross

I Was There When The Hogs Ran Wild

…of course, I was an innocent bystsander

 

Dog Con 7

 

Day 18: In which we deliver our friends home and then possibly initiate the end of civilization (not our world, but…) before getting back to Casa Cross.

2:30 pm

We all woke up for breakfast when the bus was still 2 hours out of Toronto. After a leisurely meal and some talking, we dropped Brian, Caroline, Lauren & Sadie off, then headed to New Hampshire to take Avis, Ginie, Leon & Roxy home. Avis still had about 12 hours before she would pop out of existence in our world, so she said she was going to clean house before then.

Note: Dr. Arcadia flew home from Critter City.

After bidding them goodbye, we headed to Baltimore to drop off the Jones gang. Along the way, one of our spatial jumps went a bit awry and we had to spend 3 hours on an Earth where the Religious Right took over the entire planet in 1994. It was a hellish place, so we remained hidden in a forest. It wasn’t until we got back to Spike & Mary’s house on our Earth that Sasha and I remembered that we might have left Lulu & Flash (with his Iron Cat armor) on that world. We swore that we’d get them back here ASAP, which Sasha thinks could take a week or so. Everybody was pretty cool with that.

(Sasha: Yeah, send Falwell’s Army off to fight Lulu the Destroyer and Iron Cat, you right wing nutcase motherfuckers. HAHAHAHA!)

We spent a bit of time with the Joneses, then ported back home to a big pile of mail and home sweet home. Within 15 minutes of arriving, the Magic Bus was in the DocCave for another year and everyone but me was heading to Nap City.

We had a great time again this year and will soon be looking forward to next year’s con.

Doc out.

Destination Sign when we started: The Island Of Lost Souls


Destination Sign when we stopped: Home

Music: Cartoon Classics

DogCon 7 is over,
but we will all be back next year for…

CatCon 8

(even if Doc goes to GenCon)

The Wedding Of Imaginary Cats

…no, really!

 

Silky Dawn Is In Da House!

Doc, Grace, Sasha & Daisy Cross are proud to welcome Miss Silky Dawn Cross to our family. She is 8 years old, very sweet tempered and has longish silky hair. She is doing very well fitting in.

Flash Alexander Cross & Jasmine Belle Malone

invite you to attend their wedding

to be held August 12, 2014, 3:00 pm.

Aboard the Magic Bus in Critter City, Texas

Reception and Bigass Blowout Party to follow

in the Sands Hotel, Las Vegas, Nevada, April, 1962

Formal, species specific dress requested

A free bar (synthehol only) and humongous buffet will be provided

Free lodging available for one and all

Entertainment provided by a diverse assemblage of famous entertainers

Free universal translators provided to all attendees

Free spatiotemporal transport provided to those who need it

Temporal folding will be in effect so that nobody loses time

RSVP to Critter Avengers on Facebook or @CritterAvengers on Twitter

“A splendid time is guaranteed for all”

(We can’t say if Harry the Horse will dance a waltz, but you can ask)

The Rare And Beautiful Whistling Potto Of Potawango Island

…they can imitate many birds

 

The Doclopedia #1,142

Bad Dogs: Lulu Louise Cross


Until the Summer of 2013, Lulu was a normal basset hound/coon hound mix living in Sacramento, California. Then she died from lymphoma, he basset hound sister transferred her intellect into an artificial brain and in the Fall of 2013, Lulu awoke with a partly organic, partly mechanical body.

Now a cyborg, Lulu found that she was much stronger and faster than normal. Within a couple of months, her body was upgraded to full robotic when her meat parts began to fail. This made her even stronger and faster and gave her some advanced weaponry & sensors. Whoever thought that was a good idea?

Later still, Lulu’s body was improved even more, along with her getting an adamantium skeletal structure and vibranium “skin”. She is now nearly indestructible. Her top speed, on Earth, is 175 miles per hour. She weighs 150 pounds, but is only about the size and build of a Dalmatian. She can function perfectly well under water at great depths and in the vacuum of space.

Lulu is known for flaunting the law, upsetting the status quo and causing great amounts of property damage, all in the name of fun, or on rare occasions, justice. She is often accompanied by her brother, Flash Alexander Cross, a small cat who is every bit the hell raiser Lulu is. Neither of them has ever shown the slightest trace of guilt about their exploits. They are both often found locked down at home (Lucy by a restraining bold, Flash by steel bars on his apartment) by their human parents.

Lulu and Flash are wanted for questioning by hundreds of law enforcement agencies worldwide and a few agencies from offworld.

Chapter 12: In Which Our Hero, Having Been Swallowed By a Whale, Learns To Enjoy The Taste Of Krill

…until he was coughed up onto a beach in the Azores

The Road To DogCon 3: Say Hello To Flash

As I announced many weeks ago, Grace & I decided to get an imaginary cat and that he would go with us & The Girls to DogCon this year. For a long time, we did not have a name for the little fellow, but that has changed. His name is Flash. Actually, his full name is Flash Alexander Cross.

Flash is a 4 month old Dwarf Shorthair Portuguese Jungle Cat. Yes yes, I know their are no jungles in Portugal. But even if there were IMAGINARY jungles, it still wouldn’t matter, since the DSPJC is a fully domesticated and civilized feline. Flash is colored just like a tiger…orange & black…but otherwise looks like an ordinary cat. Of course, he is quite small (hey, yo…DWARF?) and weighs a mere 7 pounds. He has vividly green eyes.

His personality is not unlike Winker’s: Bursts of rowdiness lasting up to 20 minutes, then several hours of mellowing out up to and including sleeping like he’s in a coma.

He gets along famously with both Lucy and Winker and they wrassle a few times a day.

His favorite food is scrambled eggs with tuna, but he also enjoys canned cat food and boiled chicken with rice. His favorite place to sleep is on top of Lucy, who outweighs him by 44 pounds. His favorite toy is an old sock filled with catnip.

As one might expect for an imaginary cat, he is totally hypoallergenic and has excellent litter box ettiquite. He is a great kitty and a proud member of our family.