There’s No Stopping Mrs. Wangdoodle!

…she’s on a roll
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The Doclopedia #1,712

It’s In The Bag!: The Bag Of Holding

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Korvic: This taking way too long, Atilda.

Atilda: Spells of Detecting take a few minutes. I told you that already.

Wado: It’s a bag of holding, I tell ya. I’ve seen a dozen of them.

Korvic: And how many did you steal?

Wado: Seven. No, wait, it was 8. I stole one off a drunken pimp in Ekarris once. Damn thing was full of cheap wine and fake jewelry.

Mantino: That’s what happens when one sinner steals from another.

Wado: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, that’s a…

Atilda: Bag of holding! The magic of it is strong.

Korvic: That probably means it’s big inside. Good! Now I have someplace to store this second suit of Dwarven plate mail.

Wado: So let’s dump it out and see what’s inside. These ruins have been slim pickings so far.

Mantino: I think we should exercise caution. There could be volatile potions in there.

Wado: Uh, yeah, right. Didn’t think of that.

Atilda: Alright then. I’ll just loosen the drawstring while it lies on this table and we’ll have a look inside.

Wado: SHIT! Trolls!

Atilda: AIIEEE!

Korvic: Taste steel, you green bastards!

Mantoni: Mother of Durx, how many more are there?

Atilda: Fireball!

Wado: NOOOO!!! The room is too sma…
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The Doclopedia #1,713

It’s In The Bag!: The Camo Bag

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I’m sorry, Randi, I just…”

“You just tossed out a camo print bag holding 7 million dollars in cash and diamonds worth another 300 million. You tossed it out 2 minutes ahead of schedule into a goddamn forest full of green undergrowth. From a helicopter doing 120 miles an hour. THAT’S what you did, Jenny!”

“I know, I got my cues wrong. I’m sorry.”

“We had to land early in a fucking swamp. Then we had to hike our asses back to this very general area to search for the bag that is gonna be hard as hell to see now and impossible to see once the sun goes down in a few hours. And then there’s Mabel and her goons waiting for us, while Parson’s and his guys are now putting the word out on us and offering a big reward. We are totally fucked here.”

“I…I think this is the same creek I saw as I tossed it out.”

“It had fucking better be. Terri, Kim, you start heading upstream. Jenny, you and I will head downstream. Anne, you spiral out from here and head back to the chopper about half an hour before dark. If we don’t find it by then, we’ll fly outta here and hole up near Lone Pine for a few days, then come back and search some more. I just hope there isn’t a fucking forest fire any time soon.”

 

Moon Juice And Starlight Pie

…sounds pretty elfy to me.
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The Doclopedia #1,710

It’s In The Bag!: The Doggy Poop Bag

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Honey! HONEY! You’ve gotta see this! Look here, in the poop bag. Yes, that’s dog poop but look at it. Yeah, those are gold nuggets! No, they weren’t on the ground where he shit. It just came out like that. Grab the hose so I can wash away the shit.

Look at that! Seven nuggets the size of peas. Hmmm, that’s maybe an ounce and a half, about $1,500.00! No, no. Where the hell would he have been to eat them. I mean, they could have been in his guts for months, but I doubt it. No, I don’t…woah, he’s pooping again! Must have been that big breakfast he had this morning.

Oh hell yes! 4 more nuggets! Skippy, you good boy, you are getting lamb stew for dinner!”
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The Doclopedia #1,711

It’s In The Bag!: The Chain Mail Dice Bag

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First found at Big Com 7 in 1987, this medium sized dice bag is made of copper with a red velvet lining. It contains the following dice, in red, black and green sets., with no success

6 D20s
3 D12s
6 D10s
3 D8s
24 D6s
3 D4s

Ralph Nemmer, the first gamer to fing the bag, found it on the first day of the con in a side hallway. He spent the whole con trying to find the owner, with no success. Ralph took the bag home and did not use the dice inside until 3 months later when he misplaced his regular dice bag. He grabbed the chainmail bag and went off to his D&D game.

The dice were very kind to Ralph that night. He rolled a record 12 critical hits and succeeded with every roll he made. When his fellow players and the GM started to ask him questions about the dice, he let them roll them. They rolled ordinary rolls that fell well within normal expectations. Then Ralph rolled and got nothing but great rolls.

After the game was over, they spent 2 hours rolling the dice and discussing how Ralph found the bag. In the end, they concluded that the bag was either haunted or magical. Thus was the legend of the Chain Mail Dice Bag born.

Ralph missed Big Con the next year, opting instead to go to Dungeon Con 10. We walked into the con with the dice bag in his hip pouch, but when he went to look for it, it was gone.

It was found 2 months later at Girl Gamer Con 2 by Cathy Barnes. She lost it 10 months later when she went to Euro Big Con 4. So far, the Chain Mail Dice Bag has been lost and found 12 times. It is always found in an out of the way spot at a con and lost at the next con it is taken to. Oddly, former owners of the bag are either never around to claim it or do not want it back. The only gamer who ever did get it back from a finder had terrible die rolls with any dice he used until he gave it back.

Module E-1: Escape From The Castle Of The Vampire

…for characters level 5-7
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The Doclopedia #1,708

It’s In The Bag!: The Body Bag

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It had been a long night for Tony and Leon. They had done 3 car crashes, a shootout between two rival gangs and an old dude who had been sick a long time, but had apparently been suffocated by his wife. Busy night, for sure. At this rate, the morgue might have to start using the secondary cooler.

Tony and Leon had seen a lot of strange shit in their years driving the meatwagon, but this last one took the prize. According to the old farmer who had called it in to the cops, a “huge green monster” had fallen out of the sky and crashed in his back field. There was no doubt something had hit, because there was a 20 foot wide, 6 foot deep crater. The thing was, the body in the crater was no huge green monster, it was a normal looking guy.

The medical examiner couldn’t get to the scene, because one of those earlier accidents had stopped traffic for miles, but he told the cops on scene to just bag the body and bring it in. So, Tony went into the crater along with Leon and Sgt. Velasquez to get things done.

Velasquez told them that this was some strange shit, because the body looked unharmed and was still pretty warm. That creeped Leon out, but Tony said maybe the guy fell into the crater after it was made and died. Leon thought that sounded right.

The body was warm and showed no signs of rigor. It wasn’t breathing, so it must be dead, but damn, it was strange. The male was maybe 5’10”, 150 pounds, wearing no shoes and just a pair of purple pants that looked too large for him.

They slipped the body into the bag and carried it to the truck. Once it was inside, they went back to exchange paperwork with Velasquez. A few minutes later, they headed back to the truck and got ready to leave. As was his habit, Leon unzipped the body bag about 2 inches and put the paperwork, now inside a ziplock bag, halfway into it. Then they started heading back to the morgue.

They were taking a road through the country around town because traffic was still a nightmare. Leon was talking about buying donuts on his way home when, from behind them, they heard a body bag unzipping and a panicked male voice ask “Where the hell am I?”

That caused Tony to lose control, sending the truck into a ditch where it fell over on it’s side. Both Tony and Leon were knocked unconscious.

When they woke up about 5 minutes later, the body in the purple pants was gone. They spent the next several hours answering questions first from the cops, then the FBI, then some Army guys. Finally, there was a breaking news story on tv about some huge green monster in purple pants tearing up Dallas. At that point, the Army and the Feds left and the cops told Tony and Leon to go home. .
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The Doclopedia #1,709

It’s In The Bag!: The Tiny Silk Pouch

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In 1961 Reno Gibbons, a notorious jewel thief, stole the “Eye of Ishtar” diamond. The diamond was on display at the San Francisco Museum of Fine Art and Reno took off with it at 12:14 in the morning on a Saturday night.

Unfortunately for him, his getaway car was not waiting for him. It seems his girlfriend, Nancy Oliver, had found out that he was goung to dump her and leave the country with the diamond. At 9:20 the previous evening, she had ratted him out to the cops.

Still, Reno got past the cops and into Golden Gate Park, where he eluded them for 3 hours. When he left the park and ran onto Fulton Street, he must have thought that he was going to get away. Sadly, he was his by a drunk driver and killed instantly. Four police officers saw the accident and were on the scene in seconds.

After an hour of searching Reno’s body, the drunk, his car and the area around the accident, the police had to admit that Reno did not have the diamond on his person when he left the park. He must have hidden it somewhere.

Over the next three weeks, the park was closed off to the public while hundreds of police officers, FBI agents, dogs, trackers and scientists searched for the diamond, or even the tiny blue silk pouch it was placed in each night. They never found either item.

When the park re-opened, the public swarmed in to hunt for the diamond, which had a 2 million dollar reward out. Despite several false alarms and a couple of hoaxes, the diamond was never found.

As of this writing, December 2109, 58 years have passed without anyone finding the diamond, or at least announcing they have. Despite using all of the latest technology of every decade, not a trace of that tiny silk bag and it’s contents has been found.
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It’s All Fun & Games Until Somebody Wakes Up The Golem

…and then you can’t find the right rabbi

The Doclopedia #817

It’s In The Bag!: The Silk Pouch

You…you’re Sally Smithfield? Heh…I thought you’d be taller. Huh, what? Oh, Conrad…Orville Conrad. But..*cough, cough*…that’s not important. No, not enough time for an ambulance. Those Nazi bastards got me good. Now you listen, Sally. You’ve gotta…*cough, cough, cough*…get this to Doc Tempest. Nazis want it real bad…came from a dig in Turkey…Dr. Jones said Doc would know about it. Be careful…*cough,cough*…Germany has spies all over…really want what’s in that little bag…it’s really strange, ya know? Ya look at it…and…kinda get all dreamy. *cough, cough* Hope Dr. Jones is ok. Sally, could you tell…wife…Virginia…that I love her…and…BEHIND YOU!”

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The Doclopedia #818

It’s In The Bag!: The Suede Dice Bag

Yes, it’s the real deal, the dice bag that belonged to the King of Dice, the greatest roleplaying gamer ever! No, doofus, I’m not talking about fucking computer RPGs, which aren’t really roleplaying games, I’m talking about sit at the table and roll dice roleplaying games”

You’ve never heard of the King of Dice? Christ, where have you been? He was the guy who could make the dice do everything but sing & dance. Chris and I were there at UltraCon when he rolled SIX critical hits in a row USING THE GM’S OWN DICE! Remember that, Chris? Shit, man, it was the talk of the gaming world for, like, six months. Caused a huge flame war in the fanzines.”

Well, they say that really early in the hobby, the King got screwed over by the guys at SRT Games and decided that someday he get revenge. He wasn’t the King then, just some gamer that submitted a series of adventures to SRT and ended up getting them stolen by them. He had no copies or anything, so he could never prove it, but the company was known to buy freelance stuff really cheaply and not credit the authors when it got published.”

So the King spends like, two or three years just rolling dice and memorizing rules, so he can come back and make a big splash. What? No, I don’t think anybody ever knew his real name. Wally said the King completely changed how he looked and shit. New ID, moved to another state, the whole deal.”

Anyway, when the King did turn up, it was at WizardCon and he and his crew won 3 different RPG tournaments. They hit about a con a month for the next 5 years, building up a legend. Dude, people would go to cons just to watch him and his crew kick ass on the toughest & most creative Game Masters out there. I heard he even made Walter “The Warlord” Paulson cry after they shot through his “Dungeon of Certain Doom” in two hours flat with only minimal wounds.”

Now, after five years of this stuff and gamers talking shit about how great the King is, it comes down to DiceCon 1994 and a showdown between George Gervin, the Grandfather of RPGs and the King. But see, Gervin and SRT try to rig the game. The King has to use the dice they provide and his dungeoneeering party will be made up of five random gamers chosen by the luck of the draw. You’d think this might suck, but the King was cool with it.”

The game started at noon with an 8 hour run and only three bathroom/food breaks of 10 minutes each. It was a totally killer three level dungeon and the King lost two characters from his party in the first hour. After that, the King started quoting old, but never rescinded rules, which is pushing Gervin’s buttons pretty effectively. All the while, the King is rolling great numbers like he’s on fire. Better yet, he must have given some quick pointers to his team, because they’re rolling well, too.”

But finally, it comes down to the king and one other player, both of their character’s badly wounded. They’re on the third level, final room and this huge sleeping demon is about to wake up and destroy the world. Between him and the King is like, 300 screaming Death Trolls. The King’s only chance is to hit that demon with an Arrow Blessed By The Gods and it’s like a 700 foot shot. Gervin is sweating like a pig, because his cred as the baddest GM around is slipping away. The crowd is afraid top breath, but the King is just smiling, even though his Fire Arrow skill has 9 penalty points on it and the game will stop in 2 minutes!”

That’s when the King says that his character is pulling out several magical items, all SRT approved for this game, and he quotes one of Gervin’s famous proclamations about how certain magical items can enhance each other and next thing you know, he has a plus 5 BONUS to his Fire Arrow skill! Then he rolls the dice with TEN FREAKING SECONDS TO GO and it’s a critical hit!”

Gervin and the SRT team just got up and left, but the entire con went nuts! After he signed about 300 autographs, the kid pours out his dice bag, gives a couple of dice to each of his players, tosses the rest out into the crowd and tells a guy from the charity auction to sell it. Then he walked right out of the con and nobody ever saw him or his crew again.”

I bought the dice bag off of zBay for a big wad of dough, but dude, it was worth it. Oh, and here’s where the story gets interesting. Two days later, at the con, the SRT folks are going to announce how Dungeoneering & Dragonfire will have a new, totally cool second edition coming out. They needed it, since the company was in deep financial crap. They spent big bucks on all the promo and told us it would be out by Xmas. They even took pre-orders and had mock up pages for us to look at. Problem is, they never put out that great edition. Instead, they put out a very rushed version that was total shit. Why? Well, rumor has it that during the Gervin VS King battle, somebody broke into their offices and stole all the computer files, artwork, fucking everything needed to get the second edition out. So yeah, the rushed version blew and there were lawsuits and returns and company infighting and by the next year, almost everyone was fired and the company was sold to some guys from California. Gervin sort of became a recluse and I heard the the main Brand Manager is now managing a Taco Bell in Lansing, Michigan.”

But the final cool part? That company that bought SRT? They released a new edition of the game just three months later! Layout and art were different and things were worded differently, but it was that same great edition we all saw in 1994. They said they had found the allegedly stolen files in a broom closet, but you know, there are a whole bunch of gamers who remember that the King’s regular gaming crew were nowhere at the con during the Great Battle.”

Primitive Peonies Polluted My Poppies

…now my poppies must try to live with that

 

The Doclopedia #816

It’s In The Bag!: The Burlap Sack

Lem! Lem! Oh Lordy, Lem, you gotta see this! It’s a piece off one of them outer space ships like they write about in them magazines down at Foster’s Store! I seen the ship an’ the little gray fellers what was in it, Lem, gospel truth!”

Alright, alright. Let me catch my breath, Lem, an’ I’ll tell ya the way it happened. Whew! I done run here clean from Swampy Bottom, where I seen it all. Whew! Thanks, cousin, I am right parched after that run.”

Well, ya see, I was down there in Swampy Bottom lookin’ fer reeds that Grandma can use fer weavin’ an’ I come around that big old boulder on the north side an’ I seen this shiny silvery thing that looks like a giant pie tin turned upside down. It musta been pert near 75 feet across an’ a good 15 feet high at the center. There was lights blinkin’ an’ it was makin’ a soft hummin’ sound kinda like a cat purrin’. There was pieces of it layin’ hither an’ yon an’ them little gray fellers was workin’ busy as bees tryin’ to put it back together. Them little fellers wasn’t more’n 4 feet tall an’ they was bald headed smooth as an egg an’ had big ol’ eyes like a bug. Their arms an’ legs was real skinny an’ their fingers was too long to look proper. At first, I thought they was nekkid as jaybirds, but if that was so, it woulda meant they didn’t have nothin’ , you know, down there. Turn out they was wearin’ real tight pajama things.”

So I’m standin’ there, so skeered I cain’t move an’ my ol’ heart is fittin’ ta bust clean outta my chest, an one o’ them spacemen turns an’ sees me! He gives out this screechy noise an’ I yell an’ then another o’ them points a hunk o’ pipe at me an’ I fall over on my back, stiff as a board. I could see an’ breath and hear an’ such, but I could nary wiggle a toe! Then they all come over an’ looked at me an’ talked in some buzzyquacky noise an’ then they all run off an’ a few minutes later that spaceship lifted up in the air an’ it was all a’glowin’ an’ then it took off straight up faster’n anythin’ I ever did see. Right ’round a minute later, I could move agin’.”

Well sir, I jumped up an thanked the Lord an’ started runnin’ but I tripped over this here piece of that spaceship. I reckoned I oughtta bring it back, lest y’all think I had gone plumb crazy, so I tossed it in this here sack and started in to runnin’. So now you’ve seen it, so we both know I ain’t makin’ up stories. Ain’t it somethin’ to see? Lookit them blinkin’ little lights. Yeah, it does seem awful light for it’s size, for sure. I reckon them spaceships need to be real light to go that fast.”

Nope, got no idea what I’ll do with it. Reckon I could try to sell… Well, hey there, Jody! Come on over here an’ take a look at… What? Army fellers down near Swampy Bottom? Oh, good lord, this ain’t gonna go well fer me.”

Interesting Facts About Birds

…titmice are not mice and they have no tits

 

The Doclopedia #815

It’s In The Bag!: The Black Plastic Garbage Bag

Oh my lord! Jimmy Eversol, you scared five years growth off of me! Hon, you need to cough or something when you walk up behind a person. Oh there, it’s ok. You just startled me. How are you doing today? And your mama, is she still nursing that cold? Well, you tell her I said to keep drinking lots of that lemon water.”

Oh, why thank you, but I can handle this bag myself. Oh, no, no…well, ok then. Thank you. Uh, yes, it was pretty heavy, wasn’t it? Yes, I’d say nearly 75 pounds. Yes, I triple bagged, too. Oh, just old things from the freezer in the garage. Mostly old, umm, elk meat that Ted let get all freezer burned. No good any more. Couldn’t even get Champ to eat it. Heh heh.”

Oh, ahh, no, Ted didn’t take his truck up to the elk lodge this year. Something was wrong with the engine and he didn’t think it could make the 400 mile trip all the way up there. He got a ride with his friend, Ollie Withers, this morning around 4:30. As always, they’ll be gone a whole week.”

Champ? Oh, well, Ted didn’t take him this year because the poor old dog was, umm, sick from eating something. Oh, no, he’ll be ok. In fact, I’ll be leaving in a few minutes to take him to the vet. And, well, umm, then we’re going to go visit my cousin Ellie, who lives down near Provo. Haven’t seen her in a couple of years.”

Why, of course you can ask me something, Jimmy. You go right ahead. Oh, oh, so you could hear that last night? Oh, well, Ted and I did have a little argument last night, but it was mostly just us blowing off steam about little things. We must have gotten pretty loud, eh? Oh, your window was open? Well, it was a nice night, wasn’t it? Anyway, we yelled a bit and then just stopped talking. You’ll find out how it is some day when you get married.”

Oh, well, thank you for moving the garbage can onto the curb. I had forgotten that they started picking up early. Well, I’ve got to get going to the airpo…I mean, vet’s office. After that, Champ and I have a long way to go. You have a really good day now, Jimmy, and thank you for your help. Bye now!”

Tune In Next Week For…The Adventures Of Aircat!

…sponsored by Cat’s Deli

 

The Doclopedia #813

It’s In The Bag!: The Brown Paper Bag

Now listen, Eddie, cos this is real simple. You an’ Tony are gonna get in his car and drive out to Long Island to the address I give you. When you get there, you give this Dr. Sindawal guy the bag and he gives you a briefcase full of money. Then you come back here, give me the case, we all go in and hand it over to Big Sammy and he gives each of us two grand, bada bing. Simple shit, right? OK!”

Now, there’s a couple of things I’ve gotta tell ya here. Do not open the fuckin’ bag, no matter what. I don’t give a fuck if your fuckin’ legs are on fire, you don’t open the bag. You got that? Good. Now, you also gotta keep it away from water, so no drinkin’ anything on the ride over, cos every fuckin’ thing we drink has water in it. Yeah, tony, ya fuckin’ mook, that includes milk! Jesus! On the way back, you can drink each others piss for all I care, but on the way over, no drinkin’!”

Finally, and this is important like you can’t believe: If what is in that bag starts movin’ around, throw the bag out the window and drive as fast as you can back here. I swear, Big Sammy will not blame you, but ya gotta get back here and tell us fast because…well, never you mind why, but get back here fast, ok? Naw, don’t worry, nothing is gonna happen. That was just like, precautions in case of a very unlikely event. You guys’ll be alright. When ya get back, we’ll go over to the High Bar for a few drinks. Now get outta here and drive careful, ok?”

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The Doclopedia #814

It’s In The Bag!: The Small Cloth Sack

Yes, my friends, it’s the finest that can be had by magic or prayer. See how it sparkles, first yellow, then green? That is the mark of uttermost purity and that makes this little sack worth considerably more than any kingdom or even any two kingdoms. Queen Orlena and her army paid dearly to get the raw ingredients here, so my fellows and I could process it. Paid in blood and souls, they did! Now you must get it to Queen Mirshella without delay. I do not envy you, for your route is a dangerous one.”

As this map shows, to avoid the actual war zone, you must go first south, in the opposite direction from Brinderland. Once you reach Swift Ferry, you can follow the river west to the Hungry Hills. Be aware that at this point, the bag will give off heat, for what is inside wants to slay the cannibal tribes that live there. Your sole chance of avoiding an invitation to be dinner is to ride by night and ride fast.”

When you near the Whitewood, the bag may start to give off a very low hum if dragons are about. You might want to pray rather a lot that dragons won’t be about, because they might hear that hum and react in a, well, irritated manner. Of course, if the dragons have gone west to breed, you are safe. Well, except for the land sharks. You might consider giving up a horse, so as to slow them up a bit.”

Finally, you will come to the extreme western border of Brinderland. To avoid going through enemy lines, you can find the ruins of Leeter’s Vale and enter the underground passages that lead to the dungeons under Castle Brinderglow. It’s only about 20 miles and then you can just head up to the castle, give the queen the bag and sit back to watch the war end in no more than a minute.”

Oh, goodness, thank you, Professor Quintrokle, I had almost forgotten! Yes, once you are actually in the underground passages, please be very careful about casting spells too near the bag. The contents have a really strange effect upon magic in such evil places. I’d suggest moving at least 30 feet away from the Bag Carrier. Actually, 40 feet might be better.”