Handsome Joe Eats A Pile Of Pancakes

…with syrup!

The Doclopedia #1,395

The Over And The Under: Who Is Who In The Under?

From Asimi Fane, an Underling: I’m not sure I know what you mean. Are you asking who tribal or village elders are? For that, you’d need to ask each tribe or village. Here in my village, my gramper is the Eldest and he judges arguments and such. The elders are in charge of some things, the women are in charge of some things and the men are in charge of others. It works much the same in the tribes.

Of course, Loners are the only ones in charge if their lives. It sounds like a lonely life, but then again, it also sounds like a very free life. I’m not sure I could live that way, though.

From Par Wontella Nalestima, an Overling: Who is who in the Under? Are you joking? The people of the Under are savages! They live in tribes ruled by the strongest, most vicious among them. The few that live in “villages” are only slightly more advanced than the tribes. And let’s not forget that many Underlings roam around on their own, no doubt preying on the weak and defenseless.

A Raccoon Named Boone Went To The Moon Last June To Sing A Looney Tune

…who knew he could croon?

The Scottish Pixie Event

(Note: This is not actually that strange an occurrence at our house. Additionally, for those not in the know, Daisy, Sasha, Silky, Luke & Misty are dogs. Max is a mutant rabbit and Daisy’s boyfriend.)

So I’m at the laundromat when I get this text…

Daisy: 30 Scottish pixies have infested Mom’s closet! No time for details. Please come home to help us.

Me: Your text did not go through. Please try again next week.

Daisy: Stop messing around, Daddy! Mom will be home from Winco in 20 minutes!

Me: We are sorry, but Mr. Cross cannot answer you, consumed by laughter as he is.

Daisy: THEY BITE AND THEY CRAP ON US!

Me: We are sorry, but Mr. Cross has just expired due to laughing so hard.

Daisy: You are such a dick!

(Note: At this point, I was laughing so hard that a lady at the laundromat asked me if I was okay.)

 

A somewhat later text from Sasha…

Holy crap, don’t come home, Daddy! Silky and I stepped in the front door and there was shit all over the house and Daisy & Max & the whole nerd posse were all bit up and crying and a bunch of Scottish pixies in a cage called me a fucking cunt and Mom was right in the middle of things about to hit critical mass.

Suggest you come have a cold one with Silky and I at the pool hall until this blows over.

(Note: Cue another fit of laughter. People start moving to the far end of the laundromat.)

 

A slightly later text from Luke…

Misty and I were about to come home for the weekend when we got a text from Silky. We will spend tonight in Denver instead. We’ll come home once Mom has cooled off.

(Note: Luke and Misty have a highly developed sense of danger.)

 

The final text, from Grace, my wife…

When you get home, you’ll find Daisy and her crew frozen in carbonite in the front yard. DO NOT RELEASE THEM BEFORE DINNER TONIGHT! The Bots are cleaning the house and I am going to dispose of Stupified pixies, then take a nap. I do not want to discuss this day ever!

(Note: Not discussing it lasted only until she woke up from her nap and said to me: “Do you know what your youngest dog did today?”)

 

 

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Chapter 134: In Which Our Hero, Forced To Wear A Suit Made Of Feathers, Must Free Young Kate From The French

…and she’s allergic to feathers

The Doclopedia #1,383

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Cat Tree

Why give your cats some plywood and shag carpet monstrosity to play/sleep on when you can give them an actual, living, cat tree? Thanks yo modern genetic manipulation, these 7 foot tall trees grow very well indoors and have plenty of wide horizontal branches for kitty to lounge on. The trunk of the tree naturally develops hollows that cats can hide in! The tree also gives off a lovely scent that both cats and humans enjoy. Best of all, it sheds very few leaves each year, making clean up a breeze! Available at pet megastores and garden stores everywhere. Only $59.95 and it comes with a 5 year guarantee!

The Doclopedia #1,384

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Egg Slicer

Be truthful, have you ever tried to slice any egg larger than a chicken egg in an egg slicer? You can’t do it! But with this new adjustable egg slicer, you can slice duck eggs, turkey eggs, goose eggs, ostrich eggs, even Triceratops eggs! Just adjust the holding tray, then bring down the custom titanium wire slicer and BINGO, perfectly sliced eggs every time! Available everywhere for only $22.50!

We’ve Got Minks In The Pickle Barrel!

…GODDAMNIT! A whole barrel of pickles, ruined!

The Doclopedia #1,381

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Melon Baller

If you like sports, then you need a melon baller! Just place any melon into it, select the type of ball you want and press the button. In just2 to 4 minutes the outside of any melon can look like any ball, from a golf ball to a basketball. Great for those game day tailgate parties! $29.99 at most stores. Buy one this month and get the Autographer attachment, normally $19.95. for only $10.00!

The Doclopedia #1,382

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Allen Wrench

No matter if Allen is your first, last or middle name, this wrench is made for you! Using special Allen specific nanotech, this fully adjustable wrench will last a lifetime and look great doing it. And it’s only $15.00! We also have William, Robert, James, Peter, Richard and Paul wrenches for sale.

The Secret Origin Of Ian Skinner!

…one of my Patreon backers!

 

The Doclopedia #1,379

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Ice Cream Scoop

Do you love ice cream? I mean, REALLY love ice cream? Well an ice cream scoop is just what you need! This device will keep you up to date with the latest ice cream news. New flavor invented somewhere? Favorite ice cream shop having a sale? Famous celebrity declares their favorite flavor? This little gadget will give you the scoop on all that news as soon as it happens! Under $25.00 in most stores. Requires internet connection.

The Doclopedia #1,380

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Bread Box

Now you can stash your money and other valuables where no thief would ever look for them: in a moldy stale loaf of bread! Or at least a box made to LOOK that way. This quality stash box is made to resemble a large unsliced loaf of bread that has gone hard and has some greenish mold on it. No burglar in his right mind would touch it! Be safe and secure with a bread box! $19.99. includes plastic storage bag. Also available in sourdough round or French loaf.

Thuggish Prawns Humiliated My Anemone

…so I ate the little bastards

The Doclopedia #1,378

Amazing Ordinary Stuff: Candles

Yes, folks, these are the direct opposite of can’tdles, those great teaching devices we use on pets, children and really stupid adults. The difference is, if you light a candle for a pet or human, it will magically reinforce the thing you want them to do, like eating their vegetables or cleaning their room or bringing the thrown ball back to you or voting for somebody other than a fucking fascist. You can buy these at 3 for $10.00 in most magic shops.

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Grouchy Jackdaws Teased My Meadowlark

…until he was forced to pull a gun on them

 

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The Doclopedia #1,352

Strange Bandanas: The Donald Duck One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

It looks like a simple white bandana with pictures of Donald Duck on it, but oh my friends, it is not. When I put this bandana, which was originally found in an ancient temple of duck worship, I gain all the powers of the Duck God.

I am impervious to getting wet, I can swim and dive, I can charm most humans with my cuteness and, of course, I can fly. In addition to all of that, I can speak with ducks and, if need be, summon an army of them to fight with me.

I seldom wear this bandana, because with great power…well, you know.

The Tenderly Romantic, But Also Rather Sappy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Sausage Factory

…co-starring her neighbor, Mister Dinwiddy

The Doclopedia #1,351

Strange Bandanas: The Blue Tiger Striped One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

While the Blue Tiger Striped bandana has no strange powers, I did get it by a rather strange turn of events. I was in Macon, Georgia, in 1982, on business that we need not elaborate upon, when a young lady came running toward me screaming that the two rather tough looking men behind her were trying to kill her. As they got closer, I saw that they had an inhuman look to them, so I grabbed her hand and we ran away as fast as we could.

The two big goons were gaining on us when I pulled her into an alley. Telling her to hide behind a dumpster, I whipped off the bandana I had been wearing and put on another that allowed me to affect gravity in a small area. As the goons turned into the alley and advanced upon me, I switched gravity off under them.

I let them rise about 150 feet, then tripled gravity in the same spot. They hit the ground hard. I could hear bones breaking. They were still and unmoving, so I had the young woman come out of hiding. When I asked her what the hell those two were, she told me they were Orcs, hired to track her down and kill her by her cousin, who desired the throne of her kingdom. She explained that her world was in another reality and she had used a spell to get to our world. It seemed the Orcs had managed to get through the portal just before it closed.

She said the portal would reopen in a few hours, so I offered to buy her lunch. She was very charming company and was thrilled to eat her first hambuger. During lunch, she told me that her cousin would try to kill her again and that she could do little against her cousin, who was protected from all forms of magic and guarded by deadly Orc mercenaries. I asked her if the Orcs were very fast and how close could she get to her cousin. She said the Orcs were not really fast and she could get to within 30 feet of her cousin. I told her I might be able to help her.

For the next four hours, I showed her how to use a .357 magnum pistol that I just happened to have for personal protection. She was a quick learner and a good shot. When she left, she kissed me and gave me the bandana, which to this day smells like her.

It was many years later that my family and I took the Bus to her world (Earth 499-C) and heard the tale of how Princess Savimila claimed her throne and dispatched her evil cousin and four Orcs with a “Thunder Wand”. I never did find out if she ever used the extra 24 rounds I gave her.

Chapter 883: In Which Our Hero, Heartbroken And Drunk, Still Manages To Con Three Frenchmen Out Of 1,000 Francs.

…of course, the Frenchies were drunk, too.

 

The Doclopedia #1,350

Strange Bandanas: The Hawaiian Print One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

Oddly enough, I got this lovely tropical print bandana in Hawaii, on Maui. It was sold to me by a roadside vendor who told me it would bring me good luck if I was near the sea. Boy, was she right! Two days later, on the beach near Hilo (on the Big Island), I found a 100 dollar bill! Since then, I have worn the bandana many times when I was near the sea.

Near San Diego, I stopped my car to look at some passing whales just before a 35 car pile up that I would have been in the middle of.

While at the beach in San Francisco, I found a guitar buried in the sand. Turned out to have belonged to Jerry Garcia, who lost it 20 years earlier. He rewarded me nicely.

At the beach in Oregon, I narrowly missed being struck by lightning!

And at a remote beach in Japan, I saw just the top of Godzilla’s head and his eyes break the surface. He looked around and then submerged. I left and took the first flight home.

The Incredible Adventures Of The Fabulous Four

…starring Daisy, Sasha, Luke & Silky

 

The Doclopedia #1,349

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: Lady Patience Stanton

Name: Patience Amanda Catherine Stanton
Age: 31
Profession: Monster Hunter

Her Guns: .45 caliber pistols, sawed off shotgun, stake firing airgun

Lady Patience has been hunting monsters since she was 16 years old, the same year the infamous Werewolf of York killed her sister and her fiance. Since then, she has dispatched vampires, demons, mummies, revivified corpses, even more lycanthropes and the odd witch. She is exceptionally good at what she does.

The ammunition that she uses varies depending upon the creature she is hunting. For werewolves, silver is always useful. For mummies, she uses a low powered round that ignites on contact with the air. For vampires, she uses small stakes blessed by the pope himself. Of course, for some monsters, the traditional lead slug works very well indeed.

Dogs And Hogs Writing Blogs About Frogs

…often in heavy fogs

The Doclopedia #1,348

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: Sherry DiNova

Name: Sherrylyn Alice DiNova
Age: 29
Profession: Dispenser of Justice

Her Guns: Matched pair of Sigorovich Mk X Dart Throwers

In the year 2120, Earth is ruled by megacorporations, corrupt military and police, crooked politicians and the propaganda of the media. The planet-wide ecosystem is in collapse and every year the weather kills millions of people.

In a last ditch attempt to change history, the crumbling Resistance sent Sherry DiNova into the past to eliminate those people that were responsible for the state of things in 2120. Armed with her full body armor, her pistols and a MakerBox to create ammunition, Sherry arrived in the year 1996 on New Year’s Day. She immediately began crossing names off her very long list. By January 3rd, 15 people were dead and certain scientists had information and tech that was a century ahead. Sherry had already changed the future, but there was still a long list of names to deal with.

Sherry prefers the Sigorovich Mk X Dart Throwers because they have Genius technology, superb balance and they can change ammo types with a thought. Her preferred ammo is the Pyroblast and the Dissolver, the latter releasing powerful enzymes that will dissolve an entire body in under 4 hours. As you can imagine by her favorite choices, Sherry likes to leave a mess behind. She finds that sowing terror in the corrupt and evil makes her job a whole lot more fun.

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The Absolutely Crazy, Yet Still Totally Believable, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Strawberry Jam Incident

…co-starring her best old pal, Wendy Wheatgrass

 

Hot Damn, it’s more Doclopedia entries!

The Doclopedia #1,350

Fun Magic Spells: The Wall of Marshmallow Spell

This spell creates a wall up to 30 feet wide, 10 feet tall and 3 feet thick. As stated, the wall is made up of marshmallow. The outside is dry to the touch, but the interior is very sticky. Getting stuck to it will slow any creature to ¼ of their normal movement rate. If set on fire, the wall will burn and melt in under 3 minutes and will smell delicious.


The Doclopedia #1,351

Fun Magic Spells: The Spiked Water Spell

Casting this spell can cause up to 5 gallons of water to have the same effects as 80 proof alcohol when imbibed. The effects last for varying lengths of time on different individuals, races or species. The water tastes just like ordinary water and does not leave a hangover.

 

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If YOU would like to read that same content, and more in the future, back this blog for as little as ONE DOLLAR a month. Or more, if you feel generous.

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The Dancing Elks Present: Holiday Happenings On Ice

…how the hell do they dance on ice with those hooves?

A very quick post, just so y’all know I’m not dead.

The Doclopedia #1,348

Fun Magic Spells: The Following Fart Cloud

 

Cast this second level spell on someone and their next fart comes out as a noxious green cloud that follows right behind them at a distance of 2 feet. The spell lasts for 5 minutes.

 

The Doclopedia #1,349

Fun Magic Spells: The Merry Wanderers Spell

Cast this on any group of 2 to 6 humanoids and they will transform into a polka band and play a happy song before wandering off in a random direction for the next 30 minutes.

Mr. Porkwaffle Tries To Climb A Tree

…with very humorous results

 

CritterCon 10

Day Two

So last night, after watching two movies from Earth 1-D (Fall of a Jedi Knight: A Star Wars Story and Tarzan and the Jewels of Opar), most of us sat around talking until just after one in the morning. This explains why we all slept in until about 8 this morning and didn’t finish breakfast until 10.

(Silky: I crashed about 11:30. I’m getting too old for staying up late.)

(Sasha: I had to go check on some experiments and damned if I didn’t fall asleep in the lab.)

We had been north of Santa Cruz and only had to drive about three miles to the Hippie Museum, which, while not advertised as World Famous, damn well should be. Also, there is no force on Earth that could have kept Spike and Mary out of there.

(Daisy: I can’t think of a better roadside attraction for Auntie Mary & Uncle Spike. Or Silky and Daddy, for that matter.)


The entry fee to this hippie owned and operated establishment is either whatever cash you want to donate or canned food for the local food bank. Since our pantry is roughly the size of a WalMart, we donated a literal ton of food. Not only did this get us into the museum, it got us free t-shirts, free bumper stickers and hugs from the staff.

(Roxy: I thought those people were gonna poop!)

(Leon: They offered Uncle Doc & Uncle Spike some weed, too.)

The museum is chock full of photos, film, videos, writings, posters, clothing and other memorabilia of the late 60s to mid 70s. It was a real blast from the past, even for our younger members.

(Max: Man, I thought humans dressed strangely nowadays, but that’s nothing compared to the hippie attire.)

We spent over two hours there, and liked it so much we gave them another ton of food and bought a bunch more t-shirts and 9 bandanas.

(Leon: One of the ladies tried to give Uncle Doc a plate full of brownies, but he begged off citing a mass diet.)

Santa Cruz being what it is, our next stop was a mere mile away and the Human Roadside Zoo. Part theater, part fundraiser, this is another place that asks only for donations. When we got out of the bus, we saw several right wing groups protesting the place, so we knew we were going to like it, being a big old bus load of liberals. Confrontation was inevitable, I suppose.

(Daisy: Oh, Daddy, you live for shit like this.)

It seems the righties didn’t like how some of their ilk were being portrayed inside. They also didn’t like the big security guards inside, so that’s why the 15 or so of them were out on the sidewalk.

(Silky: So much for the courage of their convictions.)
(Leon: I’d say most of them had convictions for DUI.)

One dickhead in a MAGA hat and NRA t-shirt tried to stand in Grace’s way. This did not sit well with Daisy and when they guy started yelling at Grace about “UnAmerican Liberals”, Daisy told him to shut the fuck up and get out of the way. He turned toward her and poked her in the chest with his finger. He managed to get the words “Listen, little girl” out before 5’2” Daisy jumped up and kicked him square in the face, stretching him out on the pavement. Some woman, probably his wife, came at Daisy from behind and got an elbow in her plentiful stomach before getting slapped about 6 times.

(Roxy: Daisy is my hero!)

(Daisy: Do NOT mess with me or my family.)

Some young guy in neo-nazi attire looked like he might be going for a gun, so I sorta punched him in the throat. Twice. Turns out he was just going for a cell phone, probably to record the nasty old antifa hippies. My bad. I tossed his phone under the tire of a truck driving by.

(Sasha: You just know Daddy wanted to curbstomp that asshole, but the cops were coming.)

To avoid explaining things to the cops, Sasha neuralized the righties to start fighting each other. I reckon all of them got arrested.

(Sasha: Yeah, and I had every one of them assault a cop, too, for extra charges.)


The Human Zoo itself was interesting, with all of the stereotypes represented. You could see how the Trumpistas would have not liked many of them. We donated $50.00 as we were leaving. Outside, all the cops & protesters were gone.

By now it was after 1:30, so we all chowed down at a hotdog place, then wandered around downtown Santa Cruz for about an hour. Around 3:30, we got on the bus and drove about 10 miles to the Giant Jesus of The Coast.

(Luke: Dad was so excited!)

(Silky: Auntie Mary was pretty excited, too. I think Dad has got her hooked on Giant Jesuses.)

On the D. Cross Giant Jesus Rating Scale, this one rated as follows.

Size: 3 It was about 80 feet tall.

Climbability: 3, since you could only go up an outside stairway to a small deck encircling his waist.

Appearance: 8 Very lifelike looking, but with a bit of paint chipping due to the salt air.

Pose: 5 Pretty much your standard arms outspread to embrace the faithful pose

(Luke: I think Dad would faint if he found a Giant Jesus playing air guitar.)

Religiosity: 10 There was a small bible store at the base and about a dozen religious folks milling about there and up on the deck, ready to save souls.

All told, not a bad Giant Jesus, but not the best by along shot.

(Max: But he still took 35 pictures of it.)

It now being near 5 pm, we decided to take the bus to a campground down by Castroville, where we had a fine dinner prepared by Julia, then rested a bit before going to the Slide Room and trying out the new Slide Racing option. It was big fun, but after about an hour, everyone was pretty much tuckered out.

(Daisy: You’d be surprised how tied you get sliding around on your ass in the water at speeds up to 75 mph.)

So now it’s 11:00 and I’m heading to bed. More trip reportage tomorrow.

 

Destination Sign When We Started: Westeros
Destination Sign When We Stopped: Toad Hall

QM Radio Station: Alt. Country Meets Alt. Rock

The Yellow Blouse Of Seduction

…and other stories of powerful apparel

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,346

The Numbers: 520

520 miles was how far the chase by police and the FBI went in pursuit of Jimmy Ray Waller, noted bank robber, cop killer and general psychopath. He started his spree in Huntsville, Alabama, where Jimmy robbed two banks in rapid succession. Leaving the second bank, he shot and killed two police officers. Within 10 minutes, the chase was on, mostly through local roads and state highways. Jimmy had an accomplice, his best friend Raymond Parker, who used Google maps and a constant stream from local and national news to stay ahead of their pursuers.

Toward the end, there were 24 cars, 5 helicopters and 2 planes following Jimmy. He had managed to shoot 6 more officers, 3 fatally. He had also caused 11 crashes. Most of the chase was watched live on television and the internet by tens of millions of people.

But not the last few minutes, which were blocked by “broadcasting problems”.

The truth is, on a very lonely road in <REDACTED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY>, Jimmy, Raymond and the car vanished into what is now believed to be a “weak point in time”. The government quietly closed off that road and moved everyone to a similar road about 2 miles away, where they staged a fiery car crash, complete with two badly burned corpses. Since neither Jimmy or Raymond had ever been to a dentist, identification was solely done by the drivers of the closest cars in pursuit.

Oddly, no conspiracy theory ever evolved about this event, because near the end of it a Kardashian died out in California and that completely got everybody’s attention.

Meanwhile, the remains on Jimmy, Raymond and the car lie at the bottom of a deep canyon in the middle of a desert 105 million years ago.

The Rare And Beautiful Dripping Yellow Pine Trees Of Potawango Island

…they drip flavored water

 

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The Doclopedia #1,345

The Numbers: 200

There were 200 corpses reanimated when the Russian Government set off a new form of EMP device in 1995. The test took place in Siberia and nobody much gave a thought about that old abandoned cemetery in the woods. The EMP was a failure for what it was intended to do, but it caused the corpses, most buried between 1940 and 1970, to partly regenerate and then reanimate.

For whatever reason, the running dead, who were very strong and very fast, started heading northwest. They completely destroyed 3 villages, killing and eating most of the inhabitants. We should note that nobody killed by these “zombies” ever rose up as undead.

By the time the 200 reached a major town, the army was waiting for them. Sadly, it was not nearly enough army and the zombies only lost 11 of their group while the soldiers lost 39. The town, though mostly evacuated, lost 476 people. The zombies began to spread out in groups of 20-30.

It took another 3 months to kill the rest of the zombies, including the 5 who made it all the way to Moscow and killed 298 people and caused many more to die in the ensuing panic. Russia was cut off from the rest of the world by both United Nations decree and the collapse of the government. It stayed cut off for two years, aside from humanitarian aid. To this day, the border with China is closed and is the most heavily guarded border on earth.

The EMP device that caused all this was lost and has not yet been found, despite huge rewards offered by many governments and the UN.

Junior Muskrat Buys A Snazzy New Hat

…with a feather in it

The Doclopedia #1,344

The Numbers: 42

Carol Miller was 42 when she was exposed to a strange gas that gave her the power to turn totally invisible. Nothing can detect her on any level, including sound, smell or weight. She can go anywhere she can find an open door or other form of entrance. Her clothing turns invisible with her.

Being a wife and a mother, Carol first used her powers to check up on her husband Phil (who proved to be totally loyal to her, but who does play air guitar to rock music when alone at home) and her 3 kids (who are now convinced that there can be no secrets from mom). She also picked up some juicy gossip from her neighbors.

After a month or so of that, however, Carol began to want to do more. In short order she exposed two corrupt town council members, gave police anonymous tips to several drug dealers, saved a few adults and kids from harm and rescued a bunch of lost animals. Since she is also possessed of a mischievous nature, she has also convinced a good number of folks that the old Gruber farm on the edge of town is haunted.

Thanks to some good “anonymous” investing advice, Carol & Phil are set up for an early retirement next year when they both turn 50. They plan on touring the country, during which time Carol will do some good things invisibly while Phil is off playing golf. Among their first stops will be Washington, DC. Carol has some big plans there.

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Scornful Titmice Chastised My Otter

…not that he really gave a fuck, because otter.

The Doclopedia #1,343

The Numbers: 15

15 years is the travel time, even using a Jump 7 Drive, to Yadoris 4, the outermost world of the Terran Empire. Few ships make the trip, which was initially done by the Independent Colony Ship “Maggie’s Mob”. The crew and settlers were mostly made up of disgruntled natives of Appillion 3 and Nelvas 5. lead by the infamous radical, Maggie Merks.

Since the colonists arrived on Yadoris 4, a total of 3 fully automated supply freighters have made the run there. No other humans or other species have wanted to make the trip. It is reported that the colony is now living in three megadomes (domes more than 5, but less than 10 miles across) and doing quite well. The domes are located close to each other on the northern continent, in the vast Plains of Arl.

The Terran Empire considers the colony to be “primarily self-sufficient” and “not a threat to internal stability”.

The Very Scary, But Delightfully Goofy, Story of Mostly Purple Patty And The Cat Who Thought He Was A Rabbit

…featuring Zelda, the very confused kitty

Holy Frijoles, it’s a brand new Doclopedia entry! (Note: Patreon backers get to see the next two early. Click the link below and you can, too.)

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

 

The Doclopedia #1,342

The Numbers: 6

The walled town of G’Tain has been attacked 6 times in the last year by rampaging herds of monstrously deformed thraks, no doubt the creation of some mad wizard up in the nearby Saraset Mountains. The Sarasets are home to many such wizards and they tend to get up to no good regularly.

These thraks are quite unlike the average riding thrak, being half again as large, covered in lumpy calcifications and filled with rage at the mere sight of the town. Oddly, they never attack the surrounding farms or homes and keep to the roads until the reach the town walls. Then, they just seem to go insane.

Each attack has been by from 20 to 36 thraks and have been fought off within an hour or so by archers, spearmen and the town mages. Thankfully, these monster thraks dissolve into nothingness upon death.

The G’Tain town council is now assembling a group of adventurers to go into the mountains and deal with whichever wizard is responsible for this.

 

CritterCon 10 Is Coming!

Just a heads up to y’all to let you know that the annual trip/con report for the totally fictional, yet still great fun, CritterCon 10, will be hitting this blog in August. Stay tuned for all the fun!

The “Holy Shit, We Nearly Missed Posting In June” Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Singing Echidna

…co-starring her second cousin, Clarence Philpot

 

How I Spent Christmas Eve, 2015
(A series of tweets)

Santa Claus just called and said he is gonna stop by for a quick visit. Cool!

Oh fucking swell! Santa just showed up and he’s shitfaced. I told him to just drink milk, not scotch! AIIIEEE!!! He’s pissing in the corner!

Okay, Santa has passed out and is sleeping it off on the Magic Bus. Head Elf Murray wants to know if I can fill in. Might as well. Ho ho ho!

The Girls and I are in the sleigh with about 900 elves. Grace has called Sally (Mrs. Claus), who is NOT amused with Drunk Santa.

Just FYI, Santa’s sleigh is bigger on the inside, too.

Time to go. Still an assload of toys to deliver. Sasha is amping up the hyperdrive on this thing. On Dasher, on…whoever. Let’s go!

To be fair to Santa, he’s only screwed up like this a few times over the millennia. Last time, his replacement was Winston Churchill. Still a couple of empty gin bottles rolling around here.

Kid wants parents that don’t fight all the time. Swapped out those two losers for a pair of androids. Will sell originals to an alien zoo.

Sorry, kid, but you can’t have a goddamn hippopotamus! Trust me, you’ll love the guinea pig I left you. #nohippos

Boy in African village wants more food and less war. Gave him a warehouse full of food and a half dozen Mark 9 SentryBots. Safest & best fed village in the world now.

Just gave a 10 year old girl a classic Fender Telecaster. She plugged it in and blew out the living room windows with her first chord. Was playing “Purple Haze” when we left.

This kid wants roleplaying games. Daisy and I hooked him the fuck up, baby. He’s got like, 3 pounds of dice to go with them. #geeksanta

This little girl wants power tools. Set her up better than the This Old House guys. Told her to build herself a fort.

Kid in France wants cheese. For fuck’s sake, kid, YOU LIVE IN FRANCE! Left him a box of crackers.

WOAH! This kid (age 12) is getting a Harley! It’s all disassembled, but still, Coolest. Present. Ever!

Silky was right behind Blitzen when he farted. Pretty sure her hair on that side will grow back out.

Pretty sure after tonight I’ll be crapping cookies and pissing milk.

14 year old boy just wanted “the best present ever”. Gave him two 17 year old girls. He may stop smiling before he turns 30.

Kid who was waiting up for me: “Are you Santa or just some old fart?

Me: “Yes!”

Two kids want a baby brother or sister. Zapped the parents with some sort of horniness inducing doodad Sasha has. (Note to self: Why is she carrying something like that around?)

Kid wants science toys. Sasha gave him a complete Lil’ Mad Scientist setup, complete with body parts to reanimate. Taught him the Mad Scientist Laugh, too. #madsciencerules

Poor kid only supposed to get one toy? Fuck that shit! Giving her the toys meant for a GOP Congressman’s kid. #redistributingwealth

Congressman’s kid got a lump of coal and pix of her dad accepting a bribe.

The magic dust that Santa uses to squeeze down chimneys? Turns out it makes you fart really loud. Sounds like Dueling Foghorns in here.

Wow! Some people do give their kids ponies for Xmas. How will I get them down a chimney? And who’s going to get that horse crap outta here?

Little girl in India asked for wings so she could fly. Couldn’t do that, so left her a jet pack.

Some asshole is trying to give his kid a bible for Xmas. Fuck that! I’ll give the kid the Harry Potter series AND a Dungeon Master’s Guide! And fuck it, I gave him a shitload of comics, too.

Over Russia now. Being targeted by MIGs. Sasha teleported the missiles to Putin’s summer home. Bet that won’t be on the news.

About to lose internet access here on the sleigh. Will report more later.

Dropped off last present. Everyone is cheering. Elves making plans to vacation in Australia. Silky poured me a beer.

Home now. Shaking off cookie crumbs and pine needles. Possibly a few reindeer turds, too.

I will note here that when Mrs. Claus came to pick up the much hungover Santa, she was not at all a happy woman #nomerryxmasforsanta

Time for sleep. Girls are already out like lights. Merry Christmas!

 

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Mr. Porkwaffle Creates Art

…quite by accident

 

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

 

As a gift to all you mothers out there, here are TWO Doclopedia entries!

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,340

Enchanted Household Items: Recliner Of Astral Travel


You remember how Doctor Strange can cause his astral form to leave his physical body and move around all over, including through solid objects? Well, this enchanted recliner will let you do the same thing. Just recline it all the way back, say the magical phrase that triggers it and you are out of your body and into the astral plane. You can fly around at ridiculously high speeds and pass through any solid object that is not enchanted against astral beings.

Please remember that if you stay on the astral plane for more than a couple of hours, returning to your body might be a bit difficult. You should also be aware that there are many creatures that live on the astral plane that would enjoy killing you and eating you. Try to avoid them.

 

The Doclopedia #1,341

Enchanted Household Items: Toilet Plunger Of Energy Draining

If you are being attacked, grab this plunger and press it against your attacker! Each time you do that, it will steal 25% of his/her energy. After 4 attacks, they fall down exhausted and will sleep at least 2 hours.

The plunger is only half as effective on the undead, but twice as effective on energy based creatures and robotic lifeforms. Effectiveness versus aliens is all over the map, so be careful.

Can also be used to unclog a toilet.

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Spanky The Wonder Squirrel

…don’t ask how he got his nickname.

 

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A Note From Your Humble Narrator

 

As you might have noticed, posts to this blog have been rather scarce these last couple of months. That’s because my shitty day job, for which I have to wake up at 4 in the morning to be at work by 6 for, has really been grinding me down. I have hardly any energy to do the more important things in life, let alone write.

I will try to increase my blogging output, but I can’t promise anything. Anyway, thank you all for your patience.

 

Doc

 

The Doclopedia #1,339

Enchanted Household Items: Doormat Of Truth


Any intelligent creature that stands on this doormat will tell the truth as long as they remain on it. This works for any intelligent creature, including aliens and the undead. Better yet, they will not even think that they shouldn’t be telling you the truth. It will just seen like the proper thing to do.

This item looks like an ordinary doormat made from recycled tire rubber. It says “Welcome” and has a butterfly and a canary painted on it. It shows very little wear.

 

Demon With A Glass Ham

…that doesn’t seem right

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Sasha's Bad Day, Part 3


After about 15 minutes of thinking nice thoughts about working in my lab or garage back 
home, Otto, my symbiotic ottopus, wakes up enough so that my brain can link with his and 
I can use his four free tentacles as my manipulative limbs. The raptors are still prowling 
around outside, so my only safe way out of this tunnel seems to be a cliffside crawl. 
Fortunately, my tentacles end in 6 smaller tentacle “fingers”, so climbing is very easy on 
anything short of smooth glass.

A quick look shows me that the cliff is rough enough for easy climbing, so I'm out the hole 
and 30 feet down the cliff before the raptors realize I'm gone. Now I just need to find a 
relatively safe place to stop and think.



The Doclopedia #1,338

Interesting Fish: The Giant Flying Fish


The Giant Flying Fish is a magically created version of the common member of the family 
Exocoetidae. Unlike it's smaller cousins, who average about 18 inches long and 2 pounds,  
the giant version can be up to 6 feet long and weigh 20 pounds. They can glide above the 
surface of the ocean for an average of 300 meters, but if the wind is right they may go twice 
that far.

The Giant Flying Fish cannot steer his gliding like the smaller versions do, so the glide path 
is always a straight line at speeds up to 20 miles an hour. Fishermen have been seriously 
injured by collisions with Giant Flying Fish.

Nobody knows why some wizard made these fish so huge, but the fact that they are delicious 
might have something to do with it.





Everybody’s Favorite Magic Duck

…Sammy!

 

The Doclopedia #1,337

Interesting Fish: The Five Spotted Groper

This warm water ocean fish weighs in at an average of 20 pounds and measures around 3 feet long. It is usually found in water no deeper than 30 feet around tropical islands. Aside from the five white spots along both sides of the body, the fish is a dull dark green color with a few specks of lighter green on the females.

The most noticeable thing about the Five Spotted Groper, and the thing that gives it the name “groper”, are the two 16 inch long tentacles that emerge from about 3 inches behind the gills. These tentacles are primarily used to probe the sand for smaller burrowing fish or invertebrates. However, if the fish encounters a human, as they often do near resorts, it will feel them so as to check for food. This can lead to fully grown humans jetting out of the water like a missile fired from a submarine. The fish just swim off, ignoring the cursing and screaming.

Mexican Jenny Had It All Figured Out

…or so she thought

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The Doclopedia #1,336

It’s A Trap!: In The Old West


“How the blue eyed hell did those lawmen get the drop on us? These hills are rough as a cob and we left town a good half an hour ahead of any posse. We had fresh…get up behind that boulder, Eli…fresh horses waitin’ for us and they still got here ahead of us! How the hell did…sonofabitch, they got Luis!

God damn it, we ain’t got bullets to waste like that, Charlie! Make them shots count! Looks like Tom is dead or dyin’, Frank. I sure wish I knew how that Sheriff Owens got ahead of us. You think he might of come down the creek on a raft or somethin’, Frank? Don’t seem likely, but that creek is swollen and runnin’ fast.

Well, I say we make a run for it through the canyon. Just you, me, Eli and young Will. Luis ain’t goin’ anywhere all shot up like that. Eli, yell to Will to get ready with the horses.

What do you mean he’s not there? And he took the horses? Well shit, at least we know how the law got ahead of us.”