Milk For The Mongoose

…for his cornflakes

The Doclopedia #1,168

Murder By…: Books

Yes, YES, I killed her! I admit it and I’m glad I did she’s dead! It was always “I’m reading blah blah blah” or “So and so is doing a book signing” or “I’ve preordered such and such titles”. All she ever talked about were friggin’ books! 24/7 it was books, books BOOKS! It drove me mad, I tell you! MAD! Hahahahaha!

But I fixed her, yes I did! It was genius! I knew she’d be looking for the next book in her latest series soon, so I used it as the bait in my clever trap. She had thousands of books in that spare room, all stacked up from floor to ceiling. It took me three days to get them all stacked just exactly right. I made sure to put the largest and heaviest on top. Oh, it was a work of art, my trap!

Once it was set, all she had to do was pull out that one book and the rest would collapse on top of her! Even if she didn’t die instantly, she’d be covered up and crushed. Meanwhile, the day before she finished the book, I went out of town on a “business trip”. I was 300 miles away when she died! When I found out she was killed instantly, I was a bit disappointed. But I was FREE! Free of her constant yammering on about books! Hahahahaha!

But I didn’t know she had installed micro cameras all over the house because she was afraid of book thieves. Who the hell worries about book thieves? Oh, of course, SHE DID!

Large Hadrosaur Collider

…much messier than the other LHC

I got up this morning at 6:30 am. Obviously, I’ve lost my mind.

Today is “Start getting the veggie garden ready for fall veggie planting” Day. By the time I’m done, Compost Pile L-47 Delta (Codename: Mystic Hambone) will be at least doubled in size and I’ll have everything in place to start sowing seeds this weekend. I’m planning on planting spinach, lettuce, kale, radishes, garlic, onions, carrots, mustard greens, collard greens and peas. Yum yum!

Must go now. The Girls are demanding love and walkies. More bloggage later.

Doc Tempest And The Monster On The Moon

…from the September, 1999 issue

A Short Note To All Public Figures

Dear Rich & Powerful Men & Women,

Please read the following several times, take it to heart, then go on with your lives.


None! Nobody’s genitalia or bodily orifices are that good. God himself could not offer a piece of ass worth a grand! I don’t care if the object of your lust is so good they can suck a cock through the mail, they ain’t worth the big bucks. You are insane to pay that much for sex.

Thank you for listening,