The Fantastic Adventures Of Doctor Tempest In The Land Of Dreams

…from the August 1896 issue



The Doclopedia #990

Poultry That Saved The Day: The Chicken That Prevented They End Of Life As We Know It Genre: Humor, Science Fiction

The “Nine High Pitched Tones Followed By Three Very Low Tones” (closest approximation we can put in print) were a race with two very powerful, yet utterly conflicting, basic drives: Interstellar conquest & expansion and a paralyzing fear of confrontation with a race that might destroy them…or even hurt them. Taking that into consideration, you have to admit that the creation of the “Ultra Low Tone Held A Full Minute”, or ULTHAFM for short, was a stroke of genius.

You see, the ULTHAFM was a life form created from about a dozen other life forms. Once released upon and Class K through O planet, it would rest a few minutes while analyzing the DNA of several nearby species, then start consuming, absorbing them. This would continue until there were no native life forms of consequence (including bacteria & viruses) left on the planet. After that, the ULTHAFM would soon die, leaving a nice safe world for the NHPTFBTVLT to introduce an ecology of their choosing onto. Once the ecology was established, the cowardly aliens would settle upon the planet without the slightest bit of confrontation necessary.

They sent the ULTHAFM out in five small, yet very tough, asteroids about the size of a large automobile. After passing through an Earth-like atmosphere, a fist sized meteor would impact and the very tiny ULTHAFM would emerge.

Sadly, luck was not with the aliens, as the first two asteroids fell into stars, the third was destroyed along with the planet it landed on when a Sliivnovian Planet Eater wandered through that system, the fourth was sent off on a new trajectory by an impact with another small asteroid and the fifth, though able to make a successful impact, had it’s cargo eaten by a large Rhode Island Red chicken about 30 seconds after it opened.

You see, the ULTHAFM had the twin flaws of being totally defenseless and very small for the first 5 minutes after emerging. Thus, it could not survive being swallowed in one gulp by a hungry hen, then ground up in her crop. The ULTHAFM was utterly destroyed and, in a rather strange side effect, the chicken grew to twice her normal size. She won many first prizes at county and state fairs over the next few years.

As for the NHPTFBTVLT, they no longer exist. That fourth asteroid that got knocked off trajectory? It crashed back on their homeworld a year later. 90 years after that world had been cleansed of life, the planet was colonized by the Rooroovax, who pretty much turned the place into a humongous theme park.


Holy Guacamole, only 10 more Entries before I hit 1,000!