…it erupts gravy
NOTE FROM 2019: Due to a numbering error, I am off by 3 on the numbering of posts. This post SHOULD be #400, but I’m too damned lazy to renumber 1,800 fucking posts just now. So no, you are not going crazy. Numbering is off and I may have it fixed by 2021. or not.
The Doclopedia #397
The Alphabet, Again: B is for…Blue Reggie
On Steampunk Earth #6, a dangerous new drug has become popular among the citizens of England and, to a lesser degree, Europe. Going by the slang name of “Blue Reggie”, it unlocks the psychic centers of the brain and produces a euphoric state. The effects of the drug, which must be injected, last 2 to 3 hours. During this time, the user is incapable of moving due to muscle relaxation.
While under the effect of Blue Reggie, the user will unknowingly activate psychic powers. Most common among these are mind reading, telepathy and telekinesis. Telepathy and telekinesis have caused many problems, as exemplified by the Great Shared Nightmare that took place in York and the Flying Cobblestones incident in London on Christmas Day, 1882.
It is unknown where Blue Reggie originated, but it is almost certainly a product of Mad Science.
After The Change Came: Series 2
Sin And Old Yellow Eyes VS The Great Weerloo Army
Dear Readers, I meant to post this yesterday (Tuesday) but we got teleported just before I finished writing, as you’ll see by the abrupt ending. Enjoy it and know that the four of us are now clean, refreshed, well fed and at home.
Holy shit! HOLY SHIT! We just defeated 500 Weerloos in a heated battle! And some of them were a crazy Weerloo/Mountain Troll hybrid! My God, it was terrifying and exhilarating and I’m surprised that I don’t need to change my undies. I’m covered in blood and gore and I want to get really drunk, after I bathe for an hour or two.
So here’s the fast version of the story.
Monday morning, 2:00 am: Doc leaps out of bed and tells me that we need to get ready to leave RIGHT NOW! Although I use foul language in my response, a near lifetime of hanging out with him tells me to do as he says.
Monday morning, 2:30 am: While Doc & Rocky gallop off south of town, I arrange for a truck to haul the four of us to Interstate 5, which is 45 miles to the west of Chico. I then drink two cups of strong coffee and eat a sweet roll.
Monday morning, 3:30 am: Doc & Rocky return, winded and looking pissed off. After grabbing the 36 ounce mug of crazy strong oolong tea, Doc says “It’s Weerloos and something new and Weerlooish. Get in the truck.”
Monday morning, 4:30 am: Having paid the truck driver, we are all off of the truck and heading into the foothills of the Coast Range. We are following the very obvious trail of of Weerloos and the same big creatures that we found the tracks of earlier in our trip. They head straight west to where Doc tells me Long Valley lies. There is a lake there, no human habitation and a long flat valley just made for parking an army.
Monday morning, 8:00 am: We reach the top of the hills at the eastern edge of Long Valley. From our vantage point in the bushes, we see about 450 Weerloos, about 50 creatures that look like Weerloos if Weerloos were 7 feet tall and one human. He’s obviously a Mage and he’s obviously in charge. Doc and Rocky both growl. I cannot overstate how eerie and scary it is to hear a mule growl.
Monday morning, 10:00 am: We have retreated downhill to a well concealed spot in some trees. Doc has reached into his Bag of Expanded Capacity and pulled out a real Crystal Ball. In moments, he is in a trance, which means that he’s communicating with at least one Wizard. He’ll be like that for the next two hours,
The rest of Monday: We rest, eat and take turns watching the Weerloos. Sure enough, they are training just like an organized army. Doc identifies 9 different Clans, which makes this the largest Weerloo army ever. We both note that the big UberWeerloos must be part troll. I’m not feeling good about all this.
Today, just after sunrise: We are back on the hill overlooking the army. Doc takes a bunch of stuff out of his bag and gives each of us a small beeswax capsule filed with a blue liquid. One we have them in out mouths, he tells us not to bite them until he says to.
After that, he picks up an egg sized figurine of a wizard, then walks about 100 yards down the hill and yells “Hey, you scaly motherfuckers, listen up!”
Every eye in that army is looking at him. The conversation went like this…
Doc: “Under direction of the Council of Wizards, the United Nations, the North American Union, the United States of America, the State of California and me, the Taker of Tails & Teeth, you will all surrender right fucking now or get killed. Personally, I hope you don’t surrender.”
Mage (who is now only about 100 feet away from Doc): After a hearty laugh, says “I don’t think we’ll surrender. In fact, I think I’ll just fry you and your three friends where you stand.” He begins casting a spell.
Doc: “Not today, you little prick!” Doc then crushes the wizard figurine in his hand. Mage screams, falls down and you can actually see the power exit his body. Looking at the army, Doc asks “No more Mage for you. He’ll be powerless for the next week. Will you surrender, Eaters of Other People’s Fish?”
The response is to scream war cries and come rushing towards us.
Doc (to us): “Bite that wax and get ready to rock & roll!”
Like most magical potions, the liquid inside the wax capsules tasted like whatever it is nasty thinks tastes nasty. Thankfully, the taste only lasted a second and then we all started to change. We got bigger, more muscular and our clothing pretty much ripped apart. It was like turning into the Incredible Hulk, if he were some huge barbarian warrior. Or a Demon Mule from Hell, because Rocky and Belle were now bigger than Clydesdale horses and snorting smoke & fire. And there was bloodlust, oh yes there was! I wanted to lay waste to my enemies, to stand knee deep in their corpses and show them that Sindell the Barbarian was somebody to fear!
Just before the first giant Weerloo/Trolls arrived, Doc pulled a sword and a big ax out of his bag and tossed the sword to me. After that, shit was ON baby!
I won’t go into details, except to say that the Weerloo/Trolls were tough, many Weerloos tried unsuccessfully to run and you never ever want to have a Demon Mule from Hell after you. In the end, we left exactly one member of each Weerloo clan alive. All of them were too scared to move as Doc told them to return to their clans, tell them to expect visits from the Taker of Tails & Teeth and to never even think of grouping up with other clans or working with a human Mage, because if they did, well, Doc got very detailed about what would happen and it’s pretty gross. They all swore they would do as he said, then took off running like the devil was on their trail.
We went back to where the Mage was still passed out and Doc put a small coin on his forehead. In a blink, the Mage was gone, teleported to Wizard Central for punishment.
It took another 15 minutes before we all returned to normal, at which point, we all collapsed from exhaustion until Doc produced some Energy Elixir that revived us enough to start back to the freeway, where we would call for another truck that would take us back to Chico and civilized amenities.
We’re almost back to the freeway now and I must say that this has been a hell of an experience. Not one I ever want to repeat, but still, pretty singular. And now I want a bath, a bed and maybe a few stiff drinks.