The Tenderly Romantic, But Also Rather Sappy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Sausage Factory

…co-starring her neighbor, Mister Dinwiddy

The Doclopedia #1,351

Strange Bandanas: The Blue Tiger Striped One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

While the Blue Tiger Striped bandana has no strange powers, I did get it by a rather strange turn of events. I was in Macon, Georgia, in 1982, on business that we need not elaborate upon, when a young lady came running toward me screaming that the two rather tough looking men behind her were trying to kill her. As they got closer, I saw that they had an inhuman look to them, so I grabbed her hand and we ran away as fast as we could.

The two big goons were gaining on us when I pulled her into an alley. Telling her to hide behind a dumpster, I whipped off the bandana I had been wearing and put on another that allowed me to affect gravity in a small area. As the goons turned into the alley and advanced upon me, I switched gravity off under them.

I let them rise about 150 feet, then tripled gravity in the same spot. They hit the ground hard. I could hear bones breaking. They were still and unmoving, so I had the young woman come out of hiding. When I asked her what the hell those two were, she told me they were Orcs, hired to track her down and kill her by her cousin, who desired the throne of her kingdom. She explained that her world was in another reality and she had used a spell to get to our world. It seemed the Orcs had managed to get through the portal just before it closed.

She said the portal would reopen in a few hours, so I offered to buy her lunch. She was very charming company and was thrilled to eat her first hambuger. During lunch, she told me that her cousin would try to kill her again and that she could do little against her cousin, who was protected from all forms of magic and guarded by deadly Orc mercenaries. I asked her if the Orcs were very fast and how close could she get to her cousin. She said the Orcs were not really fast and she could get to within 30 feet of her cousin. I told her I might be able to help her.

For the next four hours, I showed her how to use a .357 magnum pistol that I just happened to have for personal protection. She was a quick learner and a good shot. When she left, she kissed me and gave me the bandana, which to this day smells like her.

It was many years later that my family and I took the Bus to her world (Earth 499-C) and heard the tale of how Princess Savimila claimed her throne and dispatched her evil cousin and four Orcs with a “Thunder Wand”. I never did find out if she ever used the extra 24 rounds I gave her.

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Chapter 883: In Which Our Hero, Heartbroken And Drunk, Still Manages To Con Three Frenchmen Out Of 1,000 Francs.

…of course, the Frenchies were drunk, too.

 

The Doclopedia #1,350

Strange Bandanas: The Hawaiian Print One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

Oddly enough, I got this lovely tropical print bandana in Hawaii, on Maui. It was sold to me by a roadside vendor who told me it would bring me good luck if I was near the sea. Boy, was she right! Two days later, on the beach near Hilo (on the Big Island), I found a 100 dollar bill! Since then, I have worn the bandana many times when I was near the sea.

Near San Diego, I stopped my car to look at some passing whales just before a 35 car pile up that I would have been in the middle of.

While at the beach in San Francisco, I found a guitar buried in the sand. Turned out to have belonged to Jerry Garcia, who lost it 20 years earlier. He rewarded me nicely.

At the beach in Oregon, I narrowly missed being struck by lightning!

And at a remote beach in Japan, I saw just the top of Godzilla’s head and his eyes break the surface. He looked around and then submerged. I left and took the first flight home.

The Incredible Adventures Of The Fabulous Four

…starring Daisy, Sasha, Luke & Silky

 

The Doclopedia #1,349

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: Lady Patience Stanton

Name: Patience Amanda Catherine Stanton
Age: 31
Profession: Monster Hunter

Her Guns: .45 caliber pistols, sawed off shotgun, stake firing airgun

Lady Patience has been hunting monsters since she was 16 years old, the same year the infamous Werewolf of York killed her sister and her fiance. Since then, she has dispatched vampires, demons, mummies, revivified corpses, even more lycanthropes and the odd witch. She is exceptionally good at what she does.

The ammunition that she uses varies depending upon the creature she is hunting. For werewolves, silver is always useful. For mummies, she uses a low powered round that ignites on contact with the air. For vampires, she uses small stakes blessed by the pope himself. Of course, for some monsters, the traditional lead slug works very well indeed.

Dogs And Hogs Writing Blogs About Frogs

…often in heavy fogs

The Doclopedia #1,348

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: Sherry DiNova

Name: Sherrylyn Alice DiNova
Age: 29
Profession: Dispenser of Justice

Her Guns: Matched pair of Sigorovich Mk X Dart Throwers

In the year 2120, Earth is ruled by megacorporations, corrupt military and police, crooked politicians and the propaganda of the media. The planet-wide ecosystem is in collapse and every year the weather kills millions of people.

In a last ditch attempt to change history, the crumbling Resistance sent Sherry DiNova into the past to eliminate those people that were responsible for the state of things in 2120. Armed with her full body armor, her pistols and a MakerBox to create ammunition, Sherry arrived in the year 1996 on New Year’s Day. She immediately began crossing names off her very long list. By January 3rd, 15 people were dead and certain scientists had information and tech that was a century ahead. Sherry had already changed the future, but there was still a long list of names to deal with.

Sherry prefers the Sigorovich Mk X Dart Throwers because they have Genius technology, superb balance and they can change ammo types with a thought. Her preferred ammo is the Pyroblast and the Dissolver, the latter releasing powerful enzymes that will dissolve an entire body in under 4 hours. As you can imagine by her favorite choices, Sherry likes to leave a mess behind. She finds that sowing terror in the corrupt and evil makes her job a whole lot more fun.

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

 

The Absolutely Crazy, Yet Still Totally Believable, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Strawberry Jam Incident

…co-starring her best old pal, Wendy Wheatgrass

 

Hot Damn, it’s more Doclopedia entries!

The Doclopedia #1,350

Fun Magic Spells: The Wall of Marshmallow Spell

This spell creates a wall up to 30 feet wide, 10 feet tall and 3 feet thick. As stated, the wall is made up of marshmallow. The outside is dry to the touch, but the interior is very sticky. Getting stuck to it will slow any creature to ¼ of their normal movement rate. If set on fire, the wall will burn and melt in under 3 minutes and will smell delicious.


The Doclopedia #1,351

Fun Magic Spells: The Spiked Water Spell

Casting this spell can cause up to 5 gallons of water to have the same effects as 80 proof alcohol when imbibed. The effects last for varying lengths of time on different individuals, races or species. The water tastes just like ordinary water and does not leave a hangover.

 

Carol Robinson, Mark A Schmidt, Loyd Blankenship and Derek Pearcy have all gotten to read & enjoy Patreon Backer Only content!

If YOU would like to read that same content, and more in the future, back this blog for as little as ONE DOLLAR a month. Or more, if you feel generous.

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

 

The Dancing Elks Present: Holiday Happenings On Ice

…how the hell do they dance on ice with those hooves?

A very quick post, just so y’all know I’m not dead.

The Doclopedia #1,348

Fun Magic Spells: The Following Fart Cloud

 

Cast this second level spell on someone and their next fart comes out as a noxious green cloud that follows right behind them at a distance of 2 feet. The spell lasts for 5 minutes.

 

The Doclopedia #1,349

Fun Magic Spells: The Merry Wanderers Spell

Cast this on any group of 2 to 6 humanoids and they will transform into a polka band and play a happy song before wandering off in a random direction for the next 30 minutes.

Mr. Porkwaffle Tries To Climb A Tree

…with very humorous results

 

CritterCon 10

Day Two

So last night, after watching two movies from Earth 1-D (Fall of a Jedi Knight: A Star Wars Story and Tarzan and the Jewels of Opar), most of us sat around talking until just after one in the morning. This explains why we all slept in until about 8 this morning and didn’t finish breakfast until 10.

(Silky: I crashed about 11:30. I’m getting too old for staying up late.)

(Sasha: I had to go check on some experiments and damned if I didn’t fall asleep in the lab.)

We had been north of Santa Cruz and only had to drive about three miles to the Hippie Museum, which, while not advertised as World Famous, damn well should be. Also, there is no force on Earth that could have kept Spike and Mary out of there.

(Daisy: I can’t think of a better roadside attraction for Auntie Mary & Uncle Spike. Or Silky and Daddy, for that matter.)


The entry fee to this hippie owned and operated establishment is either whatever cash you want to donate or canned food for the local food bank. Since our pantry is roughly the size of a WalMart, we donated a literal ton of food. Not only did this get us into the museum, it got us free t-shirts, free bumper stickers and hugs from the staff.

(Roxy: I thought those people were gonna poop!)

(Leon: They offered Uncle Doc & Uncle Spike some weed, too.)

The museum is chock full of photos, film, videos, writings, posters, clothing and other memorabilia of the late 60s to mid 70s. It was a real blast from the past, even for our younger members.

(Max: Man, I thought humans dressed strangely nowadays, but that’s nothing compared to the hippie attire.)

We spent over two hours there, and liked it so much we gave them another ton of food and bought a bunch more t-shirts and 9 bandanas.

(Leon: One of the ladies tried to give Uncle Doc a plate full of brownies, but he begged off citing a mass diet.)

Santa Cruz being what it is, our next stop was a mere mile away and the Human Roadside Zoo. Part theater, part fundraiser, this is another place that asks only for donations. When we got out of the bus, we saw several right wing groups protesting the place, so we knew we were going to like it, being a big old bus load of liberals. Confrontation was inevitable, I suppose.

(Daisy: Oh, Daddy, you live for shit like this.)

It seems the righties didn’t like how some of their ilk were being portrayed inside. They also didn’t like the big security guards inside, so that’s why the 15 or so of them were out on the sidewalk.

(Silky: So much for the courage of their convictions.)
(Leon: I’d say most of them had convictions for DUI.)

One dickhead in a MAGA hat and NRA t-shirt tried to stand in Grace’s way. This did not sit well with Daisy and when they guy started yelling at Grace about “UnAmerican Liberals”, Daisy told him to shut the fuck up and get out of the way. He turned toward her and poked her in the chest with his finger. He managed to get the words “Listen, little girl” out before 5’2” Daisy jumped up and kicked him square in the face, stretching him out on the pavement. Some woman, probably his wife, came at Daisy from behind and got an elbow in her plentiful stomach before getting slapped about 6 times.

(Roxy: Daisy is my hero!)

(Daisy: Do NOT mess with me or my family.)

Some young guy in neo-nazi attire looked like he might be going for a gun, so I sorta punched him in the throat. Twice. Turns out he was just going for a cell phone, probably to record the nasty old antifa hippies. My bad. I tossed his phone under the tire of a truck driving by.

(Sasha: You just know Daddy wanted to curbstomp that asshole, but the cops were coming.)

To avoid explaining things to the cops, Sasha neuralized the righties to start fighting each other. I reckon all of them got arrested.

(Sasha: Yeah, and I had every one of them assault a cop, too, for extra charges.)


The Human Zoo itself was interesting, with all of the stereotypes represented. You could see how the Trumpistas would have not liked many of them. We donated $50.00 as we were leaving. Outside, all the cops & protesters were gone.

By now it was after 1:30, so we all chowed down at a hotdog place, then wandered around downtown Santa Cruz for about an hour. Around 3:30, we got on the bus and drove about 10 miles to the Giant Jesus of The Coast.

(Luke: Dad was so excited!)

(Silky: Auntie Mary was pretty excited, too. I think Dad has got her hooked on Giant Jesuses.)

On the D. Cross Giant Jesus Rating Scale, this one rated as follows.

Size: 3 It was about 80 feet tall.

Climbability: 3, since you could only go up an outside stairway to a small deck encircling his waist.

Appearance: 8 Very lifelike looking, but with a bit of paint chipping due to the salt air.

Pose: 5 Pretty much your standard arms outspread to embrace the faithful pose

(Luke: I think Dad would faint if he found a Giant Jesus playing air guitar.)

Religiosity: 10 There was a small bible store at the base and about a dozen religious folks milling about there and up on the deck, ready to save souls.

All told, not a bad Giant Jesus, but not the best by along shot.

(Max: But he still took 35 pictures of it.)

It now being near 5 pm, we decided to take the bus to a campground down by Castroville, where we had a fine dinner prepared by Julia, then rested a bit before going to the Slide Room and trying out the new Slide Racing option. It was big fun, but after about an hour, everyone was pretty much tuckered out.

(Daisy: You’d be surprised how tied you get sliding around on your ass in the water at speeds up to 75 mph.)

So now it’s 11:00 and I’m heading to bed. More trip reportage tomorrow.

 

Destination Sign When We Started: Westeros
Destination Sign When We Stopped: Toad Hall

QM Radio Station: Alt. Country Meets Alt. Rock