The Slightly Late, But Nevertheless Pretty Darned Thrilling, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Pork Chop Of Doom

…co-starring her younger brother, Half Blue Harvey

The Doclopedia #1,335

It’s A Trap!: In A Castle

I’m kicking the door open! Grindfal, get a spell ready. Rolf, follow me inside the room. Sirina, you fill anything that isn’t Rolf or I full of arrows. Sister Blueberry, a blessing might be nice.”

“Oh, Great Mother, bless our little group against the goblins we think lurk in that room.”

<sound of door being kicked open way too easily>

“SHIT! It’s trolls! Two of them! It was a trap!”

<sound of trolls hitting adventurers…adventurers hitting trolls…arrows being fired…magic missiles hitting…assorted cursing>

OW! Great Mother above, I’ve been hit by an arrow. Look out! Goblins to the right!”

“Heal yourself, then Brann, Sister! Eat Arrows of Flesh Rotting, goblin scum!”

<insert much louder sounds of fighting…cursing…screaming (mostly in goblin)…roaring>

“Quick, quick! Up the stairs! I’ll hold them off with a fireball!”

“I’ve got ye, Brann! Let’s get away while them trolls burn.”

“Blessed Mother, please heal my wounded leg, then allow your humble servant to smite those fucking goblins with a weakness of the bowels.”

<insert sounds of fireball exploding…much roaring and screaming…running up stairs>

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The Triumphant Return Of the 10 Blue Budgies

…rumor has it they made parole this time

Have I mentioned that Sasha needs your questions for a new rant? Well, she does! Just leave them in the comments here. Thanks, folks!

The Doclopedia #1,278

The Alphabet: U is for…

Unknown Jones…was the starring character in a series of 15 B movies made by the Earth 1-D version of MGM from 1938 to 1952. The movies were comedy mysteries and, for B movies, had very good writing with witty dialogue.

The character of Jones (sometimes known as Detective Jones) would almost always enter the film about 5 minutes in, after some crime had been committed, and then pretty much amble through the rest of the movie uncovering clues, tossing off witty dialogue, keeping his cool while others lost theirs and hooking up with the beautiful girl du jour. Throughout the movie, other characters would wonder who this Jones guy was, but nobody ever uncovered his identity or even his first name. The series was notable in that it had an actual ending. In “Unknown Jones And The Last Mystery”, Jones again met up with Alice Smith, from the very first movie and the two solved the crime, fell back in love and got married. The movie ended with them driving off into the sunset.

Unknown Jones was portrayed in all 15 movies by Dan Bentley, a good looking young man who previously had only acted in a few movies. When the series ended, he went on to star in three television series and do voice over work on many cartoon series. He was born in 1915 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and died in Seattle, Washington in 2015 at age 100. He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Movies in the Unknown Jones series…

Unknown Jones Comes To Town (1938)
Unknown Jones Saves The Day (1939)

Unknown Jones In New York (1940)

Unknown Jones At The Scene (1941)
Unknown Jones Goes To Hollywood (1942)
Unknown Jones And The Ghosts (1943)

Unknown Jones In Washington (1944)

Unknown Jones And The Jade Cat (1945)

Unknown Jones Finds A Clue (1946)

Unknown Jones On A Train (1947)

Unknown Jones In San Francisco (1948)

Unknown Jones Meets A Lady (1949)

Unknown Jones Solves The Case (1950)

Unknown Jones In Honolulu (1951)

Unknown Jones And The Last Mystery (1952)

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The Doclopedia #1,279

The Alphabet: U is for…

Urrblo Soup…, the favorite soup of Northern Goblins. Made with selected herbs, root vegetables, a touch of Dire Badger fat and, of course, the faces of your enemies. It is a rich, hearty and delicious soup. By Goblin standards, of course.

The soup takes several hours to cook and is often flavored with a few dashes of plum wine. Some clans also add a bit of their enemies brains, but most Goblins think this throws off the flavor too much.

Urrblo soup is almost always eaten after a battle and before another battle.

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Vote For Ed Fettleminster!

…he’s not an asshole!

 

The Doclopedia #1,040

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: Goblins

1: Most goblins have a phobia about cheese

2: Goblins invented the spoon, but it was originally used as a weapon

3: On Fantasy Earth 2, 5, 11 and 31, goblins are the twisted opposite of dwarves

4: Goblins almost never found in deserts or icy regions. They don’t hang out at the beach much, either.

5: On Fantasy Earths 7, 14 and 45, goblins live in huge nomadic groups that ride giant chickens.

6: Divorce is almost unknown among goblins, but inter-marital homicide is very high.

7: Goblin warriors are often used as cannon fodder by ogres, hobgoblins and orcs.

8: After a big successful battle, many ogres, hobgoblins and orcs die of poisoning by goblin warriors.

9: On Fantasy Earth 6, goblins are peaceful and valued members of society.

10: Only 1 goblin in 3,000 can use magic. Oddly, they often end up as kings & queens.

The Doclopedia #1,041

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: Captain Steelheart

1: His heart really is made of steel. It was put into him by an old lover, a Tirkonian healer mage, when he was mortally wounded defending her.

2: He is ranked the 6th most feared pirate on the Circle Sea.

3: His ship, the “Ravager”, is one of the fastest around.

4: He is ambidextrous.

5: His pet monkeycat, Jeef, has roughly the intelligence of a 7 year old child.

6: He sometimes writes adventure fiction under the name “Sir Hanserd Kollop”.

7: Besides a mechanical heart, he also has an enchanted left ear and can hear things said a great distance (up to a mile) away.

8: He hates beets, liver and Mariskan kelp bread.

9: Most of his crew have been with him for nearly 20 years.

10: He likes to collect wine bottles, which he displays at his home on Dragonshark Isle.

The Wildly Improbable, Yet Still Down To Earth, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Yellow Elephant

…featuring her good friend, Selma Pookinwinkel

The Doclopedia #950

Things You Should Not Do: Steal Vink Eggs

Despite the fact that the eggs of a Vink are delicious, nutritious and large, you take your life in your hands every time you rob a Vink nest. The female Vink can weigh up to 1,800 pounds and has terribly dangerous claws on all four feet. The beak is also razor sharp and if the Vink in question is a Crested or a Five Striped Vink, it will be able to spit highly acidic stomach fluids. Don’t think about running, because an adult Vink can hit 75 miles an hour and keep it up for half an hour.

Then there’s the problem of Nest Worms. These are actually a sort of caterpillar that live in Vink nests and eat Vink feces. The measure up to 10 inches long and have strong jaws that can deliver a painful and poisonous bite.

So, as we said, you should not steal Vink eggs.

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The Doclopedia #951

Things You Should Not Do: Go Into The Goblinwood

Air yew crazy inna head, laddie? Yew dunna just go a’walkin’ inta the Goblinwood! I dunna care how many ye be, it’s the bleedin’ GOBLINWOOD! If there be a million of ye, the Goblins’ll still outnoomber ye a’hunnert ta one! An’ even if yer wee magical trinkets give ye all sorts of protection agin’ tha Goblins, will they protect ye from tha Trolls, Ogres, Slimes an’ other beasts what’ll eat ye as soon as look at ye? Them swords may be sharp an’ ye might be good wi’ ’em, but ye’ll still end up dead or worse.

Oh, ye’ve got a Wizard an’ a Cleric ta go wit’ ye, have ye? Well then, that’ll make ye safe as houses, won’t it? Oh yeah, nuthin’ ta fear…until ten thousand screamin’ hellspawns come outta the ground ta drag yer fancy Wizard ta Hell an’ a Dark Stalker takes yer Cleric down wit’ one swipe o’ his cold clawed hand!

Ah, bugger the lot of ye! Go off inta the bleedin’ Goblinwood an’ if ye come back, ye can buy me a wee drink an’ tell me how wrong I was.