Mr. Porkwaffle Creates Art

…quite by accident

 

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

 

As a gift to all you mothers out there, here are TWO Doclopedia entries!

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,340

Enchanted Household Items: Recliner Of Astral Travel


You remember how Doctor Strange can cause his astral form to leave his physical body and move around all over, including through solid objects? Well, this enchanted recliner will let you do the same thing. Just recline it all the way back, say the magical phrase that triggers it and you are out of your body and into the astral plane. You can fly around at ridiculously high speeds and pass through any solid object that is not enchanted against astral beings.

Please remember that if you stay on the astral plane for more than a couple of hours, returning to your body might be a bit difficult. You should also be aware that there are many creatures that live on the astral plane that would enjoy killing you and eating you. Try to avoid them.

 

The Doclopedia #1,341

Enchanted Household Items: Toilet Plunger Of Energy Draining

If you are being attacked, grab this plunger and press it against your attacker! Each time you do that, it will steal 25% of his/her energy. After 4 attacks, they fall down exhausted and will sleep at least 2 hours.

The plunger is only half as effective on the undead, but twice as effective on energy based creatures and robotic lifeforms. Effectiveness versus aliens is all over the map, so be careful.

Can also be used to unclog a toilet.

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Spanky The Wonder Squirrel

…don’t ask how he got his nickname.

 

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A Note From Your Humble Narrator

 

As you might have noticed, posts to this blog have been rather scarce these last couple of months. That’s because my shitty day job, for which I have to wake up at 4 in the morning to be at work by 6 for, has really been grinding me down. I have hardly any energy to do the more important things in life, let alone write.

I will try to increase my blogging output, but I can’t promise anything. Anyway, thank you all for your patience.

 

Doc

 

The Doclopedia #1,339

Enchanted Household Items: Doormat Of Truth


Any intelligent creature that stands on this doormat will tell the truth as long as they remain on it. This works for any intelligent creature, including aliens and the undead. Better yet, they will not even think that they shouldn’t be telling you the truth. It will just seen like the proper thing to do.

This item looks like an ordinary doormat made from recycled tire rubber. It says “Welcome” and has a butterfly and a canary painted on it. It shows very little wear.

 

Demon With A Glass Ham

…that doesn’t seem right

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Sasha's Bad Day, Part 3


After about 15 minutes of thinking nice thoughts about working in my lab or garage back 
home, Otto, my symbiotic ottopus, wakes up enough so that my brain can link with his and 
I can use his four free tentacles as my manipulative limbs. The raptors are still prowling 
around outside, so my only safe way out of this tunnel seems to be a cliffside crawl. 
Fortunately, my tentacles end in 6 smaller tentacle “fingers”, so climbing is very easy on 
anything short of smooth glass.

A quick look shows me that the cliff is rough enough for easy climbing, so I'm out the hole 
and 30 feet down the cliff before the raptors realize I'm gone. Now I just need to find a 
relatively safe place to stop and think.



The Doclopedia #1,338

Interesting Fish: The Giant Flying Fish


The Giant Flying Fish is a magically created version of the common member of the family 
Exocoetidae. Unlike it's smaller cousins, who average about 18 inches long and 2 pounds,  
the giant version can be up to 6 feet long and weigh 20 pounds. They can glide above the 
surface of the ocean for an average of 300 meters, but if the wind is right they may go twice 
that far.

The Giant Flying Fish cannot steer his gliding like the smaller versions do, so the glide path 
is always a straight line at speeds up to 20 miles an hour. Fishermen have been seriously 
injured by collisions with Giant Flying Fish.

Nobody knows why some wizard made these fish so huge, but the fact that they are delicious 
might have something to do with it.





Everybody’s Favorite Magic Duck

…Sammy!

 

The Doclopedia #1,337

Interesting Fish: The Five Spotted Groper

This warm water ocean fish weighs in at an average of 20 pounds and measures around 3 feet long. It is usually found in water no deeper than 30 feet around tropical islands. Aside from the five white spots along both sides of the body, the fish is a dull dark green color with a few specks of lighter green on the females.

The most noticeable thing about the Five Spotted Groper, and the thing that gives it the name “groper”, are the two 16 inch long tentacles that emerge from about 3 inches behind the gills. These tentacles are primarily used to probe the sand for smaller burrowing fish or invertebrates. However, if the fish encounters a human, as they often do near resorts, it will feel them so as to check for food. This can lead to fully grown humans jetting out of the water like a missile fired from a submarine. The fish just swim off, ignoring the cursing and screaming.

Mexican Jenny It All Figured Out

…or so she thought

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The Doclopedia #1,336

It’s A Trap!: In The Old West


“How the blue eyed hell did those lawmen get the drop on us? These hills are rough as a cob and we left town a good half an hour ahead of any posse. We had fresh…get up behind that boulder, Eli…fresh horses waitin’ for us and they still got here ahead of us! How the hell did…sonofabitch, they got Luis!

God damn it, we ain’t got bullets to waste like that, Charlie! Make them shots count! Looks like Tom is dead or dyin’, Frank. I sure wish I knew how that Sheriff Owens got ahead of us. You think he might of come down the creek on a raft or somethin’, Frank? Don’t seem likely, but that creek is swollen and runnin’ fast.

Well, I say we make a run for it through the canyon. Just you, me, Eli and young Will. Luis ain’t goin’ anywhere all shot up like that. Eli, yell to Will to get ready with the horses.

What do you mean he’s not there? And he took the horses? Well shit, at least we know how the law got ahead of us.”

The Slightly Late, But Nevertheless Pretty Darned Thrilling, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Pork Chop Of Doom

…co-starring her younger brother, Half Blue Harvey

The Doclopedia #1,335

It’s A Trap!: In A Castle

I’m kicking the door open! Grindfal, get a spell ready. Rolf, follow me inside the room. Sirina, you fill anything that isn’t Rolf or I full of arrows. Sister Blueberry, a blessing might be nice.”

“Oh, Great Mother, bless our little group against the goblins we think lurk in that room.”

<sound of door being kicked open way too easily>

“SHIT! It’s trolls! Two of them! It was a trap!”

<sound of trolls hitting adventurers…adventurers hitting trolls…arrows being fired…magic missiles hitting…assorted cursing>

OW! Great Mother above, I’ve been hit by an arrow. Look out! Goblins to the right!”

“Heal yourself, then Brann, Sister! Eat Arrows of Flesh Rotting, goblin scum!”

<insert much louder sounds of fighting…cursing…screaming (mostly in goblin)…roaring>

“Quick, quick! Up the stairs! I’ll hold them off with a fireball!”

“I’ve got ye, Brann! Let’s get away while them trolls burn.”

“Blessed Mother, please heal my wounded leg, then allow your humble servant to smite those fucking goblins with a weakness of the bowels.”

<insert sounds of fireball exploding…much roaring and screaming…running up stairs>

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Mysterious Spicy Tales Of Science Fiction Detective Horror

…they tried to cover all the bases

The Doclopedia #1,333

It’s A Trap!: In The Jungle

Okay, let’s assess the situation, shall we? That rat bastard Von Danigan told us the Temple of the Red Ape was in that last valley. He sold us a map and supplies and got us bearers. We trekked for 5 days through the hills and jungles and swamp until we got to where the map indicated, only to find not the Temple, but a damned large village of the Leopard People, who just happen to be fanatical killers of, well, everybody.

Having discovered that, we ran for our lives, barely keeping ahead of them. Sadly, it appears they have been herding us here to this clifftop where we have no place left to go except 250 feet down into that crocodile infested river. Does that about sum it up?

Yes, Miller, I can see that they’re getting closer. Yes, I’ve heard that they practice cannibalism. I’d rather not find out for sure. No, I think perhaps that you, Pickingham, M’Kenga and myself should just leap off the cliff.

Well of course we’ll probably die, Pickingham, but better to die in the fal and get eaten by crocs than let these bastards get us. Besides, that river is very deep and slow moving and we might just survive. Not sure if we should try to land on a croc or not. Probably not a good idea, but it would take a few out.

Anyway, gents, the Leopard People are within spear range, so on three! One…two…threeeeeee!”