The Absolutely Crazy, Yet Still Totally Believable, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Strawberry Jam Incident

…co-starring her best old pal, Wendy Wheatgrass

 

Hot Damn, it’s more Doclopedia entries!

The Doclopedia #1,350

Fun Magic Spells: The Wall of Marshmallow Spell

This spell creates a wall up to 30 feet wide, 10 feet tall and 3 feet thick. As stated, the wall is made up of marshmallow. The outside is dry to the touch, but the interior is very sticky. Getting stuck to it will slow any creature to ¼ of their normal movement rate. If set on fire, the wall will burn and melt in under 3 minutes and will smell delicious.


The Doclopedia #1,351

Fun Magic Spells: The Spiked Water Spell

Casting this spell can cause up to 5 gallons of water to have the same effects as 80 proof alcohol when imbibed. The effects last for varying lengths of time on different individuals, races or species. The water tastes just like ordinary water and does not leave a hangover.

 

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The Dancing Elks Present: Holiday Happenings On Ice

…how the hell do they dance on ice with those hooves?

A very quick post, just so y’all know I’m not dead.

The Doclopedia #1,348

Fun Magic Spells: The Following Fart Cloud

 

Cast this second level spell on someone and their next fart comes out as a noxious green cloud that follows right behind them at a distance of 2 feet. The spell lasts for 5 minutes.

 

The Doclopedia #1,349

Fun Magic Spells: The Merry Wanderers Spell

Cast this on any group of 2 to 6 humanoids and they will transform into a polka band and play a happy song before wandering off in a random direction for the next 30 minutes.

Mr. Porkwaffle Tries To Climb A Tree

…with very humorous results

 

CritterCon 10

Day Two

So last night, after watching two movies from Earth 1-D (Fall of a Jedi Knight: A Star Wars Story and Tarzan and the Jewels of Opar), most of us sat around talking until just after one in the morning. This explains why we all slept in until about 8 this morning and didn’t finish breakfast until 10.

(Silky: I crashed about 11:30. I’m getting too old for staying up late.)

(Sasha: I had to go check on some experiments and damned if I didn’t fall asleep in the lab.)

We had been north of Santa Cruz and only had to drive about three miles to the Hippie Museum, which, while not advertised as World Famous, damn well should be. Also, there is no force on Earth that could have kept Spike and Mary out of there.

(Daisy: I can’t think of a better roadside attraction for Auntie Mary & Uncle Spike. Or Silky and Daddy, for that matter.)


The entry fee to this hippie owned and operated establishment is either whatever cash you want to donate or canned food for the local food bank. Since our pantry is roughly the size of a WalMart, we donated a literal ton of food. Not only did this get us into the museum, it got us free t-shirts, free bumper stickers and hugs from the staff.

(Roxy: I thought those people were gonna poop!)

(Leon: They offered Uncle Doc & Uncle Spike some weed, too.)

The museum is chock full of photos, film, videos, writings, posters, clothing and other memorabilia of the late 60s to mid 70s. It was a real blast from the past, even for our younger members.

(Max: Man, I thought humans dressed strangely nowadays, but that’s nothing compared to the hippie attire.)

We spent over two hours there, and liked it so much we gave them another ton of food and bought a bunch more t-shirts and 9 bandanas.

(Leon: One of the ladies tried to give Uncle Doc a plate full of brownies, but he begged off citing a mass diet.)

Santa Cruz being what it is, our next stop was a mere mile away and the Human Roadside Zoo. Part theater, part fundraiser, this is another place that asks only for donations. When we got out of the bus, we saw several right wing groups protesting the place, so we knew we were going to like it, being a big old bus load of liberals. Confrontation was inevitable, I suppose.

(Daisy: Oh, Daddy, you live for shit like this.)

It seems the righties didn’t like how some of their ilk were being portrayed inside. They also didn’t like the big security guards inside, so that’s why the 15 or so of them were out on the sidewalk.

(Silky: So much for the courage of their convictions.)
(Leon: I’d say most of them had convictions for DUI.)

One dickhead in a MAGA hat and NRA t-shirt tried to stand in Grace’s way. This did not sit well with Daisy and when they guy started yelling at Grace about “UnAmerican Liberals”, Daisy told him to shut the fuck up and get out of the way. He turned toward her and poked her in the chest with his finger. He managed to get the words “Listen, little girl” out before 5’2” Daisy jumped up and kicked him square in the face, stretching him out on the pavement. Some woman, probably his wife, came at Daisy from behind and got an elbow in her plentiful stomach before getting slapped about 6 times.

(Roxy: Daisy is my hero!)

(Daisy: Do NOT mess with me or my family.)

Some young guy in neo-nazi attire looked like he might be going for a gun, so I sorta punched him in the throat. Twice. Turns out he was just going for a cell phone, probably to record the nasty old antifa hippies. My bad. I tossed his phone under the tire of a truck driving by.

(Sasha: You just know Daddy wanted to curbstomp that asshole, but the cops were coming.)

To avoid explaining things to the cops, Sasha neuralized the righties to start fighting each other. I reckon all of them got arrested.

(Sasha: Yeah, and I had every one of them assault a cop, too, for extra charges.)


The Human Zoo itself was interesting, with all of the stereotypes represented. You could see how the Trumpistas would have not liked many of them. We donated $50.00 as we were leaving. Outside, all the cops & protesters were gone.

By now it was after 1:30, so we all chowed down at a hotdog place, then wandered around downtown Santa Cruz for about an hour. Around 3:30, we got on the bus and drove about 10 miles to the Giant Jesus of The Coast.

(Luke: Dad was so excited!)

(Silky: Auntie Mary was pretty excited, too. I think Dad has got her hooked on Giant Jesuses.)

On the D. Cross Giant Jesus Rating Scale, this one rated as follows.

Size: 3 It was about 80 feet tall.

Climbability: 3, since you could only go up an outside stairway to a small deck encircling his waist.

Appearance: 8 Very lifelike looking, but with a bit of paint chipping due to the salt air.

Pose: 5 Pretty much your standard arms outspread to embrace the faithful pose

(Luke: I think Dad would faint if he found a Giant Jesus playing air guitar.)

Religiosity: 10 There was a small bible store at the base and about a dozen religious folks milling about there and up on the deck, ready to save souls.

All told, not a bad Giant Jesus, but not the best by along shot.

(Max: But he still took 35 pictures of it.)

It now being near 5 pm, we decided to take the bus to a campground down by Castroville, where we had a fine dinner prepared by Julia, then rested a bit before going to the Slide Room and trying out the new Slide Racing option. It was big fun, but after about an hour, everyone was pretty much tuckered out.

(Daisy: You’d be surprised how tied you get sliding around on your ass in the water at speeds up to 75 mph.)

So now it’s 11:00 and I’m heading to bed. More trip reportage tomorrow.

 

Destination Sign When We Started: Westeros
Destination Sign When We Stopped: Toad Hall

QM Radio Station: Alt. Country Meets Alt. Rock

The Yellow Blouse Of Seduction

…and other stories of powerful apparel

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,346

The Numbers: 520

520 miles was how far the chase by police and the FBI went in pursuit of Jimmy Ray Waller, noted bank robber, cop killer and general psychopath. He started his spree in Huntsville, Alabama, where Jimmy robbed two banks in rapid succession. Leaving the second bank, he shot and killed two police officers. Within 10 minutes, the chase was on, mostly through local roads and state highways. Jimmy had an accomplice, his best friend Raymond Parker, who used Google maps and a constant stream from local and national news to stay ahead of their pursuers.

Toward the end, there were 24 cars, 5 helicopters and 2 planes following Jimmy. He had managed to shoot 6 more officers, 3 fatally. He had also caused 11 crashes. Most of the chase was watched live on television and the internet by tens of millions of people.

But not the last few minutes, which were blocked by “broadcasting problems”.

The truth is, on a very lonely road in <REDACTED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY>, Jimmy, Raymond and the car vanished into what is now believed to be a “weak point in time”. The government quietly closed off that road and moved everyone to a similar road about 2 miles away, where they staged a fiery car crash, complete with two badly burned corpses. Since neither Jimmy or Raymond had ever been to a dentist, identification was solely done by the drivers of the closest cars in pursuit.

Oddly, no conspiracy theory ever evolved about this event, because near the end of it a Kardashian died out in California and that completely got everybody’s attention.

Meanwhile, the remains on Jimmy, Raymond and the car lie at the bottom of a deep canyon in the middle of a desert 105 million years ago.

The Rare And Beautiful Dripping Yellow Pine Trees Of Potawango Island

…they drip flavored water

 

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The Doclopedia #1,345

The Numbers: 200

There were 200 corpses reanimated when the Russian Government set off a new form of EMP device in 1995. The test took place in Siberia and nobody much gave a thought about that old abandoned cemetery in the woods. The EMP was a failure for what it was intended to do, but it caused the corpses, most buried between 1940 and 1970, to partly regenerate and then reanimate.

For whatever reason, the running dead, who were very strong and very fast, started heading northwest. They completely destroyed 3 villages, killing and eating most of the inhabitants. We should note that nobody killed by these “zombies” ever rose up as undead.

By the time the 200 reached a major town, the army was waiting for them. Sadly, it was not nearly enough army and the zombies only lost 11 of their group while the soldiers lost 39. The town, though mostly evacuated, lost 476 people. The zombies began to spread out in groups of 20-30.

It took another 3 months to kill the rest of the zombies, including the 5 who made it all the way to Moscow and killed 298 people and caused many more to die in the ensuing panic. Russia was cut off from the rest of the world by both United Nations decree and the collapse of the government. It stayed cut off for two years, aside from humanitarian aid. To this day, the border with China is closed and is the most heavily guarded border on earth.

The EMP device that caused all this was lost and has not yet been found, despite huge rewards offered by many governments and the UN.

Junior Muskrat Buys A Snazzy New Hat

…with a feather in it

The Doclopedia #1,344

The Numbers: 42

Carol Miller was 42 when she was exposed to a strange gas that gave her the power to turn totally invisible. Nothing can detect her on any level, including sound, smell or weight. She can go anywhere she can find an open door or other form of entrance. Her clothing turns invisible with her.

Being a wife and a mother, Carol first used her powers to check up on her husband Phil (who proved to be totally loyal to her, but who does play air guitar to rock music when alone at home) and her 3 kids (who are now convinced that there can be no secrets from mom). She also picked up some juicy gossip from her neighbors.

After a month or so of that, however, Carol began to want to do more. In short order she exposed two corrupt town council members, gave police anonymous tips to several drug dealers, saved a few adults and kids from harm and rescued a bunch of lost animals. Since she is also possessed of a mischievous nature, she has also convinced a good number of folks that the old Gruber farm on the edge of town is haunted.

Thanks to some good “anonymous” investing advice, Carol & Phil are set up for an early retirement next year when they both turn 50. They plan on touring the country, during which time Carol will do some good things invisibly while Phil is off playing golf. Among their first stops will be Washington, DC. Carol has some big plans there.

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Scornful Titmice Chastised My Otter

…not that he really gave a fuck, because otter.

The Doclopedia #1,343

The Numbers: 15

15 years is the travel time, even using a Jump 7 Drive, to Yadoris 4, the outermost world of the Terran Empire. Few ships make the trip, which was initially done by the Independent Colony Ship “Maggie’s Mob”. The crew and settlers were mostly made up of disgruntled natives of Appillion 3 and Nelvas 5. lead by the infamous radical, Maggie Merks.

Since the colonists arrived on Yadoris 4, a total of 3 fully automated supply freighters have made the run there. No other humans or other species have wanted to make the trip. It is reported that the colony is now living in three megadomes (domes more than 5, but less than 10 miles across) and doing quite well. The domes are located close to each other on the northern continent, in the vast Plains of Arl.

The Terran Empire considers the colony to be “primarily self-sufficient” and “not a threat to internal stability”.