Billy The Slow Loris Goes To The Beach

…slowly, of course

 

CritterCon 11

Trip Day Eleven (By Misty)

Hello, everybody! Misty here with your trip report for today.

We started the day with an early breakfast at a campground about 50 miles north of Critter City. As always, it was scrummy and we left the table with full bellies.

(Silky: It was a Waddlefest!)


Our first stop was about two hours away, so we all just chilled out with some light filler games. I was unsuccessful in killing Doctor Lucky, but was top of the bean pile at Bohnanza.

(Daisy: I could never get a clear shot at the old bastard.)

(Janet: Some of us played Dino Hunt, which was pretty fun.)


It surprised none of us that The Doctor chose a Giant Jesus as our first stop. What did surprise us was that there were TWO Giant Jesus statues facing each other across the Texas/Oklahoma state line.

(Sasha: It may be time to stage an intervention with Daddy.)

(Luke: Several years too late for that.)


It seems that in 1960, the small towns of Rigley, Oklahoma and Barsonville, Texas, had some sort of row going about who got more business from travelers on the Texas state highway that runs between them. Being firmly in the Bible Belt (or what passes for it here on Earth 1-G), each town decided to build a statue of Jesus. You’ve probably figured out what happened next. Years of design changes and finally, two Giant Jesus statues facing each other across the highway. The one on the Texas side is taller at 110 feet tall, but the one on the Oklahoma side (100 feet tall) is much more detailed and better looking.

(Roxie: They are quite impressive, as these things go.)

(Sasha: Still not as impressive as those humongous toilet paper rolls used to be.)


For a “donation” of $2.00 per statue, you can go up to the observation areas in their heads. The views are pretty good and the tour guides are friendly young local folks who tell you how great their side’s statue is while stopping short of declaring the other statue rubbish. Several of our group never even took the tour, but The Doctor and Auntie Mary always do.

(Leon: They are not right in the head, those two.)

(Sadie: Few Humans are.)

To get to our next and final roadside attraction, The Doctor once again shrank us down to shoebox size and kicked in the booster drives. We cruised along major motorways at up to 200 miles per hour and got to our final destination just as we finished watching the 1959 version of King Kong which has all the stop motion done by Ray Harryhausen. It’s a really great remake.

(Goldie: With added dinosaurs and the spider canyon scene!)

(Max: And a good long scene of Kong being towed back to New York.)

Hanson, Kansas, was our stop for The World Famous Scarecrow Town. While this place was lower on the Creep-O-Meter than Skeleton Town, it is still bloody unnerving. After half an hour among the 500+ scarecrows, we all left. It took another hour for the fur on my back to lie down.

(Daisy: New rule: Only one creepyass stop per trip from now on!)

(Janet: YES! The wind moved one of those scarecrows and I pooped myself.)

(Leon: I’ll be having fucking scarecrow nightmares for a month.)

From there on, it was all about us taking folks home by going back to our world and dropping off the Hildreths, The Joneses, Auntie Avy & Leon, and Auntie Ginie & Roxy. Before returning Uncle Gabriel to Los Angeles, we stopped in New Mexico for an excellent Southwestern Dinner.

(Luke: It was delicious and plentiful.)


We are ending our night in an RV park in Gorman, at the top of the grapevine. We’ll leave very early and be home before noon tomorrow, which is good because I’ll be starting a month long shoot on a film down in Florida and Luke is starting a 3 week run on the Orpheum Circuit with his song & dance act.

(Daisy: Go see him folks, because he is really good!)

With that, Dear Readers, I end my bit of this trip report. Have a wonderful evening or day, depending upon where you are.

Misty

Destination Sign When We Started: El Dorado
Destination Sign When We Stopped: Shangri La

QM Radio Station: 70’s Funk

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A History Of Historic Historians

…it’s not hysterical

 

CritterCon 11

Con Day Four (By Penny)

Hi, I’m Penny and I won the writing lottery to post the final day’s report from CritterCon 11.

We had our final breakfast at Waffles From Outer Space this morning. I’ll miss their tuna & sardine waffles.

(Luke: I had the bacon and more bacon waffles, with bacon on the side.)

(Sadie: I had waffles smothered in beef gravy.)

Once breakfast was over, we all went to the main gaming hall and played games. I got in three games of Feline Love Letter, a game of Zombie Dice and a game of Ticket to Ride India before I had to go meet several of the female critters to hit the Dealer’s Room. We spent a couple of hours there and spent quite a bit of money. My AniBank card got seriously overheated.

(Leon: I redlined my AniBank card buying miniatures, dice and terrain.)

(Goldie: I managed to stay well below my card’s limit.)

(Daisy: You guys do know that Silky founded AniBank back in 1984, right?)

(Leon: WHAT?)

(Silky: Yep, it’s true. Started it with only a couple of million bucks.)


After the Dealer’s Room trip, we all joined up with the other NHT and went to watch the finals of the Dungeons & Dogs LARP. It was fun to watch and a group from Colorado won.

(Max: They were a well balanced group and they made sure to check for traps frequently.)

(Janet: Unlike our group at home, where Moose now plays Stumpy, the one legged gnome and Pixie is Ulondra, the elf with a metal hand.)

When that was over, we made one last pass through the Dealer’s Room, then met up with the humans for cold beverages at Mink’s Cold Drinks. About the time we got there, the con ended.

(Silky: It’s always sad when a con ends.)

(Daisy: Unless you were running it, in which case it’s time to tap a keg.)

Dinner was not planned until much later, because the Post-Con Cooldown Party starts 30 minutes after the con closes. As they did last year, the Cross family supplied 50 kinds of ice cream to go with the 50 sorts of pie served at the party. It was all very delicious and we ate too much while saying goodbye to friends.

(Leon: Sweet Mother of Sylvester, can Uncle Doc pack away the pie & ice cream!)


When the party was over, we all got on the Magic Bus and left Critter City, We also left our reality and went back to Earth 1-G in 1980. Apparently, tomorrow we have a couple of roadside stops to make before everyone gets home.

(Sasha: Whoever thinks it won’t involve at least one Giant Jesus, say “aye”. Ah yes, crickets.)


Thank you so much for reading this. I hope to return to this con next year.

Penny

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A Cow With A Plan

…a plan to run straight through a new garden

 

CritterCon 11

Con Day Three (By Roxie)

Greetings everyone! I’m Roxie and here is my Saturday con report.

Most of us had breakfast early at Pancakeville, but those who overdid themselves at the dance last night decided to sleep in a bit until their pain relievers took effect.

(Sasha: I think I threw my back out dancing.)

(Misty: Luke had cramps in three of his legs this morning.)

Rather than go straight to gaming, most of us non-humans went to the Critter City Animal Amusement Park. This is a one acre 5 level park that has all sorts of fun things for animals to do. No humans except for the staff are allowed. It is truly fun for all ages, since there were kittens & puppies playing right alongside elderly critters.

(Daisy: That place is great, especially since the renovated it and added 2 more levels.)

After that bit of fun, we went to the con and played the usual mixed bag of games. I know that Leon, Max, Buster, Moose and Ollie played some sort of big wargame.

(Leon: It was “Battlefront: Central Park 1992”. There were 16 players in the game, which is based on the Neighborhood Wars that dogs & cats fought tn back then.)

Daisy ran two sessions of D&D.

(Daisy: “Tunnels of the Kobold King” and “The Flying Islands”)


Luke & Misty gave a seminar on acting for roleplayers.

(Misty: It went very well and we signed a right gob of photos.)

I’m not sure about everyone else.

(Janet: I spent most of the day playing Arkham Horror.)

(Sadie: I played in a Toon game with Sasha & Chance, then we cruised the Dealer’s Room.)

(Silky: I got into a poker game. Came out $1,500.00 ahead.)

I played a game of Nuns On The Run, which was great. Later, I played Settlers of CATan, which is always fun and challenging. Finally, I got into a game of Blue Rose with Daisy, Snowy and Janet. That lasted until 9:30, after which we went to yet another big party.

This party was also part LARP, since everyone was either a spy, an asset, a liability, an innocent civilian, or any mix of those four. There were alliances, betrayals, double/triple/quadruple crosses, assassinations and plenty of shaken, not stirred vodka martinis. I know my Mom, Ginie, killed two Chinese spies and my Auntie Avis double crossed Uncle Doc (KGB) and Uncle Peter (MI6) before she got double crossed by Silky and some young human lady. The party lasted until 2:00 and we all had big fun.

(Silky: Auntie Avy was laughing at the looks on their faces while I was busy turning her over to S.H.I.E.L.D. Hahaha!)

(Leon: I was just an innocent Senator from New Hampshire who got blackmailed into working for SPECTRE.)

(Daisy: Dude, you volunteered to work for them when the guaranteed you re-election!)


And now I need my beauty sleep, my friends. Come back tomorrow for more reportage.

Roxie

It’s Only A Crazy Scheme If You Fail

…uh, no

 

 

CritterCon 11

Con Day Two (By Goldie)

Hello! I’m Goldie and this is my first time at a con like this one and my first time writing something like this.

I’d like to start by thanking the Fabulous Four for helping Penny and myself get used to being in human bodies part of the time. The whole walking on two legs thing is both hard and terrifying.

(Silky: You’re welcome. Using an android body is weird and scary at first, but you and Penny got the hang of it fast.)

Since I’m a total rookie at this, Sasha suggested that I skip the meal reports and just talk about other stuff, especially gaming, so here goes.

(Sasha: Breakfast at Chez Mom’s, lunches mostly at hotdog ot taco stands, Dinner at Big Slabs O’ Meat.)

This morning, a bunch of us entered The Cursed Necropolis, a LARP for humans and critters. Uncle Doc, Auntie Grace, Auntie Mary and 5 critters entered through the north gate. My Dad & Mom, Auntie Avis and 5 of us critters entered via the west gate. Two other groups of 8 players entered through the east and south gates. The object was to grab loot, kill or avoid the undead, enter the Defiled Cathedral and perform the Ritual of Purification, then leave the city with our loot.

(Luke: That first wave of zombies scared the hell out of me.)

(Penny: A bit later, we heard Uncle Doc yell “Ghouls? I HATE fuckin’ ghouls!” from three blocks away.)

This was a holodeck style LARP and things seemed very real, visually and auditorily. The various smells they piped in seemed to affect the humans, but most of us NHT found that part very weak. The whole think was lots of fun and Our group was first in the cathedral. Sadly, Mom, Penny and Luke’s characters died buying us time to complete the ritual. Even more sadly, Uncle Doc’s team beat us out of the city by 4 minutes and had twice the loot we had. They also had only 3 characters left.

(Daisy: That was Daddy, Ollie and me. Everyone else got done in by either zombie ogres or that goddamn vampire that I finally staked.)

After the LARP, all the humans, all of us dogs, Max, Janet, and Willy all went to soak in mud. Daisy & Silky assured me that I would love it.

Well, I did love it. We all got put in tubs of warm mud where we rested for about 30 minutes. Then we all got cleaned up before getting massages. It was very relaxing and now everybody smells very nice.

(Sasha: I would have liked Dead Raccoon better that Warm Spice. Now I smell like fuckin’ banana bread or some shit.)


Uncle Doc and most of the other humans ran off to do their Old Time Radio Show. This year it was called “Tales of the Weird” and had something to do with vampires and grave robbers. I know that Dad played “Inspector Knox” and Auntie Avis played “Widow Barton”. I’m told it was a hit show. After that one, Uncle Doc, Uncle Gabriel, Auntie Mary, Luke & Misty did a half hour show called “The Adventures of Rocco & Maxie”.

(Silky: It was hilarious! Being an old gal, I had to stop and pee three times due to laughing so hard.)

It’s hard to keep track of what everyone played, but I know what games I played. I was in a D&D 5e + Steampunk game with Daisy & Max, then played in a long Savage Worlds game with Dad, Silky and Pixie. After that, I was getting pretty tired, so I went back to the suite for a nap. I woke up just in time to grab some room service chow with Luke, Misty, Silky and Snowy, then haul tail to the Friday Night Dance Party.

There were about 1,500 humans and 2,000 NHT at that party, most of us dancing up a storm. They had maybe a dozen DJs in rotation, including Silky (she was in a human body). The party went from 10:00 pm until 3:00 in the morning, but I left to crash at 2:15.

(Leon: I was there until the end. Every part of my body aches.)

(Sasha: So was I and I may need a wheelchair for the rest of the con.)

That’s pretty much all I have to report. Thanks for reading, folks!

Goldie

Five Things Not To Tell A Dragon

…#3: “I have a big bag of gold right here!”

 

CritterCon 11

Con Day One (By Max)

Hiya, folks! I’m writing this late and so I’m going to just give a basic rundown of what everyone did. If I leave anything out, I’m sure a commenter will correct me.

Breakfast: was at Waffles From Outer Space. That was the last time all of us were in the same place today.

Gaming: Daisy, myself, Sasha, Silky, Luke, Misty, the rest of our home gaming posse, our critter friends from on the bus and that spaniel named Chance all spent the day gaming in various ways. We plated boardgames, card games, LARPs, RPGs, minis games and video games. There were some quick passes through the Dealer’s room, but it was gaming from about 9:00 am until midnight for most of us.

Grace, Auntie Caroline and Auntie Mary mostly played boardgames and card games. They walked through the dealer’s room, too. Not sure if they played any RPGs. At a couple of points, Auntie Holly joined up with them.

Auntie Avis walked the Dealer’s Room, played some boardgames, played in a 4 hour RPG session and went to at least 2 seminars.

Mr. C, Spike, Gabriel and Brian were all over the place. I know Mr. C and Spike were each on a couple of seminar panels and attended at least one more. All of the guys played an RPG or two. They all walked the dealer’s room. I think Gabriel did some open mic thing in the new Purple Dragon Inn they set up for folks to relax in.

Lunch: I know Mr. C had lunch at Tamalemania and I think Grace ate at Killerburger. Daisy & I grabbed lunch at a new deli, Moe’s Bronx Deli. Most of the rest of the NHT went to a new NHT only place in the underground area. It’s called Wild Style and I hear it’s pretty good. Oh, and Sasha, Buster & Chance ate at Pizza My Heart.

Games Played: I asked around and here are some of the games we all played.

D&D Hillfolk Seventh Sea Dread Fluxx Unfair Gaslands Scythe Elder Sign Terraforming Mars Gorilla City: The Beginning Dungeon Dice Bean Trader Squirrel Invasion Savage Worlds Munchkin Zombie Dice Love Letter Power Grid Gloom Kingdomino Once Upon a Time.

Dinner: The humans all ate at Mistress Diana’s Dungeon Diner. We NHT mostly had food delivered to our games.

The Big Costume Party: The theme this year was Star Power and you had to dress up as somebody from your favorite space based sci fi series or movie. Naturally, Daisy & I and the gang were decked out as Starfleet crew. Mr. & Mrs. C and several of their friends went with Guardians of the Galaxy. Mr.C. Went as Groot and never once said anything other than “I am Groot” all night. Mrs. C went as Rocket. There were also lots of Firefly and Star Wars and Whovians and others. It was a great party and it’s a good thing I did not activate the intoxication subroutine in my body, because Daisy & Janet both did and then got hammered. If you have never tucked two giggling women into bed, it’s quite an experience.

So that’s my rather short report. Goldie is up for tomorrow.

Be seeing you.

Max

Goons In The Tool Shed

…we never knew how they got in.

 

The Doclopedia #1,370

Assorted Characters: The King Of Dice

The true name of the King of Dice, along with his whereabouts after the Great Dungeon Delve, may never be known. Rumor has it that he was the actual author of 2nd Edition Monsters & Mayhem. The story goes that he submitted a manuscript of over 350,000 words to the First Game Master, all in hopes that some small portion of it might be used to expand 1st Edition M&M. Sadly, he only had the one copy and it “got lost in the mail” according to the Office Manager at Monstrous Mayhem Games. At the age of 16, the King of Dice was crushed by this news. At the age of 19, he was outraged to read a copy of 2nd Edition and see much of his manuscript in it, credited to the former Office Manager, now Lead Designer for the company. The King knew he could not fight them in court, so he began plotting a different revenge.

Jump ahead 10 years and it’s the 25th anniversary of M.M. Games and the First Game Master is at MonsterCon to GM a delve into his famous “Dungeon of the Hell Dragon”. Three teams of 6 characters enter the massive dungeon from three points, all trying to get to the third level and kill the Hell Dragon. The GM is trying to stop them.

The whole event is televised to 27 countries and a $100,000.00 prize goes to any survivors when either the 6 hour clock runs out or the Hell Dragon is dead. The GM’s notes are checked by a private team of experts and no changes are allowed. The same goes for the 18 players and their characters. All official rules for the game are in effect.

The live audience at the con is packed with gaming luminaries, including the newly appointed CEO of the company, the former Lead Designer. He is accompanied by several potential investors, all of whom he hopes will invest money after they see the new 4th Edition rules. This will hopefully get the company back on stable ground after the disaster that was 3rd edition rules.

The game begins and the King of Dice quickly reveals how he got his name. Years spent developing the right hand and arm moves to allows him to roll whatever he needs 80% of the time pay off as his team first kills one of the other teams and then hauls ass through the dungeon grabbing loot.

In the arena, many bets are made on the King beating the First GM.

Finally, the King’s elven archer, a human druid, a half troll barbarian and an elven mage are in the last room, facing the Hell Dragon. The players are sweating, the GM is sweating and every one of the 10,000 spectators has fallen silent. Initiative is rolled and the King gets to go first, but the Hell Dragon goes second. If the Kings arrow doesn’t pull off some sort of miracle strike, the party is almost certainly doomed.

The bowman lets fly an arrow previously soaked in an elixir the druid had mixed up and the mage had cast True Flight upon. The King rolls his dice…

…and scores a direct hit to the dragon’s mouth!

The damage is rolled. 9 points, not even a scratch. The GM is about to roll versus poison when the King asks for a rules check.

That was an elixir of wattleberries. I had them in my pack and they were approved before we entered the dungeon. Could the judges please read from page 67 of the “MAYHEM!” magazine from June of 1980?”

After a short search, the judge read “wattleberries are tasty indeed, but it is also known that when made into an elixir by a druid of 7th level or higher, said elixir will paralyze any dragon, regardless of size, for 7 turns if introduced into their bloodstream.”

Everyone in the place knew two things at that moment: (1) that bit of throwaway text, written by the First GM himself, was an official rule, and (2) the King was about to win.

Short work was made of the dragon, the King’s team was victorious, the crowd went nuts and the newly minted CEO was out 50,000 large due to a bet.

Hoping to get past that debacle, the CEO took the investors up to his suite to show them the new rules and the business plan for the next 5 years. Sadly, when he got there he found all of his paperwork, mock ups and his laptop gone. In a panic, he called the home office only to find out that the couriers he had called them about 4 hours ago had come and gotten everything in his office two hours ago. Except he had never called them about couriers at all.

The King of Dice spent the rest of the convention drinking and eating on other gamer’s nickel. When the con closed, he drove off with the youngest daughter of the First GM, a young lady who had often listened to the Line Manager/vice President/CEO discuss his plans for the future. Neither of them was ever seen again. At least, not with those faces.

A day later, a group of professional thieves gladly accepted a sum of money for all of the CEO’s stuff. The middleman who paid them later sold the stuff to an up and coming game company. That company later produced a game that everyone agreed was the New Hotness.

The CEO lost his job in a rather swift board meeting. The company took 4 years to even partially recover.

The First GM spent the rest of his days writing his memoirs and being a guest at up to 15 conventions a year. It took him 10 years before he would speak about “That Day” as he called it.

A Total Sex Monkey

…oddly, it was not an insult

If It’s Sunday, It Must Be D&D Day!

After many years of playing RPGs only at cons, last August I started playing in a D&D 5th edition game run by Jessica Miller, a local DM. So far, we have played one multi-month series that ended when we either died or became free of curses by traveling through time. It was a satisfying and proper ending.

The next series was a pirate based one, but after about a dozen sessions, Jessie admitted that she was having a hard time getting a handle on it, so we created new characters for what is pretty much a “you are hired to explore…” scenario. So far, it has been fun, partially because one of our characters speaks in an Elvis voice and my fighter sounds like Clint Eastwood before he got old and yelled at chairs.

We play every other Sunday from 4 pm until 8 pm.

But, I also wanted to run a D&D 5E series, too. I have a pretty cool setting, a 3,000 mile long, 3 mile wide trade route that spans a continent that, topographically, looks much like North America before Europeans got here. It can be used in three different eras. First Era is 5 years after the Great Road opens, when things are new and shiny. The player characters are Road Patrol cops, preserving law & order along a section of the Road that spans about 50 miles.

Second Era takes place 150 years later, when empires have arisen along the Road. In that one, the PCs would play secret agents of an empire spying on and stopping the machinations of other empires and their agents.

Third Era is 200 years after Second Era and 150 years after a continent spanning series of wars, zombie uprisings and magical storms. PCs in this era have been hired to explore the long abandoned Great Road.

It took me MONTHS (like 10 months) to get players and schedules together to start a series set in First Era. I ran about 5 introductory adventures fro about a dozen different players, but now have 3 regulars and possibly 2 or 3 more about sign on. So far, things are going well and they haven’t even reached their assigned duty station yet. But they did make it to second level!

We play every other Sunday from noon to four, but not on the same Sundays as the game I play in. Thus, every Sunday is now D&D Sunday for me. I’m pretty happy with that and my roleplaying plate is pretty full.

So why am I thinking of running a twice weekly Play By Post game online?

 

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,296

Strange Bandanas: The Red One With White Polka Dots

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

Of the several polka dotted bandanas I own, this one is by far the most dangerous, for it is possessed by a demon. His name is Traskadar and, if he is to be believed, he came into this particular bandana when the budding serial killed he possessed at the time fell into the cutting machine that cut the material into bandana sized chunks.

The first drop of blood spilled drew Traskadar into the square of cloth that became my bandana. This also forced him into a short period of dormancy, which prevented him from jumping into the poor people that packed the bandanas into boxes, the shipping employees and the end vendor. Since I bought the bandana less than 15 minutes after it was unpacked, I was the first person Traskadar tried to possess. Unfortunately for him, it turns out that I am near impossible to possess for any length of time. Neither of us can explain this and while I am very glad of it, Traskadar REALLY hates it.

Notice that I said near impossible to possess. Traskadar has possessed me twice. The first time was just after I bought the bandana and he had partial control of me for about 10 minutes. He ratcheted up my anger and tried to get me to drive somewhere and give the bandana to somebody else. Fortunately, I was so far out in the boonies that ever driving at 90 miles an hour failed to get me close enough to civilization before my demonic enemy faded away.

The second possession came when I was shitfaced drunk. This meant that within seconds of taking control, Traskadar was shitfaced too. He really couldn’t get me coordinated enough to kill or anything, so instead we just sang old doo wop songs really loud, which pissed off my roommates and neighbors.

I have since placed this bandana into a special metal box that Sasha tells me will slowly extract the demon out of the bandana and into the box itself. When that happens, we will send the box to Demon Earth 2, where Traskadar can be released safely.

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