The Secret War Between Glasses And Cups

…civil wars are the worst


The Doclopedia #1,672

Random Character Creation (Horror): What Do You Do?

1: I’m a truck driver

2: I’m a geologist

3: I’m a department store clerk

4: I’m a soldier

5: I’m a college student

6: I’m an accountant

7: I’m a farmer

8: I’m a pilot

9: I’m a auto mechanic

10: I’m a theoretical physicist

11: I’m a police officer

12: I’m an actor

13: I’m a doctor

14: I’m an antique dealer

15: I’m a sailor

16: I’m a housewife

17: I’m a biologist

18: I’m a nun

19: I’m a welder

20: I’m a jewel thief




The Doclopedia #1,673

Random Character Creation (Horror): Who Do you Know?

1: Senator Radley

2: Professor Karloff

3: Agent Gold

4: Ram Singh

5: Donna Sanderson

6: “Icepick Nick” Falloni

7: Captain Eastwood

8: Mrs. Perkins

9: Professor Lorre

10: Helena Ospensky

11: Luke Taylor

12: Sir Gerard Kingsley

13: Danny the Duke

14: Misty Carlyle

15: Yen Sing

16: Inspector Menard

17: Tammy Lomax

18: Goodman Okula

19: The Queen

20: Max Lebowski




The Doclopedia #1,671

Random Character Creation (Horror): What Do You Have On You?

1: pocket knife, keys, letter from Professor Holman, my lucky dime

2: hip flask of rum, $200.00, really old ring, handkerchief, pistol

3: hunting knife, picture of something strange, candy bar, camera

4: car keys, Dr. Parks hat, magnifying glass, whistle, dog treats

5: holy relic, shotgun, bubble gum, make up case, ham sandwich

6: hammer, pliers, book of poetry, a black diamond, $5.00 in change

7: Ancient scroll, vial of liquid, letter from Desmond, box of donuts

8: extra pair of shoes, dagger, bag of potatoes, $18.35, airship ticket

9: 100′ of manila rope, very strange figurine, pocket knife, cheese

10: .38 pistol, brass knuckles, Book of the Awakened, cigar, lighter

11: mummified hand, bottle of strange liquid, pair of socks, gloves

12: thieves tools, $73.00, Egyptian amulet, wool hat, bag of candy

13: small box of soil, 3 apples, bottle of beer, green bandana, gum

14: gold coin, katana, pine cone, picture of a strange cat, small sack

15: bottle of wine, old book written in Persian, candle, hacksaw

16: Book of the Vampire, silver hammer, fox fur, small cheese pizza

17: tommy gun, head in a jar, eyeglasses, vial of mercury, large sack

18: Jar of honey, 6 pearls, shark’s teeth, top hat, .44 automatic

19: stink bomb, Eye of Horus, roast beef on rye, live snake, 2 rocks

20: expensive perfume, Book of the Strange, crayons, brick, roses



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Nixed Mutts

…I know, BAD Doc


The Doclopedia #989

Poultry That Saved The Day: The Duck Who Stopped The Zombies Genre: Humor, Horror

Dr. Taringani had been hiding in the Safe Room for two days, ever since that Rhesus monkey had come back to “life” on the operating table and attacked Gary and Francine, then crashed through glass of the observation window into 30 students. The virus had mutated inside the monkey and was now killing humans, apes and monkeys at an alarming rate. A cut, a bite, an inhalation at close range…that was all it took. According to the radio, which they often left on in the lab, the zombie virus had spread a thousand miles outward from Wisconsin in a mere 48 hours.

Of course, after he had made his initial call to the CDC, the battery on his phone went dead, so he had been cut off from communicating with the rest of the world. The zombies had only hung around outside the thick glass walls of the Safe Room for about half a day before running off. Yes, these weren’t slow shambling zombies, they were fast and strong and still intelligent enough to be cunning.

While he had been trapped, Dr. Taringani had figured out an airborne anti-virus that would destroy the zombie virus. Now, free from the Safe Room, he got to work on it. It didn’t take that lone to make, since they had already created an anti-virus to what they had thought was just a version of a common flu virus. Getting it airborne was pretty easy affair, requiring only a very high pressure tank, which he had grabbed from the physics lab, and a tank full of the anti-virus. The anti-virus tank had a safety setup on it that, after filling, required him to enter a 6 digit code, so he chose his birthdate, 3-7-1970. Figuring that the tank would release a cloud of several hundred yards volume and noting that there was a stiff breeze blowing south, he figured that the anti-virus should kill all the virus in at least a few hundred square miles. Satisfied that he had done his best, he began towing the very heavy tanks out of the building and into the quad.

It took him a while to reach the quad, a place he had always liked. He took a moment to check for zombies (which he had been doing every ten seconds or so anyway), catch his breath and admire the fact that the ducks, geese and swans were swimming in the pond as though nothing was wrong. Actually, for them, nothing was wrong. The virus only affected humans, apes & monkeys.

He had just typed in the first three digits of the code when he heard the waterfowl making excited noises. He turned just in time to see a hulking zombie, probably a football player, leaping towards him.

The doctor and the zombie went down onto the grass and rolled around. By the time Taringani could break free, he had been scratched several times. The zombie was up fast and the doctor barely dodged him. Seeing a rock next to the pond, he grabbed it and, as the zombie grabbed and bit him, he bashed in the side of it’s head. Sure enough, disrupt the brain with enough trauma and the zombie stopped functioning.

The bite wound burned like fire and his vision was beginning to blur as Dr. Taringani staggered back to the tanks. By the time he reached them, death was near. He fell to his knees next to the tanks and had just enough strength and life left to enter two more digits before he died, his index finger resting lightly on the final zero. In less that thirty minutes, he would rise from the dead without having released the anti-virus.

Fortunately, a large male duck came over to check things out. He looked around at things, hoping the human had brought some bread to feed the pond dwellers with. Seeing no bread, he was about to leave when he noticed the white necrotic tissue on the humans otherwise very dark brown index finger. Thinking this might be a worm or other food source, the duck gave it a good hard peck. The final digit was entered and the safety device let out the 10 second warning, which caused the duck to fly off into the safety of the pond.

The anti-virus was released just as the wind picked up. It spread across an area of over 2,000 square miles and killed an estimated 7,000 zombies. Even better, the anti-virus was now being carried by birds and humans, so it spread even wider over the next few days. Once the CDC reached the university lab, they found the formula and released hundreds of anti-virus clouds worldwide. The zombie apocalypse had been averted!

The duck lived a good long life and fathered many babies. Nobody ever knew that it was he who had saved the human race.

The Very Pulp Actiony, Yet Also Quite Girly, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Beast Of The Haunted Hills

…co-starring her pet squid, Morris


The Doclopedia #966

Weights & Measures: 22 Gallons Genre: Spy

The pick up truck that Cheong was stealing had an extra large tank that held 22 gallons of fuel. It also had 4 wheel drive, which they would need to get over the mountains to Shengdu. With any luck, the Magistrate would not know the truck was gone for at least three hours.

It was lucky that he was able to coast the truck downhill all the way to the crossroads. At midnight in this sleepy little backwater town, nobody would hear a thing. Even if they did hear something, there was little chance they would peek outside at what might well be secret Party business.

He stopped at the crossroads and helped Uncle Hong and Mr. Shao load the supplies and the hidden weapons into the truck. Next, they loaded up the women and children. He had Grandmother and little Ang sit up front with him, where it was warm. Once everyone was in place, he started up the truck and headed out of town on the North Road, the least likely road for a group of escapees lead by a spy to use. Five minutes later, the nightly rains came, washing away their tracks.

If they made it all the way to the rendezvous south of Shengdu, he would turn the top secret weapons over to his British friend, then get everyone else onto the submarine. After that, he and the Brit would have a drink together before infiltrating the secret base inside Bright Sun Mountain.




The Doclopedia #967

Weights & Measures: 2 Pints Genre: Horror

Well then, Nick, we’ve had our two pints of courage, so let’s be about it. That manor house isn’t getting any less haunted as we sit here. Grab our bags and we’ll start up the hill, that’s a good fellow.

Yes, it’s a beautiful night. Just look at that big full moon. Reminds me of that time in Scotland that we investigated the Ghost of the Scarred Hill. That was a rousing adventure, sure enough. He bloody near had us backed into the loch before we banished him! Right tough old bugger, he was,

Well, there it is, Radley Manor. Wonderful architecture, don’t you think? Pity the place is so soaked in sin, debauchery and evil. Old Squire Radley was as twisted a person as I’ve ever heard of, and his children and grandchildren weren’t much better. Mark my words, Nick, we’ll be earning our fee tonight.

Now, let’s just assemble that Ectoplasm Reducer that Professor Xanthius built for us. By George, if this works as he said, we’ll make short work of the Hell spawned undead in this place!”

Behold! Groob, The Terror From The Recycle Bin!

…not a real monster from an old Marvel comic


NOTE: For ease of transferring these posts over to my website, I’m going to start including genre tags.


The Doclopedia #958

Alt. Zombies: Giant Zombies         Genre: Horror, Fantasy

It was good that Wizard Nooba Bovarn got out of the Seven Kingdoms as fast as she could after the accident, because if she had stayed, she would have been permanently polymorphed into a dungworm. As it is, she just has to avoid all of the bounty hunters looking to bring her in alive for that two wagon loads of gold that is offered for her capture.

Nooba was always a somewhat dim sort for a Wizard, but really, dumping 200 gallons of a flawed Potion of Gigantism into Skwix Creek, which runs into the Swamp of the Undead? Stupid doesn’t cover that sort of error.

So yes, when 50 huge rotting zombies, each at least 30 feet tall, came out of the swamp searching for humanoid flesh, Nooba started packing her Bags of Fantastic Capacity. By the time they started ravaging the kingdoms, she was probably heading over the Lacewood Mountains on the express coach to Golvania or Atar Dalse. If she has any brains at all, she’ll keep going until she gets to Moonport, then take a fast ship to some far off land.

Fortunately, the Potion of Gigantism wore off after about three days and the zombies were quickly dispatched. Damage to property was enormous and there were at least 340 deaths. Thank the Goddess that it was easy to see and smell a 30 foot tall zombie coming or there might have been thousands of deaths.

Ah, I see that 19 more bounty hunters have signed on, bringing the total to 67. I am hopeful they will bring that idiot Nooba back to face justice soon.




The Doclopedia #959

Alt. Zombies: Chimera Zombies         Genre: Horror, Pulp

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. America and all the ships at sea…Dateline New York City: The evil Doctor Bogenbroom has unleashed an army of undead horrors upon the city! These foul creatures are a horrid mixture of human and animal. They are fast moving and out for the brains of any living human they can catch. Those not killed, but merely bitten, soon die and then change into some chimerical horror. Fortunately for us all, Doc Tempest and his associates, backed up by the military and the New York Police Department, are destroying these hellish creatures even as they search for Bogenbroom’s secret lab. This reporter personally witnessed Doc and David Smalley-Smoot shooting nearly a dozen zombies in the head, the only known way to instantly kill them. Thank God for these great heroes!”