The Cupcake Elves Use Their Powers For Evil

…Mmmmm, evil cupcakes

 

The Doclopedia #985

It Came From The Garden!: Buford’s Big Melon Genre: Humor

It was early August of 1953 when Buford Oakley packed up the biggest watermelon from his garden and headed off to the Texas State Fair. The melon in question was a 30 pounder and looked pretty damned perfect to Buford. He had elevated it up on a special rack he had built so the sun could reach all parts of the melon and remove that yellow spot most watermelons had from sitting right down on the ground. The seeds were from an old heirloom variety that had been in Buford’s family for right about 120 years. Yes sir, this melon was a prize winner!

Well, to make a long story shorter, Buford won First Prize at the fair. Now, that not only got his picture in the newspapers and interviews on TV, it got Buford a cash prize of $1,000.00 dollars! Happy as a hog in mud, Buford headed back home. The watermelon? Oh, they sliced that bad boy up and ate it after the prize was awarded. Many of the folks who ate a slice saved the seeds, including Buford. In later years, many of those seeds ended up as prize winning melons.

You might think that’s the end of the story, but is sure ain’t, no sir. See, when Buford was about 50 miles from home, he stopped at a little cafe for some lunch and that’s where he met Dolores, a waitress and just about the cutest little old gal Buford had ever seen. Well, before you know it, they were keeping steady time together and after about a year, they up and got married.

That still ain’t the end of the story. See, when Buford got home, he used some of his prize money to fix up that old ’41 Ford flatbed truck that he’d inherited when his Uncle Hank passed on. Got it painted up and had side racks built and started up a junk hauling service, Buford did. Made good money, too, mostly from fixing up other people’s junk and reselling it. By the time he and Dolores welcomed young Buford Jr. into the world, they were doing real well, financially. Over the years, they expanded the business and moved into a real nice house and sent all the kids off to college.

Buford passed away at the age of 102 and the family had his headstone made to look like a big watermelon. Buford would have liked that.

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The Doclopedia #986

It Came From The Garden!: Mutant Walking Onions Genre: Humor, Science Fiction

Let’s just get it straight right off that we are not talking about the ordinary species of walking onion, Allium ×proliferum. Well, we are, but only because it was used in a genesplicing experiment that got a bit out of hand when a flood destroyed the lab and released these mutant plants into the outside world.

Now a common sight in much of North and South America, these 3-4 foot tall plants move along at a slow walk using half a dozen thickened and modified roots. The remaining roots behave as they do on normal plants. The onions have primitive visual receptors and are sensitive to sound. They reproduce by dropping bulblets into moist rich soil in the early fall.

Recently, it has been proven that Mutant Walking Onions develop a rudimentary intelligence when found in groups of 200 or more. Research is still being done on this.

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Liquid Metal Laser Cats

…because regular Laser Cats aren’t strange enough

The Doclopedia #982

 It Came From The Garden!: Garfoon, The Living Bean Vine      Genre: Science Fiction, Humor

For three million years, the tiny meteorite that held the consciousness of Garfoon, Master of Worlds, lay just a few inches under the soil that would one day become Herbie Foble’s vegetable garden. Then, one night in early spring, lightning struck nearby and the jolt freed Garfoon. Quickly entering the nearest living thing, a two foot tall “Kentucky Wonder” green bean vine, Garfoon caused it to grow at a rapid rate. When Herbie checked his garden the next morning, he had just enough time to think “Wow, that bean vine is really growing!” before Garfoon wrapped around him and ate him.

Soon, after eating several dozen other folks and a few stray dogs & cats, Garfoon was 90 feet tall and laying waste to the town. Bullets had no effect on the creature, nor did fire or explosives. Every time he was attacked, he would just laugh and say that soon he would rule our tiny planet. By the time the Air Force started trying to bomb him, he was 400 feet tall and seemingly unstoppable.

Then, Garfoon heard that the military was developing an anti-matter ray out on Catalina Island. Knowing that anti-matter just might kill him, he hurried to California and then started wading into the ocean towards Catalina.

When he was about two miles out Garfoon began to feel strange. The salt water was quickly killing his vegetable form! Soon, roaring in agony, Garfoon died, unaware of the clever ruse that the military had used to lure him to his death.

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The Doclopedia #983

It Came From The Garden!: The Haunted Rake      Genre: Fantasy, Humor

The old wizard lay dying. His apprentices made him as comfortable as possible, but at 863 years old, he had finally reached the end of his life. Calling his favorite apprentice to him, he started telling her how much he had enjoyed the twin delights of his life: magic and gardening. Asking if he might hold his favorite rake just one last time, the apprentice had it brought to him and he held it lovingly. Five minutes later, he was gone.

Time passed and the young apprentice became a Wizard in her own right. She, too, enjoyed gardening and often used the old rake, since it always seemed to be nearby when she needed it. After several centuries, she died, too.

Some time after her death, a plague caused the Wizard’s home and most of the nearby countryside to be abandoned, a state that persisted for over 50 years. When people did resettle the area, it was a young noble and his wife who moved into the Wizard’s home.

Unfortunately, both the noble and his wife were brainless twits who only cared about climbing the social ladder, They began “modernizing” the house and turning the admittedly overgrown landscape into a large lawn on which they could hold parties.

They were scarcely a month into renovations when several workmen complained that they had been struck about the head & shoulders by a rake that somebody had thrown at them. The nobleman gave everyone a stern talking to and then went about his business. The next day, he stepped on a rake…in his bed chambers!…and the handle few up and broke his nose! More stern talk were given and then everyone got back to working.

Two days later, at sundown as the workmen were getting ready to go home, the rake appeared again, but this time it was glowing an eerie blue color and howling like a banshee. It flew around whacking and scratching and poking people, including the nobleman, his wife and Count Zankowitz, who was their dinner guest. When the rake started shooting out lightning bolts, fireballs and fear spells, everyone got the hell off the estate at a fast run.

There were 38 attempts to get rid of the haunted rake over the next two years and not a one of them worked. Eventually, the estate was sold to a pair of young wizards who moved in and almost immediately put in a large vegetable garden. The haunted rake was never heard from again.

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The Doclopedia #984

It Came From The Garden!: The Tomato Baby     Genre: Modern Fantasy

The Moon family was big, with six children, two dogs, two cats and a Scarlet Macaw named Jimmy. They lived in a nice house with a nice yard and a big vegetable garden out back. Their neighbors liked them and Mr. Moon would often cook up a bunch of Korean food and invite the neighborhood over.

One year, the littlest Moon, 4 year old Hannah, noticed that one tomato in the garden kind of looked like a baby. The rest of the family took a look and allowed as how yes, it did kind of look like a baby. Hannah dubbed it “The Tomato Baby” and went out to check on it every morning.

After about two weeks, the tomato really began to look like a baby! And it was a big tomato, maybe 5 pounds! The family was amazed and Mrs. Moon called the local television station, who came out to do a story on it. The neighbors thought it was pretty cool.

By the time another two weeks had passed, the Tomato Baby was bright red and weighed 20 pounds. When Hanna checked it one day, it had fallen off the vine and was crawling around and making baby noises! She told her family and they decided that, tomato or not, they couldn’t let a baby just crawl around the yard, so they brought it inside.

Once again, the television station ran a story and so did the newspapers. Soon, people where coming from far and wide to see the Tomato Baby. Science could not explain him (for the Tomato Baby was a male) and the church men didn’t know what to make of him, especially after he peed tomato juice down the front of Reverend Morgan. This didn’t bother the Moons, who were becoming very attached to the little guy, whom they named Buddy.

Eventually, things settled down and Buddy was pretty much treated like any baby, although he did pee tomato juice and poop tomato seeds. As the next few years went on, the Moons noticed that the color of Buddy’s skin was getting lighter and he was finally growing hair and before you know it, he was 4 years old and a real human child and Korean, just like the rest of the Moons. They had a big party to celebrate and the television people and the newspaper people and magazine people came to do stories. The science folks couldn’t explain it and the religious men had long since given up and the Moons and their neighbors didn’t care one way or the other. They all loved Buddy Moon, the Tomato Baby.