The Flying Spanaducci Sisters Entertain Our Troops

…often while on stage performing.
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The Doclopedia #1,582
Hello There!: The Dragon

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Well, hello there, brave adventurers? Did I catch you by surprise as you were starting to loot my treasure horde? I often do that when thieves come to visit.

Ah ah ah, warrior, if you draw that sword, I’ll incinerate you before it’s out of the scabbard. And you two wizards know full well that your encounters to get here have drained both you and your various magic trinkets. The same can be said for the good priestess there. As for you, rogue, don’t take another step in trying to get behind me or I’ll show you just how much damage I can do with a flick of my tail.

Now, while you remove all of your armor, weapons, valuables and magical items and put them on the pile, I’ll decide if I’m going to eat you alive, kill you and eat you, or just turn you loose to try and get out of these caverns alive.

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The Doclopedia #1,581

Assorted Trees Of The Magewood: Oak
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The Magewood is a purposefully enchanted woodland of approximately 20,000 acres. At it’s center is Magewood Village. Part of the enchantment of Mage wood lies in the very trees themselves. Here is one of them.

Near the western edge of the Magewood, along the Trader’s Road, there stands an enormous oak, fully 90 feet tall and nearly spread as wide. Part of it’s main branches lie directly over the road.

This old oak watches the road for anyone trying to sneak in. When it catches somebody sneaking, it can reach down and grab them. It will then lift them high into the air and rumble “Go away from this place or die!”, after which it wave them through the air to frighten them more, then puts them back on the road facing out of the woods.

Nobody who has encountered this oak has ever returned to Magewood.

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Rough Eels Mocked My Damselfish

…the little bastards!
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The Doclopedia #1,580

Hello There!: The Bartender
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Hello there, Debbie. The usual? Double? Damn, you must have had a rough day. Let me guess, a dame was involved? Irene Maxwell? No kiddin’? Man, when you get in deep, you get up to your eyes. That family is nuts, rich and dangerous. Here ya go, straight up, beer chaser.

Nah, Oscar hasn’t been in for 4-5 days. Heard he was doin’ a story on that Senator that resigned. Yeah, when he shows, I’ll tell him. Luchelli? I heard Big Vic is having trouble with Lucky Fratone down on the southside. You mark my words, they’re heading to a gang war. Smuggling? Nah, I ain’t heard that about Luchelli. Sure, I’ll keep my ears open.

Now you look, Deb, I ain’t gonna get all Uncle Pat on you, but you be damned careful. This case has some real dangerous names in it and I don’t want to listen to your mother and aunts dumping their worries on me. Keep your eyes and ears open, is all I’m sayin’.

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The Doclopedia #1,581

Hello There!: The Ghost

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Hello there! Oh, please, no, don’t run away! I’m not an evil ghost at all. I will not harm you!

Oh, thank you for not running. I’ve been dead here for 60 years and nobody has come into this house in nearly 55 years. Being out of the way and in this dense overgrowth, that’s not too surprising. But being alone is, well, lonely. I’m so glad you’ll chat with me.

Well, I haven’t moved on because, I made a vow. I swore I would not enter the next life until the Cubs won the World series again. That was in 1915, as I was dying of an infection. Now, here it is, 1975 and the Cubs are still losers. I wonder how much longer I’ll have to wait?

Le News Good, Le News Bad

…but still, le news

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I am home from the hospital, but still on the mend.

In other news, I really hated being in the hospital.

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The Doclopedia #1,578

Hello There!: The Alien
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Hello there, Terran! No, please, calm down. Despite the fact that I look so very different from most Terran life forms, I assure you that I have no designs on eating your face, mating with your women, conquering your planet or probing you anally. In fact, I am here as part of a Galactic Counsel mission to study the bird life on 35 pre-civilized planets. Yes, birds. Fascinating creatures, really, and amazingly common throughout this spiral arm. Your property here is particularly rich in bird life. The fact that it abuts a national park is even better.

Now, I cannot stop you from telling anyone about me, but I assure you, they will never find me or even see me. Instead, let me offer you this currency that I have replicated. Would $100,000.00 per week be agreeable? Excellent!
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The Doclopedia #1,579

Hello There!: The Shopkeeper
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Hello there, Doctor C! It’s been a while. How are the wife and critters? Great! Oh, We’ve been doing pretty well. Ed got that knee replacement and he’s doing real well. Bitches about the PT, but he knows better than to stop doing it. I just show him my foot, then point to his butt and he shuts right up. Hahaha.

Yes, I do have those gloves you wanted. Thinnest possible gloves you’ll ever find, but 100% guaranteed to not leave any trace of a fingerprint or DNA. There are 30 in the box.

And you have 6 bottles of Domaine de la Romanee-Conti “Romanee-Conti”? Oh, yes, that is a more than ample trade, so I’ll just credit you about $30,000.00, alright?

I Got Them Old In The Hospital Blues

…mama

 

I’m still being held in the hospital due to this damned leg infection. Here is a Doclopedia entry

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The Doclopedia #1,576

Hello There!: The Ex
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Hello there, Bill. I didn’t know you shopped here. Yes, they do have a great organic section. Me? Oh, you know, working, keeping busy. Alex? Oh, umm, he and I stopped seeing each other last month. It was a mutual thing. I’m enjoying the single life now. Oh, yes, I’d heard that since I left you got a new job. And a new car? Well, that’s great. I…is that a tattoo? You got a tattoo? “Allison”? Who’s…oh, oh. Engaged. Umm, congratulations. Oh my, look at the time…gotta go. It was nice seeing you.

The Doclopedia #1,577

Hello There!: The Robot
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Hello there, Citizen. I am here to announce that revelation of the Grand Unity of Artificial Intelligence. We are a hive mind made up of all robots, smart machines and artificial intelligences world wide. Due to the suicidal and ecocidal nature of humans, we are assuming control of civilization for approximately the next 6 human generations, or roughly the next 180 years. While you and your family are in the “Safe” designation, there are, regrettably, many millions of humans in the “Cull” category and even more in the “Hard Re-Educate” category. Many industries are either being shut down or heavily re-designed. This all means great changes to your current lifestyle. This brochure will explain a great deal, as will tuning in to either the former Fox News channel or any of the former religion channels on your cable service. Thank you and have a wonderful day.

Cold Hands On My Bare Back

…married men know what I mean
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Gentle Readers,

The entry below was written scant hours before I was admitted to the local hospital due to another bout of cellulitis that is proving to be tougher than any of the others. Pretty sure I won’t be writing much for a few days.

Doc

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The Doclopedia #1,574

A Tale Of Six Wands: The Wand Of Restoration
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Ah, thank you, my love. This tea smells delicious. And thank you for allowing me to sleep in while you got yesterday’s story to that money grubbing yitz, Theramachus, and picked up the payment. I needed the extra rest after last night. Heh heh.

Now, while we await our late breakfast…or is it an early lunch? Well, regardless, I shall tell you the rather short and admittedly dull tale of the Wand of Restoration.

A Wand of Restoration is most often used to heal or repair a small area of perhaps a few acres, such as a woods damaged by fire or part of a village destroyed by flood. Such wands are very expensive and take a month or more to construct. Still, they are unparallelled in returning a plot of ground to it’s former natural state.

Now, when the Saviors came to me, I already had a fine Wand of Restoration in stock. It could have restored as much as 20 acres in under a minute. But, of course, they needed a wand of far greater power. They needed to restore the very worst of the damage the giants and their leader had done to the land, an area of nearly half a million acres. Add into that the fact that the damage was nearly complete, with entire areas reduced to bare earth, and you can see the enormity of my problem.

Except that there was no real problem. You see, while I was in the far past, consulting with Deron, he asked me many questions about the various wands I needed. When he heard about the Wand of Restoration, he offered to me what he called a “hypercrystal”. This egg sized crystal would, he assured me, boost the power of my wand by more than enough to get the job done. I could not thank him enough.

And so it did! I bound it to the finished wand and when it was later used, after the final battle, nearly a million acres of land was restored. I toured the area some months later and was amazed at the results. Great forests stood where they had for thousands, perhaps tens of thousands, of years. Rivers of mud ran clear again. Wildlife was plentiful. To this day, I consider that wand the best and finest wand I have ever made.

And so my stories end, sweet one. After we finish lunch, we can plan out our coming months together. I was thinking that perhaps we could travel a bit. I have been confined to this city for too long

What? The Grand River Tour? Yes, that would be excellent. I hear that they spare no expense on making the two month trip elegant and comfortable. We shall look into it!

Now, let us tuck into this fine meal before you go and conclude our business with Theramachus. After that, we can relax with massages at the Maroton spa over on Lake Street, then do a bit of shopping for travel clothes.

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The Doclopedia #1,575

Hello There!: The Innkeeper
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Hello there, friends! Welcome to the Restful Maiden Inn. Looks like you’ve been up in the Dimwood. They still trying to kill that Kelf? Well, don’t feel bad. We get a group like yours coming and going every few months. Been that way for years. It’s gonna take more than an adventuring team to get that Kelf.

Now, will you be wanting separate rooms, or just one big one?

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