Blue Petunia Waltz

…feel free to dance, y’all


I missed a few days due to being sick, so here are THREE Doclopedia entries.


The Doclopedia #1,491

Is This Your…: Hot Sauce?

Sir! Sir! You forgot your hot sauce! It was on your table when I went to bus it. Oh, no problem. People leave stuff behind all the time. Dragon’s Piss, eh? I’ve never heard of that brand, but the label looks homemade, so no wonder. No, no reward is necessary. Like I said, this happens all the time. You have a good day.”

“Man, Jimmy, that was an old dude. I’ve gotta admit though, he had mad cosplay skills. That outfit looked better than the stuff from Lord of the Rings. So, anyway, you ready? I had enough time before I ran after him to put 5 drops on each cracker. On the count of three, we pop the whole thing in our mouths and chew 10 times before swallowing. First one to drink anything is a wuss and has to take out the garbage all week.”



The Doclopedia #1,492

Is This Your…: Radio?

I’m asking, because we could hear it over in our yard and wondered what station was playing old time radio shows. We turned our radio on, but couldn’t find the station. Of course, your radio is way bigger than ours, so I guess it gets stations much farther. Is all that other stuff…okay.”

“Wow! That bit was pretty crazy. Some guys stuck in ancient Greece and there was a war going on? COOL! Will there be more of that show? I want to see if their guy at Mission Central send then the guns in time. Oh, okay, I need to go anyway. My dad is grilling burgers. Bye!”



The Doclopedia #1,493

Is This Your…: Crossbow?

Well, is it, ya stumpy dwarven bastard? My men and I are tasked with making sure that nobody brings weapons into our fair town. The Duke doesn’t like them.

So, it IS yours! Well, you won’t be so fuckin’ cocky when these four lads are beating you senseless before we drag your short ass off to jail. Go ahead, reach for it. They’ll be on you before…”

<Insert sound of swords piercing flesh and three bodies falling>

“I give up! Spare me! I don’t know anything. How dis you guys get past the gates with weapons? Please, spare me. Don’t kill…”

<insert sound of a crossbow firing>


Silence Of The Yams

…but, they are always silent

The Doclopedia #1,490

Is This Your…: Shoe?

It is? Okay. Yeah, I found it just back there by the old graveyard. At first, I thought maybe it was just some old shoe, ya know, because it looks like one of those old timey shoes and it’s dirty and stuff, but then I saw you with only one shoe.

I don’t mean to pry or anything, but are you an actor? I mean, your clothes look way out of style and you’re wearing makeup and, well, you look like you might be going to be in a horror movie or something. Or are you doing Vampire cosplay? Or a LARP? My former girlfriend was big on Vampire LARPing.

Dude, you look hungry. Would you like some of this cheesy garlic bread? I got way to much at Antonelli’s and I have them put extra garlic… Hey, why are you running off? Dude?


Chapter 329: In Which Our Hero Tickles A Wench And Makes Saucy Comments To A Nun

…the nun was not amused


The Doclopedia #1,489

Is This Your…: Cat?


I’m just asking because you have several cats, Mrs Fenster, so I thought you might have a new one. I mean, he comes over to my house every night and I feed him, but I used to do that with your one cat, Sonny. I liked Sonny.

Yeah, he is pretty, isn’t he? I’ve never seen an orange cat with black spots before. He’s got strange colored eyes, too. He’s a big guy. Must weigh 15 pounds or so. Funny, because he eats mostly fresh vegetables and only a little bit of tuna. He likes coffee, too.

Yeah, I know I look tired. I’ve been sleeping 8 or 9 hours, but I still wake up tired. It’s been going on maybe two weeks now, about the same time as I found this cat outside my door. I have these strange dreams about soldering wiring and gathering up electronic parts and chemicals. And welding, too, even though I don’t know how to weld. I’m lucky my job as a security guard lets me catch a nap or two during the day.

Noises from my garage at night? Huh. Couldn’t be me, I’ve been going to bed early. Maybe I left the radio on out there. Or maybe it’s the aliens from that UFO the cops say they saw a couple of weeks ago. Hahaha! Yeah, I think they were smoking weed, too.

Well, if this isn’t your cat, I’ll just hold onto him for a couple…or maybe 7…more days. Thanks anyway, Mrs Fenster.