Cows That Eat People

…they like ’em barbecued

 

We finish the week with a cyberpunky guardian. Starting tomorrow: People With Swords Week

 

The Doclopedia #76

Guardians: Guardian Program A/6

 

There are a great many data protection programs on the VRNet, but none are as adaptable and powerful as A/6. Commonly referred to as “Aysix” by netrunners, it is that most dangerous of things: a sentient piece of software with the ability to slap your virtual ass all over the net.

It is widely believed that Aysix was once a military experiment that went awry. In fact, that is only partly true. Aysix was formed when an AI program somehow linked to the military program and then went on to assimilate a virus. After a period that Aysix refers to as “birthmadnessgrowth”, the young program set about looking for a purpose in life.

Today, Aysix guards the Onyx Gateway that leads to many, if not all, of the so called “Lost Cyberworlds”. It is extremely difficult to get past Aysix…and even more difficult to do it and stay intact. Aysix himself has an exceptional damage repair subroutine, so hurting him is next to impossible.

Aysix usually manifests as a 9 foot tall Golden skinned man. His eyes are black and his hair is long and silver.

Fifty Pounds Of Aardvark Jerky

…it’s earth pigalicious

 

The Doclopedia #74.

Guardians: The Guarding Dust of Hawking 4

 

182 light years from Earth lies the star Hawking A and the 7 planets that orbit it. The fourth planet, Hawking 4 (unoficially called “Rocky”), is the only one possessed of an earthlike atmosphere and ecology. As it’s common name indicates, the planet has a primarily rocky and mountainous terrain, with 3 shallow seas and a great many rivers and lakes. There are a vast number of lifeforms on the planet, but there are no sentient species…but there used to be.

In a rather rare desert area, explorer droids have found a perfectly preserved city. It covers an area of several thousand acres and sits exactly in the middle of the desert. So far, it has not been explored at close range due to the Guarding Dust.

The Guarding Dust, which makes up the desert, is actually composed of nanites the size of very fine grains of sand. Should and creature, be it droid or animal, set foot on the desert, it is summarily attacked by the dust and destroyed. Attempting to fly into the city will not work, since a dust storm will rise up and attack the flyer. So far, 14 droids have been lost in attempts to reach the city.

The Frisky Kinkajou Dance

…rated PG-13

Aaah, Saturday! With any luck (and more motivation than I’m presently feeling) I’ll be working on clearing out the Room of Doom later. Tomorrow will be movie viewing (The Prestige) and more moving stuff around from room to room. For now though, I’m drinking my tea and bringing you, Dear Reader, another installment of…

 

The Doclopedia#73

Guardians: The Phantom Kitty Cat

 

In the heart of the city (Which city? Oh, you’ll have to find that out for yourself) is an old building. It is not abandoned, but it probably should be. Down in the basement (or is it up in the attic?) is a door that is always locked…except when it isn’t locked. If you open the door, you’ll see a small room with no windows or furnishings. On the opposite side of the room is a door and sitting in front of that door is a small cat.

The Phantom Kitty Cat appears differently for each person who sees it. Some may see a Siamese, while others might see a Tabby or a Persian or a Calico. Regardless of the way it looks to you, it will always be small for a cat and be semi-transparent. It will stare at you for a moment and then ask you a question.

What the question is depends upon who you are, what you do for a living and what your reasons are for wanting to go through the door that the cat is guarding. Depending upon your answer, the cat may ask more questions…or let you pass through the door…or tell you to leave…or kick your ass. Oddly, the cat never kills anyone.

Swimming Up The River of Madness

…but you never realize it

 

The Doclopedia#72

Guardians: The Guardian of the Eye

 

Deep in the uncharted jungles of southeast asia, carved from the living rock of a mountain, is a statue of the Great God Aggamar and set in his forehead is the All Seeing Eye of Aggamar. The jungle folk and the priests of Aggamar all believe that it is a very powerful magical item that allows Aggamar to watch over them.

In reality, the All Seeing Eye of Aggamar is a ruby the size of a bowling ball that is set in the forehead of the huge statue. Regardless of whether it has magical powers, it is worth a boatload of cash. IF you can locate the area, get there through deadly jungles, get past the jungle folk (who just happen to eat foreign human meat when they can get it), get past the fanatical priests (who never all sleep at the same time and are armed with weapons and maybe magic), get past the traps that are set up all around the statue, CLIMB the 350 foot tall statue and get the Eye…

…the Guardian will probably kill you anyway.

The Guardian is a mutant creature, part man, part reptile. It is strong, tough, quick and has a poisonous bite. It also stands 10 feet tall and has long sharp claws. It cannot be reasoned with and it will probably eat you after it kills you.

But what the heck, might as well give it a try. That ruby would sure as heck pay the bills for a long time to come.

The Snake Man Hitches A Ride

…and he had two bags full of snakes

The Dociverse #71

Guardians: Kalidox, Guardian of Tower Isle

Once upon a time, in a land where magic was everywhere, a group of very wise wizards built a very special wizard’s tower on an island in the Specific Ocean. In this tower, they put all of their most powerful magical items and their books full of spells, so that they would not fall into the hands of evil people. They named the tower the Tower of Power and they named the island Tower Isle.

To guard the tower, the wizards worked great magic and created a giant creature named Kalidox. Kalidox would never need to eat or sleep, and if anyone came to the island and did not give him the password (which was “flumogulate”), he would pound them into mush.

For 300 years, people kept coming to the island to try to steal the magical treasure. For 300 years, Kalidox beat them into mush. Eventually, people stopped coming to the island, since getting pounded into mush was not at all fun. After another century or so, even the wizards who built the tower stopped coming. But Kalidox is still there, guarding the tower.

Now, even though he is very large and very strong and very nearly immortal, Kalidox still has feelings. Recently, he has been feeling very lonely. He has even started to think that if anyone did come to the island, he might hold off on pounding them into mush if they would just chat with him a bit.

That is something for treasure hunters to think about.

Mrs. Wangdoodle Freaks Out

…oops, wrong mushrooms in that soup, Mrs. D!

Programming Note: I noticed that I was askew on my days with the 365 characters. Normally, new weeks start on Wednesday, but this week it would have been Thursday. Turns out that I got carried away with Average Joe Week and posted 15 Joes instead of 14. Anyway, to get back on track, we’ll end Spy Week a day early and begin Guardians Week.

 

The Doclopedia #71

Guardians: Mr. Bell, The Guardian at the Gates of Hell

 

You’ll find Mr. Bell in a modest house just outside small town in the midwest. He is short (5’5″), pudgy (180 lbs) and totally unremarkable looking. He seems to be a very pleasant fellow and his neighbors have nothing bad to say about him…when they even remember that he lives nearby.

The Gates of Hell are in the basement of his house and look remarkably like a simple wooden door set in the concrete wall. The door is painted red and is locked tight. Only Mr. Bell and “The Big Boss” can open it. Any attempt to force it (from either side) will result in Mr. Bell getting very upset and ripping you limb from limb, then devouring your still warm flesh. On the other hand, if you ask politely, he may well just chuckle and open the door for you. Getting back out is, of course, another matter.