The Midnight Creeper & The Midnight Rider Meet The Midnight Rambler on the Midnight Special

…do I need to tell you what time it was>

 

The Doclopedia #559

Calling All Frogs: The Terrible Treefrog

When you think about it, it’s kind of funny that a 4′ 10” wiry framed little super villain called The Terrible Treefrog would be one of the most successful villains of all. Many villains were larger and more powerful. A goodly number were smarter and had fancy bases and plenty of mad inventions. Almost all were more dangerous.

And perhaps that’s exactly why The Terrible Treefrog was the one to get away with so much: No great world conquering plans, no look or attitude that attracted too much attention and no desire to try and kick some superheroes ass. All The Terrible Treefrog wanted was a big pile of money.

The true identity of this amazing little criminal was Amanda Mercado, a high school senior from a small town 75 miles from Miami, Florida. About the time she hit puberty, Amanda found that she could leap over 50 feet from a standing start, cling to walls, see very well in the dark, dive deep into water and stay under for up to 20 minutes and, lastly, emit a high pitched croak that could shatter glass and stun living creatures.

At first, the young lady could only think of herself as a freak, but after awhile it dawned on her that she might be able to use these powers to make some money. Not in any way that would make it known that she was a freak, of course, so maybe…something illegal? Always a skilled seamstress, she made up a green and brown costume with just enough padding to hide her boobs and then drove her old beater of a hand me down car into Miami.

Once in the city, she suited up and went looking for a place or person to rob. It was late at night and she was well hidden when she saw the jewelry store. Figuring that diamonds probably were a girl’s best friend, she gathered up her courage and croaked. The windows in that store and a half dozen others shattered. Oops! In seconds, she was in the store scooping jewelry into a small bag. Just as she was leaving, the cops arrived. They tried to get her to stop, but she just jumped away too fast to get shot. 

Within about a week, Amanda learned that expensive jewelry is really difficult to turn into money if you’re a teenage girl with no criminal past. So, about three weeks after her first appearance (after which a newspaper reporter had given her the nickname “Treefrog”), she went back into Miami just before it was time for the banks to close. Having practiced her croaking, jumping and acrobatics, she was in the bank and had almost everybody inside it stunned within a few seconds. It took her less than two minutes to gather up a hundred thousand dollars in cash. Once again, as she was leaving, she encountered the police. Once again, she got away unharmed, but not before she croaked out “Beware The Terrible Treefrog!” in a gravelly voice that everybody heard for a hundred yards around.

During the next couple of years, Amanda robbed banks, armored cars and a couple of casinos. She encountered only a couple of superheroes. One of them was an older fellow named “The Racer”, who could run very fast, but had lost much of his stamina to old age. Three times she outmaneuvered him, until he finally tripped and broke his leg. Another hero was much younger, totally hunky, very strong and, Amanda soon found out, not all that bright. Each time they met, she outsmarted him, including one meeting where she tricked him into a bank vault, then shut and locked the door.

When she had about a five million dollar bankroll, Amanda gave up her life of crime and went to college, where she majored in criminal science and got a PhD. She now works for the FBI out of Los Angeles and lives very comfortably off of her “lucky investments”.

Recently though, criminals in the City of Angels have been getting their asses handed to them by a new superhero who calls herself “Jumping Spider”.

The Doclopedia #560

Calling All Frogs: The Great Frog Panic Of 1962

It was late July of 1962 and Jimmy Joe Barks and his cousin, Mervy Runch had a secret: over the past couple of months, they had caught and collected over 300 frogs of all sized! They had little spring peepers, leopard frogs and big old bullfrogs. They kept them on jars and a couple of old bathtubs covered with screen and even in that leaky 50 gallon aquarium old man Hunkle had thrown away. They fed them bugs and flies and the frogs did really well.

Now, you might be asking, just why did these two eleven year olds gather up so many frogs? Money? A love of nature? Frog leg dinner? Heck no! They gathered them up to turn loose at the Founder’s Day Dance & Party!

So, on the final Saturday night of July, around about 7:15, just as the spaghetti dinner was winding down and Joey and the Boppers were tuning up for the dance, the boys struck. After lugging all of those frogs to the back door of the Community Center, they turned them loose. Happy to be freed from the sacks and jars that has imprisoned them, the amphibians swarmed into the party.

The first persons to see them were Jimmy Joe’s Aunt Delia and her friend, Mrs. Cable. Now, both of these ladies had a big fear of anything creepy crawly, so when they saw the frogs while carrying a couple of bowls of leftover spaghetti back to the kitchen, they screamed like Satan was standing there and threw spaghetti all over the place.

Racing to see what the screaming was about, Butch Groves slipped on a meatball and slid right into a group of local farmers. Now, Butch weighs in at about 340 pounds on a 6’4” frame, so he bowled them right over.

While they were getting untangled, a huge bullfrog hopped right into the middle of a bunch of teenaged girls, sending them running and screaming in all directions. At the other end of the hall, several older folks thought the screaming was “some rock & roll thing”, so they started yelling for the girls to shut up.

When about four leopard frogs jumped into the punch bowl, Hazel Owens freaked out and spilled a plate of mostly spaghetti sauce on her bosom. Staggering away, so as not to slip on spilled punch, she looked as though she’s been stabbed, which caused her mother (a very rotund woman) to faint dead away. Unfortunately, she fell on Reverend Mokely and some folks took that to mean she’d been shot.

By now, about half of the 300 people in the Community Center were panicking and the rest were just encountering the frogs. Old Man Tadwell started yelling, which caused his three big old coonhounds to come running in from outside, which only made the whole situation worse.

After just a few minutes, the Sheriff came in and almost immediately got knocked on his can by the Frolich brothers as they were running out the door. Over on the bandstand, one of the coonhounds knocked the bass player into the drums, while another bumped into an amplifier, turning the volume all the way up and causing a hell of a feedback loop.

Eventually, everybody was running and screaming and yelling and it took all three deputies, six firemen and the Sheriff to finally calm things down. The dance was, of course, canceled and the doctors over at the clinic gave out about a years worth of sedatives. There were three broken noses, four twisted ankles, three sprained backs and dozens of assorted lesser injuries. Some folks developed a fear of frogs that lasted for years.

The next day, Jimmy Joe and Mervy agreed that their prank had been a big success. A couple of days after that, they began trying to figure out how they could safely catch a few skunks to turn loose over at the high school’s Christmas Ball come December.

Return Of The Sweet Smelling Bitches

…they be woofin’, I be lovin’

 

The Doclopedia #556

 Calling All Frogs: Braised Giant Frog With Jeevoo Sauce

 Naturally, you want a fully mature male Yellow Legged Giant Frog of the Quoo Lake region. The females are, of course, unclean and the Red Legged Giant Frog is fit food only slaves and the Unenlightened. Assuming it will weigh about 400 pounds, you’ll need a blessed Pwelook braising pot and four yikki stones to place beneath the frog. Make sure the yikki stones have been twice blessed by a priest of Nerlok.

Now, gently kill the frog with a jegknife to the brain, then have your slaves place it in the pot. Say the Prayer of Tenderizing while turning in a full circle three times. Then you, not a slave, must pour 7 gallons of water from your skwell cistern. Never use water from a well or a tap or you will be torn apart by the demonic qurfbeasts of Mighty Caporvis.

Once the water has been added, season it with three pounds of finely chopped huustok, a pound of weej, half a pound each of triff, booloo berries and zet. If you are especially in need of spiritual cleansing, you may also add a quarter pound of samasodo melon.

You may now have your slaves place the lid on the Pwelook pot while you invoke the Watchful Eye of the Great Molurex. Having done this, you should set your oven to a moderate temperature and have your slaves place the pot into it.

Now go to your five cornered prayer room and repeat the Lengthy Pray to Gotloth five times, facing each corner in turn. After this, remove your clothing and order your slaves to coat you in Yurb fat, then cleanse you fully inside and out.

Wait for 5 more hours, then have your slaves remove the pot from the oven. Immediately offer up a plate full of smoked viskfish to your Kitchen God, then have your slaves remove the pot lid. Say the Quick Prayer of the Dilve Hunter, then add a one pond mix of ifulo root and deshki apples that have been marinated in jeevoo extract to the pot. Wait another 20 minutes. During this time, you must be doing the Dance of Strong Appetite and chewing a half ounce piece of sarf skin.

You may now have your slaves carry the pot to the table and you may serve your guests. If any of them fail to make the Sign of Jerb with their left hand, order your slaves to beat them senseless.

After the meal, you and your guests should drink woolifi tea and say the Third Prayer of Sinful Regret. 

The Doclopedia #557

Calling All Frogs: Frog Cops

Frog Cops was an animated television series for children that came out in 1980 and ran until 1984. There was nothing in the slightest about it to distinguish it from any of the other Saturday morning cartoons except for the fact that the “Singing Burglar”, a recurring character, featured the voice of Artis Milinakis, the young Greek immigrant who would go on to become the best selling solo singer of the 1990’s. Once he hit it big, the entire series was released on DVD with several outtakes of his singing reworked into the “Singing Burglar” stories.

The Doclopedia #558

Calling All Frogs: Were-frogs

Oh, so you laugh at the idea of a were-frog, eh? Well you won’t be laughing when, in full frog form, it up and swallows your little dwarf there, or when it goes to manfrog form and hits you with it’s claws, then jumps away before you can hit it. Magic? Were-frogs are more magic resistant than even a were-bear, buddy!

No sir, if you really want to hurt a were-frog, you’ve gotta hit ’em with fire, and lots of it! Arrows, fired from about medium range are a damned good idea, too. For close in, go with a hammer or mace or club, because edged weapons have a hard time cuttin’ through their hide.

Where do they live? Well, always near water and you can tell sometimes who they are in human form because they’ll bath a lot. Like, 2-3 times a day! Farther north you go, fewer were-frogs you’ll find, but down around the Steaming Coast they’ll be thicker than fleas on a dog’s back.

Now if you’ll buy me another mug of wine, I’ll tell you why you never want to poke a troll with a sharp stick.”

The Rare And Beautiful Blue Stinking Poppies Of Potawango Island

…breathtakingly beautiful, but WHEW!

 

The Doclopedia #555

Calling All Frogs: Sewer Frogs

In one of the many steampunk universes, a group of young genius criminals/heroes operate out of the Old Sewers of 1902 Paris. The Old Sewers were abandoned when the new, steam pump driven sewer system went into use. There are miles of Old Sewer tunnels now that are mostly used for storm drainage. Mostly, but not all.

The Sewer Frogs, whose name is meant to infuriate both the French and British establishments (although for different reasons), have established laboratories, living quarters and other areas in the Old Sewers as well as basements and abandoned buildings. They also have an installation in London that is similarly set up.

From time to time, the Sewer Frogs emerge into the light of day (or dark of night) with some sort of Infernal Device and a plan to stir things up with the government and the bourgeoisie. In recent months, this has included coating the financial district in a near impenetrable gel that dissolved after 5 days and releasing “flying robotic farting birds” into the skies above London. The Sewer Frogs also steal from the rich and give to the poor. That and the fact that they provide medical attention and plenty of humor via their tweaking of the government nose means that not too many ordinary folks seem to know anything when the police come around with questions

The Sewer Frogs all dress exactly alike when out in public: Green pants and shirt, black shoes and gloves and a green head covering mask with a black frog design on the forehead.

Madness Takes It’s Tollhouse Cookie

… Mmmm, madness cookies!

The Doclopedia #553

Calling All Frogs: Chameleon Frogs

These small (4 inch long) frogs are native to the forests of Simdolis, which are located in the far west of the Greenwood. They are very common to this area, but due to their magical chameleonic powers, seldom seen.

Chameleon Frogs cam not only mimic the colors and pattern of whatever they are on, but the texture as well. Many a traveler has put their hand on a tree, only to pull it away in shock because the rough bark was cool, damp and moving. Chameleon Frogs have even been known to mimic other creatures, particularly the deadly poisonous Land Urchin.

One of the few predators that can catch and eat Chameleon Frogs is the Big Nosed Shrew, which can smell the frogs and does not need to see them.

 Commercially, Chameleon Frogs have little value, even to potion makers.

The Doclopedia #554

Calling All Frogs: Flora & Fanny Frog

Flora & Fanny Frog are not only international cartoon stars, they are pillars of the community in Toonville. They are very active in charity work, civic improvement (always needed in a toon city) and toon rights. They are much beloved by their fellow toons, who hardly ever drop pianos on them.

Florinda and Fantasia Frogowitz were born May 12, 1922 in New York City, to a showbiz family. Their father and his brothers were a popular vaudeville act, the “Four Frogs” and their mother’s family were noted amphibian actors. When the girls hit the age of 10, they packed their bags and headed out to Hollywood, where they signed on with the Flusher Brothers Studio.

Over the course of their 50 year career, Flora & Fanny starred in 130 cartoons and guest starred in 40 more. They made three feature length films, winning Best Animated Actresses in 1951 for “London Frog”. They also made nearly 200 television appearances.

In 1978, they got a star on the Toonville Walk of Fame.