Mr. Porkwaffle Tries To Climb A Tree

…with very humorous results

 

CritterCon 10

Day Two

So last night, after watching two movies from Earth 1-D (Fall of a Jedi Knight: A Star Wars Story and Tarzan and the Jewels of Opar), most of us sat around talking until just after one in the morning. This explains why we all slept in until about 8 this morning and didn’t finish breakfast until 10.

(Silky: I crashed about 11:30. I’m getting too old for staying up late.)

(Sasha: I had to go check on some experiments and damned if I didn’t fall asleep in the lab.)

We had been north of Santa Cruz and only had to drive about three miles to the Hippie Museum, which, while not advertised as World Famous, damn well should be. Also, there is no force on Earth that could have kept Spike and Mary out of there.

(Daisy: I can’t think of a better roadside attraction for Auntie Mary & Uncle Spike. Or Silky and Daddy, for that matter.)


The entry fee to this hippie owned and operated establishment is either whatever cash you want to donate or canned food for the local food bank. Since our pantry is roughly the size of a WalMart, we donated a literal ton of food. Not only did this get us into the museum, it got us free t-shirts, free bumper stickers and hugs from the staff.

(Roxy: I thought those people were gonna poop!)

(Leon: They offered Uncle Doc & Uncle Spike some weed, too.)

The museum is chock full of photos, film, videos, writings, posters, clothing and other memorabilia of the late 60s to mid 70s. It was a real blast from the past, even for our younger members.

(Max: Man, I thought humans dressed strangely nowadays, but that’s nothing compared to the hippie attire.)

We spent over two hours there, and liked it so much we gave them another ton of food and bought a bunch more t-shirts and 9 bandanas.

(Leon: One of the ladies tried to give Uncle Doc a plate full of brownies, but he begged off citing a mass diet.)

Santa Cruz being what it is, our next stop was a mere mile away and the Human Roadside Zoo. Part theater, part fundraiser, this is another place that asks only for donations. When we got out of the bus, we saw several right wing groups protesting the place, so we knew we were going to like it, being a big old bus load of liberals. Confrontation was inevitable, I suppose.

(Daisy: Oh, Daddy, you live for shit like this.)

It seems the righties didn’t like how some of their ilk were being portrayed inside. They also didn’t like the big security guards inside, so that’s why the 15 or so of them were out on the sidewalk.

(Silky: So much for the courage of their convictions.)
(Leon: I’d say most of them had convictions for DUI.)

One dickhead in a MAGA hat and NRA t-shirt tried to stand in Grace’s way. This did not sit well with Daisy and when they guy started yelling at Grace about “UnAmerican Liberals”, Daisy told him to shut the fuck up and get out of the way. He turned toward her and poked her in the chest with his finger. He managed to get the words “Listen, little girl” out before 5’2” Daisy jumped up and kicked him square in the face, stretching him out on the pavement. Some woman, probably his wife, came at Daisy from behind and got an elbow in her plentiful stomach before getting slapped about 6 times.

(Roxy: Daisy is my hero!)

(Daisy: Do NOT mess with me or my family.)

Some young guy in neo-nazi attire looked like he might be going for a gun, so I sorta punched him in the throat. Twice. Turns out he was just going for a cell phone, probably to record the nasty old antifa hippies. My bad. I tossed his phone under the tire of a truck driving by.

(Sasha: You just know Daddy wanted to curbstomp that asshole, but the cops were coming.)

To avoid explaining things to the cops, Sasha neuralized the righties to start fighting each other. I reckon all of them got arrested.

(Sasha: Yeah, and I had every one of them assault a cop, too, for extra charges.)


The Human Zoo itself was interesting, with all of the stereotypes represented. You could see how the Trumpistas would have not liked many of them. We donated $50.00 as we were leaving. Outside, all the cops & protesters were gone.

By now it was after 1:30, so we all chowed down at a hotdog place, then wandered around downtown Santa Cruz for about an hour. Around 3:30, we got on the bus and drove about 10 miles to the Giant Jesus of The Coast.

(Luke: Dad was so excited!)

(Silky: Auntie Mary was pretty excited, too. I think Dad has got her hooked on Giant Jesuses.)

On the D. Cross Giant Jesus Rating Scale, this one rated as follows.

Size: 3 It was about 80 feet tall.

Climbability: 3, since you could only go up an outside stairway to a small deck encircling his waist.

Appearance: 8 Very lifelike looking, but with a bit of paint chipping due to the salt air.

Pose: 5 Pretty much your standard arms outspread to embrace the faithful pose

(Luke: I think Dad would faint if he found a Giant Jesus playing air guitar.)

Religiosity: 10 There was a small bible store at the base and about a dozen religious folks milling about there and up on the deck, ready to save souls.

All told, not a bad Giant Jesus, but not the best by along shot.

(Max: But he still took 35 pictures of it.)

It now being near 5 pm, we decided to take the bus to a campground down by Castroville, where we had a fine dinner prepared by Julia, then rested a bit before going to the Slide Room and trying out the new Slide Racing option. It was big fun, but after about an hour, everyone was pretty much tuckered out.

(Daisy: You’d be surprised how tied you get sliding around on your ass in the water at speeds up to 75 mph.)

So now it’s 11:00 and I’m heading to bed. More trip reportage tomorrow.

 

Destination Sign When We Started: Westeros
Destination Sign When We Stopped: Toad Hall

QM Radio Station: Alt. Country Meets Alt. Rock

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The Yellow Blouse Of Seduction

…and other stories of powerful apparel

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,346

The Numbers: 520

520 miles was how far the chase by police and the FBI went in pursuit of Jimmy Ray Waller, noted bank robber, cop killer and general psychopath. He started his spree in Huntsville, Alabama, where Jimmy robbed two banks in rapid succession. Leaving the second bank, he shot and killed two police officers. Within 10 minutes, the chase was on, mostly through local roads and state highways. Jimmy had an accomplice, his best friend Raymond Parker, who used Google maps and a constant stream from local and national news to stay ahead of their pursuers.

Toward the end, there were 24 cars, 5 helicopters and 2 planes following Jimmy. He had managed to shoot 6 more officers, 3 fatally. He had also caused 11 crashes. Most of the chase was watched live on television and the internet by tens of millions of people.

But not the last few minutes, which were blocked by “broadcasting problems”.

The truth is, on a very lonely road in <REDACTED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY>, Jimmy, Raymond and the car vanished into what is now believed to be a “weak point in time”. The government quietly closed off that road and moved everyone to a similar road about 2 miles away, where they staged a fiery car crash, complete with two badly burned corpses. Since neither Jimmy or Raymond had ever been to a dentist, identification was solely done by the drivers of the closest cars in pursuit.

Oddly, no conspiracy theory ever evolved about this event, because near the end of it a Kardashian died out in California and that completely got everybody’s attention.

Meanwhile, the remains on Jimmy, Raymond and the car lie at the bottom of a deep canyon in the middle of a desert 105 million years ago.

The Rare And Beautiful Dripping Yellow Pine Trees Of Potawango Island

…they drip flavored water

 

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The Doclopedia #1,345

The Numbers: 200

There were 200 corpses reanimated when the Russian Government set off a new form of EMP device in 1995. The test took place in Siberia and nobody much gave a thought about that old abandoned cemetery in the woods. The EMP was a failure for what it was intended to do, but it caused the corpses, most buried between 1940 and 1970, to partly regenerate and then reanimate.

For whatever reason, the running dead, who were very strong and very fast, started heading northwest. They completely destroyed 3 villages, killing and eating most of the inhabitants. We should note that nobody killed by these “zombies” ever rose up as undead.

By the time the 200 reached a major town, the army was waiting for them. Sadly, it was not nearly enough army and the zombies only lost 11 of their group while the soldiers lost 39. The town, though mostly evacuated, lost 476 people. The zombies began to spread out in groups of 20-30.

It took another 3 months to kill the rest of the zombies, including the 5 who made it all the way to Moscow and killed 298 people and caused many more to die in the ensuing panic. Russia was cut off from the rest of the world by both United Nations decree and the collapse of the government. It stayed cut off for two years, aside from humanitarian aid. To this day, the border with China is closed and is the most heavily guarded border on earth.

The EMP device that caused all this was lost and has not yet been found, despite huge rewards offered by many governments and the UN.

Junior Muskrat Buys A Snazzy New Hat

…with a feather in it

The Doclopedia #1,344

The Numbers: 42

Carol Miller was 42 when she was exposed to a strange gas that gave her the power to turn totally invisible. Nothing can detect her on any level, including sound, smell or weight. She can go anywhere she can find an open door or other form of entrance. Her clothing turns invisible with her.

Being a wife and a mother, Carol first used her powers to check up on her husband Phil (who proved to be totally loyal to her, but who does play air guitar to rock music when alone at home) and her 3 kids (who are now convinced that there can be no secrets from mom). She also picked up some juicy gossip from her neighbors.

After a month or so of that, however, Carol began to want to do more. In short order she exposed two corrupt town council members, gave police anonymous tips to several drug dealers, saved a few adults and kids from harm and rescued a bunch of lost animals. Since she is also possessed of a mischievous nature, she has also convinced a good number of folks that the old Gruber farm on the edge of town is haunted.

Thanks to some good “anonymous” investing advice, Carol & Phil are set up for an early retirement next year when they both turn 50. They plan on touring the country, during which time Carol will do some good things invisibly while Phil is off playing golf. Among their first stops will be Washington, DC. Carol has some big plans there.

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Scornful Titmice Chastised My Otter

…not that he really gave a fuck, because otter.

The Doclopedia #1,343

The Numbers: 15

15 years is the travel time, even using a Jump 7 Drive, to Yadoris 4, the outermost world of the Terran Empire. Few ships make the trip, which was initially done by the Independent Colony Ship “Maggie’s Mob”. The crew and settlers were mostly made up of disgruntled natives of Appillion 3 and Nelvas 5. lead by the infamous radical, Maggie Merks.

Since the colonists arrived on Yadoris 4, a total of 3 fully automated supply freighters have made the run there. No other humans or other species have wanted to make the trip. It is reported that the colony is now living in three megadomes (domes more than 5, but less than 10 miles across) and doing quite well. The domes are located close to each other on the northern continent, in the vast Plains of Arl.

The Terran Empire considers the colony to be “primarily self-sufficient” and “not a threat to internal stability”.

The Very Scary, But Delightfully Goofy, Story of Mostly Purple Patty And The Cat Who Thought He Was A Rabbit

…featuring Zelda, the very confused kitty

Holy Frijoles, it’s a brand new Doclopedia entry! (Note: Patreon backers get to see the next two early. Click the link below and you can, too.)

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The Doclopedia #1,342

The Numbers: 6

The walled town of G’Tain has been attacked 6 times in the last year by rampaging herds of monstrously deformed thraks, no doubt the creation of some mad wizard up in the nearby Saraset Mountains. The Sarasets are home to many such wizards and they tend to get up to no good regularly.

These thraks are quite unlike the average riding thrak, being half again as large, covered in lumpy calcifications and filled with rage at the mere sight of the town. Oddly, they never attack the surrounding farms or homes and keep to the roads until the reach the town walls. Then, they just seem to go insane.

Each attack has been by from 20 to 36 thraks and have been fought off within an hour or so by archers, spearmen and the town mages. Thankfully, these monster thraks dissolve into nothingness upon death.

The G’Tain town council is now assembling a group of adventurers to go into the mountains and deal with whichever wizard is responsible for this.

 

CritterCon 10 Is Coming!

Just a heads up to y’all to let you know that the annual trip/con report for the totally fictional, yet still great fun, CritterCon 10, will be hitting this blog in August. Stay tuned for all the fun!

The “Holy Shit, We Nearly Missed Posting In June” Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Singing Echidna

…co-starring her second cousin, Clarence Philpot

 

How I Spent Christmas Eve, 2015
(A series of tweets)

Santa Claus just called and said he is gonna stop by for a quick visit. Cool!

Oh fucking swell! Santa just showed up and he’s shitfaced. I told him to just drink milk, not scotch! AIIIEEE!!! He’s pissing in the corner!

Okay, Santa has passed out and is sleeping it off on the Magic Bus. Head Elf Murray wants to know if I can fill in. Might as well. Ho ho ho!

The Girls and I are in the sleigh with about 900 elves. Grace has called Sally (Mrs. Claus), who is NOT amused with Drunk Santa.

Just FYI, Santa’s sleigh is bigger on the inside, too.

Time to go. Still an assload of toys to deliver. Sasha is amping up the hyperdrive on this thing. On Dasher, on…whoever. Let’s go!

To be fair to Santa, he’s only screwed up like this a few times over the millennia. Last time, his replacement was Winston Churchill. Still a couple of empty gin bottles rolling around here.

Kid wants parents that don’t fight all the time. Swapped out those two losers for a pair of androids. Will sell originals to an alien zoo.

Sorry, kid, but you can’t have a goddamn hippopotamus! Trust me, you’ll love the guinea pig I left you. #nohippos

Boy in African village wants more food and less war. Gave him a warehouse full of food and a half dozen Mark 9 SentryBots. Safest & best fed village in the world now.

Just gave a 10 year old girl a classic Fender Telecaster. She plugged it in and blew out the living room windows with her first chord. Was playing “Purple Haze” when we left.

This kid wants roleplaying games. Daisy and I hooked him the fuck up, baby. He’s got like, 3 pounds of dice to go with them. #geeksanta

This little girl wants power tools. Set her up better than the This Old House guys. Told her to build herself a fort.

Kid in France wants cheese. For fuck’s sake, kid, YOU LIVE IN FRANCE! Left him a box of crackers.

WOAH! This kid (age 12) is getting a Harley! It’s all disassembled, but still, Coolest. Present. Ever!

Silky was right behind Blitzen when he farted. Pretty sure her hair on that side will grow back out.

Pretty sure after tonight I’ll be crapping cookies and pissing milk.

14 year old boy just wanted “the best present ever”. Gave him two 17 year old girls. He may stop smiling before he turns 30.

Kid who was waiting up for me: “Are you Santa or just some old fart?

Me: “Yes!”

Two kids want a baby brother or sister. Zapped the parents with some sort of horniness inducing doodad Sasha has. (Note to self: Why is she carrying something like that around?)

Kid wants science toys. Sasha gave him a complete Lil’ Mad Scientist setup, complete with body parts to reanimate. Taught him the Mad Scientist Laugh, too. #madsciencerules

Poor kid only supposed to get one toy? Fuck that shit! Giving her the toys meant for a GOP Congressman’s kid. #redistributingwealth

Congressman’s kid got a lump of coal and pix of her dad accepting a bribe.

The magic dust that Santa uses to squeeze down chimneys? Turns out it makes you fart really loud. Sounds like Dueling Foghorns in here.

Wow! Some people do give their kids ponies for Xmas. How will I get them down a chimney? And who’s going to get that horse crap outta here?

Little girl in India asked for wings so she could fly. Couldn’t do that, so left her a jet pack.

Some asshole is trying to give his kid a bible for Xmas. Fuck that! I’ll give the kid the Harry Potter series AND a Dungeon Master’s Guide! And fuck it, I gave him a shitload of comics, too.

Over Russia now. Being targeted by MIGs. Sasha teleported the missiles to Putin’s summer home. Bet that won’t be on the news.

About to lose internet access here on the sleigh. Will report more later.

Dropped off last present. Everyone is cheering. Elves making plans to vacation in Australia. Silky poured me a beer.

Home now. Shaking off cookie crumbs and pine needles. Possibly a few reindeer turds, too.

I will note here that when Mrs. Claus came to pick up the much hungover Santa, she was not at all a happy woman #nomerryxmasforsanta

Time for sleep. Girls are already out like lights. Merry Christmas!

 

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